“I see you have some graph paper. You must be plotting something”
People who use graph papers are always plotting something, or so the joke goes. "You should always be suspicious of people with graph paper. They're probably plotting something" was…
Alphebetical for "i"
“I seen my opportunities and I took ‘em” & “Honest graft” (George Washington Plunkitt)
George Washington Plunkitt, a corrupt politician of Tammany Hall days, is known today for the term "honest graft" and the saying "I seen my opportunities and I took 'em."…
“I sell pies from my car. $2 for apple, $3 for pumpkin. These are the pie rates of the car I be in”
"Pie Rates of the Caribbean”—a pun on the Pirates of the Caribbean film series—has been printed on many images. A different version was posted on Reddit -- Jokes on January 14, 2019:…
“I serve three meals: frozen, microwave and takeout”
"I serve three meals: frozen, microwave and takeout" is a jocular kitchen line -- the three meals are usually breakfast, lunch and dinner -- that has been printed on many images. "My…
“I set my alarm clock ahead to prevent being late…” (joke)
Many people who are constantly late set their clocks ahead to give them a few extra minutes. "I set my alarm clock ahead to prevent being late... But all it really did is sharpen my…
“I sexually identify as a microwave dinner…” (joke)
"I sexually identify as a microwave dinner because I’m ready in 5 minutes but don’t look anything like my photos" is a joke that was posted on Twitter by Lisa Marie on October 7,…
“I shop everywhere, but I buy on 14th Street”
"I shop everywhere, but I buy on 14th Street" is an old New York saying. There used to be many inexpensive stores on 14th Street (especially around Union Square), so New Yorkers could get…
“I shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye”
"I shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye" is a pun on the famous line in the Johnny Cash song "Folsom Prison Blues" (1953), "I shot a man in Reno, just to…
“I shot someone with a starting gun. I’ve been charged with race crime”
Is a crime at a running race a race crime? There's a joke: "I shot someone with a starting gun. I've been charged with race crime." The pun was cited on Twitter on October 7,…
“I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I’m in whey over my head”
"I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk, I'm in whey over my head" is a joke with a popular whey/way pun. The oneliner was posted on Twitter by Tony Cowards on…
“I shouldn’t have had seafood because now I’m feeling a little eel”
"I knew I shouldn't have had the seafood because now I'm feeling a little eel" is a jocular one-liner that has been printed on many images. "You'll have to excuse me,…
“I signed up for Binary 101, but it turns out it’s a level 5 course”
Many introductory college courses end in "101." But what if the course is Binary 101? (101 is 5 in binary.) "I failed Binary 101.I said it was 6. http://bit.ly/1a78s7q via…
“I skip Black Friday because my hatred of mankind outweighs my love for stuff”
"I skip Black Friday because my hatred of mankind outweighs my love for stuff" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. Many people try to avoid the Black Friday shopping…
“I slapped a statue’s ass. I’ve officially hit rock bottom”
"Rock bottom" is the lowest level or point. A joke about stone statues is: "I slapped a statue's ass. I've officially hit rock bottom." "I slapped a statue on the…
“I sleep better naked. Why can’t the flight attendant understand this?”
"I sleep better naked. Why can't the flight attendant understand this?" is a jocular saying about sleeping on an airplane that has been printed on many images. "I always sleep…
“I sleep better naked. Why can’t the flight attendants understand this?”
"I sleep better naked. Why can't the flight attendant(s) understand this?" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. Authorship is uncertain. "I sleep better…
“I sleep in a castle once every two weeks. It’s my fort night”
A fortnight joke was posted on X/Twitter by FizzySnood on August 23, 2015: " I sleep in a castle once every two weeks. It's my fort night." Wikipedia: Fortnight A fortnight is a unit…
“I slept in a bed of rice last night. I was asleep as soon as my head hit the pilau”
"Pilaf" (U.S. spelling) is a rice dish that is spelled "pilau" in the United Kingdom, and, of course, there are "pillow" jokes. "I slept in a bed of rice last…
“I sold fake eclipse glasses. but those suckers will never see me again”
There was a solar eclipse on August 21, 2017. A joke was posted on Reddit -- Jokes on August 24, 2017: "This past week I made a couple bucks selling fake eclipse glasses. I'm not to…
“I sometimes wonder if Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima are married to each other”
Uncle Ben's is a brand name for rice products. Aunt Jemima is a brand name for pancake mixes and syrups. People sometimes joke that Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima are married, and this has been…