"i 8 sum Pi...and it was delicious" (math joke)

"I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. That's why its called ACCOUNTABILITY...it goes into my ACCOUNT"

"I accidentally blew up my chemistry lab in high school. Oxidants happen!"

"I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course. I'm really struggling to get out of it"

"I accidentally bought too many art supplies. I'm having an excess stencil crisis"

"I accidentally left a blood orange next to a crip orange and now there's fucking juice everywhere"

"I accidentally said hello to a feminist the other day. The court trial starts tomorrow"

"I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet. Whoops, E-Daisies"

"I accidentally swallowed some food coloring and dyed a little inside"

"I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble pieces" (joke)

"I actually have a lot of jokes about potatoes, I just don’t know where to starch"

"I actually like driving alone because I can listen to the same song 27 times in a row"

"I added some Friday to your coffee. You're welcome"

"I almost caught COVID yesterday, but I quickly stood on a social distancing sticker"

"I almost had an 'I need a guy' moment, but then I was able to get the vodka open"

"I almost had an 'I need a guy' moment, but then I was able to get the wine open"

"I always get pickle and chutney mixed up. It makes me chuckle"

"I always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday"

"I always give 100%. Which is why I lost my job as an exam marker"

"I always have a quotation for everything -- it saves original thinking"

"I always pick the checkout aisle with the most attractive cashier. The self-checkout"

"I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that crap up"

"I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up"

"I always regret making a good first impression. Because there's no way I can keep that up for long"

"I always say thank you to Alexa so that when the machines take over they know I am nice"

"I always see adults pour a glass of wine and only fill it halfway, and I'm like okay..."

"I always start my diet on the same day -- tomorrow"

"I always tell my kids to stay in school. But they keep coming back"

"I always thought growing lettuce would be hard. Turns out it's not rocket science"

"I always thought the record would stand until it was broken"

"I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back"

"I always wake up at the crack of ice"

"I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk, but I never got the chants"

"I always wanted to try juggling. I just never had the balls to"

"I am 100% in support of mandatory vacations for everyone and booster vacations every 4 months"

"I am 1776% sure no one is taking my guns"

"I am 1776% sure no one will be taking my guns"

"I am 1776% sure that no one is taking my gun"

"I am a bean; I am very lean" (food riddle)

"I am a firm believer in the people; if given the truth, they can meet any national crisis"

"I am a free American. I have all the licenses and permits to prove it"

"I am a free citizen and I have all the licenses and permits to prove it"

"I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it"

"I am a professional counterfeiter. I even have the certificates to prove it"

"I am a slow walker, but I never walk back"

"I am a survivalist. I drank my morning coffee out of a soup bowl because there were no clean cups"

"I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I?"/"McDonald’s ice cream machine."

"I am currently experiencing life at a rate of several WTFs per hour"

"I am exempt from continual government bullshit"

"I am exempt from government bullshit"

"I am first on earth, second in heaven. I appear twice in a week, once in a year. What am I?"

"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally"

"I am in shape. Round is a shape."

"I am instantly 70% nicer after 3 PM on Fridays"

"I am kicking myself I did not take up karate earlier"

"I am known at the gym as the 'before picture'"

"I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I am changing the things I cannot accept"

"I am not a conspiracy theorist. I am an 'it’s fucking obvious' theorist"

"I am not a 'glass half full' type of person. I am a 'where did I put my glass' kind of person"

"I am not a glutton, but I am an explorer of food"

"I am not a shopaholic. I am helping the economy"

"I am not an early bird or a night owl. I am some form of permanently exhausted pigeon"

"I am not bound to win, but I'm bound to be true"

"I am not drunk! Who would name their kid Drunk?"

"I am not emotionally prepared for tomorrow to be Monday"

"I am not going outside until the temperature is above my age"

"I am now 'take a picture of labels with my phone so I can blow it up bigger and read it' years old"

"I am officially 'they don’t make music like this no more' years old"

"I am presently experiencing life at a rate of several WTFs per hour"

"I am pushing sixty -- that is enough exercise for me"

"I am rarely more focused on 5 seconds than when I'm waiting to skip an ad on the internet"

"I am self employed. If you see me talking to myself, do not disturb. I'm having a staff meeting"

"I am so glad that I don't have to actually hunt. I have no clue where gluten free tacos live"

"I am soo glad I don't have to actually hunt. I have no fucking clue where gluten free tacos live"

"I am terrified of elevators. I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them"

"I am the tequila, not the lime"

"I am tired of being a part of a major historical event" (2019–20 coronavirus pandemic)

"I am transfinancial. I'm a rich man trapped in a poor man's body"

"I am writing a book. It is called 'I have a job'. It is a working title"

"I am yet again asking the Olympics to simply let a regular non athlete person do the event first"

"I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, then don’t go. It’s a running joke"

"I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said Wii"

"I asked a museum worker if I could take pictures. He said they stay on the walls"

"I asked a Walmart worker where I could find the nuts. He said they're in the toilet paper aisle"

"I asked my caddie for a sand wedge..." (golf joke)

"I asked my caddie for a sand wedge..." (golf joke)

"I asked my chef friend if they ever serve steak raw. He said yeah, but it's rare"

"I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper? She said they're old school" (joke)

"I asked my gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said, 'How flexible are you?'"

"I asked my North Korean friend how it was there. He said he couldn't complain"

"I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, 'How about walking through the room naked?'"

"I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She told me to start talking about my fantasy football team"

"I asked my wife to act like a 'naughty school girl.' She forged a note from her mother..."

"I asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me!"

"I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!"

"I asked the hot girl at my gym what her new year's resolution was" (joke)

"I asked the hot girl at my gym what her new year's resolution was" (joke)

"I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call" (joke)

"I asked the teenager working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks"

"I asked the waitress for a 'quickie' and she slapped me" (quiche joke)

"I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sitting next to a screaming baby" (joke)

"I assume people who don't drink coffee just die around 2 p.m."

"I assume that people who don't drink coffee all die around 2 p.m."

"I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's for lunch. His mom was furious"

"I ate at a family restaurant. Every table had an argument going"

"I ate at Mary Poppin's Restaurant. Super cauliflower cheese but the lobster was atrocious!"

"I ate four cans of alphabet soup and had the biggest vowel movement ever"

"I ate so much okra I slid out of bed!" or "I couldn't keep my socks up!"

"I ate the exam paper. Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test"

"I hate to waste sick days actually being sick"

"I ate too much cookie dough and got sick. It was an overdoughse"

"I ate too much Middle Eastern food and now I falafel"

"I (Babe Ruth) had a better year than he (President Hoover) did"

"I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four"

"I bake because punching people is frowned upon"

"I be drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is"

"I be flying home after work like I’m late for the house"

"I beat a black belt at karate. My next opponent is a green sock"

"I beat anorexia"

"I beat my boss over the head with a pie chart. I've been charged with a graph-aided assault"

"I became math teacher to teach subtraction. I just want to make a difference"

"I before E except after C has been disproved by science"

"'I' before 'E,' except in Budweiser"

"'I' before 'E,' except when you run a feisty heist on your weird beige overweight foreign neighbor"

"I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided..." (joke)

"I believe in censorship -- I made a fortune out of it" (Mae West)

"I believe in God and guns. Trespass and you will meet both" (property sign)

"I believe in the two-party system -- one on Friday night and one on Saturday night"

"I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies"

"I bet acting like assholes on the Internet isn't where we all thought we'd be"

"I bet centaurs never know who to root for at rodeos"

"I bet Dracula does all his shopping online, just so he can keep clicking on 'Your Account'"

"I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish"

"I bet Jesus would have used His turn signals"

"I bet people who run marathons for fun haven't heard about sex and alcohol"

"I bet Spider-Man could make a lot of money putting up Christmas lights in New York"

"I bet when cannibals go on a diet they order the chef salad"

"I better get a good grade on my son's science fair project"

"I bought a 12 year old scotch. His parents weren't pleased"

"I bought a book called 'Mathematics for dummies.' All the answers were wrong"

"I bought a half-chicken at Whole Foods for 20% off and now all math is meaningless to me"

"I bought a Jewish sports car. It not only stops on a dime, it picks it up"

"I bought a Jewish sports car. It not only stops on a dime, it picks it up"

"I bought a knife that can cut through four loaves of bread at once. It’s a four loaf cleaver"

"I bought a new weed-whacker today. It's cutting hedge technology"

"I bought a pancake, but I was rather disappointed. It tasted nothing like a pan"

"I bought a second-hand time machine next Tuesday..."

"I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage, but I can park anywhere"

"I bought an alcoholic ginger beer. He wasn't happy about it"

"I bought an exercise machine, but when I assembled it, a message kept flashing up..." (joke)

"I bought an expensive ruler, just for good measure"

"I bought bath salts, but my bath still tastes bland"

"I bought cherries and cherry bombs. Bought a Bing, bought a boom"

"I bought my mom a fridge for Christmas" (joke)

"I bought my wig at a discount store. Didn't want toupee full price"

"I bought one of those 'smart' light switches, but it was too clever for me.." (joke)

"I bought powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it"

"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included"

"I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years"

"I bought some pepper spray yesterday. What a terrible product! It made my bolognese taste awful"

"I bought some rocket salad yesterday, but it went off before I could eat it"

"I bought some serving spoons, but they haven't made me any better at tennis"

"I brake for no reason" (bumper sticker)

"I broke up with my gym. We were not working out"

"I brought a home pregnancy kit. Turns out my house is pregnant"

"I build yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof"

"I burnt my Hawaiian pizza. I should've put it on aloha setting"

"I buy fresh vegetables every day. I feed them to my pig and he converts them into bacon"

"I buy store brand Spanish rice, not name brands. As they say, 'Arroz by any other name...'"

"I call bravo sierra" ("I call bullshit")

"I call myself terms and conditions because y'all keep ignoring me"

"I called my stockbroker today and asked him, 'What are you buying?' He said, 'Canned goods'"

"I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up Fish and Chips" (joke)

"I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn..." (joke)

"I called the restaurant and I asked them if they take orders..." (joke)

"I called the Tinnitus hotline earlier, but it just kept ringing"

"I came from a tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars"

"I came from a tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant, I sat down and had broken leg of lamb"

"I came here to drink and fuck...and I'm about done drinking"

"I came here to drink and fuck and I'm almost done drinking"

"I came here to drink and fuck and I'm also done drinking"

"I came, I ate, I conquered"

"I came last in a karate competition yesterday. I was kicking myself!"

"I can always remove my tin foil hat. Can you remove your spike proteins?"

"I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying" (joke)

"I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them" (joke)

"I can be nice. Just add coffee"

"I can do anything, as long as there’s a looming deadline and serious consequences"

"I can eat a lot of sweet potatoes because I am polyyamorous"

"I can eat anything I want and not get fat because I'm already fat"

"I can eat sugar with either hand. I'm ambidextrose"

"I can either work well with others or pass a drug test. But not both"

"I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you"

"I can get it for you wholesale"

"I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell"

"I can give you the formula for failure: Try to please everybody"

"I can hear Monday morning already whispering 'Go fuck yourself' into my ear"

"I can hold a note as long as the Chase Manhattan Bank" (singer Ethel Merman)

"I can hold a note as long as the Chase Manhattan Bank" (singer Ethel Merman)

"I can only sleep on stacks of old magazines. I've got back issues"

"I can play by ear, but it's much easier if I use my hands" (music joke)

"I can please only one person per day; today is not your day; tomorrow's not looking good either"

"I can remove my tin-foil hat. Can you remove your spike proteins?"

"I can ski clearly now the rain has gone"

"I can ski clearly now the rain is gone"

"I can spell 'banana,' but I never know when to stop"

"I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone"

"I can tell if people are judgemental just by looking at them"

"I can tell if people are judgmental just by looking at them"

"I can tell people are judgemental just by looking at them"

"I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them"

"I can time travel into the future at the rate of one second per second"

"I can walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol"

"I can write in cursive so I'm basically a Founding Father at this point"

"I cannot tell time because clocks have no ears"

"I can't afford a nice television, so I smoke weed and read the dictionary. High definition"

"I can’t afford vacation, so I am just going to drink until I don’t know where I am"

"I can't be your valentine for medical reasons. You make me sick!"

"I can't believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician. I was just doing nothing"

"I can't believe I still have to protest this shit"

"I can't believe it's been a year since I didn't become a better person"

"I can’t believe it’s riot season already. I still have my COVID decorations up"

"I can't believe I've been arrested for shoplifting. The cashier TOLD me to swipe the cardigan!"

"I can't believe pretzels are knot bread"

"I can't believe the entire Siberian Orchestra is trans"

"I can't breathe" (anti-police brutality slogan)

"I can’t coffee this early without function"

"I can't decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up or are living the fullest"

"I can't die! I'm booked!"

"I can’t drink responsibly because responsibilities are why I drink"

"I can't espresso how much you bean to me"

"I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory"

"I can't even press charges on the guy who stole my explosives"

"I can't figure out how to operate my automatic transmission car. It didn't come with a manual"

"'I can’t fix my life. But I can fix the world,' said the socialist"

"I can’t see an end, I have no control... Time for a new keyboard"

"I can’t stand bodybuilders who smoke weed. They always act so high and mighty"

"I can't stand broken tripods"

"I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg"

"I can't tell if I like this blender. It keeps giving me mixed results"

"I can't tell if this rice cake is stale or not. Because it's a rice cake"

"I can't turn water into wine, but I can turn pizza into breakfast"

"I can't wait for the day when I can drink wine with my kids instead of because of them"

"I can't wait for warm summer nights, outside on the patio. *326 mosquitos liked your post*"

"I can't wait till camping season starts!!! *207 mosquitos liked your post*"

"I can't wait to be sitting on the riverbank night fishing *207 mosquitos liked your post*"

"I can't wait to get home and pour myself some dinner"

"I can't wait to go home and pour myself some dinner"

"I can't wait until I retire so I can get up early on a morning and drive around really slowly"

"I can't wait until I'm financially able to afford who I really am"

"I can't wait until I'm financially stable to afford who I really am"

"I can't walk the walk or talk the talk, but if you need someone to drink the drink..."

"I can't work in an environment where I'm expected to do my job"

"I can't work today. There's a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation" (joke)

"I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy"

"I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy"

"I celebrate 4/20 on 1/5 because I know how to reduce fractions"

"I celebrate Cinco de Mayo so I get can drunk enough to forget yesterday's 'May the 4th' jokes"

"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way" (joke)

"I changed my password to 'incorrect.' When I forget, it will tell me, 'Your password is incorrect'"

"I changed the name of my hard drive to ‘that thang'" (joke)

"I childproofed the house, but they still get in"

"I choked on a carrot. All I could think was 'I bet a cupcake wouldn't have done this'"

"I choked on a carrot, and all I could think was 'I bet a donut wouldn't have done this'"

"I cleaned the attic with my wife. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair"

"I come at the beginning of end and at the end of time. What am I?" (riddle)

"I come from a family of failed magicians. I’ve got two half-sisters"

"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage"

"I come from a long line of conga dancers"

"I come from a town where a traffic jam is 4 cars behind a tractor"

"I come from a town where a traffic jam is 5 cars behind a tractor"

"I come from mixed race parents. My dad was a hurdler and my mom a sprinter"

"I consider myself a moral person. That's why I only eat turkeys that have exhausted appeals"

"I consider page 2 of Google results the dark web"

"I consider sex a misdemeanor. The more I miss, de meaner I get"

"I continued the cycle of my own oppression today" ("I voted" sticker parody)

"1% control the world. 4% are their puppets. 90% are asleep. 5% know and try to wake up the 90%"

"I correct auto correct more than auto correct corrects me"

"I correct autocorrect more than autocorrect corrects me"

"I could actually watch golf on TV if land mines were involved"

"I could be a morning person, if morning happened around noon"

"I could be a morning person if my coffee maker brewed wine instead of coffee"

"I could burn water" (i.e., I can't cook)

"I could see every ketchup bottle in the restaurant. Heinz sight is 20/20"

"I could sing a verse for you. But I'll refrain"

"I could use a foot massage, 3 donuts, and an orgasm"

"I could use a foot massage, 4 donuts, and an orgasm"

"I could use a foot massage, four donuts, and an orgasm"

"I could use a foot massage, three donuts, and an orgasm"

"'I could watch him play video games for hours,' said no one’s wife, ever"

"I couldn't believe it till I saw it with mayonnaise.—Hellmann's"

"I couldn't decide whether or not to make spiced apple cider, so I mulled it over"

"I couldn't figure out how to fasten my seatbelt, but then it clicked"

"I couldn't find a parking spot at work today, so I went home. Looks like they had enough people"

"I couldn't find the mayonnaise until I looked between the Aprilonnaise and Juneonnaise"

"I couldn't have done it without the players" (Yankees manager Casey Stengel)

"I couldn't pay my doctor, so he gave me another six months to live"

"I couldn't wait to go to university. But when I got there, it was just people from Earth"

"I couldn't work for that man after what he said to me" (joke)

"I cried because I had no shoes until I saw a man who had no feet" (aphorism)

"I cried when my dad chopped Onions. Onions was a good dog"

"I crossed the road, walked into a bar, and changed a lightbulb..." (joke)

"I crossed the road, walked into a bar, and changed a lightbulb..." (joke)

"I cry when I cut my carrots because I don't want my onions to feel awkward"

"I cut myself shredding cheese. Then I remembered... With grate power comes grate responsibility"

"I Dance Country at the Broken Spoke, Austin, Texas"

"I danced like no one was watching, but someone was watching and he thought I was having a seizure"

"I dearly love the state of Texas, but I consider that a harmless perversion on my part..."

"I decided to greet my coworkers with a 'Congrats on not dying in your sleep'"

"I decided to cross the road, not because I'm brave, but because I'm chicken"

"I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today. I just showed up to work 20 minutes early"

"I designed a website for orphans. There isn't a home page"

"I did a lot of dumb stuff, but I never got a fish filet from McDonald’s"

"I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words"

"I did not hear the question, but the answer is definitely coffee"

"I did not see that cumin"

"I did really well on my Roman history test. I got a C"

"I didn't ask you to dance. I said you look fat in those pants"

"I didn't believe there was a sauce made from oil and egg yolks, but then I saw it with mayonnaise!"

"I didn't choose the mug life. The mug life chose me"

"I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables"

"I didn't come this far to only come this far"

"I didn’t get the job hypnotising chickens. I failed the hen trance exam"

"I didn't get there by wishing for it or hoping for it, but by working for it" (Estée Lauder)

"I didn’t go to school just to eat my lunch"

"I didn’t know how much cookies shaped like integers cost, but I crunched the numbers"

"I didn’t like working at the steel plant. It smelt"

"I didn't realize I was supposed to know how to do everything by my second rodeo"

"I didn't realize that my parents teaching me to tell the truth when I was a child..."

"I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you."

"I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far"

"I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far"

"I didn't think my son stole from his trig teacher until I saw his room. All the sines were there"

"I didn't think wearing orthopaedic shoes would help my posture, but now I stand corrected"

"I didn't think there was a class system in the U.S." (joke)

"I didn't understand the math, so the teacher summed it up for me"

"I disagree with you, but I'm pretty sure you're not Hitler"

"I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink"

"I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally"

"I do all my own stunts, but not intentionally"

"I do all my own stunts, just not intentionally"

"I do exercise. I do one sit up everyday…when I get out of bed in the morning"

"I do many things well. None of which generate income"

"I do marathons (on Netflix)"

"I do marathons (on Netflix)"

"I do my best proofreading after I hit 'send'"

"I do my best thinking when I'm drinking"

"I do not find in Christianity one redeeming feature" (Jefferson?)

"I do not have ducks. Or a row. I have squirrels and they're everywhere"

"I do resistance training every day. It's called refusing to go to the gym"

"I do ten sit-ups every morning -- hitting the snooze button"

"I do what I can to make the world a happier place. For example, I had my coffee today"

"I do whatever I can to fight poverty. Only the other day I punched a tramp"

"I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to do"

"I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding! I drink wine in yoga pants"

"I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding! I drink wine in yoga pants"

"I don't advertise my lip reading business. It's all word of mouth"

"I don't always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket"

"I don't always drink water, but when I do, it's coffee"

"I don't always drink water, but when I do it's filtered water. Through my coffeemaker. It's coffee"

"I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do it's because I missed my exit"

"I don't always have time to study...but when I do, I don't"

"I don't always have to retype my password, but when I do, I stab each letter into the keyboard"

"I don't always tell dad jokes. But when I do, he laughs"

"I don't always tolerate stupid people, but when I do, I'm probably at work"

"I don’t always walk the walk or even talk the talk, but if you need someone to drink the drink...

"I don’t believe in reincarnation. Who wants to come back as a tin of milk?"

"I don't believe the liberal media"

"I don't believe anything the government tells me. Nothing. Zero"

"I don't buy coffee to work, I work to buy coffee. It's the circle of life"

"I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to encourage cows with negative body image issues"

"I don't call them illegal firearms. They're undocumented protection devices and I keep them..."

"I don’t care about mandates because I don’t date men"

"I don’t care for cheese. I'm a curdmudgeon"

"I don't care if it's Friday the 13th. I'm just happy it's finally Friday!"

"I don't care what day it is. It's early... I'm grumpy... I want coffee"

"I don't care which party is in control. I don't want to be controlled"

"I don't care which party is in control. I just don't want to be controlled"

"I don't care who dies in a movie, as long as the dog lives"

"I don't care who does the electing, so long as I get to do the nominating"

"I don't celebrate Christmas, but I do enjoy the festive drinks. You could say I'm eggnogstic"

"I don't date below 14th Street" (dating adage)

"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either"

"I don't diet. I just eat according to my goals"

"I don't drink alcohol for religious reasons. I drink it for other reasons"

"I don't drink alcohol on lunch breaks because the last thing I need is more motivation..."

"I don’t drink beer. I drink a wheat smoothie"

"I don't drink champagne anymore after a really bad experience. We had it at my wedding"

"I don't drink coffee to wake up. I wake up to drink coffee"

"I don't drink for religious reasons. I drink for other reasons"

"I don't drink to get drunk. I drink to get my inner demons drunk"

"I don't drink water because fish fuck in it"

"I don't eat snails -- I prefer fast food"

"I don't eat spinach. If I ate it I might like it, and I hate the damned stuff"

"I don’t even know how to use my own credit card anymore. Tap it? Swipe it? Bop it? Twist it?"

"I don’t even know how to use my own debit card anymore. Tap it? Swipe it? Bop it? Twist it?"

"I don't even see the Golden Globes anymore. I just see Epstein Island visitors"

"I don't even see the Oscars anymore. I just see Epstein Island visitors"

"I don't exercise. It makes me spill my coffee"

"I don't exercise. It makes me spill my coffee"

"I don't exercise. It makes my coffee spill"

"I don't exercise. It makes my coffee spill"

"I don't feel very worky today"

"I don't get drunk -- I get awesome"

"I don't get how people afford life without a job. I can't even afford it with a job"

"I don't get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day"

"I don't get why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That's why I'm here"

"I don't get why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That's why I'm there"

"I don't hate ALL of the periodic table. Just elements of it"

"I don't hate you, but you are the Monday of my life"

"I don't have a bank account because I can't remember my mother's maiden name"

"I don’t have a bucket list but my bikeit list is a mile long"

"I don't have a dog in that fight"

"I don't have a drinking problem, 'cept when I can't get a drink"

"I don’t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without caffeine"

"I don’t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it"

"I don't have a welcome mat at my door because I'm not a liar"

"I don't have a welcome mat at my house because I'm not a liar"

"I don't have ducks. I don't have a row. I have squirrels and they're all drunk"

"I don't have ducks or a row. I have chickens and they are everywhere"

"I don't have ducks. Or a row. I have squirrels. And they're at a rave"

"I don’t have enough coffee or middle fingers for today"

"I don't have to respect your beliefs, I have to respect your right to hold those beliefs..."

"I don't have to respect your beliefs. I'll respect your right to hold those beliefs..."

"I don't jog. If I die, I want to be sick" (Abe Lemons, UT basketball coach)

"I don't know how to play chess, but to me, life is like a game of chess"

"I don’t know how to use TikTok, but I can write in cursive, do long division, and tell time"

"I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail"

"I don't know if my pants are feeling loose because I'm losing weight, or the elastic..."

"I don’t know if Twitter has ever caused the lame to walk, but it has caused the dumb to speak"

"I don’t know the secret of happiness, but I’ve never been sad at an Italian restaurant"

"I don't know the secret of happiness, but I've never been sad at a Tex-Mex restaurant"

"I don't know the secret to happiness, but I've never felt sad drinking coffee"

"I don't know the secret to happiness, but I've never been sad at a Mexican restaurant"

"I don't know the secret to happiness, but I've never been sad while eating tacos"

"I don't know what I'd do without coffee. I'm guessing 25 to life"

"I don't know what it is, but it's on sale!"

"I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday. All Fridays matter"

"I don't know why it's called a 'break room.' It's always full of people I need a break from"

"I don't know you from Adam's off ox"

"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do" (joke)

"I don’t like math puns. But I will make one if I half two"

"I don't like Monday morning people. Or Mondays. Or mornings. Or people"

"I don't like Monday mornings, or people who like Monday mornings. Or Mondays. Or mornings"

"I don't like morning people. Or mornings. Or people"

"I don't like soccer. If I wanted to watch a bunch of guys struggle to score for 90 minutes..."

"I don’t like stairlifts. They drive me up the wall"

"I don't like the fact that my chances of survival seem to be linked to the common sense of others"

"I don't like the Yankees, but I'm a huge fan of being overpaid to underperform"

"I don’t like to brag, but I’ve been avoiding people since way before the coronavirus"

"I don’t like to toot my own horn, which is why I steal other people’s trumpets"

"I don’t like whiny and cheesy people, but I do like wine and cheese people"

"I don't measure a thing when I cook. I just sprinkle and add stuff"

"I don't mind going to work, but the 8 hour wait to go home is bullshit"

"I don't mind if you're pansexual, just stay away from my cookware"

"I don’t necessarily know the secret to happiness, but I do know Jesus and Mexican food..."

"I don't need a personal trainer. I need someone to follow me around and slap food out of my hand"

"I don't need a personal trainer so much as I need someone to follow me around..."

"I don’t need a stable relationship. All I need is a stable internet connection"

"I don't need alcohol to make bad decisions"

"I don't need an inspirational quote. I need coffee"

"I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off"

"I don't NEED drugs or alcohol to have fun. I also don't NEED running shoes to run..."

"I don't need Google. My boyfriend knows everything!"

"I don't need sex because the government fucks me every day"

"I don't need sex because the government screws me every day"

"I don't need sex. The government fucks me every day"

"I don't need sex. The government screws me every day"

"I don't need sleep. I need coffee"

"I don't need to 'get a life.' I'm a gamer. I have LOTS of lives"

"I don't need to go to Area 51. I've been to Walmart"

"I don't need you when I'm right"

"I don't normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?"

"I don’t rise and shine. I caffeinate and hope for the best"

"I don't run away from hard work. I'm too lazy to run"

"I don't run from my problems. I sit on my couch, play on my phone & ignore them like other adults"

"I don't run from my problems. I sit on my sofa, play on my phone and ignore them. Like an adult"

"I don't say good morning until after my first coffee because before that, it isn't"

"'I don't see color,' she said, as she ran the traffic light"

"I don't see color."/"So what do you do at a traffic light?"

"I don't see why there aren't marches against fat shaming..." (joke)

"I don't see why there aren't marches against fat shaming..." (joke)

"I don't skinny dip. I chunky dunk"

"I don't snore. I dream I'm a motorcycle"

"'I don’t stop drinking because the owner of the bar has a family to feed,' says a drunk"

"I don't sweat, I sparkle" ("I don't sweat, I glisten/glow")

"I don't take health advice from people who think the world is overpopulated"

"I don't take soup. You can't build a meal on a lake"

"I don't teach subjects. I teach students"

"I don't make jokes -- I just watch the government and report the facts" (Will Rogers)

"I don't think I ever want to be a mime. It just doesn't speak to me"

"I don't think inside the box. I don't think outside the box either. I don't know where the box is"

"I don’t think I’ve ever cleaned my bathroom mirror, which reflects badly on me"

"I don’t think the Renaissance Festival should be closed, because having a real plague there..."

"I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something"

"I don't trust new cafes. They fill me with uncertain tea"

"I don't trust trees. They're shady"

"I don't understand how a cemetery can raise funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living"

"I don't understand people that have goals like getting likes on their selfie"

"I don't understand why 14/3 is Pi Day. Isn't 22/7 a better choice?"

"I don't understand why banks get upset when you can't repay a loan..." (joke)

"I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day"

"I don't understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That's why I'm here"

"I don't understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That's why I'm there"

"I don't understand why record stores are failing. They have record sales every year"

"I don't understand why record stores are failing. They have record sales every year"

"I don't use my blinkers because it's nobody's business where I'm going"

"I don't use my turn signals because it's nobody's business where I'm going"

"I don't usually brag about going to expensive places, but I just left the gas station"

"I don't usually brag about my drum jokes, but um...tss"

"I don't usually talk about my expensive trips, but I just got back from the gas station"

"I don't usually talk about my expensive trips, but I just got back from the grocery store"

"I don't wanna party like it's 1999. I wanna go grocery shopping like it's 1999"

"I don't wanna party like it's 1999. I wanna grocery shop like it's 1999"

"I don't want any more help from the government. I can't afford it"

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work"

"I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off..." (joke)

"I don't want to eat anything that has a mother"

"I don't want to. I don't have to. You can't make me. I'm retired"

"I don't want to party like it's 1999. I want to grocery shop like it's 1999"

"I don't want to play golf. When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it"

"I don't watch CNN for the same reason I don't drink out of the toilet"

"I don't watch CNN for the same reason I don't eat out of the toilet"

"I don't watch Fox News for the same reason I don't drink out of the toilet"

"I don't watch Fox News for the same reason I don't eat out of the toilet"

"I don't wish people a 'Good morning.' I just say 'Morning' and what kind they actually have, is totally up to them..."

"I don't wish people 'Good morning.' I just say 'Morning,' then it's up to them..."

"I don't work here. I'm a consultant"

"I don’t work on Fridays, I make appearances"

"I don't work on weekends, or any other day that ends with 'Y'"

"I donut know what I'd do without you"

"I donut understand food puns"

"I doubt vodka is the answer, but it's worth a shot"

"I drank so much coffee today that I accidentally believed in myself"

"I drank so much tequila last night I woke up with a Mexican accent"

"I drank so much tequila last night that I woke up speaking Spanish"

"I drank so much vodka last night, I woke up with a Russian accent"

"I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road..."

"I dream of being a millionaire like my uncle. He's dreaming, too"

"I drink a lot of water. Filtered water. Filtered through coffee grounds..."

"I drink a ton of water. Filtered water. Filtered through coffee grounds..."

"I drink and I know things"

"I drink as I dress: Chablis"

"I drink coffee because I need it, and wine because I deserve it"

"I drink coffee because punching people is frowned upon"

"I drink coffee for your protection"

"I drink coffee stronger than your feelings"

"I drink coffee to get the energy to drink more coffee"

"I drink lots of water. Filtered water. Filtered through coffee grounds..."

"I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at"

"I drink straight out of the wine bottle while cooking. That's what they mean by reducing it"

"I drink, therefore I am" (Bibo ergo sum)

"I drink to make other people interesting"

"I drink to steady my nerves. Sometimes I'm so steady I can't move for months"

"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it"

"I drink while I work out. I call it Bacardio" (Bacardi + cardio)

"I drink while I work out. I call it Bacardio" (Bacardi + cardio)

"I drink wine because I don't like to keep things bottled up"

"I drive a hybrid so I have more money for ammo" (bumper sticker)

"I drive home so quick after work like I'm late for the house"

"I drive like lightning. I hit trees"

"I drive more safely when there's food in my passenger seat than when there's a person there"

"I drive safer when there's food in my passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there"

"I drive safer with really good food in the passenger seat than with a close friend"

"I drive so badly that when I'm driving, the GPS doesn't speak, it prays"

"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol"

"I dropped a piece of pasta off of a cliff, It was a farfalle"

"I dropped an egg onto a concrete floor and it didn't break. Concrete floors are really hard"

"I dropped everything to become a juggler"

"I dropped my burger on the floor. Now it's ground beef"

"I dropped my gun in the avocado dip. Now it is glockamole"

"I dropped my phone from the fourth floor, but it was on airplane mode so it landed safely"

"I dropped my phone from the fourth floor, but it was on airplane mode so it landed safely"

"I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx"

"I dropped Parmesan on my laptop and called it Mac 'n' Cheese"

"I duck my head down while pulling into a parking garage to make sure my car fits"

"I dusted once. It came back. I'm not falling for that again"

"I eat cake because it's somebody's birthday somewhere"

"I eat hummus when I don't know the words"

"I eat my peas with honey; I've done it all my life..." (poem)

"I eat salad every day. Bean salad…Coffee bean salad…Coffee. I drink coffee every day"

"I eat tacos over a tortilla so when stuff falls out, BOOM!, another taco"

"I eat the broken cookies first because I feel bad for them"

"I eat the same Indian bread as everyone else. I'm a naan conformist"

"I either drink coffee or I say bad words. Just kidding, I do both"

"I either drink coffee or I say bad words to strangers"

"I either drink coffee or say bad words to everyone"

"I endorse podiums. That's a product I can stand behind!"

"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my sarcasm"

"I enjoy long, romantic walks...to the fridge"

"I enjoy long romantic walks in Costco"

"I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it"

"I entered a competition and won a year's supply of Marmite -- one jar"

"I entered a dad joke competition and won $1000. It was a grand dad joke"

"I entered a kleptomania competition. I got gold, silver and bronze"

"I entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house"

"I envy people who grow old gracefully. They age like fine wine. I’m aging like milk..."

I Eta Pi (fictional fraternity)

"I failed Binary 101. I said it was 6"

"I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins..." (joke)

"I failed my drug test again. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get my pharmacy degree"

"I failed my drug test today. There goes my degree in pharmaceutics!"

"I failed my italic writing exam with straight A's"

"I failed my math exam. I couldn’t write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 as Roman numerals. IM LIVID"

"I failed to make the chess team because of my height"

"I fantasize about winning the lottery way too much for someone who never buys lotto tickets"

"I farted in an elevator. It was wrong on so many levels"

"I feel bad that nobody’s checking up on Coca Cola’s well-being. Everyone asks if Pepsi is okay"

"I feel like doin' a Big Apple" (Mae West as Eve, talking about the Big Apple dance)

"I feel like doin' a Big Apple" (Mae West on a 1937 radio show)

"I feel like every office has 3 people who do all the work and 15 people who just walk around"

"I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe"

"I feel like people who eat breakfast really have their lives together"

"I feel like the IRS be like 'HEHE GIRL MATH' when takin all our money"

"I feel like work got custody of me and home just got weekend visits"

"I feel relatively neutral about New York" (slogan parody)

"I feel safer on a racetrack...than on Houston expressways" (A. J. Foyt)

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink; they wake up, and that's as good as they'll feel all day"

"I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop"

"I feel sorry for short people. When it rains, they're the last to know"

"I fell in love. His name is New York"

"I fell off a 30 foot ladder yesterday. I'm fine, I was only on the second rung"

"I felt bad, but then I installed a new version of office. It improved my outlook"

"I fetched a pail of water and ate a KFC family meal. Two things I can cross off my bucket list"

"I figured out why Teslas are so expensive. It’s because they charge a lot"

"I fill sorry four all the kids that half to learn from home with parents who can't reed..."

"I filled up my tank with petrol this morning. Now, all my goldfish are dead"

"I finally found a diet plan that really works. It's called 'The Price of Food'"

"I finally got an A on my essay! (Only 1999 more words to go)"

"I finally got it all together, and then I forgot where I put it"

"I finally got it all together, but I forgot where I put it"

"I finally quit drinking for good. Now I drink for evil"

"I finally watched the documentary on clocks. It was about time"

"I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature"

"I find jello a little off-pudding"

"I finished Netflix today"

"I followed a diet but it didn’t follow me back, so I unfollowed it"

"I followed my heart and it led me to the fridge"

"I fondly remember ordering a range of cheeses to be delivered, or perhaps I'm just being sent Emmental"

"I, for one, like Roman numerals"

"I forgot how expensive outside is" (after quarantine)

"I forgot how expensive outside was" (after quarantine)

"I forgot the French word for strawberry, so I looked it up in a fraise book"

"I forgot to go to the gym today. That's ten years in a row now"

"I forgot to post on Facebook that I was going to the gym. Now my entire workout is a waste of time"

"I forgot to post on Facebook that I was going to the gym. Now my entire workout is a waste of time"

"I found a builder who advertises 'No job too small' so I’ve got him tiling the doll's house"

"I found a hat with $17.50 in it. A guy was too busy juggling to pick it up"

"I found a hole in my trainer that's big enough to put my finger through" (joke)

"I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought, 'What would Jesus do?'" (joke)

"I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought, 'What would Jesus do?'" (joke)

"I found it at the Colony!" (Colony Music Center)

"I found stir fry all over my bed this morning. I must have been sleep wokking again"

"I found the key to success, only to discover that the door was never locked"

"I found this on the local café menu -- idemx rilgl. It was mixed grill"

"I freed a thousand slaves. I could have freed a thousand more if only they knew they were slaves"

"I gave my freedom away to get my freedom back and I'm still not free and it's all your fault"

"I gave up drinking on the 1st of January. It’s better for your health, and it’s only one day"

"I gave up my freedom to get my freedom back and I'm still not free and it's all your fault"

"I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus" (joke)

"I General Lee don’t care for Civil War jokes"

"I General Lee don't find civil war jokes funny"

"I General Lee don't find civil war puns to be funny"

"I get fatter and broker each time I don't take my lunch to work"

"I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief"

"I get nostalgic when reversing my car. It always takes me back"

"I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why family and friends expect that for free"

"I give in to beer pressure"

"I give the eclipse one star"

"I go to the gym almost every day -- almost Monday, almost Tuesday..."

"I go to the gym religiously. About twice a year around the holidays"

"I go to work, I make my coworkers wonder what is wrong with me, and then I clock out"

"I Googled the phrase 'missing medieval servant.' It came back with 'Page not found'"

"I got a bill in the mail that said FINAL NOTICE. What a relief!"

"I got a bottle of scotch for my wife..." (joke)

"I got a job at Comcast and completed training so I could fix my own cable..." (joke)

"I got a job at Spectrum and completed training so I could fix my own cable..." (joke)

"I got a job making plastic Draculas. Two of us work, so I have to make every second count"

"I got a new job at the guillotine factory. I’ll beheading there soon"

"I got a rejection letter from the origami university today, I’m not sure what to make of it"

"I got a sweater for Christmas, but I really wanted a screamer or a moaner"

"I got an apartment over a bank. Now my assets over 10 million dollars"

"I got an invite to a wedding that said 'black tie only'" (joke)

"I got arrested yesterday for stealing hay from a farmer. I’ve been refused bale"

"I got booted from the coffee club because I wore a tea shirt"

"I got expelled from music school for theft, but all I was doing was taking notes"

"I got expelled from music school for theft, but all I was doing was taking notes"

"I got expelled from school on pajama day. Not my fault I sleep naked"

"I got fired at the pickle factory" (joke)

"I got fired from my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene"

"I got fired from my job at the clock factory today. After all those extra hours I put in!"

"I got fired from my job at the clock factory today. After all those extra hours I put in!"

"I got fired from my last job though I always gave 100%. Apparently that's not how you mark exams"

"I got fired from my last job though I always gave 100%. Apparently that’s not how you grade exams

"I got fired from my lawn maintenance job. I just wasn’t cutting it"

"I got fired from the bomb squad yesterday. It's too bad really... I had a blast working there!"

"I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off"

"I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off"

"I got fired from the candle factory because I refused to work wick ends"

"I got food poisoning today I don't know when I'll use it"

"I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'm going to use it"

"I got hired today at the comb factory. It's just part time"

"I got hit by a violin, a clarinet and a French horn today. It was an orchestrated attack"

"I got hit with a can of soda. Fortunately, it was a soft drink"

"I got in trouble at a park for lining squirrels up by height. They didn't like me critter sizing"

"I got invited by a salad to his house. He wouldn't lettuce leaf!"

"I got kicked out of a Jewish bakery today. All I did was ask, 'What's the challah cost?'"

"I got kicked out of a pool for peeing in it" (joke)

"I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine"

"I got kicked out of the coffee club just because I wore a tea shirt"

"I got kicked out of the hospital after telling the coronavirus infected patients to stay positive"

"I got mood poisoning at work. It must be something I hate"

"I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate"

"I got my first shot. And I'll get my second shot as soon as I can get the bartender's attention"

"I got my stomach doing crunches -- usually either Nestlé or Captain"

"I got myself a seniors' GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination..."

"I got pulled over by a cop with Alzheimer’s. He said, 'Do you know why I pulled you over?'"

"I got pulled over in the carpool lane today..." (joke)

"I got so drunk last night, I don’t know if I found some keys or lost a car"

"I got so drunk last night I walked across the dance floor to get a drink & won a dance contest"

"I got so much procrastinating done today"

"I got so pissed last night, I don’t remember getting home from the kitchen" (quarantine)

"I got stung by a bee yesterday. Twenty dollars for a jar of honey!"

"I got thrown out of a strip club last night for using Monopoly money"

"I got thrown out of the zoo for making a parrot laugh. Polly tickle correctness!"

"I got voted 'least likely to succeed' by my high school class" (joke)

"I gotta get my life together. This damn heat made me realize I can’t go to hell"

"I grew up all my life believing I was Irish. But thanks to Ancestry, I now know I'm just a drunk"

"I grew up surrounded by poverty -- my maid was poor, my butler was poor ..." (joke)

"I grilled a chicken for two hours yesterday..." (joke)

"I guess that people who run marathons for fun haven’t heard about sex and booze"

"I Guess the Lord Must Be in New York City" (1969)

"I had a continental breakfast. Unfortunately, the continent was Africa"

"I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram! I was like, 0mg!"

"I had a dream I was driving a Ferrari last night. I was fast, asleep"

"I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper -- dicing with death"

"I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars. It was an auto body experience"

"I had a dream that I was drowning in orange soda. Turned out it was just a Fanta sea"

"I had a dream that I was swimming in orange soda. Turned out it was just a Fanta sea"

"I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda. It was a Fanta sea"

"I had a dream to read other people's minds. Then I joined Facebook"

"I had a job where I had to put shredded cheese back together. It was de-grating"

"I had a life...but my job ate it"

"I had a lot of stuff to do today. Now I have a lot of stuff to do tomorrow"

"I had a pleasure trip -- took my mother-in-law to the airport"

"I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy"

"I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime"

"I had a shepherd's pie for lunch. He was furious"

"I had a thought, but unfortunately I had a second thought..." (joke)

"I had a thought, but unfortunately I had another thought..." (joke)

"I had cheese, but no crackers. I was cracka-lackin'"

"I had cheese, but no crackers. I was cracka-lacking"

"I had donkey meat for the first time. It tasted like ass"

"I had heard so much raving about 'The Big Apple,' as it was called" (Malcolm X, 1964)

"I had my parking validated -- which was nice because I'd been practicing for so long"

"I had my patience tested. I'm negative"

"I had no idea what ghee was until someone clarified it for me"

"I had the rudest, slowest, nastiest cashier today. It's my own fault for using the self checkout"

"I had to fire our fruit delivery guy this morning. He was driving me bananas"

"I had to fly across the country for my vaccine, and, wow, are my arms sore"

"I had to give up my vegetarian diet. Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows"

"I had to prove I was a citizen of New York, so I stabbed him" (joke)

"I had to stop going to this comedy coffee shop. Too much brew haha"

"I had to throw out all of my Danish currency. I didn't wanna catch the Kronervirus"

"I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice from the car windscreen, but only got 10% off"

"I had to walk to school uphill, both ways! – M.C. Escher"

"I Happen To Like New York" (1930)

"I hate anti-maskers. They make me sick"

"I hate chewing gum underneath school tables. I wish I was comfortable enough to do it in public"

"I hate chewing gum underneath school tables. I wish I was comfortable enough to do it in public"

"I hate coffee -- it keeps me awake at work"

"I hate connect-the-dot puzzles. That’s where I draw the line"

"I hate everybody, regardless of race, creed, or place of national origin!"

"I hate flash mobs. One once kicked my door down and forced me to update my Adobe"

"I hate it when cashiers check to see if my money is fake" (joke)

"I hate it when I eat the last bite but didn't notice it was the last bite..."

"I hate it when I lose stuff at school, like my pencils and papers and life ambitions"

"I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...you know...Oreos"

"I hate it when I think I'm buying organic vegetables, but I discover they're just regular donuts"

"I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart..." (joke)

"I hate it when people pour my cereal. They don’t know how much I want. They don’t know my life"

"I hate losing more than I love winning"

"I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays"

"I hate my job, but it pays for my alcohol. And I need alcohol, because I hate my job"

"I hate peer pressure and so should you"

"I hate peer pressure and you should, too"

"I hate pending payments. Just take it already so I can start my healing process"

"I hate pending payments. Just take that shit so I can start my healing process"

"I hate people that say 'it’s too early to be eating that.' WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?"

"I hate people who bang on your door and tell you to be 'saved' or you'll 'burn.' Stupid firemen"

"I hate people who refuse to let go of the past. Debt collectors are the worst"

"I hate people who take drugs. Like cops, DEA agents and customs officials"

"I hate people who use physically impossible metaphors. They make my blood boil"

"I hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves"

"I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once and the seat folded up"

"'I hate tacos!' said no Juan ever"

"I hate the new Windows 10 update. It puts me on Edge"

"I hate this time of the year. It’s like winter and spring are fighting over custody"

"I hate to toot my own horn, but I've gotten pretty good at playing other people's trumpets!"

"I hate when I don't forward a chain letter, and then I die the next day"

"I hate when I go to the kitchen looking for food and all I find are ingredients"

"I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients"

"I hate when people are outside when I'm trying to parallel park. I need some privacy!"

"I hate when people don’t watch where I’m going when I’m walking and texting"

"I hate when people say 'it’s too early to eat that.' What time does a stomach open?"

"I hate when people say you don’t need alcohol to have fun. You don’t need running shoes to run"

"I hate when people text me GM. General Motors to you, too"

"I hate when people use GM in place of good morning. General Motors to you, too"

"I hate when political candidates put their signs up in my front yard. Who's Foreclosure?"

"I hate when political candidates put their signs up in my front yard. Who's Foreclosure?"

"I hate when someone rings my doorbell because then I have to pretend I'm not home"

"I hate when the debit/credit card reader at the checkout asks if the amount is okay"

"I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and the car is parked"

"I hate when you make a typo in your post and the whole thing is urined"

"I hate words that are the same, but are pronounced differently like read and read, live and live, taxation and theft"

"I have 2 milestones at work: 1. Lunch 2. Leaving"

"I have a bumper sticker that says 'Honk if you think I'm sexy'..." (joke)

"I have a chicken-proof lawn. It's impeccable"

"I have a condition that makes me eat when I can't sleep. It's called insom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nia"

"I have a condition that prevents me from staying home or wearing a mask. It’s called freedom"

"I have a condition that prevents me from wearing a mask. It’s called freedom"

"I have a condition which prevents me from going on a diet…it’s called hunger"

"I have a disease called it’s nice out so I’m drinking"

"I have a drinking problem. I ran out of alcohol"

"I have a drinking problem. I ran out of beer"

"I have a drinking problem. I ran out of vodka"

"I have a drinking problem. I ran out of wine"

"I have a drinking problem. I'm out of drinks"

"I have a drinking problem. I'm out of money"

"I have a fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it"

"I have a feeling that my 'check liver' light' may come on this weekend"

"I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous"

"I have a friend who's half Indian. Ian"

"I have a hard time finishing what I sta--"

"I have a horse named Mayo. Mayo neighs"

"I Have a Little Dreidel" or "My Dreidel" (The Dreidel Song)

"I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work"

"I have a love hat relationship with autocorrect"

"I have a lovely gold watch -- a family heirloom. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold it to me"

"I have a medical condition. I'm allergic to tyranny. It makes me break out in rebellion"

"I have a pen that can write underwater! It can also write other words, too"

"I have a Polish friend who is a sound engineer and I have a Czech one too"

"I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something. you're still getting something impressive"

"I have a pretty big butt, so when I half ass something you're still getting something impressive"

"I have a rice cake joke, but it's tasteless"

"I have a smart phone with a dumb battery"

"'I have a split personality,' said Tom, being Frank"

"I have a step ladder. I never knew my real ladder"

"I have a Supreme Court figure -- no appeal"

"I have a weight problem -- I can't wait to eat"

"I have absolutely no desire to fit in with a world that accepts tyrants for rulers"

"I have added 'extensive experience in dealing with stupid people' to my resume"

"I have an addiction to snorting powdered fruit drink mix. Anybody got a punch line?"

"I have an addiction to tag. It'll be touch and go, whether I need professional help"

"I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings..."

"I have an inferiority complex, but it's just not a very good one"

"I have been staring at an orchard to tell the time. It’s an Apple Watch"

"I have been watching Fox News for six hours and there has been no news about foxes"

"I have calf brains, stewed kidneys, pickled pigs' feet..." (Dallas waitress joke?)

"I have certain rules I live by. My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me"

"I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop"

"I have discovered the dark matter that holds life together... it's called coffee"

"I have done terrible things for money, like getting up early to go to work"

"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something"

"I have found the key to happiness. Stay the hell away from assholes"

"I have furniture that goes back to Louis the 14th. That is, unless I can pay him by the 13th"

"I have ice in my veins" (cool under pressure)

"I have joined the war on drugs on the side of drugs"

"I have kids. Park too close and I'll ding your shit" (car sign)

"I have kids. Park too close and they will ding your shit" (car sign)

"I have mixed drinks about feelings"

"'I have multiple personality disorder,' said Tom, being Frank"

"I have never been hurt by anything I didn't say"

"I have never been hurt by what I have not said"

"I have never known a worthwhile man who became too big for his boots or his Bible"

"I have never seen an ALCOHOL company using a drunk person for any advertising"

"I have never understood why it is 'greed' to want to keep the money you have earned"

"I have no clue what’s open or closed anymore. I just walk towards the automatic doors..."

"I have no problem with the LG HDTV Community"

"I have one cup of coffee each morning just to start the day off right. The other ones..."

"I have seen things. Awful things. Empty coffee cup things"

"I have seen things. Horrible things. Empty coffee cup things"

"I have seen things. Terrible things. Empty coffee cup things"

"I have the patience of a Saint. Saint Cunty McFuckoff"

"I have the right to remain silent, but I don't have the ability"

"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing"

"I have to plug my phone into the charger so much I basically have a landline again"

"I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too little to go by itself"

"I have two milestones at work: 1. Lunch 2. Leaving"

"I have two reactions when I leave the house: 1. Ew, the weather. 2. Ew, the people"

"I haven't been able to look at cereal since the time I walked in on my parents having Chex"

"I haven't been this excited about a Friday, since last Friday"

"I haven't been this excited about Friday since last Friday"

"I haven't even gone to bed yet and I already can't wait to get home from work tomorrow"

"I haven't had a single drink all day. They've all been doubles"

"I haven’t kept up my subscription to Scrabble Club. Now they’re sending me threatening letters"

"I haven't owned a watch for I don't know how long"

"I haven't seen faith move mountains, but I have seen what faith can do to buildings"

"I haven’t tried yoga, but I have tried bending over to pick up my keys..."

"I hear proofreading is being abolished. Is nothing scared?"

"I hear the monastery is laying off workers. All nun essential staff are gone"

"I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math. Glad to know I’m in the other 2%"

"I heard a cactus fell in love with a fruit tree. They make a prickly pear"

"I heard alcohol and sunlight can kill Corona, so if you see me naked and drunk in the yard..."

"I heard that cricket matches can last for days. No rest for the wicket"

"I heard the government is putting chips inside people. I hope I get Doritos"

"I heard the government is putting chips into people. I hope I get BBQ"

"I heard the government is putting chips inside people. I hope I get hot Cheetos"

"I heard the government is putting chips in people. I hope I get sour cream and onion"

"I heard the government is putting chips inside people. I hope I get tortilla chips!"

"I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there"

"I heard you can get lawyers at IKEA now. They're affordable, but you have to build your own case"

"I hired a Russian Uber driver the other day. His name was Pikup Andropov"

"I hit the gym, but I drove away because I don't have car insurance"

"I hit two great balls on the golf course -- I stepped on a rake" (joke)

"I homeschool because I have seen the village and I don't want it raising my children"

"I hope my government will let me go outside today"

"I hope one day I love something the way women in commercials love yogurt"

"I hope someday I love something the way women in commercials love yogurt"

"I hope the bars open soon. I need to cut down on my drinking"

"I hope the grocery stores will put the arrows back on the floor again so I can feel safe"

"I hope the guy who invented Autocorrect burns in hello!"

"I hope the pubs open soon. I need to cut down on my drinking"

"I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda"

"I hope we can all still be friends even if we end up in different concentration camps"

"I hope whatever bad thing happens is at least funny"

"I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears"

"I hope your favorite football team wins, so it can benefit your life in no way whatsoever"

"I identify as a conspiracy theorist, my pronouns are They/Lied"

"I identify as a conspiracy theorist, my pronouns are Told/You/So"

"'I' is the only difference between fit and fat"

"I joined a 12-step program for people who talk too much. It's called On and On Anon"

"I joined a dating site for arsonists. I got a match straight away"

"I just baked you some shut the fucupcakes"

"I just blocked someone for correcting my grammar and it feelded good"

"I just blocked someone for correcting my grammar and it felt good"

"I just blocked someone on my page for correcting my grammar and it feeled good"

"I just blocked someone on my page for correcting my grammar and it feeleded good"

"I just bought a film with 3.142 stars out of 5. It was a pi rated DVD"

"I just bought a new answering machine. What should I ask it?"

"I just bought one of those real life sex dolls and she's so realistic she just wants to be friends"

"I just burned 1,200 calories. I forgot the pizza in the oven"

"I just can't handle automatic doors"

"I just can't see myself wearing camouflage"

"'I just caught a terrorist!' said no TSA agent ever"

"I just cleared out some space in the freezer sounds much more productive than I had ice cream"

"I just Clorox wiped a bottle of Purell and Purelled my hands cuz I touched the Clorox canister"

"I just crashed my Kia. Now I have Nokia"

"I just donated $100 to a blind children's charity, not that the kids will ever see any of it"

"I just don't want to look back and think, 'I could've eaten that'"

"I just fired myself from cleaning my house. I didn’t like my attitude and I got caught drinking"

"I just fired myself from cleaning my house. I don’t like my attitude and I got caught drinking"

"I just flew back from a Spaghetti-O's convention and Boyardee's arms tired"

"I just flew in and boy, are my arms tired!"

"I just flew in from a ravioli convention. Boyardees arms tired"

"I just flew in from a Transformers convention. And boy, my arms are tires"

"I just flew in from Italy and boyardee’s arms tired"

"I just found out Canada isn’t real. Turns out it was all just mapleleaf"

"I just found out my Indian name is...chugalottajava"

"I just got a full tank of gas for $22. Granted it was for my lawn mower..."

"I just got a job working in a full size cuckoo clock..." (joke)

"I just got a job working in a full size cuckoo clock..." (joke)

"I just got completely burnt fries at a restaurant. It really is Black Fry Day"

"I just got done working all night, and I am ready to call it a day"

"I just got fired from a florist. Apparently I took too many leaves"

"I just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas. He wanted an ex-box"

"I just got off a flight that crossed through five time zones. Does that make me a time traveler?"

"I just got off a flight that crossed through five time zones. Does that make me a time traveler?"

"I just had the best sex ever! No wait. Coffee. I had coffee"

"I just had the best sex ever! No wait. Oreos. I had Oreos"

"I just heard someone refer to Texas as 'Howdy Arabia' and I still haven't stopped laughing"

"I just hope both teams had fun"

"I just hope both teams have fun"

"I just joined a dating site for arsonists. Still waiting for a match"

"I just joined a gym for religious minorities -- Jehovah's Fitness"

"I just joined the navy out of spite. I'm a petty officer!"

"I just laugh stuff off cause prison don't cook the food I like"

"I just lost my job as a zookeeper..." (joke)

"I just made my hamster a strong coffee. I don’t want him falling asleep at the wheel"

"I just need to see a few more campaign ads and then I think I'll be ready to make a final decision"

"I just paid my car registration. The roads will be fixed any day now"

"I just passed my drug test. My dealer has some serious explaining to do"

"I just pead on the table" (pea joke)

"I just realized I am not a morning person. I'm a coffee person"

"I just realized the paper towels by the gas pump are for wiping away tears after filling your gas"

"I just realized why this month is called 'May.' It may rain, it may snow..."

"I just received a ‘Save the Date’ card. I didn’t even know they were an endangered fruit"

"I just rescued some wine. It was trapped in a bottle"

"I just saved a bunch of money on Valentine's Day by switching to single"

"I just saved a ton of money on Christmas presents by discussing politics on Facebook"

"I just saved a ton of money on Christmas presents by discussing politics over Thanksgiving dinner"

"I just shoveled 6 inches of global warming off my driveway"

"I just sneezed while eating alphabet soup. Took the words right out of my mouth"

"I just sprayed fruit scented Febreze in my bathroom. Now it smells like shitrus"

"I just strangled a mime with a cordless phone"

"I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me"

"I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me"

"I just totally misunderstood the meaning of 'Strip Mall' & could one of you guys send bail money?"

"I just wanna be rich enough to throw leftovers away after dinner..."

"I just want a bar where I can pour my own drink and have music at a normal volume..."

"I just want to drink coffee, create stuff and sleep"

"I just witnessed a lady throw away the center of a cinnamon roll..."

"I just won a reward for most secretive person in the office" (joke)

"I just yelled into a colander and strained my voice"

"I keep asking what LGBTQ stands for, but I never get a straight answer"

"I keep hitting the space bar, but I’m still on Earth"

"I keep imagining I'm holding an invisible pack of cards. No one knows what I'm dealing with"

"I keep my hot sauce in the refrigerator. Now it's just sauce"

"I keep pre cooked bacon in my fridge that I call 'Hurricane Bacon'..."

"I keep pressing the space bar, but I’m still on Earth"

"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' -- I think I might have florets"

"I keep shouting out the names of castles. I think I've got Turrets"

"I keep trying to buy a grocery checkout divider, but the cashier keeps putting it back"

"I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me"

"I keep trying to remember to buy new Post-It notes, but I don't have anything to remind me"

"I kicked some dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator. It's now water under the fridge"

"I kinda wish Dolly sang 10-3 instead"

"I kinda wish Dolly sang 10-2 instead"

"I kiss better than I cook"

"I knew a guy who collected candy canes. They were all in mint condition"

"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early"

"I knew school wasn't for me when I cheated on a test and still failed"

"I knew school wasn't for me when I failed an open book test"

"I knew summer was coming and I just kept eating"

"I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time"

"I know a lot of clever jokes about umbrellas, but they usually go over people's heads"

"I know a bunch of good jokes about umbrellas, but they usually go over people's heads"

"I know a bunch of good puns about umbrellas but they usually go over people's heads"

"I know a lot of jokes about retired people, but none of them work"

"I know a mathematician who couldn't afford lunch. He could binomial"

"'I know a word that uses all six vowels including 'y' in alphabetical order,' said Tom facetiously"

"I know alcohol isn't the answer, but it's my best guess"

"I know every single digit of pi. Just not in the right order"

"I know Facebook has never caused the lame to walk, but it sure has caused the dumb to speak"

"I know how to do anything. I'm a mom"

"I know how to load more than a washer & dryer" (pro-gun slogan)

"I know HTML (How To Meet Ladies)"

"I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry"

"I know it's cheesy, but I feel grate"

"I know it's not true, but let’s make the sonafabitch deny it" (a loaded political question)

"I know it’s time to clean out my purse when my car assumes it’s a second passenger..."

"I know loads of jokes about cash machines, I just can't think of one atm"

"I know several jokes in sign language. I guarantee nobody has ever heard them"

"I know she ate a worm, but we are not here to debate de bait deb ate"

"I know they didn't ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax return"

"I know you shouldn't text and drive but I've only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay"

"I laugh stuff off cause prison don't serve tequila"

"I leave homework for the last day because I'll be older and wiser"

"I led the pigeons to the flag" (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

"I Left My Heart in San Francisco" (1954, 1962) ("Forgotten in Manhattan" lyric)

"I left my self cleaning oven open overnight to see if it would do the rest of the kitchen"

"I lent my grandfather clock to my friend and now he owes me big time"

"I lick, swallow and suck... The salt, the tequila, the lime!"

"I LICK the salt SWALLOW the tequila AND SUCK the lemon"

"I LICK the salt SWALLOW the tequila AND SUCK the lime"

"I like all my money facing the same way"

"I like bananas because they have no bones"

"I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes"

"I like cities, and New York is the only real city-city" (Truman Capote)

"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake"

"I like coffee more than people"

"I like coffee that kicks you in the face in the morning"

"I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns. I would never armadillo"

"I like doing multiplications, sum times"

"I like eating Nerds because I'm secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off"

"I like frozen apples. They're hardcore"

"I like hashtags because they look like waffles"

"I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one"

"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target"

"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"

"I like my beer like I like my violence: domestic"

"I like my bibliographies the way I like my hot dogs: Chicago style"

"I like my citations like I like my hot dogs: Chicago style"

"I like my citations like I like my pizza: Chicago style"

"I like my coffee black, like my soul"

"I like my coffee how I like my friends. Strong and slightly bitter"

"I like my coffee how I like myself: dark, bitter, and too hot for you"

"I like my coffee like I like my slaves. Free"

"I like my coffee like I like my thoughts. Dark, bitter, and keeping me up at night"

"I like my coffee like I like my women. I don't like coffee"

"I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup"

"I like my coffee like my women. Without a penis" (anti-joke)

"I like my coffee so strong that it wakes my neighbors"

"I like my coffee so strong that it wakes up the neighbors"

"I like my coffee with cream and my literature with optimism"

"I like my friends like I like my margaritas: salty"

"I like my guns like Democrats like their voters: undocumented"

"I like my guns like I like my immigrants: undocumented"

"I like my kids like I like my flour. Self-raising"

"I like my men like I like my passwords. Same one for the past 20 years"

"I like my men like I like my passwords. Strong, long and forgettable"

"I like my money right where I can see it: hanging in my closet"

"I like my music loud and my coffee strong"

"I like my music loud, my coffee strong and my dreams big"

"I like my music loud, my coffee strong and my dreams large"

"I like my pizza like I like my citations: Chicago style"

"I like my steak so rare...a good vet could bring it back to life"

"I like my whiskey so strong it makes my neighbors drunk"

"I like my women how I like my Coronavirus..." (NSFW joke)

"I like my women how I like my Covid..." (NSFW joke)

"I like my women how I like my laptop. On my lap, turned on and virus free"

"I like my women like I like Little Caesars. Hot and Ready"

"I like my women like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer"

"I like my women like I like my coffee. Hot and on my lap"

"I like my women like I like my coffee. Irish"

"I like my women like I like my coffee. Sent back for not being hot enough"

"I like my women like I like my margaritas: salty and full of tequila"

"I like my women like I like my passwords. Same one for the past 20 years"

"I like my women like I like my passwords. Short and insecure"

"I like my women like I like my passwords. Strong, unique, secure and randomly generated"

"I like my women like I like my ramen noodles. Hot, cheap and Asian"

"I like my women like I like my ramen noodles. Hot, cheap and Japanese"

"I like my women like I like my Starbucks. Expensive, bitter and calling me by the wrong name"

"I like my women like I like my wine..." (joke)

"(I Like New York in June) How About You?" (1941)

"I like people just the way i like my tea. In a bag, underwater"

"I like people like I like my tea. In a bag...underwater"

"I like people the way I like my tea. In a bag, under water"

"I like school. I just don't enjoy the learning part"

"I like the part of the day when food happens"

"I like to be what I call 'comfortably caffeinated.' That's means I've got coffee and maybe pants"

"I like to cook my pasta al Dante. I boil the hell out of them"

"I like to give a percentage of my earnings to Charity...and other strippers"

"I like to have at least 5 practice beers before having my actual first beer"

"I like to have at least 5 practice beers before I have my actual beer"

"I like to hold hands at the movies. Which always seems to startle strangers"

"I like to paint peas in a cage. I’m a trapped peas artist"

"I like to party. And by party I mean drink coffee with no pants on"

"I like to play chess with old men in the park...although it's hard to find 32 of them"

"I like to play chess with old men in the park...although it's hard to find 32 of them"

"I like to put German wine in my cooking on an add hock basis"

"I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert"

"I listen to every genre of music. I'm polyjamorous"

"I listen to the voices in my coffee"

"I literally wrote a book to warn you guys about this. -- Ayn Rand"

"I literally wrote a book to warn you guys about this. -- George Orwell"

"I live for dried grapes. They're my raisin d'être"

"I live for my alarm clock collection. It's what gets me up in the morning"

"I live for small dried fruits. They're my raisin d'être"

"I live in a free country. I have all the licenses and permits to prove it"

"I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped"

"I live in a two-story house" (marriage/divorce joke)

"I live in the South ...... where lightning bugs use their blinkers more than most drivers"

"I live on a cul-de-sac, which is French for 'Everybody here is white'"

"I loaned a blind guy some money" (joke)

"I long for the day when we have to run bake sales to raise money for bombs"

"I look fat. Please say something nice."/"You have perfect eyesight."

"I look forward to paying off all of my debt, and finally getting back to just being broke"

"I looked for the key to success and then found it's a combination lock"

"I lost it in the sun" (baseball infielder after fumbling a ground ball)

"I lost my job as a yes man because I no too much"

"I lost my job at the zoo recently..." (joke)

"I lost my job making stencils. They said I wasn't cut out for it"

"I lost my Tic Tacs today. Now, I'm looking for replacemints"

"I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because I'm still looking for ideas"

"I love Basmati rice. I could eat it Tilda cows come home"

"I love bowling! It's the perfect workout. Six seconds of exercise, drink beer half an hour"

"I love coffee, I love tea" ("Java Jive")

"I love cooking children and dogs. But hate using commas"

"I love cooking with wine -- sometimes I even put it in the food"

"I love deadlines; I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by"

"I love doing crunches. If by 'doing crunches' you mean 'eating chips'"

"I love fall most of all"

"I love food more than I love people"

"I love hard work. I could watch it all day"

"I love having a job. I just hate goin to that mf"

"I love having a job, I just hate going"

"I love having a job, I just hate working"

"I love having coffee with friends. And by friends I mean coffee. Coffee is my friend"

"I love having coffee with friends. And by friends I mean my dog"

"I love how all these so-called 'vegans' still drink water. That's a fish's house!"

"I love how coffee tricks me into thinking I'm in a good mood for about 27 minutes"

"I love how coffee tricks me into thinking I’m in a good mood for about 30 minutes"

"I love how coffee tricks me into thinking I’m in a good mood for approximately 34 minutes"

"I love how coffee tricks you into thinking that you're in a good mood for like 27 minutes"

"I love how coffee tricks you into thinking that you're in a good mood for like 32 minutes"

"I love that the mainstream media position is 'yes the CIA did bad things in the 50s, 60s...'"

"I love how we call it social media when 75% of us are either alone at home or on the toilet"

"I love how we call it 'social media' when 75% of us are either alone in our homes or on the toilet"

"I love it when a flan comes together"

"I love it when people post me Swiss cheese. I know, I'm just being sent Emmental"

"I love it when the weather turns ugly because it means the decision I already made not to leave..."

"I love ketchup from my head tomatoes"

"I love kindness unless it’s a person at a four way stop waving for me to go when it is clearly their turn"

"I love Mexican food them chicken case of ideas be so good fr"

"I love my boss (I'm self-employed)"

"I love my computer because my friends live in it"

"I love my country, but I fear my government"

"I love my country...but I think we should start seeing other people"

"I love my job, I just hate going"

"I love my job, I just hate working"

"I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat"

"I Love New York" (2005)

"I Love NY" ("I Love NY More Than Ever")

"I love reunions. They're old school"

"I love sarcasm. It's like punching people in the face, but with words"

"I love sleep because it's like a time machine to breakfast"

"I love smoothies. They're so much nicer than hairies"

"I love social media. Back in my day, I had to insult people one at a time"

"I love taking a picture of myself next to a boiling kettle. I think I may have selfie steam issues"

"I love telling cheesy jokes, but my friends are laughtose intolerant"

"I love that 'take out' means food, dating, and murder"

"I love the smell of don't fuck with me in the morning"

"I love the smell of possibility in the morning"

"I love the smell of socially acceptable chemical dependence in the morning"

"I love to go to Washington -- if only to be near my money"

"(I Love to Play Piano) Let Me Bang Your Box" (1954)

"'I love turning the clocks back so it gets dark by 4 pm' Said no one ever"

"I love watching The History Channel. It's my favorite past time"

"I love when my boss catches me doing work"

"I love you a latte"

"I love you a yacht" ("I love you a whole yacht")

"I love you like milk loves cookies"

"I love you like the last slice of pizza"

"I love you more than Chinese restaurants love cats"

"I love you more than coffee, but not always before coffee"

"I love you more than milk loves cookies"

"I love you to the fridge and back"

"I made a belt of herbs. It wasn't useful and ended up being a waist of thyme"

"I made a chicken salad today. Cheeky bastard didn't even eat it"

"I made a huge to do list for this weekend. I just can't figure out who's going to do it"

"I made a killing in the stock market today -- I shot my broker"

"I made a soup entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere. It was a broth of fresh air"

"I made chili con carne from Scratch. I'll miss Scratch. He was a good dog!"

"I made it so Jesus comes up on my laptop if I leave it alone for 5 minutes. He is my screen savior"

"I made love for an hour and fifteen minutes. We turned the clocks ahead"

"I made some fish tacos last night. But they just ignored them and swam away"

"I made some jerk chicken today. He didn’t even say 'thank you'!"

"I made some synonym rolls. They all came out looking different, but they taste the same"

"I made some synonym rolls. They're tasty, delicious, mouthwatering, delectable"

"I make chocolate disappear. What's your superpower?"

"I make pour decisions"

"I make serious coffee -- so strong it wakes up the neighbors"

"I may be fat, but I identify as a skinny person. I'm trans-fat"

"I may be fat, but you're ugly and I can diet"

"I may be quarantined, but my boobs have never been freer"

"I may be ugly, but I fuck like the government"

"I may forget a lot of things, but drinking coffee will never be one of them"

"I may look like a potato now, but one day I'll turn into fries and you'll all want me then"

"I may love to shop, but I'm not buying your bullshit"

"I may not be much to look at, but I fuck like the government"

"I mean, yeah, I could probably live without coffee, but..."

"I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me..." (joke)

"I met a girl at a soccer game. I think she’s a keeper"

"I met my ex-wife at the gym. We didn't work out"

"I met my girlfriend at an African language class. We just clicked!"

"I met my wife on the net. We were bad trapeze artists"

"I met my wife on Tinder. That was awkward"

"I met someone else who urinates on fruit. We're going to go on a date"

"I might just take you out for pizza if you play your carbs right"

"I might not be pretty, but I fuck like the government"

"I might sleep in the spare bedroom tonight and pretend I'm in a hotel" (quarantine joke)

"I might wake up early and go running..." (joke)

"I miss being able to raw dog oxygen"

"I miss my wife's cooking -- as often as I can"

"I miss New York so much, sometimes I fill my humidifier with urine"

"I miss skipping school. Calling out of work is too serious"

"I missed the cosmetics exam. I had to do a makeup test"

"I misunderstood the meaning of 'strip mall' and now I’m not allowed back"

"I mostly use my driver's license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive"

"I mostly use my driver's license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive"

"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of an enemy"

"I moved into a bungalow. I wanted a house, but that's another story"

"I moved into an apartment over a bank. My assets over five million dollars"

"I moved to New York for my health. I'm paranoid and my fears were justified"

"I must be in the front row"

"'I must do something' will always solve more problems than 'Something must be done'"

"I must get up. My coffee needs me"

"I must have money because I still have checks left"

"I named my eraser Confidence. Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make"

"I named my stomach Budapest, Because it is the capital of Hungry"

"I need a battery so I can tell the time."/"Is it for a clock?" (joke)

"I need a coffee, a vacation, and a bag full of cash. That's all"

"I need a coffee so strong that I forget my problems and possibly my name, too"

"I need a glass of wine. Or a bottle. Or a winery in Italy"

"I need a hug...e bottle of wine"

"I need a hug, or a good cry. Or both, maybe a bottle of beer"

"I need a hug, or a good cry. Or both, maybe a bottle of vodka"

"I need a hug, or a good cry. Or both, maybe a bottle of wine"

"I need a maycation. I may come back and I may not"

"I need a six month vacation, twice a year"

"I need a vacation, not a stupid weekend"

"I need an appointment."/"How about 10 tomorrow?"/"No, I don't need that many."

"I need coffee & you need a shut the fucupcake"

"I need glasses to see my family. Specifically, two glasses of Scotch"

"I need my coffee because sometimes this mouth wakes up before my brain does"

"I need some kind of cation... vacation... staycation... medication..."

"I need some kind of cation... vacation... staycation... relocation... medication..."

"I need some kinda cation... vacation... staycation... medication..."

"I need that kinda coffee that's so strong when I take a sip, my ancestors wake up"

"I need to find a way to be asleep, but still get all my work done"

"I need to get back in shape, but I'm kind of waiting to see if the world is going to end"

"I need to get my life together but I’m kind of waiting to see if the world is going to end"

"I need to practice social distancing from the refrigerator"

"I need to social distance myself from my refrigerator so I can flatten my curve"

"I need to start buying condiment colored shirts"

"I need vitamin Cash"

"I need y'all to drive with that same energy you pulled out in front of me with"

"I need you to drive with the same energy you pulled out in front of me with"

"I never dreamed about success. I worked for it" (Estée Lauder)

"I never drink. I just disinfect internal injuries"

"I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes"

"I never drive on back roads after smoking marijuana, because it's not the high way"

"I never eat in a restaurant that's over a hundred feet off the ground and won't stand still"

"I never finish anyth"

"I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts"

"I never got a job from a poor person"

"I never joined the mile-high club because I don't give a flying fuck"

"I never knew I could drop out of school until the 'Be cool, stay in school' guy gave a speech"

"I never laugh until I've had my coffee"

"I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure"

"I never promised you a rose garden"

"I never question myself. Why should I start now?"

"I never realized how short a month is until I started paying bills"

"I never realized how short a month was until I started paying bills"

"I never run with scissors. Those last two words were unnecessary"

"I never thought I would see the day when weed was easier to get than toilet paper"

"I never thought 'I wouldn't touch him/her with a 6-foot pole' would become a national policy"

"I never thought 'I wouldn't touch him/her with a 10-foot pole' would become a national policy"

"I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd wake up early in the morning to exercise..."

"I never thought I'd get into Feng Shui, but oh, how the tables have turned"

"I never thought in my entire life that my hands would consume more alcohol than my mouth"

"I never understood school shooting jokes. I guess they're aimed at a younger audience"

"I never use body butter. I don't want to make myself irresistible to cannibals"

"I never used to warm up my Thanksgiving leftovers, but then I quit cold turkey"

"I never vote for anybody; I always vote against"

"I no longer dislike Mondays, I'm a professional now... I dislike the whole week"

"I no longer identify as a 'conspiracy theorist'..."

"I no longer dislike Mondays, I'm mature now... I dislike the whole week"

"I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now change your Facebook status"

"I occasionally enjoy having my steak undercooked...but that's rare"

"I opened two gifts this morning. They were my eyes"

"I once entered the World Kleptomaniac Championships. I took gold, silver and bronze"

"I once had a job drilling holes. It was really boring"

"I once knew a bailiff who moonlighted as a bartender. He served subpoena coladas"

"I once played horse chestnut fighting with a giantess. She had to stoop to conker"

"I once set an alarm to tell me when my milk would expire. Spoiler alert"

"I once tried to sniff Coke, but the ice cubes blocked my nostrils"

"I once worked as a salesman and was very independent. I took orders from no one"

"I only accept apologies in cash"

"I only carry rare coins. I have no common cents"

"I only drink a little, but when I do, I turn into another person, and that person drinks a lot"

"I only drink beer 3 days a week. Yesterday, today & tomorrow"

"I only drink bourbon 3 days a week. Yesterday, today & tomorrow"

"I only drink coffee 3 days a week. Yesterday, today & tomorrow"

"I only drink whiskey 3 days a week. Yesterday, today & tomorrow"

"I only drink wine 3 days a week. Yesterday, today & tomorrow"

"I only eat in three places: here, there and everywhere"

"I only have a kitchen because it came with the house"

"'I only have diamonds, clubs and spades,' said Tom heartlessly"

"I only like New York as a friend"

"I only need coffee on days ending with the letter 'Y'"

"I only practice safe sex in bank vaults"

"I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country" (Nathan Hale)

"I only saw Act I. The program said 'Act II, one year later,' and I couldn't wait that long"

"I only saw Act I. The program said 'Act II, same as Act I,' but I didn't want to see it over again"

"I opened a bar for men with erectile dysfunction. It was a total flop. Nobody came"

"I opened a tub of margarine & inside was a lump of green slime. I can’t believe it, snot butter"

"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee"

"I ordered a Manhattan and that Indian bartender charged me $24!"

"I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but.. I'd accidentally ordered Avogadro's Toast"

"I ordered tennis balls on the internet, but the site crashed. Must be problems with the server"

"I ordered tennis balls on the internet, but the site crashed. Must be problems with the server"

"I ordered two large fries, not a hundred little ones!"

"I prefer my kale with a silent 'k'"

"I overshare on social media to make up for never talking to anyone in real life"

"I owe, I owe, so off to work I go"

"I owe it all to art books, chocolate and young men" (Beatrice Wood)

"I paid my rent so don't ask me to come out. I'm at home getting my money's worth"

"I paid my taxes, and all I got was this stupid oligarchy"

"I paid the rent... Now I've got a place to starve to death"

"I passed a drug test recently, which is strange because I don't remember eating one"

"I passed my paintball exam with flying colors"

"I passed my paintball exam with flying colours"

"I passed my physical exam! But I only got a C in Hepatitis"

"I paused my game to be here" (gaming saying)

"I pay too many bills to be paying attention to people that don’t pay my bills"

"I pay too many bills to be paying attention to shit that don't pay my bills"

"I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline. A kid answered, called me a..." (joke)

"I pick fresh vegetables every day. I feed them to my pig and he converts them into bacon"

"I plan on marrying into a family that does mimosas on holiday mornings instead of 5K’s"

"I play a little guitar, but mostly I play the ukulele"

"I play a little guitar" (ukulele joke)

"I played a great horse yesterday. It took seven horses to beat him"

"I played frisbee with my dog today. I think I need a flatter dog"

"I played in a snooker tournament for the emotionally unstable. I was first to break"

"I pledge a legion to the flag" (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

"I pledge a lesion to the flag" (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

"I pledge a lesson to the frog" (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

"I pledge allegiance to the cup that holds my caffeinated beverage..." (coffee pledge)

"I pledge allegiance to the mask of the World Health Organization..."

"I posed naked for a men's fitness magazine. The cashier would have preferred I'd just paid for it"

"I prefer my guns the way Democrats prefer their voters: undocumented and untraceable"

"I prefer to have my milk churned. It’s butter that way"

"I pretend coffee helps, but I’m still a bitch"

"I pretended to be asleep and then I fell asleep. Now I'm going to pretend I'm skinny"

"I probably shouldn't have driven home from the pub last night. Especially as I walked there"

"I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don't think they're ugly or something"

"I put Jesus on my background pic and now my phone never dies. Yup, he’s my screen-savior"

"I put ketchup in my eyes today. In Heinzsight, it was a bad idea"

"I put my heart and soul into my work, and have lost my mind in the process"

"I put my phone on airplane mode. Now it won't stop calling me Shirley"

"I put my phone on airplane mode. Now it won't stop calling me Shirley"

"I put my wife's chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers. It gets her Snickers in a Twix"

"I put the thingamabob inside the whatchamacallit, turned the doohickey..."

"I question the timing" (IQTT)

"I quit as a taxi driver. Couldn’t stand all the people talking behind my back"

"I quit my job crushing cans. It was soda pressing"

"I quit my job over religious differences. My boss thought he was God and I didn’t"

"I quit my job testing treadmills. I felt I wasn't going anywhere"

"I quit my job working at a helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice"

"I quit smoking cold turkey" (joke)

"I ran 5 miles for the first time. I didn't think that ice cream truck would ever stop!"

"I ran 5 miles for the first time. I didn't think that ice cream truck would ever stop!"

"'I ran a half marathon' sounds so much better than 'I quit halfway through a marathon'"

"I ran into a lamppost yesterday. Luckily, I only sustained light injuries"

"I ran out of coffee this morning. Tequila seemed a reasonable replacement. Everyone is so pretty"

"I ran out of toilet paper, so have begun using old newspapers... The Times are rough"

"I ran over 5 miles today. Like, what are the odds they were all named Miles? Crazy"

"I ran twice today. First I ran out of beer, and then I ran to get some more"

"I rarely put orange slices in my beer. Once in a Blue Moon"

"I read old books because I would rather learn from those who built civilization than those who tore it down"

"I read recipes the same way I read science fiction" (joke)

"I read that a banana a day helps to keep your colon clean. I just wish they'd told me..." (joke)

"I really don't know how fast light travels, but it gets here too early in the morning"

"I really hope mailmen don’t start getting the Coronavirus. They’re really good carriers"

"I really love my fanbase...without it my fan would fall over"

"I really shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there"

"I really want to buy a supermarket checkout divider, but the cashier keeps putting it back"

"I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company. I’m now the main stake holder"

"I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company. I’m now the main stake holder"

"I recently bought a bread knife. It's not as good as stainless steel"

"I recently came into a large sum of money" (joke)

"I recently joined a support group for people who talk a lot. We call ourselves On and On Anon"

"I recently opened a restaurant. I guess you could call me an entrée-preneur"

"I recently passed a drug test, which is weird because I don't recall eating one"

"I recently started taking my paddle boat out on the lake. I feel like canoe person"

"I recently took my apiary exam. I got a B"

"I recently tried the fruitarian diet, where you can only eat things that fall from trees..."

"I reckon the inventor of Ovaltine must be a malty millionaire by now"

"I refuse to bookmark a website..." (joke)

"I refuse to drink tap water till it’s gone though my Brita filter that I haven’t changed"

"I refuse to make my own sandwich. I rely on sub contractors"

"I refuse to pay for Jewish bread. I'm a challah cost denier"

"I refuse to work with compost. It's degrading"

"I reject the assertion that my family & I must be made defenseless for you & yours to feel safe"

"I reject the assertion that my family must be made defenseless for you to be safe"

"I reject the belief that I must be defenseless in order for you to feel safe"

"I relabeled all the jars in the spice rack at home. I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin"

"I relish pickles"

"I rely on hotels so much I’ve actually become quite inn-dependent"

"I remember a time when people who got tested with no apparent symptoms were called hypochondriacs"

"I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's election night"

"I remember when I was broke. I’m still broke that’s why I remember so well"

"I remember when I was poor. I’m still poor that’s why I remember so well"

"I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education"

"I-rish you a very nice place to live, I-rish God's greatest gifts he'll give..."

"I run better than the government"

"I run better than the government"

"I run entirely on caffeine and inappropriate thoughts"

"I run entirely on caffeine and anger"

"I run entirely on caffeine, sarcasm and inappropriate thoughts"

"I run entirely on caffeine, sarcasm, lifting weights and inappropriate thoughts"

"I run like the winded"

"I run on caffeine and anger"

"I run on caffeine, cats and cuss words"

"I run on caffeine, chaos and cuss words"

"I run on caffeine, grease, loud music and cuss words"

"I run on caffeine, grease, loud music and cuss words"

"I run on caffeine, grease, loud music and cuss words"

"I run on coffee and bad decisions"

"I run on coffee and cuss words"

"I run on coffee, chaos and cuss words"

"I run on coffee & Christmas cheer"

"I run on coffee, sarcasm and lipstick"

"I run on coffee, wine & Amazon Prime"

"I run on diesel, caffeine and cuss words"

"I run on diesel, caffeine and cuss words"

"I run on Starbucks, sarcasm and red lipstick"

"I run because I really like food"

"I said, 'Make me a Zombie.' The bartender said, 'God beat me to it'"

"I said to my boss the other day, 'I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!'" (joke)

"I said to the waitress, 'What’s the duck like?' She said, 'Like a chicken, but it can swim.'"

"I save my back exercise till the end. Lats but not least"

"I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time"

"I saw a bumper sticker that said 'I miss New York,' so I broke the window and stole the radio"

"I saw a bumper sticker saying 'I am a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal'"

"I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out"

"I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. It was riveting"

"I saw a family of raisins in the bank today. They were opening a currant account!"

"I saw a guy at Starbucks today. No phone, no tablet, no laptop. He just sat there drinking coffee"

"I saw a guy at the beach yelling, 'Help! Shark! Help!' I knew the shark wasn't helping"

"I saw a hot dog vendor today..." (joke)

"I saw a microbiologist today. He was bigger than I imagined"

"I saw a movie on databases today. Can't wait for the SQL"

"I saw a pasta driving a piece of yellow fruit. Spaghetti in a car banana"

"I saw a robin redbreast in Central Park, but it turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound"

"I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. It would work much better on the front"

"I saw a sign in a shop window that read ‘Pay No Interest.’ So I carried on walking"

"I saw a sign on the train saying, 'Please give this seat to an elderly person'" (joke)

"I saw a sign: 'Rest Area 25 Miles.' That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired"

"I saw a sign that made me piss myself. It said, 'Toilets closed'"

"I saw a sign that made me shit myself. It said, 'Bathroom closed'"

"I saw a sign that said 'falling rocks.' I tried. It doesn't"

"I saw a sign that said 'Slow Deer Crossing.' Why don't the deer just run faster?"

"I saw a sign that said 'Watch for children'" (joke)

"I saw a spider at the gym. He said it was leg leg leg leg leg leg leg leg day"

"I saw an ad that said, 'TV for sale-Volume Stuck on Full.' I couldn't turn that down"

"I saw an Amish billboard that said, 'don't drink or drive'"

"I saw an Amish billboard that said, 'don't drink or drive'"

"I saw an Elvis impersonator covered in cream and black cherries, singing 'In the Gâteau'"

"I saw an Irish dancing show today called Streamdance. It’s not quite as good as Riverdance, but then it is only a tributary act"

"I saw someone pickpocket a dwarf. I don’t know how anyone could stoop so low"

"I saw the acronym NYFW (New York Fashion Week) and read it as Not Yafe For Work"

"I saw trombone players at the park today. Couldn't swing and kept complaining about the slide"

"I saw trombone players at the park today. Couldn't swing and kept complaining about the slide"

"I saw two men in matching outfits, so I asked them if they were gay. They arrested me!"

"I saw you from across the bar. Stay there" (social distancing pickup line)

"I saw your shirt. Who's NY?" -Overly Attached Girlfriend

"I say it's spinach, and I say the hell with it"

"I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen"

"I say please and thank you Siri, that way when machines take over the world she will spare me"

"I scream for ice cream" ("I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream")

"I scream. You scream. The police come. It's awkward"

"'I see,' said the blind carpenter as he picked up his hammer and saw"

"I see the price of Oxo cubes has shot up again. The stock market's gone crazy"

"I see way too many gardens without tiny bearded figurines. The gnomeless"

"I see you have some graph paper. You must be plotting something"

"I seen my opportunities and I took 'em" & "Honest graft" (George Washington Plunkitt)

"I sell pies from my car. $2 for apple, $3 for pumpkin. These are the pie rates of the car I be in"

"I serve three meals: frozen, microwave and takeout"

"I set my alarm clock ahead to prevent being late..." (joke)

"I sexually identify as a microwave dinner..." (joke)

"I shop everywhere, but I buy on 14th Street"

"I shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye"

"I shot someone with a starting gun. I've been charged with race crime"

"I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I'm in whey over my head"

"I shouldn't have had seafood because now I'm feeling a little eel"

"I signed up for Binary 101, but it turns out it's a level 5 course"

"I skip Black Friday because my hatred of mankind outweighs my love for stuff"

"I slapped a statue's ass. I've officially hit rock bottom"

"I sleep better naked. Why can't the flight attendant understand this?"

"I sleep better naked. Why can't the flight attendants understand this?"

"I slept in a bed of rice last night. I was asleep as soon as my head hit the pilau"

"I sold fake eclipse glasses. but those suckers will never see me again"

"I sometimes wonder if Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima are married to each other"

"I souport publik edukashun"

"I speak fluent French (fries)"

"I speak French (fries)"

"I spend a lot of time holding the fridge door open looking for answers"

"I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer"

"I spent $1,000, but the limo had no driver. All that money with nothing to chauffeur it"

"I spent a year in that town, one Sunday"

"I spent four years in college and didn't learn anything. Double majored in psych & reverse psych"

"I spent my entire life savings on pasta. It was worth every penne"

"I spent three weeks trying to stuff the Thanksgiving turkey -- through the beak"

"I spent too much money on video games this month. All of my savings have gone up in Steam"

"I squint at the sun because it is bright. I squint at people because they are not"

"I squint at the sun because it's bright. I squint at people because they aren't"

"I squint at the sun because it's bright. I squint at people because they're not"

"I start my new job as an apprentice bell ringer. Someone will be showing me the ropes"

"I started a business that sells fertilizer. You could say I'm an entre-manure"

"I started a cold air balloon business, but I'm having trouble getting it off the ground"

"I started investing in stocks: beef, chicken, and vegetable. One day, I hope to be a bouillonaire"

"I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left"

"I stayed at a vegan hotel last night. It was the Radishon"

"I stayed in a hotel run by two contortionists. They bent over backwards for me"

"I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me"

"I stayed up to watch daylight savings time. It was still dark"

"I stepped on a cornflake this morning. I'm a cereal killer now"

"I still can't believe people's survival instincts told them to grab toilet paper"

"I still don't know what I'm wearing to the living room New Year's Eve. I might not even go"

"I still don't understand what a wine stopper is for"

"I still hate Commies... even after they changed their name to Liberals"

"I still have a landline, or as I like to call it, 'a cell phone finder'"

"I stole the car because I had to get to work" (joke)

"I stole yeast from the local bakery. They can't prove a thing"

"I stood waving at my neighbor for 10 minutes before realizing she was just cleaning her windows"

"I stop the microwave with 1 second to go so I can feel like a bomb disposal expert"

"I stopped living paycheck to paycheck. Now I live direct deposit to direct deposit"

"I stopped understanding math when the alphabet decided to get involved"

"I struggle with Roman numerals until I get to 159. Then it just CLIX"

"I study old buildings because I would rather learn from those who built civilization than those who tore it down"

"I stumbled across a website for clumsy people"

"I submitted 10 puns to a newspaper contest hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did"

"I support renewable energy. It's called coffee"

"I support the fair tax. 0% is fair. Anything above that is stealing"

"I sure do eat a lot of food for someone that expects to fit into clothes"

"I sure do eat a lot of food for someone who expects to fit into clothes"

"I sure hope I get an 'A' on my daughter's science fair project"

"I survived the NYC earthquake" (April 5, 2024)

"I swallowed a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had"

"I swallowed an abacus because it’s what’s inside that counts"

"I swear it was Friday like 5 minutes ago"

"I swear it was Friday like 2 seconds ago"

"I swear to drunk I'm not God" (joke)

"I swim because I'm too sexy for a sport that requires clothes"

"I swim to look good naked"

"I switched to a wine that doesn't make me urinate. Pinot Moor"

"I take my coffee with two scoops of it's too early for this shit and a splash of zip it until noon"

"I take my paycheck to the bar because that’s better than drinking a loan"

"I taught a wolf to meditate. Now he's aware wolf"

"I taught my daughter what the word 'bargain' meant" (joke)

"I tell dad jokes, but I have no kids. I'm a faux pa"

"I tell new hires, 'Don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you'"

"I tested positive for sickofthisshit-20. There is no cure, and I may or may not be contagious"

"I think about winning the lottery way too much for someone that don't buy lottery tickets"

"I think about winning the lottery way too much for someone who doesn't even play it"

"I think Christmas is a wonderful time for drinking"

"I think every morning that I'm going to make pancakes, but I keep waffling"

"I think everyone should use two deodorants, one under each armpit. That’s just my two scents"

"I think getting older is when you'd rather day drink than go out all night"

"I think I aced my drug test at work yesterday. Nobody got higher than me"

"I think I still have some unfinished procrastinating to do from yesterday"

"I think it would be great if Walmart added an upper level observation deck with a full bar"

"I think it's about time we start calling this 'virus' by its proper name: #5GFLU"

"I think it’s great that people are finally going to drink water, wipe their ass, and wash hands"

"I think it's neat to order whisky, no ice"

"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly"

"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly"

"I think I've been eating too much salmon recently. I keep running up down escalators"

"I think my cat might be a communist. He won't shut up about Mao"

"I think my 'check liver' light is going to come on soon"

"I think my coworkers are gay. Every time I walk by they mumble, 'What an ass!'"

"I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I'm still at work"

"I think my math teacher works for the CIA. He always wants to put radicals in isolation"

"I think my patience is at the bottom of this coffee cup. Hang on while I find it"

"I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas"

"I think my smart phone is broken. I pressed the home button, but I'm still at school"

"I think my smartphone is broken. I pressed the home button, but I'm still at work"

"I think my soulmate might be carbs"

"I think New York has reached the point where it can finally be called York"

"I think of Wednesday as the middle finger of the work week"

"I think someone's been watering down my whiskey, but I don't have the proof"

"I think that a butt-dial is a polite form of booty-call"

"I think people who use the wrong word should have the humidity to admit it"

"I think the girl at the grocery store likes me. She was totally checking me out"

"I think the holidays are a wonderful time for drinking"

"I think the real reason this generation is so angry is because their music sucks"

"I think, therefore I am censored"

"I think, therefore I don't have much in common with a lot of people"

"I think, therefore I don't have much in common with most people"

"I think, therefore I don't have much in common with quite a few people"

"I think we need to stop calling it 'working from home' and start calling it 'living at work'"

"I think we should get rid of democracy. All in favor. raise your hand"

"I think you press '0' to be connected with customer service because that's the amount of help"

"I think you're suffering from a lack of vitamin me"

"I thought a gyroscope helped you find Greek food"

"I thought about becoming a psychic, but I didn't know what people would think"

"I thought I dipped my tortilla chip into cheese sauce, but it was a queso mistaken identity"

"I thought I had Covid-19 because I couldn’t breathe. Then I unbuttoned my pants and it was OK"

"I thought I had found the perfect website to help me with my fear of flying -- until it crashed"

"I thought I had found the perfect website to help me with my fear of flying -- until it crashed"

"I thought I liked seeing movies, but turns out I like eating candy in a dark room"

"I thought I'd take a stab at an Ides of March joke"

"I thought it was 1.31 miles" (half marathon joke)

"I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator"

"I thought they said 1.31 miles" (half marathon joke)

"I threw a boomerang at a ghost the other day. I knew it would come back to haunt me"

"I threw out animal crackers because the box said, 'Do not consume if seal is broken'"

"I tied all of my spaghetti together whilst I was drunk last night and ended up skipping dinner"

"I told a joke on a Zoom call today and no one laughed. I guess I'm not remotely funny"

"I told my boss I needed a pay raise. I said that three other companies are after me" (joke)

"I told my builder I didn't want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair"

"I told my carpenter I didn't want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair"

"I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair"

"I told my cycologist about you"

"I told my dyslexic mate to turn his clock back..." (joke)

"I told my hot coworker how I felt and she felt the same way. So I turned on the air conditioning"

"I told my mother-in-law to make herself at home, so she sold the place"

"I told my suitcases there will be no vacation this year. Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage"

"I told my wife a husband is like fine wine; he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar"

"I told my wife a man is like good wine; he gets better with age. So she locked me in the cellar"

"I told my wife that it was her turn to shovel and salt the front steps. All I got was icy stares"

"I told myself I should stop drinking... But i'm not about to listen to some drunk"

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places" (joke)

"I told the waitress my steak was bad..." (joke)

"I took a baking class. The final was a piece of cake"

"I took a dehumidifier into a sauna, just to see which one would win"

"I took a demolitions class. The first day was a train wreck"

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative"

"I took her to a barn dance, but all I got was the same old stall"

"I took levitation classes once, but I dropped out"

"I took my car in for a service this morning. I couldn't get it through the church doors"

"I took my dead cat to a taxidermist, but they stuffed the wrong end. It was a cat-ass-trophy"

"I took my son to Coney Island. I asked, 'Wanna go in the Crazy House?'" (joke)

"I took my wife to an orchard for her birthday. Apparently, it wasn't the Apple Watch she wanted"

"I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector today" (joke)

"I took up fencing once, but I couldn’t see the point"

"I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either"

"I totally understand why Italian Renaissance paintings are of naked fat people laying on a couch"

"I totally understand why Italian Renaissance paintings are people lying around with their tits out"

"I tried cooking with wine. After 5 glasses, I forgot why I was in the kitchen"

"I tried making a candlelit dinner. I think it would have cooked quicker in the oven"

"I tried paying taxes with a smile, but the IRS wanted cash"

"I tried playing water polo, but my horse drowned"

"I tried starting my day without coffee once... My court date is pending"

"I tried suing someone for stealing my basketball, but it got thrown out of court"

"I tried taking everything in life with a grain of salt. After using up two bags of salt I gave up"

"I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life"

"I tried to buy a hot dog with ketchup, but the vendor would only accept cash"

"I tried to buy a life insurance policy, but they just laughed and said I need to get a life first"

"I tried to catch some fog. I mist"

"I tried to change my password to 'beefstew,' but it wasn't stroganoff"

"I tried to change my password to 'beefstew,' but it wasn't stroganoff"

"I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing. This is as close as I could get"

"I tried to design a piece of paper and my teacher was impressed. He gave me an A4 effort"

"I tried to force-feed our son when my wife said, 'Use the fricking spoon. You're not a Jedi'"

"I tried to go to a moving sale today, but I couldn't catch up to it"

"I tried to re-marry my ex-wife, but she figured out I was only after my money"

"I tried to say no to vodka, but it's 40% stronger than me"

"I tried to send Bugs Bunny a file through Google Drive, but he only accepts a Whatsapp doc"

"I tried to share a bag of potato chips with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench" (joke)

"I tried to walk into a Target, but I missed"

"I tried to write a drinking song once, but I couldn't get past the first bar"

"I tried to write a drinking song once, but I couldn't get past the first bar"

"I tried to write a drinking song once, but I couldn't get past the first bar"

"I trust the government to lie about everything"

"I try to avoid things that make me fat. Like scales, photos and mirrors"

"I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant 'food'"

"I turn coffee into tax returns"

"I TRUST THE SCIENCE!"/"You trust the television."

"I used to be a freelance journalist, but I wasn't very good at it. Lance is still in prison"

"I used to be a heavy drinker, but then I lost some weight"

"I used to be a lifeguard until some blue kid got me fired"

"I used to be a member of the secret cooking society. They kicked me out for spilling the beans"

"I used to be a shoe salesman, but they gave me the boot"

"I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink"

"I used to be a trapeze artist, but I was let go"

"I used to be addicted to swimming, but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for two years"

"I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers. I had to quit cold turkey"

"I used to be an expert in the Dunning-Kruger effect. Then I started to learn more about it"

"I used to be in a band called Gravy and Onions. We covered Meat Loaf"

"I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'. You probably saw our posters"

"I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure"

"I used to be liberal. Then I left home & got a job"

"I used to be Snow White, but I drifted" (Mae West)

"I used to care what other people thought until I tried to pay my bills with their opinions"

"I used to date an opera singer, but it didn't work out. She was all mi, mi, mi"

"I used to do drugs in the 60s. Now I don't care what the temperature is"

"I used to do drugs in the 70s. Now I don't care what the temperature is"

"I used to do drugs in the 80s. Now I don't care what the temperature is"

"I used to do drugs in the 90s. Now I don't care what the temperature is"

"I used to do drugs in the sixties. Now I don't care what the temperature is"

"I used to eat all natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes"

"I used to hate eating my greens as a kid. They tasted worse than the other crayons"

"I used to hate math, but then I realized decimals have a point"

"I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it"

"I used to have a riding academy, but business kept falling off"

"I used to have a rock garden -- they all died"

"I used to have mad cow disease, but I'm alright noooooo!" (joke)

"I used to just crastinate. Then I decided to go pro"

"I used to like chicken more than beef, but that was hen and this is cow"

"I used to live in a teapot. I know what you're thinking. Poor you"

"I used to live in a tyre, but it got a puncture. Now I just live in a flat"

"I used to own a Bed and Breakfast. Then I ate the breakfast, and now I just own a bed"

"I used to own a Bed and Breakfast. Then I ate the breakfast, and now I just own a bed"

"I used to pee my pants when i stood in front of my 3rd grade class. It cost me my teaching career"

"I used to play the triangle in a reggae band, but left because it was just one ting after another"

"I used to run a riding school, but business kept falling off"

"I used to run an origami company, but it folded"

"I used to see a life coach pretty frequently, back when they were called bartenders"

"I used to see a life coach quite frequently... back then they were called bartenders"

"I used to think drinking a whole pot of coffee by yourself meant you have a problem..."

"I used to think drinking was bad for me...so I gave up thinking"

"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure"

"I used to think that sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me..."

"I used to walk five miles to and from school, uphill both ways" (parent joke)

"I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit. No more Mr. Knife guy"

"I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded"

"I used to work in a diving school, but the company went under"

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place"

"I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying"

"I used to work in a tiddlywinks factory, but it was counter productive"

"I used to work in a watch factory. I sat around making faces all day"

"I used up all my sick days, so I called in dead" (workplace saying)

"I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time"

"I wake up with a good attitude every day. Then idiots happen"

"I wake up with a good attitude every morning. Then idiots happen"

"I walked in on my wife yelling that she hated low lying clouds..." (joke)

"I walked into a bar and ordered a double..." (bar joke)

"I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, 'One day, this could be you'"

"I walked up to reception in the hotel and said, 'Sorry, but I forgot what room I'm in'" (joke)

"I walked up to the bar and asked for a white wine..." (bar joke)

"I wanna be nice, but then people happen"

"I wanna guac and roll all night, and party every day"

"I wanna guac and roll all night, and patty every day" (guacamole burger)

"I wanna guac and roll all night, and salsa every day"

"I wanna guac & roll all night, and margarita every day"

"I WANNA STOP DRINKING but I realized the owner of the liquor store gotta family to feed"

"I want a deduction stove that cooks food by logically entailing it from a set of premises"

"I want abs...olutely all of this guac"

"I want abs...olutely all the bacon"

"I want abs...olutely all the cookies"

"I want abs...olutely all the donuts"

"I want abs...olutely all the food"

"I want abs...olutely all the pasta and breadsticks"

"I want abs...olutely all the pizza"

"I want abs...olutely all the tacos"

"I want anarchy. Because my keyboard is missing one"

"I want food, cuddles, attention and exercise. I'm basically a puppy"

"I want fresh ice cubes! None of that frozen shit!"

"I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead"

"I want to be a bartender. Men named Bart... look out"

"I want to be a nice person, but everyone is just so stupid"

"I want to be a nice person, but everyone is so stupid"

"I want to be a nice person, but people are so stupid"

"I want to create a world where the environment doesn't need protecting"

"I want to die the day after Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women"

"I want to grow my own food, but I can’t find any bacon seeds"

"I want to grow my own food, but no one makes pizza seeds"

"I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers"

"I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers"

"I want to live with the NY Jets. They don't beat anybody"

"I want to make pancakes, but I keep waffling"

"I want to open a BDSM-themed sandwich shop called Dom's Subs"

"I want to open a two dollar store for people that enjoy the finer things"

"I want to start juicing, but I'm hesitant because I don't know how to juice pizza"

"I want to start juicing but I'm hesitant because I don't know how to juice tacos"

"I want to start selling an alcoholic fermented rice wine spiked with viagra -- For Fucks Saké"

"I want to stop drinking coffee but the owner of Starbucks has a family to feed"

"I want to thank everyone for making this night necessary" (Yogi Berra Night)

"I wanted still water."/"This is sparkling, yes, but it's still water."

"I wanted to be a stenographer, but they told me they are not short-handed at the moment"

"I wanted to buy a half a rabbit, but the butcher didn't want to split hares"

"I wanted to do panic buying, I checked my account... I can only panic"

"I wanted to do some panic buying today, but after checking my bank account all I can do is panic"

"I wanted to give a fuck today, but it clashes with my outfit"

"I wanted to go jogging but Proverbs 28:1 says, 'the wicked run when no one is chasing them'"

"I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe..." (joke)

"I wanted to go running but Proverbs 28:1 says, 'the wicked run when no one is chasing them'"

"I wanted to go to the gym tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe..."

"I wanted to marry my jailed English teacher, but you can't end a sentence with a proposition"

"I wanted to place a bid at the silent auction, but it was not aloud"

"I wanted to stop drinking but then I remembered the owner of the pub has a family to feed"

"I wanted to try water skiing but I couldn’t find a sloping lake"

"I was a rubbish church window cleaner. I got rid of all the stains"

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight"

"I was accused of illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia. I said I could explain everything"

"I was addicted to eating frozen poultry, but I quit cold turkey"

"I was addicted to the Hokey-Pokey, but I turned myself around"

"I was afraid I might fail my fireworks exam, but I passed with flying colors"

"I was an honor student -- I don't know what happened" (bumper sticker)

"I was asked how much television I watch. I said that I usually watch the whole screen"

"I was attacked by a gang of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me"

"I was bitten by a radioactive lawyer and ended up with the power of attorney"

"I was born at night, but not last night"

"I was born to be rich. I can tell by the way I spend money"

"I was doing my vocabulary homework when suddenly I felt dizzy. I had to sit for a spell"

"I was drinking at a bar, so i took the bus home..." (joke)

"I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and thought, wow, this is ledge 'n dairy"

"I was driving to the airport and saw a sign that said 'Airport Left,' so I went back home"

"I was driving to work and saw a woman driving with her hazard lights on. At least she's honest"

"I was eating green onions when all of a sudden, I started rhyming. They were rap scallions"

"I was feeding cannabis-laced brownies to the seabirds. No tern was left unstoned"

"I was feeling bad about my code so I went outside and take a run..." (joke)

"I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares. It's nice to have a bit of company"

"I was fired from my job yesterday for being a pervert. I don't understand; I'm always hard at work"

"I was fired from the keyboard factory today. I wasn't putting in enough shifts"

"I was forced to swallow purple food coloring. I feel violated"

"I was given a book the other day on anger management. I lost it"

"I was going to buy a new toaster, but kept the old one. Better the Breville you know"

"I was going to eat a spaghetti squash, but then I thought, 'Nah, I butternut'"

"I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it"

"I was going to make a joke about carpentry, but can't think of any that wood work"

"I was going to make a joke about sodium, but Na"

"I was going to post about my afternoon run, but I was autocorrected to afternoon rum"

"I was going to share a vegetable joke, but it's corny"

"I was going to start a hillside herb garden, but didn't have the thyme or the inclination"

"I was going to start a taxi service for seniors and call it Oldsmobile"

"I was going to tell a finance joke, but then again, it would bear no interest to you"

"I was going to turn all my guns over to the government, but I did a background check..."

"I was gonna start dieting, but Halloween is coming up, then Thanksgiving and Christmas candy..."

"I was in a restaurant last night and the waiter asked me to cover his shift" (joke)

"I was in love with Harlem long before I got there"

"I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won..." (joke)

"I was led to believe adulthood would involve more cocktail sipping and less everything sucking"

"I was massively overcharged for a jelly this morning. It was daylight wobbly"

"I was meant to be rich. I can tell by the way I spend money"

"I was meant to be rich, I just know it. I can tell by the way I spend money"

"I was named after my dad. Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him"

"I was never a photogenic person, mainly because when everyone said cheese I said 'where?!'"

"I was on the beach and got hit by a massive wave of cake. It was a tiramisunami"

"I was out on a date with a girl, when I asked her, 'Do you spit or swallow?'" (wine tasting joke)

"I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'" (joke)

"I was robbed at the gas station today!" (high gas prices joke)

"I was sad, then I saw food"

"I was shopping online and saw a horse that I rather liked. So I clicked 'Add to cart'"

"I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning..." (joke)

"I was sitting in traffic the other day. It's probably why I was run over"

"I was so drunk last night, when I got home I blew Chunks" (joke)

"I was poor, I had to use old calendars for toilet paper. Now those days are behind me"

"I was terrible at spelling when I was at school. Brilliant at jografy, though"

"I was terrible at spelling when I was at school. Brilliant at mattermattics, though"

"I was the best man for my brother's wedding in Paris..." (French toast joke)

"I was thinking about going to the Metropolitan Opera, but I am Met-averse"

"I was thinking about starting an awning company, but that's a pretty shady business to get into"

"I was thinking of running a marathon..." (joke)

"I was thinking of studying astronomy, but I fear it's all way over my head"

"I was thrown out of music school for plagiarism. I wasn't stealing songs; I was just taking notes"

"I was thrown out of music school for plagiarism. I didn’t steal songs; I was just taking notes"

"I was told that exercise helps with your decision making" (joke)

"I was told there would be no math"

"I was trying to remember what it's called when you mix coffee and ice cream, but affogato!"

"I was very young when I learned to count. It was odd at first, even then"

"I was walking down the road and first got hit by a violin, then a clarinet and then a piano..."

"I was walking through college and my camouflage teacher said I haven't seen you in class"

"I washed my hands so much due to COVID-19 that my exam notes from 1995 resurfaced"

"I wasn't born in Texas, but I got here as fast as I could!"

"I wasn't born Republican, Democrat, or yesterday"

"i wasn’t made to work a 9-5, i was made to swim in turquoise waters, eat fruit, and paint in a villa by the sea"

"I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere"

"I wasn’t sitting here awaiting govt guidance on whether I could celebrate Christmas this year"

"I wasn’t sure what to make for dinner, so I opened a bottle of wine and now I don’t care"

"I wasn’t sure whether I should get into the human trafficking business. But now I'm sold"

"I wasn't surprised when I was fired from my graffiti removal job. I saw the writing on the wall"

"I watched a film where a guy poured meat juices over a nonfiction book. It's baste on a true story"

"I watched a film where a guy poured meat juices over a nonfiction book. It's baste on a true story"

"I watched a movie about graphs. The special f(x) were terrible"

"I watched a movie documentary about the history of tea exports. It was rated PG tips"

"I watched my first porno today... I looked so much younger back then"

"I watched this play at a disadvantage -- the curtain was up" (Broadway saying)

"I wear a mask while jogging. It's a running gag"

"I wear my T-shirt to bed because my coffee shirt keeps me awake"

"I went bobsleighing the other day. Killed 20 Bobs"

"I went fishing on the weekend and used liquorice for bait. I caught allsorts"

"I went fishing today with my two friends, Rod and Annette"

"I went fishing using liquorice as bait. I caught all sorts"

"I went for a job as a contortionist. They asked, 'How flexible are you?'" (joke)

"I went for a job at a suntan lotion factory. I didn’t get it, but I'm going to reapply"

"I went for a run, but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.."

"I went into a restaurant with no shirt or shoes and my phone still worked so take that, sign"

"I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic" (joke)

"I went on a long bicycle ride yesterday. Farcical?"

"I went on an online video call and a picture of a can of spam appeared on my screen. I think it was a zoom meat tin"

"I went outside today, it was cold and there were people. Zero stars. Do not recommend it"

"I went to a BLM rally this weekend and all I got was this lousy t shirt..."

"I went to a buffet restaurant in Northwest Canada the other day. It was all Yukon eat"

"I went to a deli and said, 'I'd like to buy a bagel with cream cheese'" (joke)

"I went to a drama class and a soccer game broke out"

"I went to a family restaurant and they refused to serve me a family"

"I went to a fetish restaurant last night. I got toed in the hole!"

"I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out"

"I went to a protest last weekend and all I got was this lousy t shirt...and a TV..."

"I went to a really bad manicure competition yesterday. It was nail-biting"

"I went to a restaurant and the food was all done with special effects. It was CGI Fridays"

"I went to a restaurant run by cows. They didn’t allow tipping"

"I went to a Roman bathroom on the 6th floor. Yes, it was the VI P room"

"I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel"

"I went to a smoke shop, but it had been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar"

"I went to a strip club for blind people. The girls there were dancing like nobody was watching"

"I went to a vegan prostitute last night and she gave me her peas"

"I went to a vegan restaurant last night. Was told the menu was quite tasty" (joke)

"I went to a zoo and it had only one animal -- a dog. It was a Shih Tzu"

"I went to a market that only sold jelly and custard. It was a trifle bazaar"

"I went to an acting class and a soccer game broke out"

"I went to an open-air cafe yesterday and it rained. Took me two hours to finish my soup"

"I went to buy some bouillon cubes at the store today, but they were all out of stock"

"I went to go shopping for cherries and microphones the other day. Bought a Bing, bought a boom"

"I went to Legoland last week. People were lined up for blocks"

"I went to McDonald's and ordered 2 large fries. They gave me around 75 tiny ones instead"

"I went to school for magicians, but failed the final exam. They were all trick questions"

"I went to school to become a wit -- only got halfway through"

"I went to Starbucks and asked for a medium roast. The barista said I had small ears"

"I went to the Air and Space Museum the other day. There was nothing there!"

"I went to cinema last night and saw a movie about cheese. It was G rated"

"I went to the corner shop -- bought four corners" (joke)

"I went to the doctors and asked what was the best exercise to lose weight..."

"I went to the grocery store. The sign said ‘no food or drink inside.’ So I went home"

"I went to the store to buy chicken broth, but they said they were out of stock"

"I went to the store to get 6 cans of Sprite, but ended up picking 7 Up"

"I went to the worst escape room ever. It's called IKEA"

"I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. A sign read: 'Bread in captivity'"

"I whispered because I didn't want Zuckerberg to hear us. She laughed. I laughed. Siri laughed"

"I will be back on my feet just as soon as the coffee reaches life supporting levels"

"I will be back on my feet once the coffee reaches life supporting levels"

"I will be mailing out W-2s on January 2nd for everyone who was in my business this year"

"I will bring you down to Chinatown!"

"I Will" (Chicago motto)

"(I will gladly pay you Tuesday for) A hamburger today"

"I will never have a welcome mat at my house 'cause I ain't a liar"

"I will never understand some people’s fascination with their ancestry. Isn’t knowing your current family bad enough?"

"I will not be seen, until I have my caffeine"

"I will not wear it on my face. I will not wear it any place..." (anti-mask poem)

"I will not wear someone else's fear" (anti-facemask saying)

"I will start working when my coffee does"

"I will start working when my coffee does"

"I will stop eating ice cream out of the container once I make it completely level"

"I will take you down to Chinatown!"

"I wiped my TV screen with anti-virus wipes. I lost CBS News, ABC News, NBC News, MSNBC, and CNN"

"I wish 7 hours of sleep went as slow as 7 hours of school"

"I wish 8 hours of sleep went as slow as 8 hours of work"

"I wish 8 hours of sleep went as slow as 8 hours of work or school"

"I wish complaining about taxes was tax-deductible"

"I wish Covid-19 had started in Las Vegas. Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas"

"I wish Dollar General sold gas"

"I wish Dollar Tree sold gas"

"I wish drinking green beer wasn't the closest you'll come to eating a vegetable"

"I wish everything was as easy as getting fat"

"I wish Facebook would notify me when someone unfriends me so I could like it"

"I wish Facebook would notify me when someone unfriends me, that way I could go like it"

"I wish Family Dollar sold gas"

"I wish for a world without lawyers" (joke)

"I wish I could be the person I thought I could be when I bought all this produce"

"I wish I could do stand-up comedy, but I always punch up the fuckline"

"I wish I could drop my body off at the gym and pick it back up when it's ready"

"I wish I could speak mandarin. Then I could talk to oranges"

"I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat"

"I wish I was as skinny as I was back when I thought I was fat"

"I wish I was as skinny as when I thought I was fat"

"I wish I was as thin as I actually was, back when I thought I was fat"

"I wish I was as thin as I was when I thought I was fat"

"I wish I was as thin as my patience"

"I wish I was rich" (genie joke)

"I wish I was rich enough to eat out all the time like the homeless do"

"I wish I were as fat as the first time I thought I was fat"

"I wish it would rain -- not for me cuz I've seen it, but for my 7-year-old"

"I wish my bank account refilled as fast as my laundry basket"

"I wish my wallet came with free refills"

"I wish out of sight out of mind applied to bills"

"I wish people randomly offered me weed as often as middle school health classes said they would"

"I wish people were as passionate about regulating their government..."

"I wish the bags under my eyes had money in them"

"I wish the coronavirus had started in Las Vegas. Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas"

"I wish the dollar store sold gas"

"I wish the dollar store would sell gas"

"I wish the government would just ban itself"

"I wish the liquor store had a rewards program"

"I wish there was a chess player named Richard. Everything he does would be a Dick move"

"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence"

"I wish this Sunday coffee had another weekend in it"

"I wish travel therapy was covered by my health insurance"

"I woke up, got out of bed, and had coffee. I think that's enough for one day"

"I woke up this morning and realized I don't have what it takes to sit back and be average"

"I woke up this morning to a robber in my house searching for money. I joined him"

"I woke up this morning to a robber in my house searching for money. I joined him"

"I woke up with a face full of rice. I must have fell asleep as my head hit the pilau"

"I won my first cage fight last night. That parrot didn't know what hit it"

"I won the school punctuation competition. They gave me a posh trophy"

"I wonder how many miles I’ve scrolled with my thumb"

"I wonder how many photographers have died after a big block of cheese fell on them" (joke)

"I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scanned it"

"I wonder how much money I could save if I wasn't a fucking idiot"

"I wonder how much weight I’ve lost." -- Me, after eating one healthy meal

"I wonder if it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands"

"I wonder if Mexicans ever say 'let's go to the White People's Restaurant'"

"I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor, and think 'I'd tap that'"

"I wonder if the Arachnophobia Hotline has a web site"

"I wonder if the arachnophobia support group has a web site"

"I wonder if the guy who coined the term 'One Hit Wonder' came up with any other phrases"

"I wonder if the inventor of paper straws ever considered that they would be in prolonged contact with liquid"

"I wonder if the Mexicans ever say 'let's go to the niggas restaurant'"

"I wonder if there is a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too"

"I wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work"

"I wonder what historians look forward to"

"I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days"

"I wonder what would happen if you put a small insect in some soft French cheese, briefly?"

"I wonder who farts in the packets of ham before sealing them up?"

"I wondered why somebody didn't do something. Then I realized that I am somebody"

"I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, and then it hit me"

"I wonder why there are no women transitioning to men so that they can compete in men's sports"

"I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food"

"I won't go to Macy's any more, more, more" (jump-rope jingle, 1938)

"I work as a living statue. It's a permanent position"

"I work as a waiter and, no, the pay isn’t great, but I put food on the table"

"I work hard all week to put coffee on the table"

"I work hard so my dog can have a better life"

"I work in a paper factory, where my responsibilities are twofold"

"I work to buy coffee. I buy coffee so I can work. It's the circle of life"

"I work to buy coffee. I buy coffee to work. It's the circle of life"

"I work with animals (...) I'm a butcher"

"I worked as a programmer for autocorrect, but they fried me for no raisin"

"I worked in an office on a cul-de-sac. It was a dead end job"

"I worship the quicksand he walks on"

"I would buy an electric car, but they charge too much"

"I would cook dinner, but I can't find the can opener"

"I would definitely watch golf if land mines were involved"

"I would die for shopping. I'm a Walmartyr"

"I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza"

"I would get up early and jog in the morning, but I don't want to be the guy to find dead bodies"

"I would like monkey bars a lot more if they were more like places where monkeys got really drunk"

"I would like monkey bars a lot more if they were more like places where monkeys got really drunk"

"I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended. Please be patient"

"I would like to suggest government-free zones"

"I would lose weight, but I hate losing"

"I would never have believed that a few weeks of uncut hair would weigh 20 pounds"

"I would never hurt an animal. I'm more of a people person"

"I would never invade the United States. There would be a gun behind every blade of grass"

"I would never kill an animal. I'm more of a people person"

"I would never survive camping. I've already eaten all the snacks I packed for the day..."

"I would never try to poison you. Now eat your Pb and Jelly Sandwich"

"I would rather be covered in sweat at the gym than in clothes at the beach"

"I would rather be governed by the first hundred names in the telephone book"

"I would rather choke on greatness than nibble on mediocrity"

"I wouldn't say coffee solves all my problems, but it stops me from creating some new ones"

"I wouldn't say I'm a coffee addict. I prefer the term 'exceptionally caffeine absorbent'"

"I wouldn't start from here" (joke)

"I wouldn't vote for you if you were St. Peter!"/"If I were, you wouldn't be in my district!"

"I would've kept off the grass, but I don't understand sign language"

"I would’ve never imagined my hands would consume more alcohol than my liver"

"I write short fiction. They're 'to-do lists'"

"I write songs about sewing machines. I'm a Singer songwriter"

"If you give a homeless person counterfeit money, they will go to prison and no longer be homeless"

I-95 Primary (Northeast presidential primaries)

"Iamonthemoonandthereisnowheretogetabeer. Thereisnospacebar"

Iatrogenic Government

"Ice Cream" (1995) ("Butter-Pecan Rican" lyric)

Ice Cream Cone

"Ice cream fixes everything. It's the duct tape of foods"

Ice Cream Fruit (cherimoya nickname)

"Ice cream is cheaper than therapy"

"Ice cream is duct tape for the heart"

"Ice cream is duct tape for the soul"

"Ice cream is exquisite. What a pity it isn't illegal"

"Ice cream is just a boneless popsicle"

"Ice cream is like duct tape. It fixes everything"

Ice Cream Sandwich

Ice Cream Soda

"Ice cubes are just domesticated glaciers"

"Ice cubes are just domesticated ice"

"Ice cubes are just domesticated icebergs"

"Ice cubes are just water croutons"

"Ice cubes float around in pools of their own blood"

"Ice cubes float around in their own blood"

"Ice cubes float in a pool of their own blood"

"Ice cubes float in pools of their own blood"

"Ice cubes float in their own blood"

"Ice hockey is a form of disorderly conduct in which the score is kept"

"Ice hockey is technically a water sport"

"Ice hockey players can walk on water"

ICE (Income, Credit and Equity)

"Ice is just a loaf of water"

"Ice is just water with bones"

"Ice pops are just boneless popsicles"

"Ice skating is just walking in cursive"

"Ice water is just water with pulp"

Iceberg Building (IAC Building in Chelsea)

"Iced coffee is cold dirty water"

"Iced coffee is literally cool beans"

"Iced coffee makes me a better person"

"Iced coffee must have been created by a mother who gave up on re-heating her coffee..."

"Iced coffee, on a hot day, can perform miracles"

"'Iced coffee' sounds cool but 'cold coffee' sounds gross"

Iced Tea

Iced Tea

"Icees are just boneless popsicles"

Icehouse (Ice House)

"Icing on the cake"

"Icing sugar is the glitter of baking ingredients"

Icing the Kicker (football strategy)

"I'd be a bum on the street with a tin cup if the markets were always efficient" (Warren Buffett)

"I'd call myself a politician, but then I would just be a liar..."

"I'd demand a recount" (William F. Buckley, Jr., Conservative, if elected mayor in 1965)

"I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk"

"I'd enjoy summer a lot more if someone came by hourly and misted me like produce"

"I'd go to a strip club, but it's always the same old thong and dance"

"I'd like to apologize to anyone I haven't yet offended. Please be patient"

"I'd like to apologize to anyone I've not yet offended. Please be patient"

"I'd like to buy a ham and cheese baguette with pickles."/"Sorry, we only take cash or card."

"I'd like to buy Christmas stamps."/"What denomination?" (joke)

"I'd like to buy Hanukkah stamps."/"What denomination?" (joke)

"I'd like to congratulate drugs for winning the war on drugs"

"I like to do drugs in a Chipotle bathroom. No one questions you if you spend 45 minutes there"

"I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my ass"

"I'd like to thank my parents for making this possible and my children for making it necessary"

"I'd like to think I'm only mean to people who deserve it. Like a vigilante bitch. A bitchilante"

"I’d make a COVID joke, but it would be tasteless"

"I'd make a veggie joke, but no one would carrot all"

"I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are" (poem)

I'd rather be a lamppost in New York than mayor anywhere else

"I'd rather be fishing"

"I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heaven"

"I'd rather be lucky than good"

"I'd rather be someone's shot of whiskey than everyone's cup of tea"

"I'd rather be someone's shot of tequila than everyone's cup of tea"

"I'd rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the one who sold it"

"I'd rather check my Facebook than face my checkbook"

"I'd rather check my Facebook than face my checkbook"

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy"

"I'd rather have a gun in my hand than a cop on the phone"

"I'd rather have a gun in the hand than a cop on the phone"

"I'd rather have four quarters than a hundred pennies"

"I'd rather let someone see me naked than parallel park"

"I'd rather trust my neighbors with more freedom than trust my politicians with more power"

"I'd tell you a chemistry joke, but I know I won't get a reaction"

"I'd tell you an economics joke, but there's not enough demand"

"I'd tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don't want to see you every day"

Idaho: Gem State (nickname)

Idaho: Idaho (state name etymology)

Idaho: Little Ida (nickname)

Idaho: Potato State (nickname)

Idaho Stop

"Ideas are bulletproof" ("You can kill a man, but you cannot kill an idea")

"Ideas pull the trigger, but instinct loads the gun"

IDGAF (I Don't Give Away Food)

"IDGAF I Don't Give Away Frybread"

Idiocracy (idiot + bureaucracy)

"Idioms are not my cup of coffee"

"Idioms are not my cup of tea"

Idiot Board (a teleprompter)

Idiot-Maker Rally

Idiotarod (with shopping carts!)

"If 10% is enough for God, it's enough for the IRS"

"If 2020 was a bath bomb, it would be a fucking toaster"

"If 2020 was a drink, it would be bong water"

"If 2020 was a drink, what would it be?"/"Colonoscopy prep."

"If 40 is the new 30 and 50 is the new 40, why can’t Thursday be the new Friday?"

"If a 100 yd dash champion weds a marathon runner, is it a mixed race marriage?"

"If a 747 can carry the space shuttle, then I call bullshit on overweight luggage fees"

"If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules"

"If a barbecue place has a drive-through, it probably isn't good"

"If a bug won’t bite it, why should you? Go Organic"

"If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign"

"If a cop tells you to put your hands in the air, don't wave them like you just don't care"

"If a cowboy dies and comes back to life, is it called reintarnation?"

"If a crab were employed in a pizza parlor, in which station would it work? A crust station."

"If a dreidel is on the news, wouldn't it be a top story?"

"If a fart can get through underwear and a pair of jeans, how can a mask made of cloth save you?"

"If a hot girl DMs you about crypto, block him"

"If a hot girl messages you about crypto, block him"

"If a hot girl texts you about crypto, block him"

"If a hotel offers bran muffins and prune juice, is that an incontinental breakfast?"

"If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, then what is C for?"/"Plastic explosives."

"If a law is unjust, a man is not only right to disobey it, he is obligated to do so"

"If a leader needs mandates to get people to comply with science..."

"If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up"

"If a man can't curse his friends, whom can he curse?" (Sam Houston)

"If a man has a lock on his phone, has it on silent and always places it face down..."

"If a man is right, he cannot be too radical; if wrong, he cannot be too conservative"

"If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead"

"If a manager at work gets the covid, do the people who kiss that ass need to be tested?"

"If a meme is dank, a man is not only right to steal it, he is obligated to do so.--Alex. Hamilton"

"If a meme is dank, a man is not only right to steal it, he is obligated to do so.-Thomas Jefferson"

"If a morgue worker dies they'd still need to come in to work one more time"

"If a musical takes off enough clothes in summer, it usually runs through winter"

"If a package of bacon isn't resealable, it contains one serving"

"If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?"

"If a person has integrity, nothing else matters"

"If a person wants to be atheistic it's his God-given right to be an atheist"

"If a play is working, keep running it" (sports adage)

"If a politician says you don’t need a gun, you need a gun"

"If a psychologist became a hip hop artist, does it make the music 'shrink rap'?"

"If a Shaolin monk had acne, would he have Chi zits?"

"If a single teacher can't teach all the subjects, how can a single student learn them all?"

"If a supervisor at work gets the covid, do the people who kiss that ass need to be tested?"

"If a surfer gets eaten by a shark, is what they were surfing on a sharkcuterie board?"

"If a sushi restaurant is giving you a discount, don’t take it. You’re getting a raw deal"

"If a tomato is a fruit, then ketchup is a jam"

"If a tomato is a fruit, then pizza sauce is a jam"

"If a tomato is a fruit, then tomato sauce is a jam"

"If a train station is where a train stops, then what's a workstation?" (joke)

"If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears, my illegal logging business is a success"

"If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?"

"If a woman puts me in the friend zone, I immediately borrow money from her"

"If abortion is murder, then are condoms kidnapping?"

"If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure?"

"If actors are having fun, the audience will have fun, too" (theatre adage)

"If advertisers were smart, they’d make a silent, slow-motion commercial"

"If alcohol can damage your short term memory, just think what alcohol can do"

"If alcohol is a crutch, Jack Daniel's is a wheelchair"

"If alcohol is liquid courage, is caffeine liquid anxiety?"

"If alcohol is liquid courage, then coffee is liquid enthusiasm"

"If alcohol is liquid courage, then coffee is liquid optimism"

"If alcohol is liquid courage, then coffee is liquid productivity"

"If alcohol is liquid courage, then coffee must be liquid motivation"

"If all economists were laid end to end, they'd never reach a conclusion"

"If all is not lost, where is it?"

"If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end it would be Sunday afternoon"

"If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end it would be the Fourth of July"

"If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end it would be the Labor Day weekend"

"If all the countries in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?"

"If all the Texas steers were one steer, he would have his front feet in the Gulf of Mexico..."

"If all the toilets in your house are occupied and you are waiting for one to be free..."

"If all you ever do is all you've ever done, then all you'll get is all you ever got"

"If all your troubles are behind you, you must be a school bus driver"

"If America had a slogan, it’d be 'Don’t bother me, I’m eating'"

"If American websites use cookies, do British websites use biscuits?"

"If an argument lasts more than five minutes, both sides are wrong"

"If an avocado is a fruit, is guacamole a smoothie?"

"If an ice cream van breaks down, do they have to put out cones?"

"If an illegal immigrant and a child molester get into a fight, is it Alien vs. Predator?"

"If an illegal immigrant gets into a ?ght with a sex offender, is that Alien vs. Predator?"

"If an illegal immigrant got into a fight with a pedophile, would that make it Alien vs. Predator?"

"If an onion rings, answer it"

"If any non-rich people want to go to space for 10 minutes, I know a pretty good brownie recipe"

"If anybody needs copies of Osteopath Weekly, I have back issues"

"If anybody wants a list of all famous Bugs Bunny quotes, I can send it to you as a WhatsApp doc"

"If anyone ever tries to sell you a transparent car wheel, steer clear"

"If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know"

"If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything please let me know"

"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I'm a size window seat in plane tickets"

"If anyone is shopping for me, I'm a size window seat in plane tickets"

"If anyone needs copies of Osteopath Monthly, I have back issues"

"If anyone tells you your dreams are silly, there's a millionaire who invented the pool noodle"

"If anyone wants to sponsor me, I'm doing a 0.0000005K run to raise awareness for laziness"

"If anything I post offends you, blame your parents for raising a little bitch"

"If anything I post on my page offends you, blame your parents for raising a pussy"

"If anything on the internet offends you, blame your parents for raising a pussy"

"If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?" (joke)

"If artists wear sketchers do linguists wear converse?"

"If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport"

"If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport"

"If astrology isn’t real, then why is every girl born between January and December evil"

"If astrology isn’t real, then why is every man born between January and December evil"

"If astrology isn’t real, then why is every woman born between January and December evil"

"If at first you don't succeed, call dad"

"If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0"

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried"

"If at first you don’t succeed, drink whiskey. You’ll be amazed how little you care"

"If at first you don't succeed, drink whisky. You'll be amazed at how much less you care"

"If at first you don't succeed, pay someone else to do it for you"

"If at first you don't succeed, redefine success"

"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you"

"If at first you don't succeed, try left field" (baseball joke)

"If at first you don't succeed, try management"

"If at first you don't succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant"

"If at first you don't succeed, we have a lot in common"

"If at first you don't succeed, you're running about average"

"If at first you donut succeed, fry, fry again"

"If athletes get athlete's foot, what do candy makers get?"/"Tic Tac toe."

"If authoritarianism is on your side today, trust me, it won't be tomorrow. #history"

"If avocados and tomatoes are fruits, then guacamole is fruit salad"

"If bacon doesn't solve the problem, then more bacon must be added"

"If baklava is still in the oven, it's called bakmagma"

"If beer is liquid courage, then coffee must be liquid motivation"

"If booze is liquid courage, then coffee is liquid initiative"

"If bread goes bad, we throw it away, If bananas go bad, we make bread out of them"

"If by 'camping" you mean my hotel room will face the woods, then yes I'm up for a camping trip!"

"If by 'crunches' you mean Captain Crunch cereal, then yes, I do crunches"

"If by "crunches" you mean the sound bacon makes when you eat it, then yes, I do crunches”

"If by 'crunches' you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes I do crunches”

"If by free spirits you mean an open bar, then yes I love free spirits"

"If by living the American dream you mean paycheck to paycheck then yes I am"

"If 'camping' means my hotel room faces the woods, then yeah, I'll go camping"

"If cannibals start starving, they can always make themselves a snack"

"If cars had an 'I'm sorry' horn, there would probably be a lot less road rage"

"If cats could text you back, they wouldn't"

"If caught sleeping, slowly raise your head from your desk and say, 'In Jesus' name, Amen'"

"If cauliflower can somehow become pizza...then you, my friend, can do anything"

"If cheerleading were any easier, it would be called football"

"If chess turns you on, it's pawnography"

"If coffee can't fix it, it's a serious problem"

"If coffee is my favorite drug, then what is coffee's favorite drug?"/"Pot."

"If Columbus had had an advisory committee he would probably still be at the dock"

"If .com websites use cookies, should .co.uk sites use biscuits?"

"If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into committees. That'll do them in"

"If confusion is the beginning of wisdom, I am totally on the right track"

"If Congress has the right under the Constitution to issue paper money ..."

"If cops can execute you because they 'saw a gun,' you do not have the right to bear arms"

"If coronavirus doesn't take you out, can I?"

"If couples celebrate Valentine's Day, what do single men celebrate?"/"Palm Sunday."

"If COVID-19 doesn’t take you out, can I?"

"If COVID-19 had originated in Sweden, would we be calling it the kronavirus?"

"If defensive backs could catch, they would be wide receivers" (football adage)

"If Drinks Could Talk: Coffee - You can do this! Wine - You don't have to do this!"

"If driven carefully, please report stolen" (bumper sticker)

"If drugs aren't allowed in sports, why is makeup allowed in beauty contests?"

"If dumb were dirt, you would be about an acre"

"If each day is a gift, I'd like to know where to return Mondays"

"If earth is the third planet from the sun, then isn't every country a third world country?"

"If English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for Texas"

"If even the inspector says 'Pass' on a restaurant, why should I try it?"

"If every day is a gift, then today was socks"

"If every offensive series ends with a kick, that's not all bad" (football adage)

"If every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn't have hot dogs"

"If everybody's thinking alike, somebody isn't thinking"

"If everyone goes cashless, how do we tip strippers?"

"If everyone in the world was right-handed, then there would be nobody left"

"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"

"If experience was so important, we'd never have had anyone walk on the moon"

"If farmer A sells apples, farmer B sells bananas, what does farmer C sell?"/"Medicine."

"If figure skating was easy, it would be called hockey"

"If fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?"

"If found drunk or unconscious, please return to anyone but my wife"

"If found drunk or unconscious, please return to anyone but wife"

"If found drunk, please return to wife"

"If found, please return to pub"

"If found, please return to the pub"

"If freedom of speech is taken away, then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to slaughter"

"If Friday had a face, I would kiss it"

"If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does turkey come from?"/"A poul-tree."

"If gay and lesbian people are given civil rights, then everyone will want them"

"If gay marriage is wrong, then why did we have four fathers?"

"If genitals don't define gender, how does removing them affirm it?"

"If Gladstone should fall into the Thames, that would be a misfortune..." (political joke)

"If God didn't want us to eat meat, he wouldn't have invented steak sauce"

"If God dwells inside us, I hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting"

"If God had wanted Texans to ski, He would have given them mountains"

"If God isn't a Longhorn, why is the sunset burnt orange?"

"If God wanted us to bend over, He'd have put diamonds on the floor"

"If God wanted us to fly, he would have given us tickets"

"If government can suspend your rights anytime it deems something a crisis, you don’t have rights"

"If government can't fix potholes, how can it fix the planet?"

"If government is the answer, it was a stupid question"

"If graduation can't be done at a gym or a football field, perhaps grads could walk thru Walmart"

"If avocado is a fruit, is guacamole jam?"

"If guns cause crime, do cameras cause child porn?"

"If guns cause crime, then cameras cause pornography"

"If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson"

"If guns kill people, do pencils misspell words?"

"If guns kill people, how does anyone get out of a gun show alive?"

"If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars drive drunk and spoons make people fat"

"If gymnastics were easy, it would be called football"

"If H2O is hot water, then CO2 is cold water and CH2O is sea water"

"If Halloween’s her favorite holiday, she’s probably mentally unstable"

"If having dogs has taught me anything, it's how to eat cookies VERY quietly"

"If heat rises, why is the North Pole so cold?"

"If heaven had a flavor, it would be coffee"

"If heaven had a flavour, it would be coffee"

"If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross"

"If Hitler’s still alive, I hope he’s out of town with a musical" (Larry Gelbart)

"If homework is to read something, there is no homework"

"If Hooters closes and becomes delivery only, would they have to change their name to Knockers?"

"If I agree, it's free speech. If I disagree, it's hate speech"

"If I ate beans and you ate beans how old would we be?" (riddle)

"If I blocked you on social media and you see me in public, the block still applies in real life"

"If I blocked you on social media and you see me in the streets, the block still applies"

"If I blocked you on social media and you see me in these streets, the block still applies"

"If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death"

"If I can hear you chew, I've fantasized about your death"

If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere

"If I could cure cancer, you'd say that I put doctors out of work" (bad press)

"If I could cure cancer, you'd say that I put doctors out of work" (bad press)

"If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I would want them to be alive"

"If I could sell just one..." ("$30,000 pencil" sales joke)

"If I could walk on water, you'd say that I can't swim" (bad press)

"If I could walk on water, you'd say that I can't swim" (bad press)

"If I die after I pay my rent, sit me on the couch till da 30th"

"If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services"

"If I die right after I pay my rent, sit me on my couch 'til the 31st"

"If I die while lifting weights, add more weights then call 911"

"If I died and went to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn't at work"

"If I donate my urine, is that an act of philanthropee?"

"If I don't find a pot of gold today, I'll settle for a pot of coffee"

"If I drink alcohol, I'm an alcoholic; if I drink Fanta, am I fantastic?"

"If I eat a Dum Dum and a roll of Smarties, will they cancel each other out?"

"If I ever go to prison, I’m gonna change my name to mitochondria -- powerhouse of the cell"

"If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die"

"If I ever need a heart transplant, I want a Republican's heart -- it's never been used" (joke)

"If I ever win the lottery, nobody around me will be poor. I will move to a rich neighborhood"

"If I go missing, put my photo on a wine bottle so my friends will know to look for me"

"If I had $1,000,000, I’d donate a quarter of it to charity. Then I’ll have $999,999.75"

"If I had a dollar for every time I was told I was unattractive, I would be attractive"

"If I had a DeLorean, I'd probably only drive it from time to time"

"If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I've ever had...does money even matter?"

"If I had a dollar for every gender, I'd have two dollars and a lot of counterfeits"

"If I had a dollar for every time I didn’t know what was going on..." (joke)

"If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious, I'd wonder who was paying me and why"

"If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you"

"If I had a dollar for every time socialism worked, I would have $0..."

"If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks..." (joke)

"If I had a dollar for every time someone said I was racist..." (joke)

"If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse..."

"If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I'd have a pun per nickel" (pumpernickel joke)

"If I had a penny for every time I said 'diet starts tomorrow,' I'd afford lipo"

"If I had an hour to solve a problem, I would spend 55 minutes thinking about the problem"

"If I had any self-control, I'd probably eat that, too"

"If I had my life to live over, I'd live over a saloon"

"If I had six hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend the first four of them sharpening my axe"

"If I had some bread, I could make a ham sandwich -- if I had some ham"

"If I had some ham, I could make a ham sandwich -- if I had some bread"

"If I had some ham, I could have ham and eggs -- if I had some eggs"

"If I had super powers, I would only use them for baked goods and never for baked evils"

"If I had to choose between freedom of speech and my gun, I'd choose my gun..."

"If I had to describe myself in three words, I would say, 'Not very good at maths'"

"If I had to stir it, it's homemade"

"If I have to stir it, it's homemade"

"If I heard the Mario coin sound whenever I completed a task, maybe I'd accomplish more"

"If I hid a handgun in a bowl of guacamole, would it be called glockamole?"

"If I knew how to back flip that'd be my response to everything"

"If I knew you were coming, I'd have baked a cake"

"If I offer to do something for you in exchange for calamari, that's known as a squid pro quo"

"If I only wanted one drink, I'd go for communion" (bar sign)

"If I owned a diner I’d have a sandwich called 'The Usual' so everyone would feel special"

"If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent Texas and live in Hell" (Philip Sheridan)

"If I pass out, please note my time"

"If I played there, they'd name a candy bar after me" (Reggie!)

"If I post something you don't like, just ignore it like you ignore corruption in the government"

"If I post something you don't like, just ignore it like you ignore government corruption"

"If I post something you don't like, just ignore it like you ignore the corruption of the government"

"If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel"

"If I put a guitar pick in my pocket, does that make it a pickpocket?"

"If I put the Constitution in my emails, would the government start reading it?

"If I read one more corny Ides of March joke, I'm going to stab my best friend"

"If I say goodnight & an hour later you see me online, it's not that I lied it's just that I failed"

"If I say 'I could eat,' we’ve got about 32 minutes tops before I am flat out a different person"

"If I say 'I’m hungry,' we got about 27 minutes until I’m a different person"

"If I sit in rice, will it fix me?"

"If I spend 100 minutes with Geico, will I get free car insurance?"

"If I spend 100 minutes with Geico, will I get free car insurance?"

"If I stirred it, it's homemade"

"If I stop my car so can walk across the street, I'd better see some hustle out of you. Knees to chest!"

"If I tell you a hen dips snuff, you can look under its wing"

"If I want to see clowns at the Garden, I'll just go to a Knicks game"

"If I wanted advice from someone who chases a ball, I'd ask my dog"

"If I wanted the government in my womb, I'd fuck a Senator"

"If I wanted to bag my own groceries, I would have pursued a career in the Grocery Arts"

"If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn’t be called nachos"

"If I were a judge, I'd change my surname to Mental"

"If I were a trumpet player I would constantly borrow other people's trumpets..." (joke)

"If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas"

"If I'm not home accepting what I can't change, I'm probably out changing what I can't accept"

"If in doubt, do half" (investment adage)

"If insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results -- then what is voting?"

"If it ain't broke, don't fix it"

"If it ain't burnt, momma didn't cook it"

"If it ain't on the page, it ain't on the stage" (theatre adage)

"If it ain't raining, it ain't training" ("If it ain't raining, we ain't training")

"If it bleeds, it leads"

"If it burns, it earns"

"If it burns, you're getting closer" (fitness adage)

"If it came from a plant, eat it; if it was made in a plant, don't"

"If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body"

"If it can't be found in Dallas, it can't be found anywhere in the world"

"If it doesn't apply, let it fly" ("If it don't apply, let it fly")

"If it doesn't bring you income, inspiration or orgasms, it doesn't belong in your life"

"If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you"

"If it doesn't look good, don't put it on your front porch"

"If it doesn't make dollars, it doesn't make sense"

"If it doesn't open, it's not your door"

"If it doesn't say 'Texas,' it's not Texas Roadhouse" (restaurant slogan)

"If it don't apply, let it fly" ("If it doesn't apply, let it fly")

"If it fits in a toaster, I can cook it!"

"If it flies, floats or fucks, it's cheaper to rent it"

"If it gets any hotter, I'll have to take off stuff I really ought to keep on"

"If it goes right, it's a slice. If it goes left, it's a hook" (golf saying)

"If it grows, it will stick you; If it crawls, it will bite you"

"If it grows like a weed, it probably is one" (financial proverb)

"If it grows together, it goes together" (food and wine adage)

"If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it"

"If it involves fireworks, summer nights, barbecues, beer, and freedom, count me in"

"If it is to be, it is up to me"

"If it looks good, it flies good" (aviation adage)

"If it looks like a beer, and tastes like a beer, it must be a beer"

"If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck... Fact checkers say it's a squirrel"

"If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck"

"If it looks like a taco and smells like a fish..." (Fuzzy's Taco Shop in Fort Worth)

"If it looks like piss, smells like piss and tastes like piss -- then it must be Budweiser"

"If it makes dollars, it makes sense" (boxing adage)

"If it moves, it's biology; If it smells, it's chemistry; If it doesn't work, it's physics"

"If it moves, kick it; if it doesn't move, kick it until it does" (soccer adage)

"If it moves, tax it"

"If it succeeds, it leads"

"If it swims, serve Fino; if it flies, serve Amontillado; if it runs, serve Oloroso"

"If it tastes good, spit it out" (diet advice)

"If it wasn't for Edison, we'd be watching television by candlelight"

"If it were a real $20 bill, someone would have picked it off the sidewalk already" (economics joke)

"If it weren't for caffeine, I'd have no personality whatsoever"

"If it weren't for court dates, I wouldn't be dating at all"

"If it weren't for dogs, some people would never go for a walk"

"If it weren't for Spring Forward and Fall Back, I'd never get any exercise at all"

"If it weren't for Spring Forward and Fall Back, I'd never get any exercise at all"

"If it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever"

"If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done"

"If it worked and was safe, you wouldn’t need to mandate, force, deceive or threaten..."

"If it's brown, it's down" (hunting adage)

"If it's far away, it's news. If it's close at home, it's sociology"

"If it's flooded, forget it" (driving on flooded streets)

"If it's free, it's advice; if you pay for it, it's counseling"

"If it's free, it's for me"

"If it's important to you, you'll find a way: if not, you'll find an excuse"

"If it's inevitable, relax and enjoy it" (said of Texas weather)

"If it's low, let it go; if it's high, let if fly" (hitting a knuckleball)

"If it's not Boeing, I'm not going"

"If it's not Valentine's Day and you see a man in a flower shop, ask 'What did you do?'"

"If it's not voluntary, it's tyranny"

"If it's obvious, it's obviously wrong"

"If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid"

"If it’s the elbow, call the surgeon. If it’s the shoulder, call the preacher" (baseball adage)

"If it's too loud, you're too old" (music adage)

"If judging others is a sin, is Santa going to hell?"

"If Kentucky ever gets a soccer team, they should obviously be Kentucky FC"

"If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard"

"If knives and forks are cutlery, spoons are scooplery"

"If Korean pop is KPop, is Chinese rap Crap?

"If Korean Pop is Kpop and Chinese Rap is Crap, then French Art is Fart"

"If laziness was an Olympic sport, I would be fourth so I wouldn't have to step up on the podium"

"If laziness was an Olympic sport, I'd come 4th, so I didn't have to walk up to the podium"

"If laziness was an Olympic sport, I'd probably come in 4th so that I wouldn't need to walk up..."

"If laziness was on the Olympic games, I would rank 4th so I wouldn't have to climb the winners'..."

"If liars' pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun"

"If liberalism worked, you'd still be in California"

"If life gives you gators, make Gatorade"

"If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic"

"If life gives you onions, make onionade"

"If life hands you gators, make Gatorade"

"If life hands you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys/salsa/tomato sauce"

"If life is not smiling at you, give it a good tickling"

"If life isn't smiling at you, tickle it"

"If light travels faster than the speed of sound, how come a car behind me honks before the green?"

"If lightning strikes an orchestra, who is most likely to get hit?"/"The conductor."

"If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?" (Valentine's Day joke)

"If Lunchables exist, why don't Breakfastables and Dinnerables?"

"If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"

"If Manwich changed their recipe, would it be called Tranwich?"

"If maple syrup is tree blood, can vegans and vegetarians eat it?"

"If Mary is the mother of Jesus and Jesus is the Lamb of God..." (joke)

"If mashed apples are applesauce, why aren't mashed potatoes called potatosauce?"

"If mashed apples is apple sauce, then mashed potatoes is potato sauce"

"If the mayo can go bad, it will go bad. Murphy's Slaw"

"If medicine worked, you wouldn't need to refill your prescription"

"If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament"

"If Merry Christmas offends you, then Merry Christmas"

"If Merry Christmas offends you, then Merry Christmas again"

"If Merry Christmas offends you, then Merry fucking Christmas"

"If Monday had a face, I would punch it"

"If Monday were shoes, they'd be Crocs"

"If Mondays were shoes, they'd be Crocs"

"If money can fix a problem, then it really isn't a problem"

"If money can't buy happiness, explain motorcycles and beer"

"If money can't buy happiness, explain pizza"

"If money can't buy happiness, then why do I have to pay for my coffee?"

"If money can't buy love, then why do dating sites charge?"

"If money can't buy you love, then why do dating websites charge?"

"If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?"

"If money is the root of all evil, why do churches beg for it?"

"If money really did grow on trees, everyone's favorite season would be fall"

"If money really did grow on trees, everyone's favorite season would be fall"

"If money talks, then mine must have a speech impediment"

"If money talks, they why do we need bank tellers?"

"If more government is the answer, then it was a really stupid question"

"If Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head are no longer male and female, does this mean no more tater tots?"

"If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere"

"If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn’t want me here, either"

"If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they'd leave that one on, too"

"If my last name was Pepper, you can bet your ass I'd have gone to medical school"

"If NASA really wants to find water on Mars, they should just send me there to hit a golf ball"

"If nature didn't make it, don't take it"

"If nominated I will not accept, and if elected I will not serve"

"If not us, who? If not now, when?"

"If nothing sticks to Teflon, how does Teflon stick to the pan?"

"If number two pencils are so popular, why are they still number two?"

"If one door closes and another door opens, you’re probably in prison"

"If one door closes and another one opens, your house is probably haunted"

"If one teacher can't teach every subject, why does one student have to learn them all?"

"If only closed minds came with closed mouths"

"If only vegetables smelt as good as bacon"

"If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door"

"If oranges could talk, what language would they speak?"/"Mandarin."

"If overthinking situations burned calories, I'd be dead"

"If past history is all there was to the game, the richest people would be librarians"

"If Patrick Henry thought taxation without representation was bad..."

"If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?"

"If people are talking about you behind your back, then just fart"

"If people are trying to bring you down, it only means that you are above them"

"If people aren't laughing at your dreams, your dreams aren't big enough"

"If people cannot be trusted to govern themselves, how can they be trusted to govern other people?"

"If people can't be trusted to govern themselves, how can they be trusted to govern others?"

"If people concentrated on the really important things, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles"

"If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit 'end call,' we would have no friends"

"If people don't appreciate what you bring to the table, let them eat alone"

"If people make you sick, then maybe you should cook them longer"

"If people were influenced by video games, the majority of Facebook users would be farmers by now"

"If pessimism were an Olympic sport, I would still not win it"

"If pigs could fly, imagine how good their wings would taste"

"If 'Plan A' doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters"

"If police are really here to protect us, the entire government would be in prison"

"If the police were here to protect us, the entire government would be arrested"

"If printing money would end poverty, printing diplomas would end stupidity"

"If prisoners took their own mug shots, they would be called 'cellfies'"

"If pro and con are opposites, is Congress the opposite of progress?”

"If pro is the opposite of con, then the opposite of the Constitution is prostitution"

"If procrastination was an Olympic sport, I would participate in the next one"

"If procrastination were an Olympic sport, I'd compete in it later"

"If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?"

"If regular guns are firearms, squirt guns should be called waterarms"

"If roosters can start the day by screaming then damn it, so can I"

"If roosters can start their day by screaming, then so can I"

"If Santa Claus should fail to call, bears may come to Broad & Wall" (Santa Claus Rally)

"If 'sat' is the past tense of the word 'sit', then the past tense of 'fit' should be 'fat'"

"If school isn't a place to sleep, then home isn't a place to study"

"If science was never questioned, you’d still be drinking cocaine..."

"If self driving cars become a huge industry, ice cream trucks will be mobile vending machines"

"If service is below you, leadership is beyond you"

"If service is beneath you, leadership is beyond you"

"If serving is below you, leadership is beyond you"

"If serving is beneath you, leadership is beyond you"

"If sex for money makes you a hoe, does sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganization?"

"If sex is great exercise, then why are there still fat sluts?"

"If sex is the best form of exercise, why is it not readily available in the gym?"

"If 'shat' is the past tense of 'shit', then 'fat' must be the past tense of 'fit'"

"If sheep could vote, they'd pick the guy who feeds them"

"If slaughterhouses had glass walls, everyone would be a vegetarian"

"If sleep is so important, then why does school start so early?"

"If smoking is so bad for you, how come it cures salmon?"

"If snow is made of water and water has no calories, how come snowmen are fat?"

"If socialist college professors believed their own propaganda, wouldn't they teach for free?"

"If someone has a pasta fetish, do they call it fetishinni?"

"If someone is videotaping a person in a mask, is that a masking tape?"

"If someone says that they are short staffed at work, does that mean only midgets work there?"

"If someone steals my identity, I really hope they pay off my debt"

"If someone tells you that you drink too much coffee, stop talking to them"

"If someone throws a stone at you, throw a flower at them -- with the flower pot"

"If someone wants you, nothing will keep them away"

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop" (Stein's Law)

"If something here offends you, please let us know. We can all use a good laugh"

"If something sounds too good to be true, it probably is"

"If speaking kindly to plants helps them grow, imagine what speaking kindly to humans can do"

"If statists can't even fix potholes effectively, how can they promise to fix an entire planet?"

"If steak were a religion, this would be its cathedral" (Smith & Wollensky)

"If stealing 100% of the product of someone's labor is slavery, at what percentage is it not?"

"If steroids aren't allowed in sports, why is makeup allowed in beauty pageants?"

"If stress burned calories, I'd be a supermodel"

"If stress burned calories, I'd be a supermodel"

"If studying history always makes you feel proud and happy, you probably aren’t studying history"

"If stupidity got us into this mess, why can't it get us out?"

"If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales"

"If Target had a bar, I'd probably never leave"

"If Target had a bar, my life would be perfect"

"If taxation wasn’t theft, IRS agents wouldn’t need guns"

"If taxes weren't theft, the IRS wouldn't need guns"

"If tea leaves, does coffee have grounds for divorce?"

"If Tetris has taught me anything, it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear"

"If Texas saw many, many more tornadoes, it would be called "Vortexas'"

"If that were true it would be on the news"

"If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency..."

"If the bar ain't bending, you're just pretending"

"If the broom fits, fly it"

"If the climate were a bank, it would have been saved by now"

"If the cops have no duty to protect you, then the only point of their existence is..."

"If the coronavirus doesn't take you out, can I?"

"If the customers catch a cold, the manufacturers catch pneumonia"

"If the devil can distract you, he can destroy you"

"If the earth is flat, how is it a global conspiracy?"

"If the enemy can't destroy you, he'll distract you"

"If the enemy can't destroy you, he'll try and distract you"

"If the front of your car says 'DODGE', do you really need a horn?"

"If the front of your shirt isn't wet, did you ever really wash the dishes?"

"If the fully vaccinated can get it and spread it, why aren’t they losing their jobs too?"

"If the 'germ theory of disease' were correct, there would be nobody alive to believe it"

"If the 'germ theory of disease' were correct, there'd be no one living to believe it"

"If the germ theory were true, no one would be alive to believe it"

"If the germ theory were true, nobody would be alive to believe it"

"If the good Lord's willin' (and the creeks don't rise)"

"If the government cannot protect the vote, the border or its citizens, then why do we have one?"

"If the government has enough money to send to foreign countries..."

"If the government was created to protect our liberties, why do we have to fight...?"

"If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher"

"If the grocery store has a section for health food, then what is the rest of the store?"

"If the internet had a boat, where would they park it?"/"Google Docs."

"If the menu doesn't have dollar signs by the prices, it's too expensive"

"If the military wanted you to have a family, they'd have issued you one"

"If the news is fake, imagine how bad history is"

"If the ocean was whiskey and i was a duck..."

"If the only job you can get is to teach the same subject you graduated at, it's a pyramid scheme"

"If the penalty for a crime is a fine, then that law only exists for the lower class"

"If the penalty for a crime is a fine, then the law only exists if you are poor"

"If the people lead, the leaders will follow"

"If the plan doesn’t work, change the plan, but never the goal"

"If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?"

"If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?"

"If the recipe sucks, it doesn't matter how good a cook you are"

"If the safety's on, you're good as gone"

"If the Second Amendment only applies to muskets, does the First only apply to printing presses?"

"If the situation were truly hopeless, their propaganda would be truly unnecessary"

"If the sweat ain't flying, you ain't trying"

"If the term 'military grade' impresses you, you've probably never been in the military"

"If the term 'military grade' impresses you, you've probably never been in the military"

"If the tinfoil hat crowd secretly runs everything, would that make them the Aluminati?"

"If the troops defended freedom, they'd attack the government"

"If the troops defended freedom, they'd fight back against the government"

"If the truth makes you uncomfortable, don’t blame the truth. Blame the lie..."

"If the truth offends you, it's most likely because you are deceived"

"If the truth offends you, it's mostly likely that you are deceived"

"If the waitress has dirty ankles, the chili will be good"

"If the wheels aren't turning, you're not earning" (trucking adage)

"If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off"

"If the world didn't suck, we'd all fly into space"

"If the world is getting smaller, why do postal rates keep going up?"

"If (...) then the terrorists win"

"If there are jelly beans, why aren’t there peanut butter beans?"

"If there is a government shutdown who will spy on me, waste my money and have contempt for me?"

"If there is a 'health food' section in a grocery store, what does that make the rest of the food?"

"If there is a question in a headline, the answer is always no" (journalism adage)

"If there is a risk, there must be a choice"

"If there is coconut milk, there is coconut cheese"

"If there is risk, there must be choice"

"If there's a bar where everybody knows your name, you're probably an alcoholic"

"If there’s a vegetable emergency, Kale 911"

"If there's a vegetable emergency, Kale 999"

"If there's anything a public servant hates to do it's something for the public"

"If there's one thing that makes me throw up, it is a dartboard on the ceiling"

"If there's watermelon, shouldn't there be earthmelon, firemelon, and airmelon? The elemelons"

"If these walls could talk"

"If they act like they can live without you, help them do it"

"If they can make penicillin from moldy bread, you can become something"

"If they can't kill you, they will try and kill your credibility"

"If they come for your guns, give ‘em your bullets first"

"If they come for your guns, give them the bullets first"

"If they don't chase you when you walk away, keep walking"

"If they don't have alcohol at my funeral, I'm not going"

"If they don't have liquor at my funeral, I'm not going"

"If they don't have party favors & alcohol at my funeral, I'm not going"

"If they had just called it 'the stay at home challenge' and posted it on social media..."

"If they liked it once, they'll love it twice" (Broadway adage)

"If they really hated us for our freedom, shouldn't it just be a mild dislike by now?"

"If they said on the news we’re running out of air some idiots would be outside with plastic bags"

"If they tell you to bring ice, you can't cook"

"If they tell you to just bring cups, plates and ice for Thanksgiving, your cooking sucks"

"If they told you to bring ice, you can't cook"

"If they’re not serving beer at my funeral, I’m not going"

"If thieves wear sneakers and artists wear sketchers, do linguists wear converse?"

"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee"

"If this nameplate isn't on the back of your car, you probably paid too much" (Potamkin car dealers)

"If this weather gets any more bipolar I’m going to try to date it"

"If this weekend goes as planned, it will not include any actual plans"

"If time heals all wounds, what happens when you get hit in the head with a clock?"

"If time is money, then an ATM is A Time Machine"

"If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?"

"If tuna is chicken of the sea, does that make chicken tuna of the land?"

"If two people are in love nothing is impossible, except deciding where to eat"

"If two vegans have a fight, is it still considered a beef?"

"If two vegans have an argument, is it still called a beef? Or is it a quornfrontation?"

"If two wrongs don't make a right, what do two rights make?"/"An airplane."

"If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy"

"If Valentine's Day is a day for lovers, what day is special for singles?"/"Palm Sunday."

"If vegetables are so good, why do vegans always try to make them taste like meat?"

"If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?"

"If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal"

"If war and infrastructure spending helps the economy, why don't we just bomb our own cities?"

"If wars can be started by lies, then peace can be started by truth"

"If we all just stay home for 2 weeks, we could flatten the gas shortage curve"

"If we all just switched to cursive and stick shift cars, we could cripple a generation"

"If we all stay inside a bit longer, then maybe we can starve mosquitos to extinction"

"If we are to live together, we have to talk"

"If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy"

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?"

"If we become less white who's gonna play that funky music?"

"If we can just get through this month, we only have one more month to go before we need to..."

"If we can't be equally rich, we can at least be equally poor"

"If we can't trust people with freedom, how can we trust them with power?"

"If we continue wearing masks, the next generation will think a mouth is a private part"

"If we divide 123 genders by white supremacy, how much climate change do we have?"

"If we don't have it, you don't need it" (store sign)

"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under"

"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under"

"If we go to prison for downloading music, I hope they separate us by genre"

"If we had some ham, we could have ham and eggs -- if we had some eggs"

"If we lie to Congress, it’s a felony and if Congress lies to us it’s just politics"

"If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That's how we stopped drugs"

"If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?"

"If we start calling it 'potato juice', vodka becomes a health drink, RIGHT??"

"If we were really wrong about them, they wouldn't need to censor us"

"If we’re going to have one way grocery aisles, I’m going to need a passing lane"

"If we're not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?"

"If we're not supposed to eat late-night snacks, why is there a light in the refrigerator?"

"If winning isn't important, why keep score?"

"If women ruled the world, there would be no wars..."

"If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?"

"If work isn’t fun, you’re not playing on the right team"

"If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves"

"If worms carried pistols, birds wouldn’t eat ‘em"

"If you abbreviate in sign language, is it called short hand?"

"If you ain't from Texas, you're a Yankee"

"If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough"

"If you are a gardener, you can always put 'Plant Manager' on your resume"

"If you are a gardener, you can always write 'Plant Manager' on your resume"

"If you are a supervisor at a soup kitchen, does that make you a soupervisor?"

"If you are afraid to speak out against tyranny, you are already a slave"

"If you are going to tell a lie, tell a big one" (the big lie)

"If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country"

"If you are going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance"

"If you are heathy, they lose money"

"If you are more fortunate than others, it’s better to build a longer table than a taller fence"

"If you are not coffee, chocolate, or bacon, I'm going to need you to go away"

"If you are not willing to challenge your own beliefs, then you are your own most effective prison"

"If you are not willing to learn, no one can help you..."

"If you are still confused about gender, try milking a bull. That might kick start your thinking"

"If you are what you eat, do bodybuilders eat mussels?"

"If you are what you eat, do bodybuilders eat mussels?"

"If you are what you eat, how many mushrooms do I have to eat to be a fun guy?"

"If you are what you eat, then my dog is a calculator"

"If you are what you eat, then zombies are humans"

"If you are what you eat, then zombies should be a lot smarter"

"If you are willing to abandon your principles for convenience, or social acceptability..."

"If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm"

"If you aren't making waves, you aren't kicking hard enough"

"If you ask if I've had coffee and I say 'no', just assume this conversation is over"

"If you ask me if I've had my coffee yet, and I say 'no'..."

"If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?"

"If you ate today, thank a farmer"

"If you attack the establishment long enough, they make you a member"

"If you behaved like your government, you'd be arrested"

"If you believe in 12.5% of the Bible you're an eighth theist"

"If you blow on your wine while on zoom people will think your coffee is hot"

"If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock. That’s very humerus"

"If you borrow a bottle of wine, are you drinking a loan?"

"If you bought it, a truck brought it"

"If you break both of your legs, don't come running to me"

"If you break it, you bought it" (Pottery Barn rule)

"If you breakdance, you boughtdance"

"If you breakdance you buy dance"

"If you bump your head on a coffee maker, does it leave a brews?"

"If you burn your baked goods, do they become baked bads?"

"If you buy smartwater for $4 a bottle, it's not working"

"If you call me from a private number, I will respect your privacy and not answer"

"If you can be anything, be caffeinated"

"If you can breathe, you can do yoga"

"If you can count your money, then go back to work"

"If you can count your money, work harder"

"If you can drink a drink, then why can't you food a food?"

"If you can hit, you can play" (baseball adage)

"If you can imagine it, you can achieve it. If you can dream it, you can become it"

"If you can question it, it’s science. If you can’t question it, it’s propaganda"

"If you can read the New York Times without moving your lips, you're a communist"

"If you can read this, I'm faster than you"

"If you can read this, I'm not impressed. Most people can read" (bumper sticker)

"If you can read this, I'm not going fast enough"

"If you can read this, I’m not last!" (runner's T-shirt)

"If you can read this, thank a teacher...and ef yoo kan rid ths yoo prebli ar a teecha"

"If you can read this, thank a teacher; If you're reading this in English, thank a soldier"

"If you can read, you can cook"

"If you can remember Woodstock, you probably weren't there"

"If you can see through the illusion, then you are part of the solution"

"If you can see through the illusion, then you are the solution"

"If you can see through the illusion, you are part of the solution"

"If you can sell. you'll never be unemployed"

"If you can shoot, you can play" (basketball adage)

"If you can 'smell' rain, you country AF"

"If you can 'smell' rain, you country as hell"

"If you can 'smell the rain,' you country as hell"

"If you can smell their fart, you're not far enough apart" (social distancing)

"If you can smile when things go wrong, then you have someone in mind to blame"

"If you can't win, make the fellow ahead of you break the record"

"If you can talk, you can sing" (music adage)

"If you can tell the difference between work and play, you aren't doing one of them right"

"If you can walk, you can dance" (dance adage)

"If you can walk, you can snowshoe"

"If you cannot do great things. do small things in a great way" ("Small things with great love")

"If you cannot find your dog, open the fridge door. He’s standing right behind you"

"If you cannot question it, it’s not science. It’s propaganda"

"If you cannot see the irony in having a gun ban enforced by men with guns..."

"If you can't afford a Dodge, dodge a Ford"

"If you can't be an athlete, be an athletic supporter"

"If you can't be happy, at least you can be drunk"

"If you can't beat 'em, beat 'em up" (hockey adage)

"If you can't bill it, kill it" ("If you can't bill it, it's a hobby")

"If you can't change your mind, then you're not using it"

"If you can't change your mind, you're not using it"

"If you can't convince them, confuse them"

"If you can't dance, don't blame the dance floor"

"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit"

"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets"

"If you can’t drink for three, please leave your place for the professionals" (bar sign)

"If you can't drive to it, don't lend to it"

"If you can’t expose crime in the government, you don’t really have a government. You have a dictatorship..."

"If you can't find it on Fifth Avenue, it probably isn't worth finding"

"If you can't find the key to success, pick the lock"

"If you can't find the sunshine, be the sunshine"

"If you can’t fix it with duct tape or a martini, it ain’t worth fixing"

"If you can't get to a good pitcher early, you might not get him" (baseball adage)

"If you can't handle me when I'm broke, then you don't deserve me when I have 60 bucks"

"If you can't handle me when I'm broke, then you don't deserve me when I have $600"

"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him"

"If you can't innovate, litigate"

"If you can't make both ends meet, make one end a vegetable"

"If you can't open their minds, open their heads"

"If you can't pay cash, you can't afford it"

"If you can't pronounce it, don't buy it" (food labels and purchases)

"If you can't pronounce it, don't eat it"

"If you can't pronounce it, you shouldn't be eating it"

"If you can't remember my name, just say 'donuts'. I'll turn around and look"

"If you can't say anything nice, you haven't had enough coffee"

"If you can't say anything nice, you obviously haven't had your coffee yet"

"If you can't say something nice, become a reporter"

"If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all"

"If you can't see water, don't order fish"

"If you can't sell what you want, you sell what you can"

"If you can't stand behind our troops, stand in front of them"

"If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen"

"If you can't stand watching it be produced, you shouldn't be eating it"

"If you can't stand watching it being produced. you shouldn't be eating it"

"If you can’t stop thinking about it, don’t stop working for it"

"If you can't take their money...and vote against them, you don't belong in the legislature"

"If you can't take their money...and vote against them, you don't belong in the legislature"

"If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!"

"If you can’t tell by now that society is being programmed, you’ve been perfectly programmed"

"If you can't trust people to govern themselves, how can you trust them to govern others?"

"If you can't trust people with freedom, how can you trust people with power?"

"If you are color blind, Twister is a mother fucking free for all"

"If you carve a pumpkin in September, it’s called premature ejackolantern"

"If you catch the coronavirus twice, is it called Dos Equis?"

"If you chum, they will come" (fishing adage)

"If you combine wine and dinner, the new word is winner"

"If you could beat me, I would know you" (chess saying)

"If you could just rehydrate those raisins, that would be grapes"

"If you could reason with a Democrat, there would be no Democrats"

"If you could reason with a Democrat, there wouldn't be any Democrats"

"If you could reason with Democrats, there would be no Democrats"

"If you count your money when it comes out of the ATM machine, you officially don't trust a thing"

"If you count your money when it comes out of the ATM machine, you officially don't trust anything"

"If you count your money when it comes out of the ATM, you have trust issues"

"If you crush up garlic, does it create an allicin wonderland?"

"If you cut a minute steak into 60 pieces then everyone can have seconds"

"If you cut Alaska in half, Texas is the third largest state"

"If you cut off my reproductive choice, can I cut off yours?"

"If you cut off my reproductive rights, can I cut off yours?"

"If you divide 2020 by 5 you get 404, so basically this entire year is an error message"

"If you do not know what you're doing, neither does your enemy. -- Joe Tzu"

"If you do pass the McKinley bill, we shall have to come over to your country and thrash you"

"If you don't believe in random sampling, go to the doctor for a blood test, have him take it all"

"If you don’t drink liquor for breakfast on vacation, please don’t invite me"

"If you don't fight for what you want, don't cry for what you lose"

"If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't come to yours"

"If you don’t have a boob job, you should be able to collect boob unemployment"

"If you don't have a competitive advantage, don't compete"

"If you don't have a valentine on Valentine's Day, don't be sad"

"If you don't have an oil well, get one!" (Eddie Chiles of Western Company)

"If you don’t hear an offensive lineman’s named called, he is doing a good job" (football adage)

"If you don't hit the reader between the eyes in your first sentence, there's no need to write more"

"If you don't hold it, you don't own it"

"If you don't know coins, know your dealer" (coin collecting adage)

"If you don't know jewelry, know your jeweler"

"If you don't know that Americans are being systematically dumbed down, then..."

"If you don't know that the human population is being systematically dumbed down, then..."

"If you don’t know they control both the narrative and the counter narrative, you are not awake"

"If you don't know what 'prefix' means, don't worry -- it's not the end of the word"

"If you don't know who you are, the stock market is an expensive place to find out"

"If you don't leap, you'll never know what it's like to fly" (gymnastics saying)

"If you don’t like being a doormat, then get off the floor"

"If you don't like corporations, you should really hate government"

"If you don’t like gay marriage, blame straight people (for having gay babies)"

"If you don't like gay marriage, don't get one"

"If you don't like my Brooklyn attitude, quit talking to me"

"If you don't like our wings, we'll give you the bird" (Pluckers)

"If you don’t like something I post, just ignore it like you ignore government corruption"

"If you don’t like tacos, I’m nacho type"

"If you don't like the mafia, why don't you join it and change it from the inside?"

"If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own"

"If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!"

"If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes" (weather saying)

"If you don’t like where you are, move! You are not a tree!"

"If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?"

"If you don't pile your cabbage correctly, heads will roll"

"If you don't program your mind, it will be programmed for you"

"If you don't program your mind, your mind will be programmed"

"If you don’t read a newspaper, you’re uninformed; if you do read one, you’re misinformed"

"If you don't realize that the human population is being systematically dumbed down, then..."

"If you don't smell it, we ain't got it" (delicatessen sign)

"If you don't stop lying about me, I'll start telling the truth about you"

"If you don't stop lying, you'll grow up to be a BBC reporter"

"If you don't stop lying, you'll grow up to be a CNN reporter"

"If you don't stop lying, you'll grow up to be a fact checker for Facebook"

"If you don't stop lying, you'll grow up to be a news reporter"

"If you don’t swear while driving, then you’re not paying much attention to the road at all"

"If you don't take care of your customers, someone else will"

"If you don't take money, they can't tell you what to do"

"If you don't think people are under mind control, just look at how they treat anyone who thinks freely..."

"If you don't think that Humanity is under mind control, just look at how they treat and react towards anyone..."

"If you don't understand why the Electoral College exists, you're the reason"

"If you don't use fast food napkins as Kleenex in your car..."

"If you don't vote, don't complain"

"If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt"

"If you drink hot chocolate with a spoon, it's like chocolate soup"

"If you drink hot cocoa with a spoon, it becomes chocolate soup"

"If you drink like a fish, swim -- don't drive"

"If you drink vodka & orange juice from the skull of a guy named Phil -- Philip's head screwdriver"

"If you drive a Subaru in reverse, what are you?"/"U r a bus."

"If you eat an entire cake without cutting it, you technically only had one piece"

"If you eat cake fast enough, your Fitbit will think you're walking"

"If you eat candy corn, I'm just gonna assume you eat crayons and bite candles"

"If you eat candy corn, I'm just gonna assume you eat crayons and candles as well"

"If you eat cookies fast enough, your Fitbit will think you're running"

"If you eat donuts fast enough, your Fitbit will think you're jogging"

"If you eat enough beans, any chair can be musical"

"If you eat enough beans, any chair can be musical"

"If you eat falafel with hummus, you are dipping fried chick peas into blended chick peas"

"If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed"

"If you eat it, you wear it"

"If you eat Lunchables for breakfast, does that make them Breakfastables?"

"If you eat manicotti with your feet, do they become pedicotti?"

"If you eat Nerds and then AirHeads, do they cancel each other out?"

"If you eat some weed, your taste buds taste buds"

"If you eat tacos fast enough, your Fitbit will think you're walking"

"If you eat today, thank a farmer. If it's on your table, thank a trucker"

"If you eat today, thank a farmer. If you eat in peace, thank a veteran"

"If you eat too many Little Debbie cakes, you'll become a Big Deborah"

"If you eat too many salted pretzels on Halloween, what happens the next day?"/"November thirst."

"If you eat too much chorizo you'll end up chorizontal"

"If you eat too much prison chili, you might lose your right to remain silent"

"If you educate a woman, you educate a nation"

"If you even dream of beating me, you’d better wake up and apologize"

"If you forget the rules of chess, don't worry... you're allowed to check"

"If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly because communication is key"

"If you ever have trouble opening a bottle of champagne, hit it with a ship"

"If you ever hear me order decaf coffee, I've been kidnapped and I'm trying to signal you"

"If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics"

"If you ever injected truth into politics you'd have no politics"

"If you ever start to feel too confident, just get out of a bean bag chair in front of people"

"If you ever want to quit drinking, eat Twizzlers. They’re not alcohol, but they’re liquorish"

"If you exercise, you might get a trophy. If you don't, you might get atrophy"

"If you fail your kindergarten coloring book exam, you need a shoulder to crayon"

"If you fear change, leave it here" (tip jar sign)

"If you feel the need to point out that I look tired, the least you could do is buy me a coffee"

"If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere"

"If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly"

"If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck"

"If you find yourself in a fair fight, you've done something wrong"

"If you follow your heart just right, it will get you to New York City"

"If you forgot the wine, go home"

"If you found $5 in every pocket of your coat, what would you have?"/"Someone else's coat."

"If you found $5 in every pocket of your coat, what would you have?"/"Someone else's coat."

"If you fuck up a meal, just call it Chicago style and serve it anyway"

"If you get a loan at a bank, you pay it for 30 years. If you rob a bank, you’re out in 10 years"

"If you get coffee from a coffee shop and don't put it on Instagram, did it really happen?"

"If you get corona virus twice, is it called Dos Equis?"

"If you get heartburn eating birthday cake, try taking the candles off"

"If you get lost in the woods, find a possum and follow it. You’ll be in the middle of the road"

"If you get sick in an airport, it might be terminal illness"

"If you give a weed an inch, it will take a yard"

"If you go far enough to the political left or right you end up in the same place"

"If you Google something and can't find it, there's a 90% chance it doesn't exist"

"If you had fun, you won" (non-competitive sports)

"If you had to choose between eating tacos every day or being skinny..."

"If you hang out in a barbershop long enough, you're going to get a haircut"

"If you hate waking up on Mondays, change your job"

"If you have a donut in each hand, you can't accidentally touch your face or shake hands"

"If you have a message, call Western Union" (theatre adage)

"If you have a threesome, you have the recommended six feet between you"

"If you have a wedding in Paris, does the best man give a French toast?"

"If you have coffee with it, it counts as breakfast"

"If you have ever eaten chocolate money, you have bit coins"

"If you have ever eaten chocolate money, you have bit coins"

"If you have no business in New York, you have no business being in New York"

"If you have one day left to live, let it be at a swim meet because they go on forever"

"If you have to ask if it's too early to drink wine, you're an amateur and we can't be friends"

"If you have to ask, then you probably can't afford it" (J. P. Morgan?)

"If you have to pay a fee to keep your property, you don’t own it"

"If you have to purchase a VIP ticket for an event, you probably aren’t an actual VIP"

"If you have to think about whether a player is a hall of famer -- he isn't"

"If you haven't been fired at least once, you haven't worked in radio"

"If you haven't realized that humanity is being systematically dumbed down, then..."

"If you haven’t seen me in a while, I’m fat now. You don’t have to tell me. Thanks in advance"

"If you hear an onion ring, answer it"

"If you hear that everybody is buying a certain stock, ask who is selling"

"If you heard anything bad about me, believe all that shit and leave me the fuck alone"

"If you hold a crab up to your ear, you can hear what it’s like to be attacked by a crab"

"If you hold a glass of beer to your ear, you can hear the weekend"

"If you hold a glass of wine to your ear, you can hear the weekend"

"If you hold a Margarita glass to your ear, you can hear the weekend"

"If you honk at me, I will cry" (bumper sticker)

"If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?"

"If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will believe that it is stupid"

"If you keep a baseball bat in your car, also keep a glove. Your lawyer will thank you"

"If you keep a beer in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face"

"If you keep a drink in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face"

"If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face"

"If you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face"

"If you keep a sword in one hand and the decapitated head of an enemy in the other..."

"If you kick me when I'm down, you better pray I don't get up"

"If you know beans about chili, you know that chili has no beans" (1976)

"If you know how to cheat, start now"

"If you know someone who is effortlessly happy in the morning, that is a demon. You're friends with a demon"

"If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster"

"If you leave an alcoholic drink for Santa this year, it must be accompanied by a substantial meal"

"If you leave your children a world where you never stood up, they’ll get one where they can’t"

"If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it"

"If you let a grilled cheese get cold, it becomes chilled grease"

"If you let the government break the law because of an 'emergency'..."

"If you let politicians break the law in an emergency, they will create an emergency..."

"If you let social media get to you, I can imagine what real life be doing to your ass"

"If you let social media get to you, I can only imagine what real life does to you"

"If you let them use you as a lab rat, don't be surprised when they put you in a cage"

"If you like pinochle otters..." (The Piña Colada Song mondegreen)

"If you like subpoena coladas, and getting caught in Ukraine"

"If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right"

"If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee"

"If you live in New York, you're Jewish" (Lenny Bruce)

"If you look down, you will fall. If you look up, you will fly"

"If you look good, you play good" (sports adage)

"If you look like your passport photo, you need the trip"

"If you lose a garden gnome, are you gnomeless?"

"If you lose, be patient. If you win, stay humble"

"If you love somebody, let them go. If they come back with coffee, it was meant to be"

"If you love somebody, let them go. If they come back with tacos, it was meant to be"

"If you make 10,000 regulations you destroy all respect for the law"

"If you make a salad dressing but don’t like it, you have vineregret"

"If you make home fries whilst not at home, are they away fries?"

"If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas"

"If you miss the ball, don't miss the leg" (soccer adage)

"If you mix butter and flour, you'll roux the day"

"If you mix garlic with a hallucinogenic, you'd get an Allicin Wonderland"

"If you mix sodium, carbon, hydrogen, oxygen and sulfur together, what do you get? NaCHOS!"

"If you mix Tabasco in hand sanitizer, it will not only kill germs..."

"If you must burn our flag, please wrap yourself in it first"

"If you need a vaccine passport to 'return to normal,' you’re not returning to normal"

"If you need two yards, he'll get you two yards..." (running back joke)

"If you need violence to enforce your ideas, your ideas are worthless"

"If you need violence to protect your ideas, your ideas are worthless to begin with"

"If you needed a reason to unfriend me, I like pineapple on pizza"

"If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun"

"If you only knew how much money was spent to brainwash you, you would realize how special you are"

"If you operate a drill press, you have a boring job"

"If you owe a bank thousands, you have a problem; owe a bank millions, the bank has a problem"

"If you pay for service by the hour, you buy hours and not service"

"If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys"

"If you peel the sticker off a banana & put it on your shirt you get to be the Mayor of Bananatown"

"If you plant corn, you get corn" (proverb)

"If you play great on Friday nights, then you can play on Saturdays" (football adage)

"If you play Yahtzee on a boat, is it spelled Yachtzee?"

"If you pretend I’m wearing a mask, I’ll pretend yours works"

"If you push Continental breakfast tables together, do you get a Pangaea breakfast?"

"If you put a key lime inside a lock lime it reveals the Treasure of Lime Mountain"

"If you put holy water in a humidifier, it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires"

"If you put peanut butter on a rice cake you can throw it farther"

"If you put root beer in a square cup, does it become beer?" (joke)

"If you put too much water in your rice, toss in a few phones to soak it up #lifehacks"

"If you ran like your mouth, you'd be in good shape"

"If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you're taking your grandma to church..."

"If you really want to get off carbs, start referring to 'baked goods' as 'baked bads'"

"If you remember the '60s, you weren't really there"

"If you remove croutons from your salad, are they then called croutoffs?"

"If you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes politics"

"If you say AT&T backwards you sound like a Canadian bomb technician" (joke)

"If you scroll down far enough, we're all on the front page"

"If you see a class being taught by Gandalf, avoid it because YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

"If you see a good move, look for a better one" (chess adage)

"If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you hit him?" (lawyer joke)

"If you see a rabbit laying little brown eggs, don't eat them. It's not chocolate"

"If you see a Swiss banker jumping out of a window, follow him" (Voltaire?)

"If you see a turtle on a fence, he had help getting there"

"If you see me running, call the police"

"If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self employed and having a staff meeting"

"If you see me talking to myself, mind your business. I’m having a parent teacher conference."

"If you see my kids crying outside & picking weeds, just keep on driving. They’re on a field trip"

"If you see my kids locked outside today, mind your business. We are having a fire drill"

"If you see something, say something" (safety slogan)

"If you see something, steal something"

"If you see the play happen, you have missed the picture" (sports photography adage)

"If you see your glass half empty, pour it into a smaller glass"

"If you see your glass half empty, pour it into a smaller glass and stop bitching"

"If you see your glass half empty, pour it into a smaller glass and stop complaining"

"If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for dinner, you're a terrible parent" (joke)

"If you shoot it, you eat it" (hunting adage)

"If you show your papers to attend a Remembrance Day ceremony, you’ve already forgotten"

"If you sin 90 times you’ll only get caught 50% of the time because sin90 = cot45"

"If you sleep with the elephants, you can't cover the circus" (journalism adage)

"If you snooze, you lose"

"If you somehow choke to death on an ice cube, nobody would know how you died"

"If you spill paint on your lawn, you can watch paint dry and grass grow at the same time"

"If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie"

"If you stay at the table long enough, the chips come to you"

"If you stay silent and fail to rock the boat in this war between good and evil..."

"If you steal things from bartenders, you'll end up behind bars"

"If you still look cute at the end of your workout, you didn't train hard enough"

"If you struggle cutting cake, is it still a piece of cake?"

"If you stumble, make it part of the dance"

"If you suck at playing the trumpet, that's probably why"

"If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory"

"If you take a social media sabbatical, don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun..."

"If you take a Twitter sabbatical, don’t announce it. Just make your last tweet something fun..."

"If you take the word 'MILK' and change only four letters, you get 'BEER'"

"If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything"

"If you tell the truth, it becomes part of your past. If you lie, it becomes part of your future"

"If you think a virus is scary, wait until you find out what’s really going on"

"If you think adventure is dangerous, try routine. It’s lethal"

"If you think education is expensive, try ignorance"

"If you think free speech is dangerous, try living where it isn't allowed"

"If you think free speech is dangerous, try living where there isn't any"

"If you think golf is relaxing, you're not playing it right"

"If you think health care is expensive now, wait until it's free"

"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball"

"If you think lawyer jokes are funny -- next time you're in a jam, call a comedian"

"If you think my tweets are ridiculous, you should see my life choices"

"If you think my tweets are ridiculous, you should see some of my life choices"

"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments"

"If you think patience is a virtue, try surfing the net without high speed internet"

"If you think practice is boring, try sitting on the bench"

"If you think shoplifting is bad, you should see what our government is doing"

"If you think some of my tweets are ridiculous, you should see my life choices"

"If you think some of my tweets are ridiculous, you should see some of my life choices"

"If you think the cost of winning is high, just wait until you get the bill for regret"

"If you think the price of sobriety is too high, just wait until you get the bill from regret"

"If you think the price of winning is too high, wait till you get the bill from regret"

"If you think the price of winning is too high, wait until you get the bill from regret"

"If you think the state should punish harmless behavior because it MIGHT lead to harmful behavior"

"If you think things are bad now, wait until the people who wanted to be left alone get involved

"If you think this is bad. you should see what our government is up to"

"If you think this is bad, you should see what the government is doing"

"If you think vegans are easily offended, tell a meat eater you made wings out of cauliflower"

"If you think you can, you can" (Mary Kay Ash?)

"If you think your microwave and your TV spying on you is bad..." (joke)

"If you think your microwave spying on you is bad, your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt"

"If you think you're going to hit into a double play, strike out"

"If you think you've got nothing to be thankful for...check your pulse"

"If you thought you hated homework as a child, trust me, you'll hate it more as a parent"

"If you throw your hands in the air like you just don't care make sure you put your coffee cup down"

"If you took all the fools out of the Lege, it wouldn't be a representative body"

"If you took all the fraud out of politics, there might not be a lot left"

"If you torture the data long enough, it will confess"

"If you truly want to follow the science, then follow the silenced"

"If you trust the government, I don't trust you"

"If you trust your government, then your history teacher didn't do their job"

"If you trust your government, your history teacher didn't do a good job"

"If you trust your government, your history teacher didn't do his job"

"If you try, you risk failure. If you don’t, you ensure it"

"If you unfriend me and later send another friend request, there will be a $29.99 reconnection fee"

"If you use a stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing..."

"If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will just eat cereal. It's science"

"If you walk a mile in my shoes, you'll end up at the bar"

"If you walk a mile in my shoes, you’ll end up in a wine bar"

"If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog"

"If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily"

"If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen"

"If you want higher taxes, you ain't Robin Hood. You're the Sheriff"

"If you want higher taxes, you're not Robin Hood. You're Prince John"

"If you want it bad, you will get it bad"

"If you want less success, tax it. If you want more poverty, fund it"

"If you want more of something, you subsidize it. If you want less of something, you tax it"

"If you want snow, schedule a downhill race" (skiing adage)

"If you want something in the paper, that's advertising; you want something kept out, that's news"

"If you want the traffic light to turn green, look for something in your glovebox"

"If you want to achieve greatness, stop asking for permission"

"If you want to be a hero, join the fire department" (police saying)

"If you want to build a crowd, start a fight"

"If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Married, you can’t change channels"

"If you want to come in second...follow me!" (running aphorism)

"If you want to find the culprits, follow the money. To find the truth, follow the censored"

"If you want to fly with the eagles, don't swim with the ducks"

"If you want to follow the science, follow the silenced"

"If you want to get ahead, get a hat"

"If you want to get laid, go to college; if you want an education, go to the library"

"If you want to go fast, go alone; if you want to go far, go together"

"If you want to have rabbit stew, first catch the rabbit"

"If you want to hide something, put it in writing"

"If you want to impress me with your car, it better be a food truck"

"If you want to impress me with your car, it better be a taco truck"

"If you want to impress me with your truck, it better be a taco truck"

"If you want to keep dangerous weapons out of the hands of the mentally ill, don't elect them"

"If you want to know how old you really feel, stop drinking coffee and taking ibuprofen..."

"If you want to know how well the medical industry understands health, look at the food they serve"

"If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at some of the people he gives it to"

"If you want to know who your tribe is, speak your truth and see who sticks around. Those are yours"

"If you want to look sophisticated at a restaurant, ask the waiter for a william instead of a bill"

"If you want to lose weight, just fall in love with the wrong person"

"If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans" ("Man plans, God laughs")

"If you want to make memories, add some tequila"

"If you want to make memories, add tequila"

"If you want to make some memories, add some tequila"

"If you want to make some memories, add tequila"

"If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map"

"If you want to sell it, crumb it"

"If you want to set up a company and run it then that's your business"

"If you want to start a company and run it yourself then that’s your business"

"If you want to succeed, double your rate of failure"

"If you want to take my freedom, make damn sure you’re as passionate about taking it..."

"If you want to take my freedom, make sure you’re as passionate about taking it..."

"If you want to take my freedoms, make damn sure you're as passionate about taking them..."

"If you want to thank a soldier, be the kind of American worth fighting for"

"If you want to thank our military, be the kind of American worth fighting for"

"If you want to thank our veterans, be the type of American worth fighting for"

"If you want to understand how to fix a problem in the world, you have to ask who is profiting..."

"If you want your dreams to come true, don't oversleep"

"If you want your water to taste better, just add coffee"

"If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?" (joke)

"If you watch TV, you are in the middle of a deadly pandemic. If you don't, it's Wednesday"

"If you water water, it grows"

"If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?"

"If you wear jeans 5 days in a row, they become all baggy and it looks like you’re losing weight"

"If you were a fruit, you'd be a fineapple"

"If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cutecumber"

"If you were a vegetable, you'd be a rudeabaga"

"If you were able to believe in Santa Claus for 8 years, you can believe in yourself for 5 minutes"

"If you were anti-pencil, would you be erasist?"

"If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, he would be your fed ex"

"If you were my husband, I'd poison your coffee" (Nancy Astor to Churchill?)

"If you win a year's worth of calendars, do you only win one calendar?"

"If you win, be humble. If you lose, be gracious"

"If you win the morning, you win the day" (radio adage)

"If you wish to grow thinner, diminish your dinner"

"If you work at a cemetery, every shift is a graveyard shift"

"If you would be pungent, be brief"

"If you wrote a screenplay about coffee, would it be a JavaScript?"

"If you wrote a screenplay about coffee, would it be a JavaScript?"

"If your boat turns upside down, you can wear it on your head. It's capsized"

"If your boss refuses to pay you more money, no problem. Just accuse them of raise-ism"

"If your coffee order requires more than four words, you're part of the problem"

"If your coffeeshop has one of those passive aggressive 'no wifi pretend it's the old days' signs.."

"If your couch isn’t against a wall, you are unimaginably rich"

"If your country can afford to give money away to other countries, then you pay too much in taxes"

"If your crush gets Covid, propose to her. She might say yes due to lack of taste"

"If your crystal meth dealer has all of their teeth, they're the cops"

"If your crystal meth dealer has all of their teeth, they're the police"

"If your dog is fat, you're not getting enough exercise"

"If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee, you have to take the spoon out of the cup"

"If your food can go bad, it's good for you. If it can't go bad, it's bad for you"

"If your food can go bad, it's good for you. If it can't, it's probably not"

"If your food can go bad, it's good for you. If your food can't go bad, it's not good for you"

"If your front door has a mail slot, then you live in a mailbox"

"If your guns have ugly tattoos, I revoke your right to bare arms"

"If your hands don't look like you just delivered a baby after eating wings...not enough hot sauce"

"If your idea of helping others first requires taking someone’s property..."

"If your mother says she loves you, check it out"

"If your name is on the building, you're rich"

"If your only goal is to become rich, you will never achieve it"

"If your outgo exceeds your income, then your upkeep will be your downfall"

"If your personal choices have a victim, it is no longer a personal choice"

"If your phone battery lasts all day, it's because nobody likes you"

"If your problem can't be fixed by coffee, sex, money or booze, you're kinda fucked"

"If your problem can't be fixed by coffee, tequila or foreplay, then I'm out of advice"

"If your problem can't be fixed by coffee, tequila or sex, then I'm out of advice"

"If your ship doesn’t come in, swim out to it"

"If your Sunday doesn't involve wine and yoga pants, you're doing it wrong"

"If your Sunday doesn't involve wine and yoga pants, you're doing it wrong"

"If your voice held no power, they wouldn't try to silence you"

"If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way"

"If you're afraid to speak out against tyranny, you're already a slave"

"If you're allergic to bananas, do you go into bananaphylactic shock?"

"If you're always organizing things, you have OCD. If you're always eating things, you have OBCD"

"If you're always straightening things, you have OCD. If you're always eating things, you have OBCD"

"If you're American in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom?"/"European."

"If you're asleep to the truth, you'll drown in the lies"

"If you're bored in New York, it's your own fault"

"If you're confused about gender, try milking a bull. That just might kick start your thinking"

"If you're confused about gender, try milking a bull. You'll learn real quick"

"If you're down by the schoolyard, stay away from Rosie. She's the Queen of Corona"

"If you're drinking to forget, please pay in advance"

"If you're drunk at noon, you're either living very well, or very poorly"

"If you're even, he's leavin'" (speed can't be caught)

"If you’re ever being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead"

"If ever you're feeling sad, just go for a run..." (joke)

"If you're ever feeling useless, remember that bags of ice have nutritional information"

"If you're explaining, you're losing"

"If you're going to be salty, bring the tequila"

"If you're going to fight, fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp to Noah's Ark"

"If you're going to panic, panic early" (Wall Street proverb)

"If you're going to ride my ass, at least pull my hair" (bumper sticker)

"If you're going to shoot the king, don't miss"

"If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you" (theatre adage)

"If you're gonna burst through the door unannounced, waving a German sausage, knockwurst!"

"If you're gonna hit my car, make sure you kill me" (bumper sticker)

"If you're good enough, you're old enough" (sports adage)

"If you're having a bad day, an important thing to remember is that no one cares"

"If you're having second thoughts, you're two ahead of most people"

"If you're having trouble understanding fractions, don't worry, our helpline is open 24/7"

"If you're here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue"

"If you're homeschooled, all your work is homework"

"If you're in a cold room, stand in the corner. It's 90 degrees"

"If you're in a fair fight, you didn't plan it properly"

"If you're in need of a job, you could try Search and Rescue. They're always looking for people"

"If you’re injured, you don’t play; if you play, you’re not injured"

"If you're interested in both red and green curries, does that make you bicurryous?"

"If you're looking for a husband, Tinder is the place to be! All kinds of husbands are on there..."

"If you're looking for a sign that you should have a glass of wine, this is it"

"If you're looking for morals in politics, you're looking for bananas in the cheese department"

"If you're looking, you're not cooking" ("If you're lookin', you ain't cookin'")

"If you're lucky enough to be Irish, you're lucky enough"

"If you're not a liberal at 20 you have no heart, if not a conservative at 40 you have no brain"

"If you're not angry/confused/mad/outraged, you're not paying attention"

"If you're not at the New Yorker, you're not in New York" (New Yorker hotel)

"If you're not at the table, you're on the menu"

"If you're not catching flak, you're not over the target"

"If you're not cheating, you're not trying" (sports adage)

"If you're not dripping with sweat at the gym, you ain't doing it right"

"If you're not fighting for the things you care about, you're losing"

"If you’re not in my circle of trust, you’re in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt"

"If you're not in the room, then you're not at the table"

"If you're not on a government watchlist by now, you should be ashamed of yourself"

"If you're not paying for it, you are the product"

"If you’re not satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain on the internet"

"If you're not subversive, you're not relevant"

"If you're not supposed to drink WD-40, why does it come with a straw?"

"If you're not sweating at the gym, you ain't doing it right"

"If you're not the lead dog, the view never changes"

"If you're offered a seat on a rocket ship, don't ask what seat. Just get on"

"If you’re on a Boeing flight, it’s not cringe anymore to clap when the plane lands"

"If you're on death row, request Olive Garden's 'Never Ending Pasta Bowl' as a last meal"

"If you're paying $3 for a bottle of smart water, it isn't working"

"If you’re planning to drink tonight, please remember to wander around your house responsibly"

"If you're planning to teach your children the value of a dollar, you'd better hurry up"

"If you're running to create electricity, then really you're making elLEGtricity"

"If you’re sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day, remember nobody loves you on any other day"

"If you're sick above the shoulders, run; below the shoulders, don't run" (running adage)

"If you're so smart, why aren't you rich?"

"If you're still confused about gender, try milking a bull and you'll learn real quick"

"If you’re the smartest person in the room, you’re in the wrong room"

"If you're thirsty, you're already dehydrated"

"If you're trying to ban books, you're probably not the good guys"

"If you’re trying to cut carbs, use a knife"

"If you're trying to impress me with your vehicle, it better be a food truck"

"If you're trying to impress me with your vehicle, it better be a taco truck"

"If you’re ugly but have pretty eyes, this is your chance!" (face mask requirement)

"If you’re ugly but have pretty eyes, this is your time to shine!" (face mask requirement)

"If you're ugly with pretty eyes, this is your moment!" (face mask requirement)

"If you're waiting for a sign that you should have a glass of wine, this is it"

"If you're white, it's all right"

"If youth is wasted on the young, then wealth is wasted on the old"

"If you've ever wondered whether you would have complied during 1930s Germany, now you know"

"If you’ve gained weight and nobody wants to mention it, you are the elephant in the room"

"If you've got it, haunt it"

"If you've heard one bagpipe song, you've heard them both"

"If you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person"

"If you've never missed a plane, you've spent too much time in airports"

"If you've seen one bear attack, you've seen a maul"

"If you've seen one chamber of commerce, you've seen one chamber of commerce"

"If you've survived after hitting rock bottom, hardly anything can scare you"

"If you bring me coffee without having to ask, then I love you"

Iggy (iguana sculpture on the Lone Star Café)

Iggy (iguana sculpture at the Fort Worth Zoo)

"Ignorance is the single greatest tool of oppression"

"I used to run a pizza restaurant called Calzone, but it folded"

"If a homeless person makes something it's not homemade"

"If you're looking for a sign to drink tonight, this is it"

IINO (Independent In Name Only)

"It's the silence between the notes that makes the music"

IITYWIMWYBMAD ("If I tell you what it means will you buy me a drink?")

"I just hope both teams are having fun"

"IKEA is Swedish for divorce"

"IKEA: Legos for adults"

"I'll be back on my feet once the coffee reaches life supporting levels"

"I'll be here all week. Try the veal." (stand-up comedian joke)

"I’ll be home for Christmas. Been here all year anyway. #2020"

"I'll be Irish in a few beers"

"I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one"

"I’ll change my Facebook username to NOBODY..." (joke)

"I'll control my guns. You control your kids"

"I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trig, I’ll do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line"

"I'll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly"

"(I'll give you my gun when you take it) From my cold, dead hands"

"I'll have a café mocha vodka Valium latte to go, please"

"'I'll have a hot dog,' Tom said frankly"

"I’ll have a rum and coke" (joke)

"I'll have burnt toast and cold coffee" (restaurant customer joke)

"I'll have the chef's salad."/"That's so rude. Just order your own!"

"I'll have the mouse, please."/"That's mousse, sir."

"I'll have what she's having!"

"I'll hug your elephant if you kiss my ass" (Republican-Democrat bipartisanship)

"I’ll never be able to run for President because of what I did for a Klondike Bar"

"I'll never be able to run for President because of what I did for a Klondike Bar"

"I’ll never forget where I was when I heard that JFK was shot. Eighth grade history class"

"I'll never understand people who get in the fast lane just to drive the speed limit"

"I’ll sell my broken watch when the time is right"

"I'll sign anything except bad legislation" (Kinky Friedman)

"I'll slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you"

"I'll take a coffee with my sunshine"

"I'll take a Corona, hold the virus" (bar request)

"I'll take coffee with my sunshine"

"I'll take the lobster home to dinner" (joke)

"I’ll tell you a coronavirus joke now, but you’ll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it"

"Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian."

Illuminutty (Illuminati + nutty)

"I'm 1776% sure you're not taking my AR-15"

"I'm a baker for the army. When I go to war, I go in all buns glazing"

"I'm a better person when I'm tan and holding a margarita"

"I'm a big fan of air circulation"

"I'm a bodybuilding mime. Some people say I'm the strong, silent type"

"I'm a chemical engineer. I convert beer and wine into urine"

"I'm a collector of empty bottles. That sounds better than alcoholic"

"I'm a complex woman with many moods -- and they all require coffee"

"I'm a complex woman with many moods -- and they all require chocolate"

"I'm a crepe. I'm a weirdough. What the hell am I doughing here? I donut belong here"

"I'm a dollarbetic because I don't feel good when my money low"

"I'm a good housekeeper; every time I get a divorce, I keep the house"

"I'm a graduate, so a thermometer is not the only thing that has degrees without brains"

"I'm a lawyer." / "Honest?" / "No, the regular kind."

"I'm a lawyer. I'm here to defend your ass, not kiss it"

"I'm a lawyer. I'm here to protect your ass, not kiss it"

"I'm a lawyer. It's my job to defend your ass, not kiss it"

"I'm a light eater; when it gets light, I start eating"

"I'm a magician. I can make my paycheck disappear"

"I'm a millennial, so my retirement plan is societal collapse"

"I'm a magician who steals candy bars. You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve"

"I'm a nurse. I'm here to save your ass, not kiss it"

"I'm a Ph.D. -- Pizza Hut Deliveryman"

"I'm a Ph.D. -- Pizza Hut Deliveryman"

"I’m a politician." / "Honest?" / "No, the regular kind."

"I'm a second-hand vegetarian. Cows eat grass. I eat cows"

"I'm a social drinker. Every time someone says 'I'll have a drink,' I say 'Social I'"

"I'm a social vegan. I avoid meet"

"I'm a socialist drinker" (joke)

"I'm a time traveler. I travel in time at the rate of one second per second"

"I'm a trust fund baby. My parents trust me to fund myself"

"I'm a trust fund baby. My parents trusted me to go fund myself"

"I'm a vegetarian not because I love animals, but because I hate plants"

"I'm a wine enthusiast. The more wine I drink, the more enthusiastic I become"

"I'm a woman. I have needs. Pass me the wine"

"I'm a woman of many moods and they all require chocolate"

"I'm a writer. Anything you say or do may be used in a story"

"I'm a writer. If I seem cold, it's because I'm surrounded by drafts"

"I'm about to have a cup of dangerous coffee. Safe tea first though"

"I'm about to have my favorite alcoholic drink. It's called A Lot"

"I'm actually extremely grateful for all those who put their pronouns in their bio..."

"I'm addicted to seaweed. I must seek kelp"

"I'm adding 'showed up for work during the apocalypse' to my résumé"

"I'm aging like a fine banana"

"I’m all out of tequila, but there’s no reason you can’t still lick, suck and swallow"

"I'm allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I break out in handcuffs"

"I'm allergic to food. I break out in fat"

"I'm allergic to green onions. Every time I eat them, I break out in chives"

"I'm allergic to rice. I'm basmatic"

"I'm allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm"

"I'm already against the next war"

"I’m allergic to writing about fencing, so I’ll have to use my épée pen"

"I'm always DTE (Down To Eat)"

"I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the Juneflower"

"I'm always losing things at work...my glasses, my keys, my will to live..."

"I’m an amateur crastinator, but I’m hoping to go pro eventually"

"I'm an amateur crastinator. Someday I'll turn pro"

"I'm an artist for the government. I draw unemployment"

"I'm an artist. I draw unemployment"

"I'm an atheist 11 months out of the year, but in December I'm eggnogstic"

"I'm an English major. You do the math"

"I’m anti-work but pro-paycheck so you see my dilemma"

"I'm aspirin' to be a chemist"

"I'm aspirin' to be a doctor"

"I'm aspirin' to be a nurse"

"I’m aspirin' to be a pharmacist"

"I’m assuming Greek yogurt is just regular yogurt but with way more hair"

"I’m at the age that not finding parking for an event is enough to make me go home"

"I'm at the airport and a man just collapsed on the luggage carousel. He's coming around slowly"

"I'm at the grocery store, lost in the eggs aisle"

"I'm awake. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time"

"I'm awake! Please respect my privacy during this very difficult time"

"I'm beginning to think that foreign aid is just code for money laundering"

"I’m beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen"

"I'm being fisted by the invisible hand"

"I'm being held momentarily by the train dispatcher" (joke)

"I'm bringing out a new version of the Band Aid song, 'Duvet Know It's Christmas?' It's a cover!"

"I'm broke and I have a college degree to prove it"

"I'm calling in sick because of an eye problem. I can't see myself coming in to work"

"I’m celebrating President’s Day by making a bunch of promises I have no plan on keeping"

"I'm combining Easter and April Fools' Day. I'm sending the kids to look for eggs I haven't hidden"

"I'm considering becoming a mind reader. What are your thoughts?"

"I'm considering becoming a mind reader. What do you think?"

"I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications"

"I'm convinced that the employees of IKEA were just used to be customers"

"I’m convinced that leaning forward while playing video games substantially improves performance"

"I'm crazy about the Big Apple"

"I'm crazy about the Big Apple" (1976 ad campaign)

"I'm crazy? I want a second opinion!"/"You're ugly, too."

"I’m deeply disturbed by how many people seem to see washing their hands as a new thing"

"I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts: Leave me the fu cologne"

"I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts: Leave me the fuck cologne"

"I'm directing a cowboy film called The Sun. It's set in the west"

"I'm doing my best to remove the word 'chocolate' from my vocadbury"

"I’m done being a people pleaser, if everyone’s OK with that"

"I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red"

"I'm drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is"

"I'm drinking vodka and prune juice. I call it a pile driver"

"I'm eating just in case I get hungry in the future"

"I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days"

"I'm excited that the phrase 'get the fuck away from me' is no longer rude but a PSA"

"I'm fat because I'm full of experiences. And most of those experiences took place at restaurants"

"I'm fat, but I identify as skinny. I'm translender"

"I'm fat, but I identify as skinny. I'm trans-slender"

"I'm fat, but I identify as slim. I'm translender"

"I'm fat, but I identify as slim. I'm trans-slender"

"I'm filthy, stinking rich. Well, two out of three ain't bad"

"I'm from a town where a traffic jam is 6 cars behind a tractor"

"I'm from New York. We don't keep calm"

"I’m from New York, where people say 'you’re welcome' to remind you to say 'thank you'"

"I'm from Texas. What country are you from?"

"I'm from the government and I'm here to help you"

"I'm getting pancakes with a side of pancakes"

"I’m getting way too comfortable looking this ugly all the time"

"I'm giving up alcohol for a month" (joke)

"I'm giving up Cadbury's chocolates for Lindt"

"I'm giving up cheap chocolate for Lindt"

"I'm giving up chocolate for Lindt"

"I'm giving up drinking for Lent and giving up Lent for St. Patrick's Day"

"I'm giving up Hershey's chocolates for Lindt"

"I'm giving up spelling and chocolate for Lindt"

"I'm glad cold season is over so allergy season can finally begin"

"I'm glad cold season is over so allergy season can finally start"

"I'm glad 'feta' isn't the plural of 'fetus.' If it were, I might have to stop eating Greek salads"

"I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my food. I don’t even know where sandwiches live"

"I'm glad I learned about parallelograms in high school instead of how to do my taxes"

"I'm glad it's not snowing. I would hate to shovel snow in this heat"

"I'm going bananas...is what I say to my bananas before leaving the house"

"I'm going off the grid" (said when not taking a phone to the bathroom)

"I’m going through a lot right now. I can't seem to find a parking spot"

"I'm going to a notable restaurant tonight. I'm excited, but I don't know where I'll put my plate"

"I'm going to attack you with the neck of a guitar."/"Is that a fret?"

"I'm going to be real pissed if I get my shit together and the world ends"

"I'm going to change my Facebook name to Benefits" (joke)

"I'm going to have a quesadilla."/"Really, a whole case of them?"

"I'm going to hire the same landscaper I used last year. He was easy to get a lawn with"

"I’m going to need some privacy while I parallel park"

"I'm going to open a Vietnamese soup/Southern barbeque restaurant and call it Ph? Que"

"I'm going to start collecting highlighters. Mark my words!"

"I'm going to stay up on New Year's Eve this year. Not to see the new year in..."

"I'm going to the strip club. The chicken strip club. I mean Chick-Fil-A"

"I'm going to unlike this page. Right after I post about unliking this page..."

"I'm going to start a ride service for seniors and call it OldsMobile"

"I'm gonna be a Social Justice Warrior for Halloween" (joke)

"I'm gonna run for president & kill other candidates by natural disaster. I'll win by a landslide"

"I'm good at everything except modesty"

"I'm grateful to whoever saw beans fried once and said, 'This isn't enough'"

"I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once"

"I'm half Irish and half Jewish, so I'm drinking if you're buying"

"I'm having a quarantine party this weekend! None of you are invited"

"I'm having a vision problem today. I can't see myself doing much"

"I'm having an out-of-money experience"

"I'm having fruit salad for dinner..." (wine joke)

"I'm having people over to stare at their phones later if you want to come by"

"I'm having trouble organizing a Hide and Seek league. Good players are hard to find"

"I’m here experiencing life at a rate of several WTFs per hour"

"I'm holding a cup of coffee. So yeah, I'm pretty busy right now"

"I'm hungry."/"Hi hungry. I'm Dad."

"I'm in a bad place right now. Not emotionally. I'm just at work"

"I'm in a bad place right now. Not mentally. I just live in New Jersey"

"I'm in a bad place right now. Not mentally. I just live in the United States"

"I'm in a bad place right now. Not mentally. I'm just at work"

"I'm in a bad place right now. Not mentally. Just New York"

"I'm in a band called Dyslexia. We've just released our greatest shit album"

"I'm in a good place right now. Not emotionally. I'm just at the bottle shop"

"I'm in a good place right now. Not emotionally. I'm just at the liquor store"

"I'm in a pirate-themed band. We can't stop writing hooks"

"I'm in so much debt, I could start a government"

"I'm in so much debt, I could start a government"

"I'm into auto-cannibalism. People say I'm full of myself"

"I'm joining the war on drugs. I'm on the drugs' side"

"I'm joining the war on drugs. I'm on the side of drugs"

"I'm joining the war on drugs on the side of drugs"

"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut"

"I'm just a girl, standing 6 feet away from a boy. Asking him to maybe move back another foot"

"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be 3 tacos and 2 margaritas"

"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a Tuesday, asking it to be a Friday"

"I'm just a man, a man struggling to open a plastic vegetable bag at the grocery store"

"I'm just going to pour myself a bottle of wine and call it a day"

"'I'm just gonna get gas in the morning" is one of the worst decisions you can make as an adult"

"I'm just here for the beer"

"I'm just here to post shit I find funny. If that offends you, just know I find that shit funny too"

"I'm just here to tweet shit that I find funny. Please know if I offend you, I find that shit funny"

"I’m just one step away from being filthy rich. All I need now is money"

"I’m just sitting here drinking coffee and making plans for world domination"

"I'm just waiting to see if my coffee chooses to use its power for good or evil today"

"I'm just waiting to see if my coffee chooses to use its powers for good or evil today"

"I'm just waiting to see if my coffee uses its power for good or evil today"

"I'm just waiting to see if my coffee uses its powers for good or evil today"

"I'm just working here until a good fast food job opens up"

"I'm kind of like the total package that got really fucked up through shipping & handling"

"I'm kinda like the total package that got fucked up through shipping and handling"

"I’m late for work because I got drunk last night and set my calculator for $5.30"

"I'm launching a brass instrument sex fetish site soon. I call it HornPub"

"I'm leaving Facebook! But first I'm going to post that I'm leaving Facebook"

"I'm leaving office to spend more time with my family" (political scandal excuse)

"I'm LEAVING this group! But first I’m gonna POST about leaving this group" (Facebook joke)

"I'm Leaving Twitter! But first I'm gonna TWEET about leaving Twitter!"

"'I'm leaving Twitter' is the new 'I'm moving to Canada'"

"I'm like horse manure in a rodeo (i.e., everywhere)" (Liz Smith)

"I'm looking for a girl who loves me for my money, but isn't good at math"

"I'm looking for a tall, dark, rich cup of coffee"

"I'm looking for a woman who loves me for my money, but isn't good at math"

"I'm looking for someone who loves me for my money, but isn't good at math"

"I'm majoring in pre-rich"

"I’m more confused than a chameleon in a bag of Skittles"

"I’m moving from the Milky Way to the Soymilky Way galaxy. I’m galactose intolerant"

"I'm nice, but I'm not 'let more than one car merge' nice"

"I'm nice, but I'm not 'let more than one person merge in front of me' nice"

"I'm no good at hunting mushrooms, but I can provide morel support"

"I'm no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I'm changing the things I cannot accept"

"I'm no scientist, but has anyone tried killing the rona with the bowling alley shoe spray yet?"

"I'm not a big fan of archery. It has too many drawbacks"

"I'm not a competitive person... I'll be the first to admit it"

"I’m not a competitive person. I’m always the first to admit it"

"I'm not a conspiracy theorist. I'm a 'things aren't adding up and it's pretty obvious' theorist"

"I'm not a conspiracy theorist. You're a fucking idiot"

"I'm not a genius. I'm just a tremendous bundle of experience"

"I'm not a hot mess. I'm a spicy disaster"

"I'm not a member of any organized political party -- I'm a Democrat"

"I'm not a procrastinator. I'm just extremely productive at unimportant things"

"I'm not a procrastinator. I just prefer doing all my work in a deadline-induced panic"

"I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are"

"I'm not a wine snob. I'm just an awesommelier" (awesome + sommelier)

"I'm not a wino, I'm a 'why-yes'"

"I'm not a wiNO. I'm a wineYES!"

"I'm not above calling in sick from the parking lot"

"I'm not above using obscure Mexican battles to justify my drinking" (Cinco de Mayo joke)

"I'm not addicted to coffee, we're just in a committed relationship"

"I’m not adding this year 2020 to my age. I didn’t use it"

"I’m not adding this year to my age. I didn’t use it"

"I’m not afraid to die...I’m afraid to live on my knees in a world run by lesser men..."

"I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings; I'm a drunk, we go to parties"

"I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a bartender who works from home"

"I'm not anti-system. The system is anti-me"

"I'm not as think as you drunk I am"

"I'm not bossy. I'm the teacher"

"I'm not broke. I'm pre-rich"

"I'm not buying a 2021 planner until I see a trailer"

"I'm not challenging your authority. I'm denying it completely"

"I'm not cheap. I'm frugal"

"I'm not chubby. I'm insulated. And winter's coming. So I'm prepared"

"I'm not confused -- I'm only well-mixed"

"I’m not a conspiracy theorist. I’m a bullshit analyzer"

"I'm not drinking anymore (but I'm not drinking any less, either)"

"I'm not drunk, I'm patriotic"

"I'm not drunk. Just avoiding potholes" (bumper sticker)

"I'm not far right. I'm just right so far"

"I'm not fat enough for this level of cold weather"

"I'm not fat -- I just have good marbling"

"I'm not fat -- I'm cultivating mass"

"I'm not fat -- I'm flooded" (human body is 80% water)

"I'm not fat -- I'm fluffy"

"I'm not fat -- I'm insulated"

"I'm not fat. I'm just a few meals ahead and a few shits behind"

"I'm not fat -- I'm just big boned"

"I'm not fat -- I'm just easy to see"

"I'm not fat -- I'm just so sexy, it overflows"

"I'm not fat -- I'm just well-marbled"

"I'm not fat, I'm translender"

"I'm not fat, I'm trans-slender"

"I'm not fat -- I'm well-insulated"

"I'm not fat -- just short for my weight"

"I'm not fat -- my stomach is just in 3D"

"I'm not feeling very worky today"

"I'm not gaining weight -- I'm retaining food"

"I'm not going outside until temperature is above my age"

"I'm not going outside until the temperature is above my age"

"I'm not good at push ups, pull ups, or sit ups. I'm pretty good at fuck ups though"

"I'm not homophobic. I'm not afraid of my house!"

"I'm not hungry. But, I am bored. Therefore, I shall eat"

"I'm not Irish, but my coffee is"

"I'm not Irish, but my coffee might be"

"I'm not lazy. I'm on energy saving mode"

"I'm not much on seizing the day. I just kinda poke it with a stick"

"I'm not much on seizing the day. I just kinda poke it with a stick"

"I'm not only the Hair Club president, I'm also a client" (Hair Club for Men)

"I'm not overweight -- I'm undertall"

"I'm not particularly bad at cooking, but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster?"

"I'm not poor. I'm pre-rich"

"I'm not racist. I hate white liberals more than anybody"

"I'm not really a social drinker. I'd say most of my drinking is work-related"

"I'm not really a social drinker. I'd say most of my drinking is work-related"

"I'm not really interested in tobogganing, but I would probably do it if pushed"

"I'm not running away from hard work. I'm too lazy to run"

"I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present."/"You're the lawyer."/"Where's my present?"

"I’m not saying I don’t like you, but I would unplug your life support to make a pot of coffee"

"I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine, but I do believe my body will keep moving after death"

"I'm not saying I drink too much coffee, but I do believe my body will keep moving after death"

"I'm not saying I'm a bad cook, but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster?"

"I'm not saying I'm old...but when I was in school we made our parents ashtrays for Christmas"

"I'm not saying that my wife orders a lot from Amazon, I'm just saying..."

"I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines, but my right arm just told me..." (joke)

"I'm not slow. I'm just getting my money's worth from the entry fee"

"I'm not strange. I'm dramatically different"

"I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash..."

"I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them"

"I'm not sure how people get eaten by sharks. I mean, how do you not hear the music?"

"I’m not sure if I’m hungry, but I’m gonna eat anyway, just in case"

"I'm not sure sure if it's the thyme or the plaice" (joke)

"I'm not the manager because I'm always right, but I'm always right because I'm the manager"

"I’m not too good at push ups or sit ups, but fuck ups? Let me tell you"

"I'm not unemployed -- I'm a consultant"

"I'm not unemployed, I'm NSFW"

"I'm not voting Democrat or Republican. I do not negotiate with terrorists"

"I'm not voting. I don't negotiate with terrorists"

"I'm not yawning. I'm doing face yoga"

"I’m offended by bills, can we cancel them!? Isn’t that how it works now?"

"'I'm offended' is the debate equivalent of flipping over the board game when you start losing"

"I'm old enough to remember when emojis were called 'hieroglyphics'"

"I'm on a light diet. I eat by daylight, I eat by moonlight, and sometimes, I eat by fridge light"

"I'm on a light diet. I eat in the daylight, moonlight, and sometime at night by my night light"

"I'm on a diet. Actually, I'm on 2 diets. I couldn't get enough to eat on the first one"

"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already!"

"I'm on cloud wine"

"I'm on my way to work... PLEASE KILL ME"

"I'm on the Han Solo diet: I'm only eating one Carb'a'Night!"

"I’m on the third cheat year of my diet"

"I'm on two diets. I don't get enough to eat on just one"

"I'm only a morning person on December 25th"

"I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand"

"I'm only speeding because I really have to poop" (bumper sticker)

"I'm only taking friend requests from cats"

"I'm only taking friend requests from dogs"

"I'm outdoorsy. I drink my wine on the patio"

"I'm outdoorsy. I drink my wine on the porch"

"I'm outdoorsy. I drink wine on my patio"

"I'm outdoorsy. I drink wine on the patio"

"I'm outdoorsy. I drink wine on the porch"

"I'm outdoorsy. I like having coffee on the patio"

"I'm outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios"

"I'm overpaying him, but he's worth it"

"I'm planning on being spontaneous sometime next week"

"I'm planning on having my favorite drink this weekend. It's called a lot"

"I'm pretty certain if I had any self-control today, I'd probably eat that, too"

"I'm pretty sure I like food more than people"

"I’m pretty sure it’s easier to leave most street gangs than it is to cancel a gym membership"

"I'm pretty sure there isn't life on other planets. If there was, we would have sent them billions of dollars in foreign aid by now"

"I’m proud of my job as a podium salesman. It’s a product I can stand behind"

"I'm proud to pay taxes; I could be just as proud for half the money"

"I'm putting my grades up for adoption because I can't raise them myself"

"I'm quitting to pursue my dream of not working here"

"I'm ready for the rest of this week! I have my umbrella, my flip flops, my mittens..."

"I’m ready for the week! I got my umbrella, my flip flops, turtle neck, my suntan lotion..."

"I'm ready for the weekend, but it's only Tuesday"

"I'm ready to stop complaining about winter and start complaining about summer"

"I'm really getting into the Thanksgiving spirit. I've already given the bird to lots of people"

"I'm really glad they made the Children's Aid Society" (Children's Aid Society jingle)

"I'm really into crossfit. I cross my fingers and hope my ass fits in those jeans"

"I’m really into writing short fiction, mainly to-do lists"

"I'm really pleased with my vegetable patch. Haven't wanted a vegetable in weeks"

"I'm really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I'm really glad you can see 92 miles..."

"I'm really upset because I got my doctor's test results. Turns out I'm not gonna be a doctor"

"I'm respectfully devoting the day after St. Patrick's Day to eating Lucky Charms in my underwear"

"I'm respectfully devoting the day to eating Lucky Charms in my underwear" (St. Patrick's Day)

"I'm retired. Every day is Saturday"

"I'm retired. I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today"

"I'm rubber and you're glue. She's tape. He's a stapler. All my friends are office supplies"

"I'm running in a 0.0000005K run to raise awareness for laziness"

"I'm running on coffee and bad decisions"

"I'm running out of unproductive things to do at work"

"I am scared of non-alcoholic lager. It must be a faux beer"

"I'm seeing way too many plus size vegans... ARE Y'ALL FRYING THE LETTUCE?"

"I'm selling my theremin… I haven’t touched it in years"

"I'm sick of all these Irish stereotypes. As soon as I finish this drink, I'm punching someone"

"I'm sick of vegans interrogating me about my eating habits. It's like the spinach inquisition!"

"I’m single AF and the AF stands for And Fat. I’m just single and fat"

"I'm so addicted to coffee, I don't sweat. I percolate"

"I'm so bad at chess the only way I'll get to say 'checkmate' is at an Australian restaurant"

"I'm so bad at chess the only way I'll get to say 'checkmate' is at an Australian restaurant"

"I’m so broke, I can only afford Bottom Ramen"

"I'm so broke, I gotta fart to get a cent in my pocket"

"I'm so broke, I have to fart to have a cent in my pocket!"

"I'm so broke, I have to fart to have a scent in my pocket"

"I'm so broke, the bank asked for their calendar back"

"I'm so glad I was taught how to play the recorder at school...." (joke)

"I'm so good Santa came twice"

"I'm so happy I don't drive. Especially with all this car owner virus going around"

"I'm so hungry I could eat a horse and chase the rider"

"I'm so old, I can remember playing solitaire with an actual deck of cards"

"I’m so old I can remember when the only fake news was the National Enquirer"

"I'm so old I remember when there were white people on tv commercials"

"I'm so old, I remember when vodka only came in vodka flavor"

"I'm so poor I can't afford to pay attention"

"I'm so poor my only funds are daylight savings"

"I'm so single when they ask for an emergency contact, I've just been putting Jesus"

"I’m so strong I can lift a house! Well, only if it’s a lighthouse"

"I’m so strong I can lift buildings! Well, only if it’s a lighthouse"

"I'm so tempted to do a musical joke. But I'll refrain"

"I’m so unfamiliar with my gym that I have started calling it Mr. James"

"I'm sorry, but you can't *always* be experiencing a higher volume of calls than average..."

"I'm sorry for the things I said when it was winter"

"I'm sorry for what I said when I was hungry"

"I'm speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I'm going"

"I'm starting a company recycling discarded chewing gum. I just need help getting it off the ground"

"I’m starting to miss people I don’t even like" (2019-20 coronavirus lockdown)

"I’m starting to think governance by pedophiles and sexual predators/deviants covertly controlled..."

"I'm starvin' like Marvin" (Starvin' Marvin)

"I'm staying home today. I have mood poisoning"

"I’m still single on Star Wars Day. Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places"

"I'm still tired from yesterday's tired"

"I'm still tired from yesterday's tired. Today isn't looking so good, and I've already used up..."

"I'm still working in the antique shop. Nothing new there"

"I’m stuck between 'I need to save money' & 'You only live once'"

"I'm such an expert on palmistry, I've written a handbook"

"I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice -- I don't know if I'm coming or going"

"I'm the sole provider for my family. They can buy the rest of the shoes themselves..."

"I'm the straw that stirs the drink" (Reggie Jackson)

"I'm thinking about joining the cicadas this summer & screaming constantly"

"I'm thinking about pursuing a job as a crowd estimator. I wonder how many are in that field"

"I'm thinking about running a marathon again" (joke)

"I’m throwing a wine and cheese party tonight. Only for myself. And without the cheese"

"I'm too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener"

"I'm too embarrassed to go to my kindergarten reunion. I've put on, like, 130 pounds since then"

"I’m traveling to Greenwich tomorrow. I’m not sure what to do in the Mean Time"

"I'm trying to get into the Christmas spirit, but the damn bottle won't open!"

"I'm trying to kick dairy and now I've got the milk shakes"

"I’m trying to teach my self cleaning oven how to do the rest of the house"

"I'm using food in my magic act, crushing garlic, basil and pine nuts, then...pesto!"

"I'm very good friends with the other members of my time travelling club. We go back years"

"I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I've got twelve fridges"

"I'm walking on a treadmill. I named it Sunshine. I'm walking on Sunshine"

"I’m well-prepared for a cashless society. Having kids already has me there"

"I'm willing to die for my rights. Are you willing to die trying to take them from me?"

"I'm willing to die protecting my 2nd amendment rights. Are you willing to die trying to take them?"

"I'm willing to die protecting my rights. Are you willing to die trying to take them from me?"

"I’m writing a book about drinking beer. I’m currently on my 4th draft"

"I'm with stupid"

"I’m wondering... What should I wear to the couch tonight?" (quarantine joke)

"I'm wondering why brain cells die, skin cells die, your hair follicles die, but fat cells..."

"I'm working on a fitness routine for insects. It's OK, but I'm still trying to work out the bugs"

"I'm working on my résumé. Should I use 'mad skillz' or would 'mad skills' be more formal?"

"I'm writing a book about hurricanes and tornadoes. It’s only a draft at the moment"

"Imagine a virus so dangerous that you have to be tested to know if you have it"

"Imagine a virus so deadly that it doesn't infect those who don't give a shit"

"Imagine a virus so deadly that you have to be tested to know if you have it"

"Imagine a war in which the majority of one side didn't know they were at war..."

"Imagine an atheist stuck at a green light behind a car with a 'Honk if you love Jesus' sticker"

"Imagine being drunk as a vegan you gotta come home and eat some celery sticks"

"Imagine being on the wrong side of history while it repeats itself. Like failing an open-book test"

"Imagine having your own apartment and nobody ever comes over"

"Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight. There would be mass confusion"

"Imagine if you will a war in which the majority of one side didn’t know they were at war..."

"Imagine life without beer... Now slap yourself and never do it again"

"Imagine life without wine... Now slap yourself and never do it again!"

"Imagine taking orders from liars, thieves, pedophiles, psychopaths and mass murderers..."

"Imagine taking orders from pedophiles, psychopaths and mass murderers..."

"Imagine the audience naked" (theatre saying)

"Imagine the phone company canceling your service because they didn’t like..."

"Imagine thinking genitalia doesn't indicate gender... then suggesting to cut off genitalia to 'change' gender"

"Imagine with all your mind. Believe with all your heart. Achieve with all your might"

"Imitation crab meat is the hot dog of the sea"

"Imitation crab meat is the string cheese of the sea"

"Imitation is the sincerest form of crab meat"

"Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat"

"Imitation is the sincerest form of television"

"Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery"

Immoral Robbery Service (Internal Revenue Service or IRS nickname)

Impact Festival

Impeach-mint (political flavor)

"Imperfect action is better than perfect inaction"

Imperial Chicken

Imperial Congress

Imposing Misery and Famine (International Monetary Fund or IMF nickname)

IMPOTUS (Impeached President Of The United States)

IMPOTUS (impotent + POTUS)

Impregnable Quadrilateral (golf's four major events)

"Improvement begins with 'I'"

"Improvise, adapt and overcome" (Marine Corps motto)

"In 1775, they tried to take our guns. We shot them"

"In 20 years, this country will be run by people home schooled by day drinkers"

"In a bear market, money returns to its rightful owners" (Wall Street proverb)

"In a city of eight million sundials, nobody has any idea how long a minute is"

"In a democracy, your vote counts; in feudalism, your count votes"

"In a dog-eat-dog market, get yourself a big dog"

"In a financial crisis, all correlations go to one"

"In a relationship with food"

"In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act"

"In a world of propaganda, the truth is always a conspiracy"

"In a zombie apocalypse, vegans will be the first to be eaten because they're organic"

"In alcohol's defense, I've done some pretty dumb stuff while sober, too"

"In America, dogs are k-9s. But in China, dogs are e-10"

"In America, they call it lobbying. Everywhere else in the world, they call it bribery & corruption"

"In America, you can always find a party. In Russia, the party always finds you"

"In an abusive relationship with the cost of living"

In-and-Out List

"In beer's defense, I've done some pretty dumb stuff while sober, too"

"In boring classes, I always improve my drawing skills"

"In boxing, you fight over a belt and a purse"

"In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack" (joke)

"In Case of Fire: Exit building before posting on Facebook"

"In Case of Fire: Please leave the building before posting it on social media" (sign)

"In college, I double-majored in accounting and dentistry" (joke)

"In conclusion, there are ten letters"

"In confusion there is profit"

"In court, your fate is in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to escape jury duty"

"In Crust We Trust"

"In dog beers, I've only had one"

"In economics, two people can win a Nobel Prize for saying the opposite thing"

"In England, 'booster shot' is spelled 'borchestershire shot'"

"In every language, we all know what time McDonald’s stops serving breakfast"

"In February, your daily rent is more expensive than in all other months"

"In Florida we salt margaritas, not sidewalks"

"In for a dime, in for a dollar"

"In France, they applaud meringue, but in Australia, they boo meringue"

"In God we trust. All others must bring data"

"In God we trust (all others pay cash)"

"In God we trust. All others we polygraph"

"In God we trust and all the guns are just backup"

"In God we trust. Guns are just backup"

"In God we trust. My guns are just backup"

"In God we trust. The guns are just backup"

"In grade school it's called bullying, but when you get older it's called upper level management"

"In Hitler's defence, he did kill Hitler"

"In Hitler's defense, he did kill Hitler"

"In hockey, goaltending is 75 percent of the game -- unless it's bad goaltending"

"In honor of tax season, for an extra $50, the hookers in Times Square will handle your extension"

"In honor of the winter solstice I also will be cold, distant & filled with darkness"

"In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness"

"In Iowa, they pick corn; in New Hampshire, they pick presidents"

"In journalism, the pay might be low and the hours long, but at least everyone hates you"

"In life, the only thing you ever have to do is die. Everything else is a choice"

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate"

"In life, you are either a passenger or a pilot. It's your choice"

"In light of plummeting oil prices, Exxon Mobil plans to lay off several members of Congress"

"In light of the collapsing economy, JPMorgan plans to lay off several members of Congress"

"In Massachusetts, booster shot is spelled borcester shot"

"In matters of principle, stand like a rock; in matters of taste, swim with the current"

"In moments of doubt, trust your gut, hug your dog, and eat a donut"

"In most cases, cell phones won't crack when you drop them"

"In my day, the only time we started panic buying was when the barman shouted 'last call'"

"In my defense, I was left unsupervised"

"In my defense, the moon was full and I was left unsupervised"

"In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right"

"In my family we don't hide crazy -- we have a barbeque, give it a beer and wait for the show"

"In my family we don't hide crazy -- we have a bbq, give it a beer and wait for the show to start"

"In my family we don't hide the crazy. We give it a beer and wait for the show to start"

"In high school, our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was..."

"In my physics exam today a question asked 'What's the unit of power?' I answered 'Correct'"

"In my spare time, I help blind children" (joke)

"In New York, it's not whether you win or lose — it's how you lay the blame"

In New York they ask, how much is he worth?

"In New York, you can have a great job, a great apartment and a great companion, but not all three"

"In order to be effective, truth must penetrate like an arrow -- and that is likely to hurt"

"In order to get glasses, you have to fail a test that they give you the answers to"

"In our house it really should be called a cooking detector"

"In Pagan cultures, during a plague, the ruler could be sacrificed to the gods"

"In Pagan times, during a plague, the ruler could be sacrificed to the gods"

"In pizza we crust"

"In politics, few talents are as richly rewarded as the ability to convince parasites that they are victims"

"In politics, good gets better and bad gets worse"

"In politics, nothing happens by accident. If it happens you can bet it was planned that way."

"In politics, your enemies can't hurt you, but your friends will kill you"

"In queso emergency, go to your nearest TexMex restaurant"

"In queso emergency, go to your nearest TexMex restaurant"

"In queso emergency, I pray to Cheesus"

"In queso emergency, I pray to Cheesus"

"In response to the murder hornets, police are using the SWAT team to set up a sting operation"

"In retrospect, it was a mistake not being a billionaire before heading into this pandemic"

"In Russia, they call it Nyetflix" (nyet + Netflix)

"In Scandinavia, they call it the Kronavirus"

"In school, kids are grouped by date of manufacture"

"In tequila’s defense, I’ve done some pretty dumb stuff while completely sober, too"

"In terms of money, I have no money"

"In terms of money, we have no money"

"In Texas, all yoga is hot yoga"

"In Texas, 'hot yoga' is just called 'yoga'"

"In Texas, the shade is just diet sun"

"In Texas, the shortest distance between two points is likely under construction"

"In Texas we salt margaritas, not sidewalks"

"In the ballpark" ("In the ball park," also "In the same ballpark," "In the right ballpark")

"In the beginning, a patriot is a scarce man, hated, feared and scorned"

"In the binary system, we count on our fists instead of on our fingers"

"In the business world, everyone is paid in two coins: cash and experience"

"In the business world, the rearview mirror is always clearer than the windshield"

"In the circle of life you can find happiness in every corner"

"In the first place God made idiots; this was for practice, then he made politicians"

"In the ghetto, do they put hood ornaments on their Christmas trees?"

"In the government’s eye, no lives matter. Let that sink in while you all act like a bunch of idiots against each other"

"In the mix like Chex"

"In the money"

"In the playoffs, your best players have to be your best players"

"In the pool, life is cool, swimmers rule"

"In the pursuit of excellence, there is no finish line"

"In the recipe of life, doubt makes an excellent ingredient, but a lousy meal"

"In the red" (loss) & "In the black" (profit); Red Ink & Black Ink

"In the restaurant: 'Would you like a table?' 'No, a lamp for 5 please.'"

"In the soup"

"In the South, shade is just diet sun"

"In the spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of baseball"

"In the stock market, there's a fine line between being wrong and being early"

"In the two party system, the after party is the one you want to attend"

"In the US, we have a candy holiday, followed by a pie holiday, next a cookies and candy holiday..."

"In the weeds"

"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is."

"In this kitchen we dance"

"In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these"

"In victory, you deserve champagne; in defeat, you need it"

"In Vino Veritas, In Cervesio Felicitas" ("In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is joy")

"In war, there are no unwounded soldiers"

"In war you can only be killed once, but in politics many times"

"In Washington, the scandal isn't what's illegal; the scandal is what's legal"

"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?" (Polish joke)

"In what key does the ghost play piano?"/"In the spoo-key."

"In wine there is wisdom; in beer there is freedom; in water there is bacteria"

Incandescent District (Broadway)

"Inch by inch, it's a cinch; yard by yard, it's hard; mile by mile, it's a trial"

INCH (I'm Never Coming Home) Bag

Income Reduction Service (Internal Revenue Service or IRS nickname)

"Income tax has been defined as the fine we pay for reckless thriving"

"Income tax is the fine you pay for thriving so fast"

"Income Tax: The fine you pay for the crime of being productive and useful"

"Income tax: the fine you pay for not being quite the person your ancestor was"

"Income Tax: The fine you pay for thriving too fast"

"Income taxes are the fine one pays for the crime of being useful and productive"

"Incompetence is a double-edged banana"

"Incongruous: Where bills are passed"

Incontinental Breakfast (incontinent + continental breakfast)

Incorrect Promise (euphemism for "lie")

"Indecision is the key to flexibility"

"Independence Day -- celebrating the country by blowing up a small part of it"

"Indescribably delicious"

Indeslicesive (indecisive + slice)

"Indian food has entered the chaat"

"Indian food has entered the chat"

"Indian restaurants are naan profit businesses while Vietnamese restaurants are pho profit"

"Indian yogurt sauce has entered the chat"

Indiana: Hoosier Hoopla (basketball)

Indiana: Hoosier Hysteria (basketball)

Indiana: "If the kitchen's in the house and Diana's in the kitchen, what's in Diana?"

Indiana: Indiana Insanity (basketball)

Indiana: Midwest Madness (basketball)

Indianappleis & "Move over New York. Apple is our middle name" (Indianapolis, Indiana)

"Indict a ham sandwich"

"Indie music is just yodeling, but in cursive"

Indigestive Biscuit

"Individual liberty is the greater good"

"Induction stoves imply the existence of deduction stoves"

Industrial Business Zone (IBZ)

Ineptocracy (inept + democracy)

"Inequality is as dear to the American heart as liberty itself"

Infernal Revenue Service (Internal Revenue Service or IRS nickname)

Infinity Apple (GreeNYC symbol, 2007)

"Inflation: Because the easiest way to steal your wealth is by cheapening your money"

Inflation Eve (balloon-inflating for Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade)

"Inflation is just spicy theft"

"Inflation is spicy theft"

"Inflation is legalized robbery"

"Inflation is robbery"

"Inflation is theft. Taxation is robbery"

"Inflation is when you find that your nest egg won't even make an omelet"

"Inflation is when you pay $10 for the $5 haircut you used to get for $2 when you had hair"

Inflationista

"Influence is like a savings account. The less you use it, the more you've got"

Info Babe or Infobabe (woman in television news broadcasting)

Infodemic (information + epidemic)

"Information is power, but like all power, there are those who want to keep it for themselves"

"Information is the most precious commodity on Wall Street"

InfoWarts (InfoWars + warts)

InfoWhores (InfoWars + whores)

"Ingredients for Life" & "Your Remarkable Store" (Randalls slogans)

Inner Circle

"Innocent until proven guilty has become sick until proven healthy"

"Innovate or die"

"Insane fact: the sun is approximately 8 CVS receipts from earth"

"Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result"

"Insanity is taking the same vaccine over and over again, and expecting to be protected"

"Insect protein is a locust alternative to meat"

"Insert coffee to begin"

Inside Baseball

"Inside every sportswriter is a frustrated athlete"

"Insisting on rights without acknowledging responsibilities isn’t freedom, it’s adolescence"

"Insomnia -- the art of falling asleep just as your alarm goes off to start the day"

"Inspiration does exist, but it must find you working"

Inspiration of Washington Square (nickname of model Audrey Munson)

Instagirl (Instagram + girl)

Instagirl (Instagram + girl)

"Instagram crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket"

"Instagram is down. Just describe your lunch to me"

"Instagram is down. Just describe your lunch to me"

"Instagram is just scrapbooking for millennials"

"Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside"

"Instagram is like a fridge..."

"Instagram is Twitter for people who can't read"

"Instagram would've been a great name for a cocaine delivery service"

"Installing windows is a pane in the glass"

"Instant asshole -- just add alcohol" ("Instant jackass -- just add alcohol")

Instant Classic

"Instant coffee is just dirty water"

"Instant human -- just add coffee"

"Instead of a condom, I carry a moist towelette in my wallet. I run into chicken wings more often"

"Instead of a condom, I carry a towelette in my wallet. The odds of me finding chicken wings..."

"Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar" (joke)

"Instead of alphabet spaghetti, they should make alphabet butter. Spread the word"

"Instead of ‘British Summer Time’ and ‘Greenwich Mean Time’ we should just call them ‘Oven Clock Correct Time’..."

"Instead of cashiers saying 'here’s your receipt' they should say 'will you throw this away?'"

"Instead of 'Conspiracy Theorist', I prefer the name 'Connect The Dots Specialist'"

"Instead of conspiracy theorist, I prefer to be called a connect the dots specialist"

"Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks"

"Instead of giving roads the names of leaders and celebrities. if we give the contractor's name..."

"Instead of governments having digital ID on us, perhaps we should have digital ID on them"

"Instead of John, I call my bathroom Jim. That way it sounds better when I say I went to the Jim"

"Instead of presents this year, I'm giving everyone my opinion. Get excited"

"Instead of saying 'real life,' we should just call it 'offline'"

"Instead of sending poor countries money, shouldn't we be telling them to raise their minimum wage?"

"Instead of 'unvaccinated,' call yourself organic. Being natural is normal"

"Institutions will try to preserve the problem to which they are the solution"

"Instrument of the Immortals" (Steinway & Sons)

"Insurance covers everything except what happens"

Insurance District

"Insurance is sold, not bought"

"Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, until you realize it was your money to start with"

"Intelligence is like underwear -- have it, but don't show it off"

"Intelligence is like wealth. Great to have, but if you go around showing it off..."

"Intelligence is like wealth. Great to have, but if you go around showing it off..."

"Intensity builds immensity" (bodybuilding adage)

"Interest on debt grows without rain"

"Interesting... It says here that the good guys have won every single time. Lucky us!" (history)

Interlocking letters "N" and "Y" on New York baseball uniforms

Internal Rectal Service (Internal Revenue Service or IRS nickname)

Internal Revenge Service (Internal Revenue Service or IRS nickname)

Internal Rotten Scoundrels (Internal Revenue Service or IRS nickname)

International Circus Court (International Criminal Court or ICC nickname)

International Circus of Clowns (International Criminal Court or ICC nickname)

International Clown Court (International Criminal Court or ICC nickname)

International Dance Festival

International Fake Station (International Space Station or ISS nickname)

International Mafia Federation (International Monetary Fund or IMF nickname)

International Marxist Fund (International Monetary Fund or IMF nickname)

International Misery Fund (International Monetary Fund or IMF nickname)

International Monetary Fraud (International Monetary Fund or IMF nickname)

International Mother Fuckers (International Monetary Fund or IMF nickname)

"Internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket"

"Internet. It can censor everything about conspiracy theories, but can’t get rid of child porn"

"Internet: It doesn't make you stupid, it just makes your stupidity more accessible to others"

"Internet killed the video star" ("Internet killed the video store")

"Internet killed the video star" ("Internet killed the video store")

"Internet message boards? I'm all forum"

"Internships give you all the experience of a summer job without the hassle of a paycheck"

"Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your résumé? Me: I fell asleep on the space key."

"Interviewer: What do you make at your current job? Me: Mostly mistakes."

"Interviewer: Your reference letters said that you take things too literally" (joke)

"Interviewer: Your resume says you used to be in the theatre" (joke)

"Into a bar Yoda walks" (bar joke)

"Intoxicated, adj.: When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it"

Invaders (American League baseball team, later called Yankees)

"*Inventing celery* Damn I wish I could bite water with hair in it"

"Invest in people who invest in you"

"Invest in tennis balls. They have a high rate of return"

"Invest in what you know best" (Wall Street adage)

"Invest in your passions"

"Investigate, then invest" (Wall Street saying)

"Investing is simple, but it's not easy"

Invisible Fist (invisible hand + fist)

Invisible Government

Inwoodite (inhabitant of Inwood, Manhattan)

Iota Eta Pi (fictional fraternity)

I.O.U.S.A. (IOU + USA)

Iowa: "As Iowa goes, so goes Iowa"

Iowa: Full Grassley (politician visiting each county)

Iowa: I Oughta Went Around (backronym)

Iowa: I Owe the World an Apology (backronym)

Iowa: Idiots Out Wandering Around (backronym)

Iowa: "Iowa picks corn, New Hampshire picks presidents"

Iowa: "Three tickets out of Iowa" (Iowa caucus adage)

"IPA lot when I drink"

"IPAs are just pumpkin spice lattes for white men"

Iraq (LeFrak City); Kuwait (Queensbridge)

"Irate Diner: Hey, waiter, there's an F-L-Y in my alphabet soup!"

Irish Amnesia or Irish Alzheimer's (to forget everything but the grudge)

"Irish by blood. American by birth. Patriot by choice"

Irish Coffee (Gaelic Coffee)

"Irish coffee is the original Vodka Red Bull"

"Irish coffee is just Vodka Red Bull for adults"

Irish Grape (potato)

Irish Handcuffs (alcoholic drinks in both hands)

"Irish I was drunk" ("Irish I were drunk")

Irish Nachos

"Irish puns are the most O'ffensive"

Irish Riviera (Breezy Point)

Irish Soda Bread

"Irish stew...in the name of the law" (knock-knock joke)

Irish Turkey (corned beef and cabbage)

"Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day" (knock-knock joke)

Iron Maiden or HEET (High Entrance/Exit Turnstile)

Iron Pipeline (I-95)

Iron Triangle

Iron Triangle (Willets Point)

"Ironically, the only people still scared of Covid are vaccinated against it"

"Irony: having a coke machine reject your dollar bill for it being rolled up too many times"

"Irony is drawing a tree on paper, with a pencil, on a wooden desk, in a wooden house, in the woods"

"Irony is when you write 'save trees' on a piece of paper"

"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got"

IRSS (IRS + SS)

"Irving Berlin has no place in American music. He IS American music"

Irvingite (inhabitant of Irving)

"Is a cul-de-sac a spoon in the road?"

"is a dancing pig, shaken bacon?"

"Is a frozen watermelon still a watermelon or is it now an icemelon?"

"Is a golf cart considered a sports car?"

"Is a hot dog a sandwich?" (debate question)

"Is a line outside a Vietnamese restaurant a pho queue?"

"Is a serial killer on Halloween called a trigger treater?"

"Is a subpar golfer good or bad?"

"Is America cursed because it's built on an ancient Indian burial ground?"

"Is anything okay?" (Jewish restaurant joke)

"Is Betteridge's law of headlines correct?" (headline joke)

"Is Brooklyn still in the league?" (1934)

"Is chicken soup good for your health?"/"Not if you're the chicken!"

"Is corn the only thing that’s delicious after it explodes?"

"Is everyone enjoying their free 30 day trial of communism?"

"Is expired Nutella called Oldtella?"

"Is Google a woman? Because it won't let you finish without coming up with other suggestions"

"Is it bigger than a breadbox?"

"Is it called Dollar General because things are generally a dollar, but not always?"

"Is it called NASCAR because that’s the way a hillbilly pronounces 'nice car'?"

"Is it Friday yet?"

"Is it OK to be dismayed on June 1st?"

"Is it OK that I start drinking as soon as the kids go to school? Or am I just a bad teacher?"

"Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?"

"Is it okay to bring marijuana brownies to pot luck dinner?"

"Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?"

"Is it soup yet?"

"Is it still considered wine tasting if I’m on my third glass?"

"Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, or is it just one of Granny's myths?"

"Is it whiskey?"/"Yes, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank."

"Is Match.com a dating site for arsonists?"

"'Is Pepsi OK?' -- World's worst drug dealer"

"Is raising chickens hard work?"/"It sure is. You have to work around the cluck."

"Is salad dressing used to cover up the taste of salad?"

"Is that a banana in your pants or are you just happy to see me?"

"Is that a custard or a meringue?"/"You’re not wrong. It’s a custard."

"Is that coffee I smell?"/"It is, and you do."

"Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket or are you just happy to be within 6 feet of me?"

"Is that you or the beer talking?" (joke)

"Is that you or the wine talking?" (joke)

"Is the left called the left because they are never right?"

"Is the sex offender registry where sex offenders sign up for gifts?"

"Is the Sunday after Black Friday known as Black Sabbath?"

"Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks? I guess we'll know when the time comes"

"Is there a criminal lawyer in this town?" (lawyer joke)

"Is there a tax I can pay to stop Covid-19, or does that logic only apply to global warming?"

"Is there a tax I can pay to stop Covid-19, or does that only work for climate change?"

"Is there an afterlife? Touch my car and find out"

"Is there any company whose phone options haven't changed?"

"Is there baseball in heaven?" (joke)

"Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?"

"Is there ever a time when customer service is not experiencing 'high call volume'?"

"Is there life after death? Touch my car and find out" (bumper sticker)

"Is there life after death? Trespass here and find out" (property sign)

"Is there a such thing as a pasta fetish and if so please tell me it’s called fetishini alfredo"

"Is this meat really wild?"/"Yes sir, it was absolutely furious when we shot it."

"Is this pool safe for diving?"/"It deep ends."

"Is this real life or is this just Fanta sea?"

"Is this the helpline for alcoholics?"/ "Yes."/ "How do I make a mojito?"

"Is this the helpline for alcoholics?"/ "Yes."/ "How do you make a piña colada?"

"Is this the person you want to watch stare at their phone the rest of your life?"

"Is your fridge a morgue or a garden?"

"Is your refrigerator a morgue or a garden?"

"Is your refrigerator running?" (joke)

Island of Misfit Toys (Harry Chapin Playground, Brooklyn Heights)

"Islander goal!" (hockey catchphrase)

Isle of Tears or Island of Hope (Ellis Island Immigration Station)

Islosers (Islanders + losers)

"Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?" (joke)

"Isn't it funny that the people wanting socialism don't really contribute much to society..."

"Isn't it too early to be eating that?"/"What time do stomachs open?"

"Isn't it weird how the internet cannot eliminate child pornography, but can censor facts"

"Isn't Texas cute?" (Alaskan T-shirt)

"Isn't the smell of coffee the best alarm clock?"

Iso Omena (Finland's "Big Apple" shopping center, 2001-present)

Isobeard (isolation + beard)

Isolationship (isolated + relationship)

Israeli Double Standard Time

Israeli Film Festival

"Sixlets are a poor man's M&M's"

"It ain't all burritos and strippers, my friend"

"It ain't no thing but a chicken wing"

"It ain't over 'til it's over" ("It's not over until it's over")

"It ain't the heat, it's the humility"

"It all started with gourmet coffee. Followed by skinny jeans and man buns..."

"It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies..."

"It always rains at the end of a long dry spell" (weather joke)

"It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road"

"It cost me $500 to fly economy class. What a waste of money. I still know nothing about economics"

"It cost me $500 to fly economy class. What a waste of money. I still know nothing about economics"

"It costs more to be poor"

"It could be worse, you could be quarantined with me"

"It didn't start with the gas chambers. It started with one party controlling the media..."

"It does not require a majority to prevail, but rather an irate, tireless minority"

"It doesn't matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up"

"It doesn't matter how many resources you have. If you don't know how to use them..."

"It doesn’t matter how much milk you spill, as long as you don’t lose the cow"

"It doesn't matter how ready you think you are. The toaster will scare you"

"It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full..."

"It doesn't matter if you win or lose. What matters is if I win or lose"

"It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose"

"It feels amazing to walk into a store and buy whatever I want without looking at the price tag. Thank you Dollar Tree"

"It feels really unnatural to eat a Skittle without looking at its color first"

"It gets greater later" (motivational saying)

"It gets late early out there"

"It happened! I finally got laid...... Off"

"It helps if you imagine autocorrect as a tiny little elf in your phone who's trying so hard to be helpful but is in fact quite drunk"

"It hurts now, but one day it will be your warm up"

"It is 4 o'clock on Wall Street -- do you know where your money is?"

"It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education"

"It is better to live one year as a lion than 100 years as a sheep"

"It is easier to do a job right than to explain why you didn't"

"It is easier to start a war than to end it"

"It is harder for a poor man to enter the United States Senate than for a rich man to enter Heaven"

"It is high! It is far! It is gone!" (baseball home run call)

"It is impossible to rightly govern the world without God and the Bible"

"It is more fun to drive a slow car fast than a fast car slow"

"It is much easier to apologize than it is to get permission"

"It is not the bull side or the bear side, but the right side"

"It is only after a man gets rich that he discovers how many poor relatives he has"

"It is Sunday. I plan on doing nothing and plenty of it"

"It is the duty of the patriot to protect his country from its government"

"It is the first responsibility of every citizen to question authority"

"It is the soldier, not the reporter, who has given us freedom of the press"

"It is time for many people to be arrested suddenly"

"It is wiser to choose what you say than to say what you choose"

"It isn't black vs white. It isn't left vs right. It isn't red vs blue. It's State vs you"

"It isn't sex that wrecks these players, it's staying up all night looking for it"

"It isn't that I'm not a people person. It's just that I'm not a stupid people person"

"It isn't the holly, it isn't the snow. It isn't the tree nor the firelight's glow" (Christmas poem)

"It isn't what happens to you, but how you react to it, that determines your life"

"It it jiggles, it's fat"

"If it's in stock, we have it" (store sign)

"It just isn't Christmas unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes"

"It just takes one team to draft you" (player draft adage)

"It looks like a toothpick in a pie" (J. Frank Dobie on UT tower)

"It matters not, to free men, what tyrants write on paper"

"It may be dangerous to be America's enemy, but to be America's friend is fatal"

"It may be Friday the 13th, but it is still Friday and a reason to dance"

"It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m thinking about food"

"It may not be PC to say this, but I like Apple products"

"It might be called social media, but all I do is share memes and ignore people"

"It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm quite busy"

"It must be a pain in the ass to remove all those web lines that Spider-Man leaves behind in NYC"

"It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks"

"It never occurs to politicians that Lincoln is worth imitating as well as quoting"

"It never rains on a golf course"

"It only takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store..."

"It only takes one slow-walking person in the supermarket..."

"It only takes two to make an auction" (auction adage)

"It pays to advertise" (advertising adage)

"It rains on both sides of the field" (football adage)

"It rains on rich and poor alike, but the rich have better umbrellas"

"It really smells around that ol’ factory"

"It says here in this history book that, luckily, the good guys have won every single time"

"It seems I may have a drinking problem after all. I just ran out of wine"

"It seems unfair that elevators have music, but stairs do not have music"

"It Shines For All" (New York Sun)

"It should be illegal for you to choose whether you leave your house because you could harm me..."

"It started with a bat, went quickly to toilet paper... We’ve all gone bat, shit, crazy"

"It takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something"

"It takes a flood to break a drought"

"It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do"

"It takes a lot of beer to make good wine"

"It takes a village to raise a child...and a distillery to home school one"

"It takes a village to raise a child...and a vineyard to home school one"

"It takes as much energy to wish as it does to plan"

"It takes both sunshine and rain to make a rainbow"

"It takes four persons to dress a salad..."

"It takes good hitters to be a good hitting coach" (baseball adage)

"It takes guts to make a sausage"

"It takes money to make money" ("You've got to spend money to make money")

"It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly"

"It takes nine months to make a baby, no matter how many people you put on the job"

"It takes nothing to join the crowd. It takes everything to stand alone"

"It takes only one drink to get me drunk -- usually the fourth one"

"It takes ten years to become an overnight success"

"It took me a long time to figure out I'm a slow learner"

"It turns out the answer to my problems wasn't at the bottom of this pint of ice cream..."

"It used to be called 'House Depot' until they filled it with love"

"It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers"

"It was meaty okra" (mediocre)

"It was my understanding that there would be no math"

"It was raining cats and dogs and I stepped in a poodle"

"It was so cold in New York that I saw a dog stuck to a fire hydrant"

"It was so cold in New York that I saw a gangsta pull his pants up"

"It was so cold in New York that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets"

"It was so cold in New York that, in Central Park, I saw a squirrel salting his nuts"

"It was so cold in New York that the flashers were only describing themselves"

"It was so cold in New York that they canceled the Central Park ice festival"

"It was so cold in New York that they canceled the ice festival"

"It was so cold in New York the Statue of Liberty put the torch under her dress"

"It was so cold in New York the Statue of Liberty put the torch under her dress"

"It was so cold in Washington that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets"

"It was so cold outside that I farted snowflakes"

"It was so cold that Dunkin' Donuts was serving coffee on a stick"

"It was so cold that grandpa's teeth chattered -- and they were still in the glass"

"It was so cold that hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs"

"It was so cold that I chipped a tooth on my soup"

"It was so cold that I chipped a tooth on my soup"

"It was so cold that I enjoyed it when someone spilled hot coffee on my lap"

"It was so cold that I saw a chicken with a cape on"

"It was so cold that I saw a chicken with a cape on"

"It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus drive by and the dog was on the inside"

"It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus drive by and the dog was on the inside"

"It was so cold that I saw chickens lined up for KFC's deep fryer"

"It was so cold that I saw chickens lined up for KFC's deep fryer"

"It was so cold that I was drinking hot sauce instead of coffee"

"It was so cold that I was drinking hot sauce instead of coffee"

"It was so cold that opticians were giving away ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses"

"It was so cold that pickpockets were sticking hands in strangers' pockets to keep them warm"

"It was so cold that Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick"

"It was so cold that Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick"

"It was so cold that the cops were tasering themselves"

"It was so cold that the Times Square hookers charged $20 just to blow on your hands"

"It was so cold that we didn't clean the house -- we just defrosted it"

"It was so cold that when we milked the cows, we got ice cream"

"It was so cold that when we milked the cows, we got ice cream"

"It was so cold we had to chop up the piano for firewood, but we only got two chords"

"It was so hot in New York that fat guys were making their own gravy"

"It was so hot in New York that I saw squirrels fanning their nuts"

"It was so hot in New York that I saw two people give each other personal space"

"It was so hot in New York that I walked past Grant's Tomb -- and the door was open"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty has pit stains"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty has pit stains"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty put her arm down"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty put her arm down"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty was asked to blow out her torch"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty was asked to blow out her torch"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty was holding a Slurpee"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty was holding a Slurpee"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty went topless"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty went topless"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty wore a bikini"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty wore a bikini"

"It was so hot in New York that you could fry an egg on the sidewalk"

"It was so windy that when I was walking to the gym, I got blown into the wine store"

"It was so windy that when I was walking to the gym, I got blown into the wine store"

"It was supposed to be a battle against the pandemic to protect the people..."

"It was supposed to be a fight against the pandemic to protect the people..."

"It was the best of shires, it was the Worcestershire’s"

"It was the best of shires, it was the worst of shires" (Worcestershire’s)

"It was the bestestershire, it was the worcestershire"

"It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark" (planning proverb)

"It wasn't school John disliked, it was just the principal of it"

"It will fluctuate" (J. Pierpont Morgan?)

"It will take an act of Congress" (idiom)

"Italian by blood. American by birth. Patriot by choice"

Italian Hot Dog

Italian Hurricane (spaghetti with garlic sauce)

Italian Ice

Italian Sandwich

Italian Sandwich ("big sandwich" from Angelo Basso)

"Italians eat ham with melon, but flip out about pineapple on pizza"

"Italians eat prosciutto e melone, but draw the line at pineapple on pizza"

Ithaca: "Ithaca is 10 square miles, surrounded by reality"

Ithaca: Ithaca is Gorges (slogan)

Ithaca: Little Apple (nickname)

"It'll be greater later" (motivational saying)

"It'll get greater later" (motivational saying)

"It's 10 p.m. Do you know where your children are?"

"It's 100 and hell degrees outside" (very hot)

"It's 110 degrees, but it's a dry heat" (Texas heat joke)

"It's 25 or 6 to 4 somewhere"

"It's 97 degrees outside. Keep your pumpkin spice away from my margarita"

"It's a Bill of Rights, not a Bill of Needs"

"It's a child, not a choice"

"It's a dirty job, but somebody has to do it"

"It's a free country!"

"It's a good book, but everyone gets killed in the end" (Pete Gent on Dallas Cowboys playbook)

"It's a good day when you're looking down at the grass instead of up at the roots"

"It's a great day for a baseball game -- let's play two!"

"It's a great day to curl up with a book, then ignore it because, ya know, the internet"

"It's a great game, but a crappy business"

"It's a great time to walk in a cemetery. It's guaranteed that everybody is at least 6 feet away"

"It's a hundred and fuck dat degrees outside" (very hot)

"It's a hundred and fuck degrees outside" (very hot)

"It's a hundred and fuck that degrees outside" (very hot)

"It's a hundred and fuck this degrees outside" (very hot)

"It's a hundred and fuck this shit degrees outside" (very hot)

"It's a hundred and fuck you degrees outside" (very hot)

"It's a hybrid. It burns gas and oil" (bumper sticker)

"It's a hybrid. It burns gas and rubber" (bumper sticker)

"It's a job that's never started that takes the longest to finish"

"It’s a leap year so whatever you do today won’t show up on social media memories for another four years"

"It’s a leap year so whatever you do tomorrow won’t show up on social media memories for another four years"

"It's a legal system, not a justice system"

"It's a little early for a cocktail. When did you start drinking?"/"March."

It's A Nice Place to Visit, But I Wouldn't Want to Live There

"It's a piece of cake...marble cake...with real marbles"

"It's a proven fact that criminals commit less crime after they've been shot"

"It's a slow process, but quitting won't speed it up"

"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it"

"It's a Texas Thing" ("It's a Texas Thang")

"It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward" (boxing adage)

"It's about time I got out of that cookie" (fortune cookie message)

"It's about time I got out of this cookie" (fortune cookie message)

"It's actually bad luck to say MacBook inside an office. You have to call it 'The Scottish Laptop'"

"It's all about the rings" (winning championships over money)

"It's all fun and games until someone loses a tooth. Then it's hockey"

"It's all right to drink like a fish — if you drink what a fish drinks"

"It's almost time for bed, so I guess I'll just check Facebook, Twitter, Instagram..."

"It's almost time for bed, so I guess I'll just check my email, Etsy, Instagram, Facebook..."

"It's almost time for bed, so I guess I'll just check my email, Pinterest, Instagram, Facebook..."

"It's almost time to put away my black summer clothes and bring out my black fall clothes"

"It's almost time to put away my black winter clothes and bring out my black spring clothes"

"It's almost time to switch from my everyday anxiety to my fancy Christmas anxiety"

"It's almost time to switch from my everyday anxiety to my fancy Christmas anxiety"

"It's almost time to switch from my everyday anxiety to my fancy holiday anxiety"

"It's almost time to switch from my everyday anxiety to my fancy Xmas anxiety"

"It's almost time to switch from my normal anxiety to my fancy holiday anxiety"

"It's almost time to switch from your everyday anxiety to your fancy Christmas anxiety"

"It's always 25 or 6 to 4 somewhere"

"It's always better to be a pallbearer than to be a body"

"It's always better to sacrifice your opponent's pieces" (chess adage)

"It's always leg day at a spider gym"

"It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!"

"It's amazing how much I accomplish around the house under the threat of someone coming over"

"It's amazing how much you can accomplish around the house under the threat of someone coming over"

"It's amazing that the thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing"

"It's another fabulous morning in the Big Apple!" (Madagascar film, 2005)

"It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow I'm going there in person to see what's going on"

"'It's been a long week,' I say in the middle of the day on Tuesday"

"'It's been a long week.' -- Me, in the middle of Tuesday"

"It's been brought to my attention that I have offended some of you. I apologize..."

"It's been one hell of a party" (Larry McMurtry's "Lonesome Dove")

"It's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas"

"It's better to be judged by twelve than to be carried by six" (police saying)

"It's better to be pissed off than pissed on"

"It's better to have lived in New Orleans and moved than to never have lived here at all"

"It's better to have lived in New York and moved than to never have lived here at all"

"It's better to have lived in Texas and moved than to never have lived here at all"

"It's better to know the judge than to know the law"

"It’s better to sweat in the gym than to bleed in the streets"

"It's breakfast time somewhere"

"It's called a Bundt cake because it has a Bundt hole"

"It's called a meme. It's like a cartoon, but made by sad people that can't draw"

"It's called a meme. It's like a little digital seed of truth..."

"It's called a meme. It's like an inside joke, but for people that ain't got no friends"

"It's called a smart city because if they called it a concentration camp..."

"It's called 'celery' because 'cold, wet plant bones' takes too long"

"It's called gradualism because it gradually removes your freedoms"

"It’s called Gross Pay because it’s disgusting to see how much money you would have made..."

"It's called quiche because 'egg pie' sounds like something you'd look up on Urban Dictionary"

"It's called summer water. It's just like normal water, but has margarita in it"

"It's called the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it"

"It's called Tuesday because I need two cups of coffee before I can tolerate you"

"It's called Tuesday because I need two cups of coffee before tolerating humans"

"It's cheaper to send a kid to Yale than it is to jail"

"It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve"

"It's coffee and I need some Tuesday. Please excuse my incoherence, it's still early"

"It's coffee o'clock"

"It's crooked, but it's the only game in town"

"It's darkest before dawn, so that's the best time to steal a neighbor's newspaper"

"It's Delta variant if it's from the Delta region of India. Otherwise it's just sparkling Covid-19"

"It's difficult to say what my wife does. She sells sea shells by the sea shore"

"It's disrespectful outside"

"It’s easier to fool people than to convince them they have been fooled"

"It's easier to get to the top than it is to stay there"

"It’s easy being a communist in a free country. Try being free in a communist country"

"It's easy to be a communist in a free country. But try being free in a communist country"

"It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the express lane"

"It's five o'clock somewhere" (drinking saying)

"It’s Friday and I’m thirsty"

"It's Friday...any plan of being a productive member of society is officially thrown out the window"

"It's Friday! Don't forget to be fabulous!"

"It's Friday. I can't wait to get home and pour myself some dinner"

"It’s Friday! Just look busy until it’s time for wine"

"It's Friday!!!! Sorry, just practicing for tomorrow"

"It’s Friday, time to go make stories for Monday"

"It's Friday! Time to work! And by work I mean drink coffee and pretend to look busy!"

"It's Friday! Time to work! And by work I mean drink coffee and pretend to look busy!"

"It's Friday. Walk in. Fuck shit up. Walk out"

"It's funny how cucumber water can taste so much better than pickle juice..."

"It’s funny how people get so angry in traffic on the way to work..."

"It’s funny how the change jar slowly becomes all pennies"

"It's great to be young and a Yankee"

"It's happy hour somewhere"

"It's hard to beat a team three times in one season" (sports adage)

"It's hard to save money when food is always flirting with me"

"It's harder to defend a title than it is to win it"

"It's hell nah degrees outside"

"It's hell naw degrees outside"

"It's hell no degrees outside"

"It's hell to the nah degrees outside"

"It's hell to the nah nah nah degrees outside"

"It's hell to the naw degrees outside"

"It's hell to the naw naw degrees outside"

"It's hot tonight. I think I'll sleep with the window open. *207 mosquitoes liked your post*

"It's IKEA's birthday today, so I took them some eggs, flour, icing sugar, butter and a whisk"

"It’s illegal to sell stocks from inside a bath of sparkling apple juice. In cider trading"

"It's immoral to let a sucker keep his money" (poker adage)

"It's important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself why you don't"

"It's important to get out of the house every once in a while to remind yourself why you don't"

"It's impossible to make half a sandwich"

"It's impossible to predict the past" (joke)

"It's impossible to run with a backpack without looking like an idiot"

"It’s impressive how quickly I can go from full to starving"

"It's ironic that pregnant women drink virgin cocktails"

"It's ironic that pregnant women can only order virgin drinks"

"It's ironic that pregnant women order virgin cocktails at the bar"

"It's July 8th and people are still shooting off fireworks. One almost caught our Christmas tree"

"It's June 1st! We're all dismayed"

"'It's June already?!' said Tom, dismayed"

"It's just a hill -- get over it!" (running and cycling aphorism)

"It's just a job. I beat people up" (boxing)

"It’s just as easy to buy a scientist as it is to buy a politician"

"It’s just as easy to buy scientists as it is to buy politicians"

"It's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor one"

"'It's just been a rough week.' -- Me, in the middle of Tuesday"

"It's kind of fun to do the impossible"

"It's kind of funny how there's never lines at water park restrooms"

"It's kind of shitty that we basically pay politicians to tell us to go fuck ourselves"

"It's like I'm 16 again. $5 is gas money & we all grounded" (quarantine joke)

"It's like winter is mad and keeps storming out, then coming back yelling 'And another thing!'"

"It's like winter is really mad and keeps storming out of the room and then coming back..."

"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better"

"It’s margarita degrees outside"

"It's Monday. Don't forget to be awesome"

"It's Monday: Get up. Drink coffee. Be happy. Do great things. Stay positive"

"It's Monday. Grab some coffee and be awesome"

"It's Monday. Put on your capes"

"It's Monday, teachers. Put on your capes"

"It's Monday, wine a little"

"It's More Bueno" (Taco Bueno)

It's Mostly Fiscal or It's Mainly Fiscal (International Monetary Fund or IMF nickname)

"It’s my God-given right to be an atheist"

"It’s never a good thing to be greeted with 'Thank goodness you’re here'"

"It's never been worth zero!" (gold advertisement)

"It's never good when a safety is your team's leading tackler" (football adage)

"It's never too early to change the oil" (automotive adage)

"It's never too late to start exercising. That's why I'm waiting until later"

"It's never your successful friends posting the communist quotes"

"It's never your successful friends posting the inspirational quotes"

"It's never your successful friends sharing the socialist propaganda. -- George Washington"

"It's never your super successful friends posting the inspirational quotes"

"It's New Year's Eve, not New Year's Steve"

"It's nice outside. I think I'll sit out on the patio *207 mosquitos liked your post*"

"It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice"

"It's nice to see Blood oranges and Cripps apples side-by-side in harmony in produce"

"It's no disgrace to be poor, but it might as well be"

"It's no longer 5 o'clock somewhere. It's 2020 everywhere, so drink whenever you want"

"It's no long a question of staying healthy; it's finding a sickness you like"

"It's no longer called 'box wine' -- the classy term is 'Cardboardeaux'"

"It's not a bailout unless it comes from the Baile region of France..."

"It's not a booster, it's a 3rd shot of something that didn't work the first 2 times!"

"It's not a booster. It's the 3rd shot of a product that already failed twice"

"It's not a booster. It's the third shot of a product that already failed twice"

"It's not a matter of what is true that counts, but a matter of what is perceived to be true"

"It's not a recession. It's a robbery"

"It's not a recession unless it's from the Recession region of France..." (joke)

"It's not a stock market, but a market of stocks" (Wall Street saying)

"It’s not a Sunday unless you completely waste it, then feel really sad around 8 p.m."

"It’s not a Sunday unless you totally waste the whole day"

"It's not about safety. It's about control"

"It's not brain surgery"

"It’s not drinking alone if the dog is home"

"It's not drinking alone if you're pregnant"

"It's not failure. It's unfinished success"

"It's not fair that coffee stains your teeth brown, but milk doesn't stain them white"

"It's not fall without football" (autumn saying)

"It's not fitness. It's life" (Equinox)

"It's not gay if it's the TSA"

"It's not gay if it's TSA"

"It's not government work unless you have to do it twice"

"It's not hard to meet expenses -- they're everywhere"

"It's not hoarding if it's wine. It's a collection"

"It's not how big the house is. It's how happy the home is"

"It's not how big you are, it's how big you play"

"It's not how good you are. It's how bad you want it"

"It's not how good you are, it's how good you want to be"

"It's not how you drive; it's how you arrive" (golf adage)

"It's not leaking oil, it's sweating power" (bumper sticker)

"It's not multiple personality disorder, it's a theatre degree!"

"It's not my fault I blame everyone else for my mistakes"

"It's not my fault I have a double chin. When God was giving out chins..." (gin joke)

"It's not over until you shake hands" (hockey, tennis adage)

"It's not red versus blue. It's the state versus you"

"It's not red vs. blue. It's the state vs. you"

"It's not rocket salad"

"It's not rocket science"

"It's not that I can't speak until I've had my coffee. It's just that my words are buffering..."

"It's not that the majority are silent. It's that the media are silent about the majority"

"It's not that the majority is silent. It's that the media is silent about the majority"

"It's not the crime, it's the cover-up"

"It’s not the government’s job to protect my health. Its job is to protect my rights"

"It's not the holiday season unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes"

"It's not the hours you put in your work that counts, it's the work you put in the hours"

"It's not the minutes at the table that make you fat -- it's the seconds"

"It's not the virus they want to control. It's us"

"It's not the virus they want to control. It's you"

"It’s not the will to win that matters—everyone has that. It’s the will to prepare to win"

"It's not the X's and O's, it's the Jimmys and Joes"

"It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on"

"It's not what is poured into a student that counts, but what is planted"

"It's not what you eat between Christmas and New Year's that makes you fat..."

"It's not what you know, but who you know"

"It's not what you make, it's what you keep"

"It's not whether you win or lose, but who gets the blame"

"It's not who you know, it's whom you know"

"It's not your job to like me -- it's mine"

"It's not your job to love me -- it's mine"

"It's offensive when cashiers look at money like it's fake" (joke)

"It’s officially 'once I get home I ain’t coming back out' season"

"It's officially 'once I'm home I'm not coming back out' season"

"It’s officially 'once I’m home I’m not going out again' season"

"It's officially that 'wear a sweater in the morning regret it in the afternoon' type of weather"

"It's officially 'wear a sweater in the morning and regret it in the afternoon' weather"

"It's often hard to discern the difference between Texas Tough and Texas Stupid" (Molly Ivins)

"It's OK, funds. I'm insufficient too"

"It's OK not to be OK. Some days are just harder than others"

"It's ok to mix peas and corn, but don't call it 'porn'"

"It's okay, funds. I'm insufficient too"

"It’s okay if you don’t know what 'prefix' means. It’s not the end of the word"

"It's okay if you fall apart sometimes. Tacos fall apart and we still love them"

"It's okay password, I'm insecure too"

"It's okay to fall apart sometimes, Tacos do, and we still love them"

"It's one hundred and hell degrees outside" (very hot)

"It's only a gambling addiction if you keep losing. Otherwise, it's a high paying career"

"It's only baklava if it is above ground, otherwise it's bakmagma"

"It's only 'Cancel Culture' if it comes from the Cancella region of France. Otherwise it's just Sparkling Consequences"

"It's only moaning if it's from the Moan region of France. Otherwise it's just sparkling whine"

"It's only money"

"It's only physics if it's from the Physique region of France. Otherwise it's just sparkling math"

"It's only poetry if it's from the Poet region of France. Otherwise it's just sparkling whine"

"It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante region of France" (joke)

"It’s only sour grapes if it's from the Sourgrape region. Otherwise it’s just sparkling whine"

"It's only the ball that's soft" (softball saying)

"It's only Tuesday? Monday took so long, I thought it was Wednesday!"

"It’s only turkey if it’s from the farm region of Turkey. Otherwise, it’s sparkling chicken"

"It's our currency, but it's your problem" ("It's our dollar, but it's your problem")

"It’s pretty easy to make a deep dish pizza. It’s like a pizza cake"

It's Probably Overpriced (Initial Public Offering or IPO nickname)

"It’s Question Period, not Answer Period"

"It’s quite hot tonight, might have to sleep with an open window! *39 mosquitos liked your post*"

"It's risky to buy soda right after an earthquake"

"It's Robinson Crusoe's favorite shopping day" (Black Friday)

"It's Saturday. I plan on doing nothing and plenty of it"

"It's Saturday! The only decision you need to make is bottle or glass"

"It's sherbert day" (sherbet + birthday)

"It's showtime!" ("It's show time!")

"It's showtime at the Apollo" (Harlem's Apollo Theater)

"It's sick out there and getting sicker" (Bob Grant)

"It's smart to be thrifty" (Macy's); "Nobody undersells Gimbels" (Gimbels)

"It's smart to save money; some day it may be worth something"

"It's so damn cold outside that I just saw a deer fart a snowflake"

"It's so dry, the birds are building their nests out of barbed wire" (Texas heat joke)

"It's so dry, the catfish are carrying canteens" (Texas heat joke)

'It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs" (Texas heat joke)

"It's so hot, I just saw a bird blow on a worm before it ate it"

"It's so hot the crackheads are putting the copper back in the A.C. units"

"It's so hot, the hens are laying hard-boiled eggs" (Texas heat joke)

"It's so hot, the trees are whistling for dogs" (heat joke)

"It's so hot today, I just saw a bird blow on a worm before it ate it"

"It's so hot tweakers are putting the copper back into air conditioners"

"It's so much easier to suggest solutions when you don't know too much about the problem"

"It's so strange to think that before Facebook, all of this nonsense just stayed in people's heads"

"It's so strange to think that before Twitter, all of this nonsense just stayed in people's heads"

"It's spring. Don't forget to reverse your battery cables so the air conditioner comes on..."

"It’s spring. Don’t forget to reverse your battery cables so the air conditioner comes on…"

"It's strange how drinking 8 cups of water seems impossible, but 8 cups of coffee go down"

"It's strange that there is a setting on your toaster to completely burn the bread"

"It’s such a grand thing to be a mother of a mother — the world calls her grandmother"

"It's tea time somewhere"

"It's that time of year where people will say, 'It's too hot for coffee'"

"It’s that weird time of day when I don’t know if I need water, coffee, a cookie or..."

"It's the Bill of Rights, not the Bill of Needs"

"It's the dream, the Big Apple" (Howard Stern's Private Parts film, 1997)

"It's the economy, stupid"

"It's the Hall of Fame, not the Hall of Very Good"

"It's the jab, stupid"

"It's the Jewish new year 5768 and I still write 5767 on my checks" (joke)

"It's the last thing you take off and the first thing that is noticed" (cowboy hat)

"It's the most wonderful time to drink beer"

"It's the notes you don't play that matter" (jazz adage)

"It's the punch you don't see coming that knocks you out" (boxing adage)

"It's the thought that counts"

"It’s the weekend, baby! Might mess around and use a different setting on the washing machine"

"It's Thursday, or as I like to call it: Day 4 of the hostage situation"

"It's Thursday, which is 'Friday Eve' in Optimisian"

"It's time for Dodger baseball!" (Vin Scully catchphrase)

"It's time for many people to be arrested suddenly"

"It's time, not timing" (Wall Street adage)

"It's time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside"

"It's time to clean the fridge when something closes the door from the inside"

"It's time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside"

"It's time to take the warning labels off of everything and let stupidity work itself out"

"It's too bad that banks don't ever hand out free samples"

"It's unlucky to be behind at the end of a game"

"It's unsticking your thighs from plastic chairs season"

"It's useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk or running for office"

"It's very difficult to beat the market when you are the market"

"It’s weird liberals celebrate Women’s History Month when they can’t even tell you what a woman is"

"It's weird that leftists celebrate Women's History Month when they can't even tell you what a woman is"

"It's weird to think that before Facebook, all of this dumb shit just stayed in people's heads"

"It’s weird to think that before Facebook, all of this dumb stuff stayed in people’s heads"

"It's weird to think that before Twitter, all of this dumb shit just stayed in people's heads"

"It's what you learn after you know it all that counts"

"I've almost finished my sandwich filling degree. I do my final eggs ham tomorrow"

"I've always wanted to get a manatee."/"Thank you. Two sugars, please"

"I've always wanted to spend money lavishly, but I never thought it would be on sugar, milk, bread"

"I've always wondered why there is a day dedicated to fools. I see fools every day and frankly, I'm sick of it"

"I've bean thinking about you a latte"

"I've been a fan of Gazpacho soup since before it was cool"

"I've been bored recently so I've decided to take up fencing. The neighbors want it back"

"I've been cutting carbs lately -- with a pizza cutter"

"I've been exercising using dictionaries, and I'm finally starting to see some definition"

"I've been hiding from exercise. I'm in the fitness protection program"

"I've been hitting 'remind me tomorrow' on a computer update for the last 68 years"

"I've been keeping an eye on my spending and from what I can see I'm pretty good at it"

"I've been keeping an eye on my spending. From what I can see I'm very, very good at it"

"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is fourteen days"

"I've been on hold so long that I can't remember who I've called"

"I've been rich and I've been poor; rich is better"

"I've been social distancing for years...mostly because of restraining orders"

"I've been standing under citrus trees all day. I feel sublime!"

"I've been staying in a four-star hotel. It was ****"

"I've been studying the metric system lately. It's in tenths"

"I've been thrown out of better places than this!"

"I’ve been trying to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but good players are hard to find"

"I've been waiting all winter to complain about the summer heat"

"I've been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat"

"I've been 'watching my weight' and, rest assured, it's still there"

"I've been watching my weight. It's still there"

"I've been watching the Origami Channel. It's paper view"

"I've benedicted to Eggs Benedict"

"I’ve combined a laxative and alphabet soup. I call it 'Letter Rip'"

"I've come to the conclusion buying art supplies and actually using them are two separate hobbies"

"I've come to the conclusion buying craft supplies and actually using them are two separate hobbies"

"I've come to the conclusion, the bigger the Cheerio, the better it tastes" (donut saying)

"I've cut down on my drinking and now I only have one drink before going to bed..."

"I’ve cut down on my drinking and now only have one vodka before going to bed..."

"I’ve cut down on my drinking and now only have one whiskey before going to bed..."

"I’ve decided to dress as a different bread every day next week. Roll on Monday"

"I've decided to invest all my money in soup stocks. I want to be a bouillonaire"

"I've decided to leave my past behind. So if I owe you money, I'm sorry but I've moved on"

"I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B"

"I've decided to start calling my toilet Jim instead of John. I go to the Jim every morning"

"I'VE DECIDED TO WRITE MY TWEETS IN CAPITALS. I WROTE THIS ONE IN PARIS"

"I’ve done a survey on how people walk home from the pub. The results are staggering"

"I've done some terrible things for money, like getting up early and going to work"

"I've failed math so many times I can't even count"

"I've found the key to happiness. Stay away from assholes"

"I've given up my job in the circus because it was too difficult to juggle work and family"

"I've got a friend who reckons he can make high cuisine out of stock cubes. What an Oxo moron"

"I've got a fruit fetish. Well, that's according to my currant girlfriend"

"I’ve got a funny joke about gymnastics, but it’s a bit of a stretch"

I've got a hunch that I don't have any money left over after paying for college. It's all intuition"

"I've got a job as part of a human chess board. I'm on knights this week"

"I’ve got a joke about yoga, but it’s a bit of a stretch"

"I've got a million of 'em" (comedy saying)

"I've got a pen and a phone" (executive authority)

"I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings. It’s a complex complex complex"

"I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock"

"I've got it all together. I just forgot where I put it"

"I've got mood poisoning. It must be something that I hate"

"I've got no problems with genetically modified food. Just had a lovely leg of salmon"

"I’ve got some racing geese for sale. Let me know if you want a quick gander"

"I've got the same Easter plans as Jesus. Disappear on Friday, show up on Monday"

"I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes. Doctor says it's terminal"

"I've got to stay home. I have a case of anal blindness..." (work joke)

"I've grown to hate low ceilings"

"I'VE HAD IT WITH CAPITALISM. i think i'll give lowercaseism a try"

"I’ve had so much coffee today I can see noises"

"I've just been offered 8 legs of venison for $100. Is that two deer?"

"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again"

"I've just been on Trip Advisor. There's no information about a twisted ankle and a skinned knee"

"I've just booked a table for Valentine's Day. I hope she likes pool"

"I've just checked my home insurance policy and apparently if my blanket is stolen I'm not covered"

"I've just fallen through the roof of a French bakery. I'm in a world of pain"

"I've just found out that my Indian name is Chugalottajava"

"I've just lost my job as an ice cream tester. I couldn't do sundaes"

"I've just opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos"

"I've just opened a shop selling telescopes. Business is looking up"

"I've just released my own fragrance. But no one in this elevator seems to like it"

"I've just released my own fragrance. But no one on this bus seems to like it"

"I've just released my own fragrance. But no one on this train seems to like it"

"I’ve just released my own fragrance. Nobody in the car seemed to like it"

"I've just seen a very confusing book -- 'Ventriloquism for Dummies'"

"I've just started work as a human chess piece. The money's good. I'm on knights this week"

"I've just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax"

"I've just watched a film that was set around a tea plantation in India. It was rated PG"

"I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking of making a few more"

"I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake"

"I've lost loads of weight, just by wearing bread around my head. It's a loaf hat diet"

"I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players. The servers are currently down"

"I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players. The servers are currently down"

"I’ve mixed I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter with butter & now I don’t know what to believe!"

"I've never been able to count to ten in French because of my huit allergy"

"I've never been camping, but once my phone died and I looked up and saw a tree"

"I've never been in love, but I imagine it's like when the waiter brings your food"

"I've never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me"

"I've never seen a cave drawing of a salad. We eat meat!"

"I’ve never seen a juice box, but I hear they pack a punch"

"I've never seen a tombstone that said, 'Died from not forwarding a chain email'"

"I've never taken an elevator to the basement floor. That's just beneath me"

"I've never understood the point in fire blankets" (joke)

"I've noticed a lot of you are not posting selfies anymore since the beauty salons have closed"

"I've open sourced my French Revolution joke. It's royalty free"

"I've reached the age where 'Happy Hour' is a nap"

"I've reached the age where I can't function without my glasses...especially if they're empty"

"I’ve recently switched from eating venison to eating pheasant. Absolute game changer"

"I’ve robbed banks before…and they’re never getting their pens back"

"I've set myself a five year plan to become more spontaneous"

"I’ve spent 2 weeks hanging out with myself and i am so sorry to every person i spent time with"

"I’ve started a band and called it 'Books.' So no one can judge us by our covers"

"I've started cross fit. I cross my fingers and hope my pants fit"

"I've started drinking my coffee out of a clear mug, so people know where my tolerance level is at"

"I’ve started telling about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s about raisin awareness"

"I've struggled with timekeeping since I don't know when"

"I've studied Basic Human Anatomy so much that I know it like the back of my hand"

"I've trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine. He's a Bordeaux collie"

"I tried using a colander to view the eclipse. I think I've strained my eyes"

"I've worn this for 20 years and it still fits."/"It's a scarf."