Waccabuc: New York's Secret Suburb (nickname)

Waccinate (variant spelling of "vaccinate")

Waccination (variant spelling of "vaccination")

Waccine (wack + vaccine)

Wacktivist (wack + activist); Wacktivism

Waco (Dr. Pepper); Dallas (Coke); Waxahachie (a Dr. Pepper and a Coke)

Waco We Do (Waco slogan)

Wacoan (inhabitant of Waco)

Wacoite (inhabitant of Waco)

Waddy (Waddie)

"Waffle House implies the existence of a Waffle Senate"

Waffle House Index (disaster recovery metric)

Waffle House Index (disaster recovery metric)

Waffle House of the Sky (Spirit Airlines nickname)

Waffle House with Wings (Spirit Airlines nickname)

Waffle Iron (432 Park Avenue)

Waffle Taco

Waffle Wednesday

Waffleize or Wafflize

"Waffles are essentially a series of miniature edible bowls that hold maple syrup"

"Waffles are just pancakes with abs"

"Waffles are just pancakes with an Instagram filter"

"Waffles are just pancakes with bones"

"Waffles are just pancakes with tiny bowls for syrup"

"Waffles are plates that are full of bowls"

Wage-Slave (Wage-Slavery)

"Wagner's music is better than it sounds" (opera adage)

"Wagon Wheels are British s'mores"

"Wagon Wheels are just cold s'mores"

WaHI (Washington Heights & Inwood)

Wailing Wall Street (Wailing Wall + Wall Street)

Wait-a-Burger (Whataburger nickname)

"Wait an hour after eating before going swimming"

Wait in Times Square and eventually everyone you know will pass

"Wait, there's nothing in this Air and Space Museum!"

"Wait 'til next year!" (Brooklyn Dodgers)

"Waiter: Any intolerances? Diner: People who don't signal properly on roundabouts."

"Waiter: Be careful, the plate is really hot. Diner: No worries. I'm not really attracted to plates"

"Waiter: Can I take your order?"/"Diner: Sure."/"Waiter: Thanks. I'm just really hungry."

"Waiter! Do you have frogs' legs?"/"No, I always walk this way."

"Waiter: Do you wanna box for that? Diner: No, but I'll wrestle you for it."

"Waiter, does the pianist play requests?" (joke)

"Waiter, how come there are no chairs at our table?"/"I'm sorry, but you only booked one table."

"Waiter: How do you like your steak cooked? Me: Like winning an argument with my girlfriend."

"Waiter: How do you like your eggs? Diner: I don't know. I haven't gotten them yet."

"Waiter: How do you like your steak cooked? Me: Like winning an argument with my wife."

"Waiter, I can't find any oysters in this oyster soup."/"Would you expect angels in angel cake?"

"Waiter, I want a table for dinner!"/"Boiled or roasted, sir?"

"Waiter, I'd like a bottle of wine." / "What year, sir?" / "Right now."

"Waiter: Is your food spicy, sir? Diner: No, smoke always comes out of my ears!"

"Waiter: May I take your plates? Diner: Sure, they were yours to begin with!"

"Waiter, my soup is cold."/ "It's Gazpacho."/ "Well, Gazpacho, my soup is cold."

"Waiter, taste the soup!" (joke)

"Waiter, there is a bee in my alphabet soup!"/"I'm sure there is an A, C and all the other letters."

"Waiter, there is a spider in my soup."/"Yes sir, I put it there to catch the fly."

"Waiter, there's a bee in my soup."/"Yes sir, it is the fly's day off."

"Waiter, there's a button on my potato."/"Well, you did ask for a jacket potato."

"Waiter, there's a dead spider in my soup."/"Yes, ma'am, they can't stand the boiling water."

"Waiter, there's a fly drowning in my alphabet soup."/"Throw him an 'O' as a life preserver."

"Waiter, there's a fly in my alphabet soup!"/"That's no fly, that's a spelling bee."

"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"

"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"/[Klaus Schwab as waiter] "I know..."

"Waiter, there's a fly in my wine!"/"Well, you did ask for something with a little body in it!"

"Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup."/"Then we've served you too much soup."

"Waiter, there's a reflection of a sad and lonely man in my soup"

"Waiter, there's a spider in my soup. Send for the manager."/"He's frightened of them, too."

"Waiter, this egg is bad!"/"Don't blame me. I only laid the table."

"Waiter: This is duck soup. Diner: No! It's watered down!"

"Waiter, this soup tastes funny!"/"Then why aren't you laughing?"

"Waiter, what's this fly doing in my alphabet soup?"/"Probably learning to read, sir."

"Waiter, what's this fly doing in my alphabet soup?"/"Seems like he's sending an S.O.S."

"Waiter, why is there a spider in my glass?"/"It scares away the flies."

"Waiters bring a lot to the table"

"Waiter's-thumb-in-the-soup" jokes

"Waiting for a leader or savior to solve the problem is precisely what the slave has been 'trained' to do"

"Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project. I know I did my part"

"Waiting for inspiration to write is like standing at the airport waiting for a train"

"Waiting for my thighs to socially distance themselves"

"Waiting for the other shoe to drop" (business idiom)

"Waiting in traffic is like getting in line to go to work"

"Waitress: Any intolerances? Diner: Well, I can be a bit racist."

"Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu, please?" (joke)

"Waitress: Do you have any questions about the menu? Diner: What kind of font is this?"

"Waitress: Sorry about your wait. Diner: Well, I've been doing my best to lose it."

Waitsplaining (waiter/waitress + explaining)

Wake and Bake (marijuana-infused coffee)

"Wake me up when Kirby dies" (theatre saying)

"Wake up and smell the bagels"

"Wake up and smell the breakfast tacos"

"Wake up and smell the coffee"

"Wake up and smell the tyranny"

"Wake up and spill the coffee"

"Wake up determined -- go to bed satisfied"

"Wake up, drink coffee & punch today in the face"

"Wake up. Drink coffee. Hug dog. Repeat"

"Wake up. Drink coffee. Kick ass. Repeat"

"Wake up. It's food o'clock"

"Wake up. Kick ass. Be kind. Repeat"

"Wake up. Kick ass. Repeat"

"Wake up. Work out. Kick ass. Repeat"

"Wake up. Workout. Be kind. Repeat"

"Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey"

Wal-Fart or Walfart (Walmart nickname)

Waldorf Astoria (solitary confinement)

Waldorf Cocktail

Waldorf Cocktail

Waldorf Hysteria (Waldorf-Astoria Hotel nickname)

Waldorf of Harlem (Hotel Theresa, now Theresa Towers)

Waldorf of Harlem (Hotel Theresa, now Theresa Towers)

Waldorf of the Catskills (Grossinger's Hotel nickname)

Waldorf Salad

Waldorf Salad

Waldorf Sandwich

Waldorf Sandwich

"Walk and chew gum at the same time" (stupid or uncoordinated)

"Walk softly and carry a bent stick" (archery adage)

Walk-Up Apartment

"Walked into a bank today and saw people wearing masks. Fortunately, it was just a robbery"

"Walked into a post office and saw people wearing masks. Fortunately, it was just a robbery"

"Walking back to Houston" (Ace-King in Texas Hold'em)

"Walking back to the car because you forgot your mask is the new kinda pissed off"

"Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a cheesecake"

"Walking down the stairs is falling with extra steps"

Walking Taco (Taco-in-a-Bag; Petro's)

"Walks will kill you" (baseball adage)

Wall Dog

"Wall Street" (1968)

Wall Street (from a graveyard to a river)

"Wall Street got drunk" (George W. Bush)

"Wall Street indexes predicted nine out of the last five recessions" (Paul Samuelson)

"Wall Street is where people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from people who take the subway"

"Wall Street never discounts the same thing twice"

Wall Street North (Stamford, CT nickname)

Wall Street of the Southwest or Wall Street of Texas (The Strand in Galveston)

Wall Street of the Southwest (The Strand in Galveston)

Wall Street of the West (17th Street in Denver)

Wall Street of the West (Montgomery Street in San Francisco)

Wall Street on Long Island Sound (Greenwich-Stamford-Norwalk-Westport-Bridgeport, CT nickname)

Wall Street Refiner

Wall Street Run (and Heart Walk)

Wall Street South (Brickell in Miami, FL nickname)

Wall Street South (Charlotte, NC nickname)

Wall Street Urinal (Wall Street Journal nickname)

Wall Street Urinal (Wall Street Journal nickname)

Wall Street-Washington Corridor

Wall Street West (Jersey City, NJ nickname)

Wall Streeter

Walled City (Brooklyn)

"Walls for the wind, a roof for the rain, and drinks beside the fire..." (Irish blessing)

Wally Martinez (Walmart nickname)

Wally World (Walmart nickname)

"Walmart is a little piece of Florida in every state"

"Walmart is like a little piece of Florida in every state"

Walmart of the Sky (nickname of various airlines)

"Walmart will be closed Christmas Day so both cashiers can be with their families"

"Walmart will be closed on Thanksgiving so self-checkout cashiers can be with their families"

Walmart with Wings (nickname of various airlines)

Walmartian (Walmart shopper/employee nickname)

Walmartization

Walmartyr (Walmart + martyr)

Wandelprobe (walking rehearsal)

"Wanderlust and city dust"

Wanksta or Wankster (wack/wanker/wannabe + gangster)

"Wanna hear a joke about a parking ticket?"/"No."/"Fine."

"Wanna know how you can tell when the truth is being told? Facebook blocks it..."

"Wanna know the difference between a man and a margarita? A margarita hits the spot every time"

"Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms"

"Want to hear a joke about pizza?...Never mind, it's too cheesy"

"Want to hear a really dark joke?…Decaf"

"Want to stop drunk drivers from killing sober drivers? Ban sober drivers. That's gun control"

"Want to stop riots? Play the national anthem. They'll all sit down"

"Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don't get orange"

War Chest

"War doesn't determine who's right, only who's left"

"War is like a vacuum cleaner that sucks tax dollars out of your pocket..."

"War is a racket"

"War is greedy old men sending naive young boys to kill innocent children"

"War is murder. Taxation is theft. Police are gangs. Politicians are criminals"

"War is not healthy for children and other living things"

"War is when the government tells you who the bad guy is. Revolution is when you decide that"

"War is when the government tells you who the enemy is. Revolution is when you figure it out"

"War is when your government tells you who the enemy is. Revolution is when you figure it out"

"War kills reform"

"War propaganda left unchecked for a single generation becomes history"

War Room (a team's player draft headquarters)

War Street Journal (Wall Street Journal nickname)

War Street Journal (Wall Street Journal nickname)

"Warm beer and cold coffee are the same temperature"

Warm Crap in a Bag (Frito Pie nickname)

Warmmonger (global warming + monger)

Warmunism (global warming + communism); Warmunist

"Warning: Alcohol consumption will make you believe you're whispering. I assure you, you are not"

"WARNING! Children left unattended will be sold to the circus"

"Warning: Does not play well with others before coffee"

"Warning: Going to sleep on Sunday will cause Monday"

"WARNING: I brake for no apparent reason"

"Warning: May bite before caffeine"

"WARNING: May bite before coffee ...and maybe after"

"Warning: My alarm tells me you're in my house. My gun tells me not for long"

"Warning! The consumption of alcohol might cause you to think you can sing"

"Warning! The consumption of wine might cause you to think you can sing"

"WARNING: To avoid injury, don't tell me how to do my job"

"WARNING: To avoid serious injury, don't tell me how to do my job"

"WARNING: You have been found in violation of a rule we hadn't made up yet..." (Facebook)

"WARNING: Your government is imploding before your eyes..."

"Warning: You're being conditioned to view your freedom as 'selfish'"

"WARNING: You've been identified as someone trying to make people think for themselves..." (FB)

WarPo (Washington Post nickname)

"Wars should be financed through GoFundMe and fought by those cheering for it"

Warvangelical (war + evangelical)

"Was 'artisanal' coined as an 'art is anal' joke?"

"Was given a bag of peanuts blessed by the Pope, but gave them away because I hate religious nuts"

"Was going to make a joke about my paycheck. Turns out I have insufficient puns"

"Wasabi is just anime horseradish"

"Wash your hands and say your prayers because Jesus and germs are everywhere"

"Wash your hands. COVID-19 doesn't kill itself, just like Jeffrey Epstein"

"Washes his hands. Always wears a mask. Rearrange the letters in Racoon and it spells CORONA!"

Washeteria (Washateria; Washiteria)

"Washing windows is a pane in the glass"

Washington, DC: Capitol Hill (nickname)

Washington, DC: City of Magnificent Distances (nickname)

Washington, DC: Da Capital (nickname)

Washington, DC: Da Capitol (nickname)

Washington, DC: "Democracy dies in darkness" (Washington Post slogan)

Washington, DC: District of Confusion (nickname)

Washington, DC: District of Corruption (nickname)

Washington, DC: District of Criminals (nickname)

Washington, DC: District of Cunts (nickname)

Washington, DC: Dot.Com (nickname)

Washington, DC: Hot Tub (nickname)

"Washington, DC is 12 square miles bordered by reality"

Washington, DC: Rome on the Potomac (nickname)

"Washington, DC stands for Washington, Da Capital"

Washington, DC: Wall Street-Washington Corridor

Washington, DC: WarPo (Washington Post nickname)

Washington, DC: "Washington, DC is 12 square miles bordered by reality"

Washington, DC: "Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm"

Washington, DC: "What do the Metro system and the Little Mermaid have in common?" (joke)

Washington Demands Cash (Washington, D.C. nickname)

"Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm"

"Washington is the only insane asylum in the world run by its own inmates" ("Pappy" O'Daniel)

Washington Monument Syndrome (Washington Monument Strategy)

"Washington's face was on all our money; now, Washington's hands are on it, too"

Waste, Fraud and Abuse ("big three")

Wasted Wednesday

Wasteway (Westway nickname)

Wastewood (Westwood High School nickname)

"Watch grass grow" (a boring activity)

"Watch more sunsets than Netflix"

"Watch out for the idiot behind me" (bumper sticker)

"Watch paint dry" (a boring activity)

"Watch repairmen always get to work on time"

"Watch repairmen always get to work on time"

"Watch the costs and the profits will take care of themselves"

"Watching a graduation ceremony is like sitting through a movie that's entirely end credits"

"Watching people cling to the 2-party system is like witnessing the victim of a toxic relationship"

"Watching too much television gives you square eyes" (Square-eyed)

Water Crouton (ice cube)

"Water flows uphill toward money"

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water"

"Water is good for only two things: floating ships and making beer"

"Water is just beer that hasn't reached its full potential"

"Water is just boneless ice"

"Water is just cloud milk"

"Water is just coffee that hasn't reached its full potential"

"Water is just ice juice"

"Water is just tea that hasn't reached its full potential"

"Water is the default flavor"

"Water is the grown-up drink"

"Water, lemons and sugar are free at restaurants, but lemonade costs money"

"Water separates the people of the world, wine unites them"

Water Ski Capital of Texas (Lake McQueeney nickname)

Water Sommelier (Water Steward)

"Water uses cloud storage"

"Water your mind to grow your soul"

"Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds rad if you don't know what either of these things are"

Waterburger (Whataburger nickname/pronunciation)

Watergate Cake

Watergate Salad

"Watering something adds water, but milking something removes milk"

Watermelon Capital of Texas (Hempstead) & Seedless Watermelon Capital of Texas (Knox County)

Watermelon (green on the outside, red on the inside)

"Watermelon is 50% water and 50% melon"

"Watermelon is just crunchy juice"

"Watermelon is just crunchy water"

"Watermelons are 92% water which means they're only 8% melon"

"Watermelons are just summer pumpkins"

"Watermelons are more than 90% water. To be safe, I’m never eating a kumquat again"

"Watermelons look like fat cucumbers"

Watertown: Snowtown USA (nickname)

"Wait until the people who just want to be left alone get involved"

"Watson, I've discovered that our hotel mattress is missing a cover."/"No sheet, Sherlock!"

Wave Election (Tidal Wave Election)

"Waving at the end of every Zoom call like it's the 1800's and a big steam ship is leaving the harbor"

Waxahachian (inhabitant of Waxahachie)

Waxinate or Waxxinate or Waxxxinate (variant spelling of "vaccinate")

Waxination or Waxxination (variant spelling of "vaccination")

"Waxing your bikini line shouldn't cost a brazilian dollars"

Waxxinate or Waxinate or Waxxxinate (variant spelling of "vaccinate")

Waxxination or Waxination (variant spelling of "vaccination")

Waxxine (wack + vaccine)

Waxxxinate or Waxinate or Waxxinate (variant spelling of "vaccinate")

Way South Austin

"Way to Shop" (Macy's)

Wazzitoyuh ("What's it to you?")

WD-40 (White Democrat Over 40)

"We accept weather predictions from a rodent, but deny climate change evidence by scientists"

"We Ain't Comin' Out" (WACO)

"We ain't got no north" (directional joke)

"We all blame society, but we are society"

"We all deserve morning sex and pancakes"

"We all live in a COVID quarantine" (song)

"We all live in a yellow quarantine" (song)

"We all place ourselves in danger when we stand up, but..."

"We always go the extra mile because we missed the last exit"

"We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass"

"We are about 3 weeks away from knowing everyone’s true hair color" (pandemic joke)

"We are all a little broken. But last time I checked, broken crayons still color the same"

"We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid"

"We are all feminine products"

"We are all Keynesians now" ("We're all New Yorkers now")

"We are all MAD* here" (*MAD -- Making A Difference)

"We are being told to line up our children to get something that might kill them..."

"We are designed for accomplishment, engineered for success & endowed with the seeds of greatness"

"We are entering an era of unprecedented recipe substitutions"

"We are in the midst of the longest, saddest, most excruciating and unsatisfying 'I told you so'"

"We are launching this innovation for the first time"

"We Are New York" (Douglas Elliman Realty)

"We are not conspiracy theorists. You are just a blind fool"

"We are not far right, just right so far. We wish we were wrong"

"We are not strange. We are dramatically different"

"We are one day closer to a good rain" (drought joke)

"We are so poor we eat Ordinary K for breakfast"

"We Are the People!" (1888-1889 champion baseball Giants)

"We are the unorganized truth, fighting an organized lie"

"We are writers, my love. We don't cry. We bleed on paper"

We Be Toys (Toys "R" Us nickname)

"We blame society, but we are society"

"We breathe air. Trees make air. Homework kills trees. Homework is killing us"

"We Bring the Caring Home" (Visiting Nurse Service of New York)

"We build futures one success story at a time" (Stanley Kaplan)

"We burn rubber and chipotles" (Houston taco truck slogan)

"We bust ours to kick yours" (sports saying)

"We Buy Ugly Houses" (HomeVestors slogan)

"We call it fall because leaf fall down"

"We call it fall because leaves fall down"

"We campaign in poetry, but when we're elected we're forced to govern in prose"

"We can kick your city's ass"

"We can no longer call a 30 day ban Facebook jail. It must now be referred to as Metapause"

"We can't direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails" (proverb)

"We can't eat inside. But we can eat outside. But it's cold so we set up outside as inside"

"We cater to cowards" (dentist office sign)

"We cheat the other guy and pass the savings on to you"

"We come, not to mourn our dead soldiers, but to praise them"

"We control the Tide" (Texas A&M joke about Alabama football)

"We could take our kids to a restaurant tonight or cut out the middle man & just spill a drink..."

"We Cure Our Own Corned Beef; Our Chicken Soup Cures Everything Else" (Ben's Deli)

"We didn't lose -- we just ran out of time"

"We didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door..."

"We dine out twice a week. My wife goes Tuesdays and I go Fridays"

"We Do Dishes" (Fishs Eddy)

"We do not consent" (#wedonotconsent)

"We DO NOT throw away perfectly good food in this house. We put the leftovers in Tupperware..."

"We do these things not because they are easy, but because we thought they were going to be easy"

"We do this not because it is easy, but because we thought it would be easy"

"We don't care how you did it up North"

"We don't dial 911"

"We don't do kings (in America)"

"We don't eat breakfast on Thanksgiving. We starve until the food is ready"

"We don't have a welcome mat at our door because we're not liars"

"We don't have a welcome mat at the door because we're not liars"

"We don't have freedom of speech to talk about the weather"

"We don't have the first amendment to talk about the weather"

"We don't hide crazy. We parade it in the streets and hang some beads on it"

"We don't hide the crazy. We parade it down the street"

"We don't know them all, but we owe them all"

"We don't let athletes bet on games they have the ability to influence. Why do we allow congress..."

"We don't need metal detectors in Congress. We need lie detectors"

"We don't need more cameras pointed at citizens. We need more cameras pointed at politicians"

"We don't need shooters, we need makers" (basketball adage)

"We don’t need to eat anyone who would run, swim, or fly away if he could"

"We don’t need to justify why we should be allowed to do something..."

"We don't serve black people."/"That's OK. I don't eat them."

"We don't skinny dip. We chunky dunk"

"We don't stop playing because we grow old. We grow old because we stop playing"

"We don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in our pool" (swimming pool adage)

"We eat all we can, and we sell the rest" (Blue Bell Ice Cream slogan)

"We eat pizza from the inside out"

"We eat with our eyes first"

"We fear rejection, want attention, crave affection, and dream of perfection"

"We finish each other's sandwiches"

"We forgive a child afraid of the dark; the real tragedy is when men are afraid of the light"

"We give our heads and our hearts to our country. One country, one language, one flag!"

"We go hard" (Brooklyn Nets slogan)

"We go together like biscuits and gravy"

"We go together like cocaine and waffles"

"We go together like Corona and lime"

"We got both kinds of music -- country and western"

"We had a candlelit dinner last night. Everything was extremely under-cooked"

"We had dinner and watched a movie together. Then the plane landed"

"We had random drug testing at work today. The pcp was my favorite"

"We have beers as cold as your ex's heart" (bar sign)

"We have deep depth"

"We have identified the domestic terrorists. They are the federal government"

"We have never found a cave painting of a salad"

"We have never seen a cave drawing of a salad. We eat meat!"

"We Have News for You" (Daily News headline after 1963 newspaper strike)

"We have nothing to fear but fear itself. Apart from pain. And maybe humiliation & obviously death"

"We have to dance until the music stops"

"We have to find the people who did this -- they need help!" (joke about liberals)

"We have to love our freedom more than we fear a germ"

"We have to pass the bill so that you can find out what is in it"

"We haven't the money, so we've got to think"

We Hide Outbreaks (World Health Organization or WHO nickname)

"We homeschool because we have seen the village and we don't want it raising our children"

"We invented Texas Hold 'em, but we can't play it here" (Kinky Friedman)

"We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it's fun to not be able to open that drawer"

"We know the location of the Big Apple, but do we know where the Minneapolis?"

"We Know the Neighborhood!" & "The Meat Supermarket" (Western Beef)

"We live in a society where the free thinking, open-minded people are called crazy..."

"We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended"

"We live in a time where smart people are silenced so that stupid people won't be offended"

"We live in a world where community service is a punishment"

"We live in a world where Lego has a label telling you not to eat it, but British food doesn't"

"We live in a world where smart people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended"

"We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police"

"We live in an age where smart people are silenced so that stupid people won't be offended"

"We live in an age where we have to prove to machines that we're not machines"

"We live in times where smart people are silenced so that stupid people won't be offended"

"We lose money on every sale, but make it up on volume"

"We Love NYC" or "We Love New York City" ("We *heart* NYC")

"We made too many wrong mistakes"

"We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give"

"We make money the old-fashioned way. We EARN it" (Smith Barney)

"We may not always win the game, but we always win the party"

"We Move New York" (TWU Local 100)

"We must all hang together, or most assuredly we shall all hang separately"

"We must never question the government, said no founding father, ever"

"We need the eggs" (joke)

"We need to have a 'Bring Your Wine to Work Day'" (BYWWD)

"We need to quit calling DC a swamp. A swamp is a place with an amazing ecosystem. DC is a sewer"

"We never knew he was drunk...until he showed up for work sober"

"We never stop working for you" (Verizon)

"We now live in a nation where doctors destroy health, lawyers destroy justice..."

"We only have two parties now -- patriots and traitors"

"We own the night" (Street Crimes Unit motto)

"We pay the doctor to make us better. But we should pay the farmer to keep us healthy"

"We pay the doctor to make us better when we should really be paying the farmer to keep us healthy"

We Piddle Around (Works Progress Administration or WPA nickname)

"We play today, we win today -- das it"

"We played like never before, and lost like always"

"We put an awful lot of trust in coffee cup handles"

"We reject the belief that we must be defenseless in order for you to feel safe"

"We repair what your husband fixed" (repair company slogan)

"We salt margaritas, not roads"

"We salt margaritas, not sidewalks"

"We serve soup to nuts" (restaurant joke)

"We shape our buildings, and afterwards our buildings shape us"

We Shoot Straight With You (Gun Barrel City motto)

"We should all be allowed to commit a crime since we’ve technically already served the time"

"We should dolphinately scale back on the fish puns"

"We should dolphinitely scale back on the fish puns"

"We should've seen communism's failure. In retrospect, there were a lot of red flags"

"We squint at the sun because it is bright. We squint at people because they are not"

"We squint at the sun because it's bright. We squint at people because they aren't"

"We squint at the sun because it's bright. We squint at people because they're not"

"We swim because we are too sexy for a sport that requires clothes"

"We take career advice from someone who went to college to be a guidance counselor"

"We thought it was our ability to love that made us human, but it turns out it was actually..."

"We trade real labor for fake money to pay fraudulent taxes on stuff we don't own"

"We trust banks with our money, but they don't trust us with their pens"

"We used to have a teacher called Miss Turtle. Strange looking woman, but she tortoise well"

"We used to have empires ruled by emperors and kingdoms ruled by kings..."

"We used to have village idiots, but with the internet, they've gone global"

"We used to live on a very busy main road.." (joke)

"We want a batter, not a broken ladder"

"We want a catcher, not belly scratcher"

"We want a pitcher, not a belly-itcher"

"We want a pitcher, not a glass of water"

"We want bread, but we want roses, too" (Bread and Roses strike)

"We were all once creampies"

"We were so poor when I was young, when we went to KFC we had to lick other people’s fingers"

"We will continue having lots of meetings until we find out why no work is getting done"

"We will continue having meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done"

"We will continue to have meetings until we find out why no work is getting done"

"We will serve no swine before its time" (low-and-slow cooking)

"We win as a team and we lose as a team" (teamwork adage)

"We would like to congratulate drugs for winning the war on drugs"

"We wuz robbed!" ("We was robbed!")

Weakly Standard (Weekly Standard nickname)

"Wealth: Income that is at least $100 more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband"

"Wealth is the ability to fully experience life"

"Wealth is what gives you the right to preach about the virtues of poverty"

"Wealth, wisdom, and work"

"Weaned on a pickle"

"Wear a mask and say a prayer because Jesus and germs are everywhere"

"Wear your mask at home. This is not to avoid the virus. It's to avoid the constant eating"

"Wearing a mask isn't a political statement. It's an IQ test"

"Weather Alert: If you only have liability insurance, please stay off the roads"

"Weather forecast for tonight: dark"

"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers"

Weatherconomist or Meteoronomist (meteorologist/weatherman + economist)

Web Foot State (Oregon nickname)

"Website: We use cookies to improve performance./Me: Same."

Webutante Ball (Prom for Tech Nerds)

"We'd all like to vote for the best man, but he's never a candidate"

Wedding Cake of the West Side (The Ansonia)

"Weddings are basically funerals with cake"

Wedge Issue

Wedgie (sandwich)

"Wednesday is Latin for 'almost Friday'"

"Wednesday is Latin for 'it's almost Friday'"

"Wednesday is like small Friday"

"Wednesday is like the middle finger of the week"

"Wednesday: not as depressing as Monday, not as exciting as Friday"

"Wednesday (noun): still not Friday"

"Wednesdays are like Mondays in the middle of the week!"

"Wednesdays are the middle finger of the week"

"Wednesdays will always bring smiles for the second half of the week"

Weed Candy

"Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless"

"Weekend Forecast: Mostly drunk with a chance of horny"

"Weekends used to feel like mini vacations. Now they feel like the minute boxers get"

"WEF backwards is FEW"

Wefense (we + defense/offense)

Wegmaniac (Wegmans + maniac)

"Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time"

"Weight loss goal: To be able to cut my toenails and breathe at the same time"

"Weight loss goal: To be able to paint my toenails and breathe at the same time"

"Weight loss mantra? Fat chants!"

"Weight loss pills stolen this morning -- police say suspects are still at large"

"Weight should be like virginity. Once you lose it, you can't get it back"

"Welcome April! Wishing you a wonderful month filled with love & happiness"

"Welcome Back" (Theme to "Welcome Back, Kotter") (1975)

"Welcome back to invisibility class. It's pretty disappointing to see so many of you here"

"Welcome is the best dish on the table"

"Welcome parents and students to orientation."/"Excuse me! I think we call it Asiantation now."

"Welcome to 2020. If you don’t already suffer from an anxiety disorder, one will be assigned"

"Welcome to 2030. I own nothing, have no privacy, and life has never been better"

"Welcome to Austin. Please don't move here (I hear Dallas is great!)"

"Welcome to Chocoholics Anonymous. Would anyone like to pick a Topic?"

"Welcome to college. Where every single person is smarter than you except for the 3 people..."

"Welcome to college, where everyone is smarter than you except the three people in your group"

"Welcome to Facebook. A person who does not understand humor will contact you shortly"

"Welcome to Facebook. If you're not already friends with a creepy stalker, one will be assigned"

"Welcome to growing older. Where all the foods and drinks you've loved for years suddenly seem determined to destroy you"

"Welcome to Howdy Arabia, home of Y’all Qaeda"

"Welcome to New York. Duck, Mother Fucker!"

Welcome to New York & New York Hello

"Welcome to New York. Now get out/Now go home" & "New York. It Ain't Kansas"

"Welcome to our ‘ool’. Notice there’s no ‘P’ in it. Let’s keep it that way"

"Welcome to quarantine. You’re gonna need bigger pants"

"Welcome to spring in Canada, where no matter what jacket you pick, you're wrong"

"Welcome to spring, where no matter what jacket you pick, you're wrong"

"Welcome to Texas. Beware of the Bull"

"Welcome to Texas -- Now Go Home" & "Beautify Texas -- Put a Yankee on a Bus" (bumper stickers)

"Welcome to Texas where 'Who made the tea?' means this tea is nasty"

"Welcome to the Karma Cafe. There are no menus ..."

"Welcome to the Shouting Club hotline. We’re currently experiencing very high call volumes"

"Welcome to the South where 'Who made the tea?' means this tea is nasty"

"Welcome to Twitter. Please stand by, someone will disagree with you shortly"

"Welcome to Twitter. A person who does not understand humor will contact you shortly"

"Welcome to Twitter! If you're not already followed by a stalker, one will be assigned to you"

Welfare Queen

Welfare-Warfare State (Warfare-Welfare State)

Welfare Wednesday (Food Stamp Friday)

Welfargee (welfare + refugee)

Welfarian (someone on welfare)

"Well at least I can pretend that the dark circles around my eyes are for Halloween"

"Well-behaved women rarely make decent margaritas"

"Well-behaved women rarely ever make history. Or a decent soufflé"

"Well-behaved women rarely make history. Or decent margaritas"

"Well, butter my buns and call me a biscuit"

"Well, Doctor, what have we got—a Republic or a Monarchy?” /“A Republic, if you can keep it"

Well Drink

"We'll give him a fair trial, then we'll hang him"

"Well, I'm a millennial, so my retirement plan is societal collapse"

"We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply"

"We'll sell you the whole seat, but you'll only need the edge" (Texas Thunder Speedway)

"Well slap me silly and call me Darlin', it's Friday!"

"Well slap my ass and call me a paycheck because I'm never enough"

"Well slap my ass and call me McDonald’s ice cream machine cause I am broke"

"Well, That Didn't Work: A Brief History of Socialism and Communism" (book title)

"Well, That Didn't Work: An Abbreviated History of Communism" (book title)

"Well, That Didn't Work: An Expansive Volume on the History of Government" (book title)

"We'll, we'll, we'll, if it isn't autocorrect"

"Well, well, well. Welcome to stutter class"

"Well what a fucking year this week has been"

Wells Fargone (Wells Fargo nickname)

Wells Fiasco (Wells Fargo nickname)

"Welp, paid rent. Now I got a place to starve to death"

"Went outside today. It was cold and there were people. Zero stars. Do not recommend"

"Went to a new restaurant called 'The Kitchen'. You have to make your own meal"

"Went to a restaurant called the Manhattan Project. It was not an Asian fusion restaurant. 1 Star"

"Went to the bathroom earlier and took a poo. Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now"

"Went to the bathroom without my phone... Just like my ancestors used to do"

"Went to the bathroom without my phone... Just like our ancestors used to do"

"We're all brave in our own way. For example, I am not afraid of raw cookie dough"

"We're all here because we're not all there" (recovery program joke)

"We're all in the same game, just different levels"

"We’re all just kids posing as professionals, counting the days until Friday"

"We're closed but still awesome" (store sign)

"We're doomed -- doomed, I tell you!"

"We’re fighting a billion dollar propaganda industry with memes. How cool is that?"

"We're from here" (Frost Bank slogan)

"We're glad to have you as our guest, And hope you have a good night's rest..." (poem)

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees"

"We're gonna have to retire the expression 'avoid it like the plague'..."

"We're Good For You" (Apple Bank)

"We're having a traditional Thanksgiving. Invite neighbors to dinner, murder them, take their land"

"We're Here For You, Texas" (Texas Mutual Insurance Company)

"We're here, we're queer, get used to it"

"We're just here to post shit we find funny. Please know if that offends you, we find that funny"

"We're just here to post stuff we find funny. Please know if that offends you, we find that funny"

"We’re just here to tweet stuff we find funny. Please know if that offends, we find that funny"

"We’re looking for someone who is responsible.." (joke).

"We're not born just to pay bills and die"

"We're not conspiracy theorists. We're the fucking resistance"

"'We're not forcing you,' they say. 'We're just taking away everything you need until you consent'"

"We're not from the left or right. We're from the bottom and we're coming for those on top"

"We're not strange. We're dramatically different"

"We're taking a bite out of the Big Apple tonight" (Blue's Big City Adventure film, 2022)

“We’re taking a bite out of the Big Apple tonight” (Blue’s Big City Adventure film, 2022)

"We're talking about a wonderful day when no one diets. Why else would they call it Thanksgiving?"

"We're Texas" (University of Texas at Austin)

"Were the exam questions difficult?"/"No, it was the answers that gave me trouble."

"We're the King of Beef" (Old Homestead)

"We're working to develop a university the football team can be proud of"

"We're working to develop a university the football team can be proud of"

"Were you married by a Justice of the Peace or the Secretary of War?" (joke)

Weslacoan (inhabitant of Weslaco)

West Broadway (pork and beans nickname)

West Indian Day Carnival; "Murder Day Parade"

"West of the Pecos there is no law; West of El Paso there is no God"

West Sider or Westsider

"West Texas Girls...don't wear lip gloss during a dust storm"

West Texas Rain (a sandstorm)

West Texas Sunset (cocktail)

West Virginia: Switzerland of America (nickname)

Westchester: Golden Apple (nickname)

Westchester: Wedge Sandwich

Western Sandwich (Denver Sandwich; Denver Omelet)

Western Wasabi (horseradish)

Westerned

Westoria (west + Astoria)

Westside Manhattan (cocktail)

"Wet as an otter's pocket" (very wet)

Wet Burrito (Burrito Enchilada Style)

Wet Coast (wet + west coast)

Wetback (Wet Back)

"Wetter than an otter's pocket" (very wet)

"We've all played dish drain jenga. Don't lie"

"We've been married so long we're on our second bottle of Tabasco"

"We’ve been married so long we’re on our second bottle of Worcestershire sauce"

"We've got hotels and motels and hostels, but no mostels"

"We've got ourselves a ball game"

"We've howdied, but we ain't shook"

"We’ve raised our standards, so up yours!"

"What do you call a dancing pig?"/"Shakin' bacon."

Whac-A-Mole Season

Whack Ass Queens or Whack Ass Queenz (Queens)

"Whack 'em and stack 'em" (hunting saying)

Whackage

Whaddya, Whaddya (Whaddaya, Whaddaya)

"Whale oil beef hooked" (How to speak Irish in one easy lesson)

Wham Bam Tram or A Streetcar Named Disaster (Houston's MetroRail)

Whammy Bar (vibrato for guitar)

"What's a dog's favorite city?"/"New Yorkie."

"What a house! Nothing but rooms!"

"What a teacher writes on the blackboard of life can never be erased"

"What a year this week has been"

"What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?"/"The letter G."

"What? And leave show business?" (joke)

"What animal can be found in the unemployment line?"/"The poorqueuepine."

"What are apricots?"/"Where monkeys sleep."

"What are 'derves'? I heard the whores love ‘em"

"What are lawyers good for?" (lawyer joke)

"What are murder hornets and how much toilet paper do we need to buy?"

"What are people who back into parking spots trying to prove?"

"What are Santa's favorite potato chips?"/"Crisp Pringles."

"What are the strongest days of the week?"/"Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."

"What are the two things you can't eat for breakfast?" (riddle)

"What are those things you blow to make a wish?"/"Sugar daddies."

"Why are two medians in a single data set funny?"/"Because it's a co-median."

"What are unhappy cranberries called?"/"Blueberries."

"What are you doing for others?"

"What are you doing out of jail?" (Thoreau's reply to Emerson?)

"What are you eating and how can I help? -- dogs"

What are you going to do about it?

"What are you waiting for? Christmas?"

"What are you when you can't decide on what pizza to get?"/"Indeslicesive."

"'What are your gym goals?' Me: Going"

"What athlete is warmest in winter?"/"A long jumper."

"What athlete is warmest in winter?"/"A long jumper."

"What baseball position do leprechauns usually play?"/"Shortstop."

"What baseball team do dentists root for?"/"The Yanks."

"What baseball team would a dentist play for?"/"The Yanks."

"What beef only comes in 2, 3, 5, 7, or 11 ounce portions?"/"Prime rib."

"What borders on stupidity?"/"Canada and Mexico."

"What bus sailed the ocean?"/"Colum-bus."

"What cake is as hard as a rock?"/"Marble cake."

"What came after the stone age and the bronze age?"/"The sausage."

"What came first, the taco or the Tuesday?"

"What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?" (lawyer joke)

"What can Brown do for you?" (United Parcel Serivce or UPS slogan)

"What can go wrong at a cookout will go wrong. Murphy's Slaw"

"What can the coronavirus do that the U.S. government can't?"/"Stop school shootings."

"What can you fold, but not crease?"/"A poker hand."

"What can you never eat for Thanksgiving dinner?"/"Breakfast or lunch."

"What can you serve but never eat?"/"A tennis ball."

"What causes poverty? Nothing. It's the original state, the default and starting point..."

"What cereal makes fun of you but doesn't mean it?"/"We tease."

"What cheese can you eat on Passover?"/"Matzahrella."

"What cheese can you eat on Passover?"/"Matzarella."

"What cheese can you eat on Passover?"/"Matzohrella."

"What cheese can you eat on Passover?"/"Matzorella."

"What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?"/"Camembert."

"What cheese has a bit of alcohol problem?"/"Livarot."

"What Chinese food is always eaten on Easter?"/"An egg roll."

"What Christmas carol is a favorite of parents?"/"Silent Night."

"What clothes does a house wear?"/"Address."

"What club do racist scientists join?"/"The Potassium Potassium Potassium."

"What color can you use to start your car?"/"Khaki"

"What comes after morning coffee? Afternoon coffee"

"What comes easy won't last; what lasts won't come easy"

"What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?"

"What could we accomplish if we knew we could not fail?"

"What country doesn’t take cash or credit?"/"The Czech Republic."

"What crisps are named after an Arab ruler?"/"Sultan Vinegar." (salt & vinegar)

"What date is also a command?"/"March fourth."

"What day comes after Black Friday?"/"Black Sabbath."

"What day does an Easter egg hate the most?"/"Fry-day."

"What degree do you need to write parking tickets?"/"Fine arts."

"What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?"/"It's Christmas, Eve."

"What did Adam say on the day before New Year's?"/"Happy New Year's, Eve."

"What did Adam say on the day before New Year's?"/"It's New Year's, Eve."

"What did Bacon say to Tomato?"/"Lettuce get together."

"What did everyone eat at the picnics where everything went wrong? Murphy’s slaw"

"What did I get for Christmas? Fat. I got fat"

"What did my parents do before the Internet?" (joke)

"What did one Christmas tree say to another?"/"Lighten up!"

"What did one depressed rabbit say to the other?"/"Do you even carrot all?"

"What did one device say to the other?"/"Are you syncing what I'm syncing?"

"What did one Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer?"/"Cool ranch!"

"What did one elevator say to the other?"/"I think I'm coming down with something!"

"What did one fish say to the other fish?"/"Keep your mouth shut and you won't get caught."

"What did one frog say to the other?"/"Time's sure fun when you're having flies."

"What did one hash brownie say to the other?"/"We're so baked."

"What did one Irish ghost say to the other?"/"Top o' the moaning!"

"What did one keyboard say to the other keyboard?"/"Sorry, you're not my type."

"What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer?"/"We are both lawyers!"

"What did one leftover say to the other?"/"Foiled again!"

"What did one loaf of bread say to the other?"/"Weirdo."

"What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?"/"I'm a cashew."

"What did one oar say to the other?"/"Are you up for a little row-mance?"

"What did one painkiller say to the other?"/"You're what I'm aspirin to be."

"What did one pickle say to the other on Valentine's Day?"/"You mean a great dill to me."

"What did one plate say to the other?"/"Lunch is on me."

"What did one potato chip say to the other?"/"Shall we go for a dip?"

"What did one raindrop say to the other?"/"Two's company, three's a cloud."

"What did one strawberry say to the other?" (joke)

"What did one traffic light say to the other traffic light?" (joke)

"What did one vegan say to the other vegan?"/"We have to stop meating like this."

"What did one vegetarian spy say to the other vegetarian spy?"/"We have to stop meating like this."

"What did one wall say to the other wall?"/"Meet me at the corner."

"What did one worm say to another?"/"I know a restaurant where we can eat dirt cheap."

"What did one worm say to the other?"/"I'm moving to the Big Apple!"

"What did one worm say to the other?"/"I'm moving to the Big Apple!"

"What did Osama Bin Laden cook on Iron Chef?"/"Big Apple Crumble."

"What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he looked out the window?"/"Looks like rain, dear."

"What did Santa say when he long castled in chess?"/"O-O-O."

"What did Simba (The Lion King) order for brunch?"/"A tuna frittata."

"What did socialists use before candles? Electricity" (joke)

"What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who killed his wife?"/"Nothing, he's Gladiator."

"What did St. Patrick say to the snakes?"/"He told them to 'hiss off!'"

"What did the acorn say when it grew up?" (math joke)

"What did the apple say to the apple pie?"/"You've got some crust."

"What did the apple skin say to the apple?"/"I've got you covered."

"What did the Asian parents tell their child? 'You're an A-sian, not a B-sian'"

"What did the Asian parents tell their child? 'You're an Asian, not a Bsian'"

"What did the assassin do when he was hungry?"/"The assassinate."

"What did the astronaut cook for lunch?"/"An unidentified frying object."

"What did the astronaut see on his skillet?"/"Unidentified frying objects."

"What did the astronaut see on the stove?"/"An unidentified frying object."

"What did the baby corn say to its mom?"/"Where's my pop corn?"

"What did the bacon say to the sandwich?"/"See you in the club!"

"What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?"/"COOOOOAAAAALLLLLLLLL!"

"What did the baseball glove say to the baseball?"/"Catch you later!"

"What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?"/"You're too young to smoke."

"What did the book tell the highlighter?"/"Mark my words!"

"What did the bottle write on the postcard?"/"Wish you were beer!"

"What did the bowling vegetable get on that last frame?"/"A spare, I guess."

"What did the bowling vegetable get on that last frame?"/"A spare, I guess."

"What did the boy scout say when he fixed the car horn?"/"Beep repaired."

"What did the bread say to the butter?/'You’re my butter half.'"

"What did the broccoli say to the getaway driver?"/"Floret."

"What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?"/"Bison!"

"What did the bunny say when he had only thistles to eat?"/"Thistle have to do!"

"What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?"/"He wiped his ass."

"What did the cannibal eat at the Chinese restaurant?"/"Chow Man."

"What did the cat say when he lost all his money?"/"I'm paw!"

"What did the cat say when he lost all his money?"/"I'm paw!"

"What did the cauliflower bank robber say to the broccoli getaway driver?"/"Floret."

"What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?"/"Halloumi!"

"What did the chemist have for lunch? A Pb and J sandwich! And then he died of lead poisoning"

"What did the chicken do when she saw a bucket of fried chicken?"/"She kicked the bucket!"

"What did the chocolate sauce say to the ice cream?"/"I'm sweet on you!"

"What did the Christmas tree say to the light bulb when it was sad?"/"Lighten up!"

"What did the clock say to the other clock?"/"Nice tocking to ya."

"What did the clock say to the wristwatch?"/"I enjoyed tocking with you..."

"What did the cold and angry man have for dinner?"/"A BrrrrGrrrrr."

"What did the college football player get on his SATs?"/"Drool"

"What did the complementary angle say to the isosceles triangle?"/"Nice legs."

"What did the curtain say to the floor?"/"Stop looking under my skirt!"

"What did the curtain say to the window?"/"I've got you covered."

"What did the cute Starburst say to the Mars Bar?"/"Going my Milky Way?"

"What did the deer forget when trying to make pizza?"/"The doe."

"What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?"/"Look grandpa! No hands!"

"What did the digital clock say to the analog clock?"/"Look, no hands!"

"What did the dog get when he graduated from school?"/"A pedigree."

"What did the Dorito say to the cowboy?"/"Cool ranch."

"What did the egg say when it got turned up?"/"Om lit."

"What did the farmer give his wife for Valentine's Day?"/"Hogs and kisses."

"What did the fisherman say to the magician?"/"Pick a cod, any cod."

"What did the full glass of water say to the empty glass?"/"You look drunk."

"What did the full glass say to the empty glass?"/"You look drunk!"

"What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his exams?" (joke)

"What did the garlic dip say to the French fries?"/"Aioli have eyes for you."

"What did the ghost teacher say to her class?"/"Watch the board and I'll go through it again!"

"What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?"/"A cookie sheet."

"What did the grape say when it was crushed?" (joke)

"What did the grape say to the peanut butter?"/"'Tis the season to be jelly."

"What did the green grape say to the purple grape?"/"Breathe!"

"What did the hamburger say when it pleaded 'not guilty'?"/"I've been flamed!"

"What did the hot dog say when he crossed the finish line?"/"I'm the wiener!"

"What did the hot dog vendor say at the World Trade Center?" (joke)

"What did the hotel manager say to the elephant that couldn't pay his bill?"/"Pack your trunk!"

"What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?" (joke)

"What did the hurricane say to the other hurricane?"/"I've got my eye on you!"

"What did the husband do after forgetting his wife's birthday?"/"Cauliflower shop!"

"What did the intergalactic cookie say to the other intergalactic cookie?"/"Beam me up biscotti."

"What did the internet connection say as it went to the toilet?"/"IP."

"What did the iPhone eat for breakfast?"/"Siri-al."

"What did the Italian say after he ate an eel pizza?"/"That's a moray."

"What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?"/"Supplies!"

"What did the Jedi order at the Italian restaurant?"/"Only one cannoli."

"What did the leprechaun do for a living?"/"He was a short-order cook."

"What did the lettuce say to the celery?"/"Quit stalking me!"

"What did the light house keeper do when he lost his job?" (joke)

"What did the little champagne bottle call his father?"/"Pop!"

"What did the mama cow say to the baby cow?"/"It's pasture bedtime."

"What did the man ask the Jamaican chef?"/"What Jamaican?"

"What did the melon say when his lawn looked dry?"/"Guess it's time to watermalawn."

"What did the mom coffee bean say to the kid coffee bean?"/"You're grounded."

"What did the monkey say after he got his tail in a lawn mower?"/"It won't be long now."

"What did the monkey say after he got his tail in a revolving door?"/"It won't be long now."

"What did the monster say to the Thanksgiving turkey?"/"Pleased to eat you."

"What did the mouse say to the keyboard?"/"You're just my type."

"What did the noodle say when leaving the room?"/"Pasta la vista, baby!"

"What did the painter say to the wall?"/"One more crack and I'll plaster you!"

"What did the pancake say to the baseball player?"/"Batter up!"

"What did the pancake say to the baseball player?"/"Batter up!"

"What did the paper say to the pencil?"/"Right on!"

"What did the paper say to the pencil?"/"Write on!"

"What did the paper say to the pencil?"/"You've got a good point."

"What did the penguin's lawyer say?"/"Your honor, my client is CLEARLY not a flight risk."

"What did the Pilgrims use to bake cakes?"/"May-flour."

"What did the potato chip say to the battery?"/"If you're Eveready, I'm Frito-Lay."

"What did the rabbit say to the carrot?"/"It’s been nice gnawing you."

"What did the real estate agent say to the other agent?"/"‘House’ it going?"

"What did the right knee say to the left knee?"/"Hi, felony!"

"What did the Romaine Catholic say?"/"Lettuce pray."

"What did the router say to the doctor?"/"It hurts when IP."

"What did the salt say to the pepper?"/"Hey. what's shaking?"

"What did the salt say to the pepper?"/"Season's greetings."

"What did the sandwich say to the doorman?"/"Please lettuce in."

"What did the sandwich say to the doorman?"/"Please lettuce in."

"What did the Scotsman say when he didn’t have money for his hors d’oeuvre bill?"/“I canape."

"What did the shark bring to the party?"/"A sharkuterie board."

"What did the sheep say to the shepherd?"/"Season's bleatings!"

"What did the shoe say to the gum?"/"Stick with me and we'll go places."

"What did the sleepy dragon order at the fancy steakhouse?"/"Flaming yawn."

"What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot?"/"Get out of my face."

"What did the sound engineer say on his last day of work?"/"Audios."

"What did the spaghetti say to the other spaghetti?"/"Pasta la vista, baby!"

"What did the suicide bomber teacher say to his students?"/"I'm only going to show this once."

"What did the sushi say to the bee?"/"Wasabi."

"What did the tectonic plates have for breakfast?"/"Panquakes."

"What did the Terminator say after he got his coffee?"/"Hasta barista, baby."

"What did the tired artist say?"/"I'm all drawn out."

"What did the toast say to the butter on Valentine's Day?"/"'You're my butter half.'"

"What did the tornado say to the car?"/"You wanna go for a spin?"

"What did the tree say after a long winter?"/"What a re-leaf!"

"What did the triangle say to the circle?"/"You’re pointless!"

"What did the turkey say before it was roasted?"/"Boy! I'm stuffed!"

"What did the turkey say to the computer?"/"Google, google!"

"What did the TV do at the beach?"/"Channel surf."

"What did the TV say to the remote?"/"You turn me on."

"What did the twice-baked potato say before it was put in the oven?"/"Damn, foiled again!"

"What did the whip cream say to Indiana Jones?"/"Cool Whip."

"What did the wicked chicken lay?"/"Deviled eggs."

"What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?"/"She witch-hiked."

"What did the worm say when he fell in a plate of spaghetti?"/"Orgy!"

"What did the young pancake say to the old one?"/"I don't like your flip side."

"What did they call the canary that flew into the pastry dish?"/"Tweetie Pie."

"What difference does it make?"

"What dinosaur loves pancakes?"/"A tri-syrup-tops."

"What disease did 'cured ham' actually have?" (joke)

"What do a lawyer and a sperm cell have in common?" (lawyer joke)

"What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?"/"Depreciation."

"What do astronauts use to stay warm?"/"A space heater."

"What do baby mathematicians drink?"/"Formula."

"What do birds give out on Halloween?"/"Tweets."

"What do birds give to trick-or-treaters?"/"Tweets."

"What do birds say on Halloween?"/"Trick or tweet."

"What do birds say on Halloween?"/"Twick or tweet."

"What do calendars eat?"/"Dates."

"What do call something that is average at making egg whites?"/"A medi-yolker."

"What do camels eat to help them fall asleep?"/"Camel meals."

"What do Canadians say when they see a large amount of coffee?"/"That’s a lot, eh."

"What do cannibals eat for breakfast?"/"Buttered host."

"What do cannibals eat to freshen their breath?"/"Men toes."

"What do cannibals put in their soup?"/"Ramen."

"What do cars do at the disco?"/"Brake dance."

"What do cars put on their toast?"/"Traffic jam."

"What do cat actors say on stage?"/"Tabby or not tabby!"

"What do cats read in the morning?"/"Mewspapers."

"What do cheap hotels and skinny jeans have in common?"/"No ballroom."

"What do cloves use for money?"/"Garlic bread."

"What do clowns eat for breakfast?"/"Amuesli."

"What do comedians eat for breakfast?"/"Amuseli."

"What do comedians eat for breakfast?"/"Corny flakes."

"What do cowboys use to move from state to state?"/"Yee-Hauls."

"What do cows eat for breakfast?"/"Moosli."

"What do cows get when they do all their chores?"/"Mooney."

"What do cows like to listen to?"/"Moo-sic!"

"What do crows drink in the morning?"/"Cawfee."

"What do dads eat for breakfast?"/"Pop tarts."

"What do democracy and football have in common?"/"Adding the word 'American' changes the meaning."

"What do dogs do after they finish obedience school?"/"They get their masters."

"What do Dominicans say when they lose their phone?"/"Where did Mofongo?"

"What do drugs have in common with cheese jokes? I don't know, I just like meth and feta memes"

"What do ducks eat for breakfast?"/"Quacker Oats."

"What do dyslexic zombies eat?"/"Brians."

"What do earthquakes have for breakfast?"/"Panquakes."

"What do eggs do for fun?"/"Karayolke."

"What do elves do after school?"/"Gnomework."

"What do farmers use to make crop circles?"/"A protractor."

"What do fish need to stay healthy?"/"Vitamin Sea."

"What do frogs drink?"/"Hot croako."

"What do German pilots eat for breakfast?"/"Luftwaffles."

"What do ghosts drink?"/"Ghoul-Aid."

"What do ghosts eat for breakfast?"/"Dreaded wheat."

"What do ghosts eat for breakfast?"/"Ghost Toasties."

"What do ghosts eat for breakfast?"/"Scream of Wheat."

"What do ghosts eat for dessert?"/"I scream (ice scream)."

"What do ghosts eat for dinner?"/"Ghoulash."

"What do ghosts eat for lunch?"/"Boo-logna sandwiches."

"What do ghosts eat for lunch?"/"Spookghetti."

"What do ghosts put on their bagels?"/"Scream cheese."

"What do ghosts put on their mashed potatoes?"/"Grave-y."

"What do ghosts read at a concert?"/"Sheet music."

"What do gingerbread men use when they break their legs?"/"Candy canes."

"What do hillbillies drink out of?"/"Hiccups."

"What do hipster chemists have for breakfast?"/"Avogadro toast."

"What do history teachers make when they want to get together?"/"Dates."

"What do I know about bonsai trees? Very little"

"What do iPhones eat for breakfast?"/"Siri-al."

"What do Irish taxi drivers eat?"/"Corned beef and cab-bage."

"What do Italians eat on Halloween?"/"Fettuccine Afraid-o."

"What do jokesters eat for breakfast?"/"Pun-cakes."

"What do judges like to snack on?"/"Trial mix."

"What do juries eat when on break?"/"Trial mix."

"What do lawyers do after they die?"/"They lie still."

"What do lawyers eat for a snack?"/"Trial mix."

"What do lawyers wear to court?"/"Law suits."

"What do leprechauns love to barbecue?"/"Short ribs."

"What do librarians take with them when they go fishing?"/"Bookworms."

"What do librarians use for bait when they go fishing?"/"Bookworms."

"What do Lincoln and an '80s sitcom have in common?"/"Both were shot before a live audience."

"What do little ghosts drink?"/"Evaporated milk."

"What do math teachers call retirement?"/"The 'aftermath.'"

"What do math teachers do on Thanksgiving?"/"Count their blessings"

"What do Mexicans eat on the beach?"/"Buried toes."

"What do Mexicans use to cut their pizza?"/"Little Caesars."

"What do Mexicans use to cut their pizza?"/"Little Caesars."

"What do millennial chemists eat for breakfast?"/"Avogadro toast."

"What do penguin waiters say?"/"Waddle it be?"

"What do plantains say when they lose their phone?"/"Where did Mofongo?"

"What do plátanos say when they lose their phones?"/"Where did Mofongo?"

"What do politicians and porn stars have in common?"/"They’re experts at switching positions."

"What do programmers and cats have in common?" (joke)

"What do prostitutes eat before dinner?"/"Whore derves."

"What do pro-vaxxers and anti-vaxxers have in common?"/"They'll never be fully vaccinated."

"What do race horses eat?"/"Fast food."

"What do race horses eat?"/"Fast food."

"What do ramen noodles and ketchup taste like together?"/"Poverty."

"What do rednecks do on Halloween?"/"Pump kin."

"What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?"/"Horn-aments."

"What do runners eat before a race?"/"Nothing, they fast."

"What do Santa's elves learn at school?"/"The elfabet."

"What do sea monsters eat?"/"Fish and ships."

"What do seismologists eat for breakfast?"/"Panquakes and shakin'."

"What do sharks serve their guests at parties?"/"A sharkcuterie."

"What do shrimp watch when they're horny?"/"Prawnography."

"What do skeletons say before they begin dining?"/"Bone appétit."

"What do snowmen call their offspring?"/"Chill-dren."

"What do snowmen call their kids?"/"Chill-dren."

"What do snowmen eat for breakfast?"/"Frosted Flakes."

"What do snowmen wear on their heads?"/"Ice caps."

"What do songwriters compose in bed?"/"Sheet music."

"What do Spanish clocks say?"/"Tick taco."

"What do sprinters eat before a race?"/"Nothing, they fast."

"What do spuds use to modify their body?"/"Potattoos."

"What do sweet potatoes wear to bed?"/"Their yammies."

"What do taxi drivers eat?"/"Cabbage."

"What do the teeth pay their lawyer?"/"Retainer fee!"

"What do Thanksgiving and Halloween have in common?"/"One has gobblers, the other goblins."

"What do the New York Rangers and the Titanic have in common?" (hockey joke)

"What do the New York Yankees and pancakes have in common?"/"They both need a good batter!"

"What do the New York Yankees and pancakes have in common?"/"They both need a good batter!"

"What do the vaccinated and unvaccinated have in common?"/"Neither will ever be fully vaccinated."

"What do the Washington Metro system and the Little Mermaid have in common?" (joke)

"What do they call Chamomile tea in Europe?"/"Chamokilometer."

"What do they call Chinese food in China?"

"What do they call employee of the month at the crematorium?"/"Top urner."

"What did they call the loudest knight of all?"/"Sir Roundsound."

"What do they call a turducken in Russia?"/"Russian nesting fowls."

"What do they drink in the southern suburbs?"/"Subourbon!"

"What do they have for breakfast in earthquake zones?"/"Panquakes."

"What do they say in Paris, TX?"/"Oui-haw!"

"What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party?"/"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"What do they teach you in pre-K?"/"The first 10 letters."

"What do tired line dancers do?"/"They line down."

"What do transgenders put on their salad?"/"Crossdressing."

"What do turkeys have to be thankful for on Thanksgiving?"/"Vegetarians."

"What do two communists have in common?"/"Everything."

"What do you call a sad strawberry?"/"A blueberry."

"What do vampires play poker for?"/"High stakes."

"What do vegans and vampires have in common?"/"They both hate stakes."

"What do vegans say at Christmas?"/"Soy to the world!"

"What do vegans say during sex?"/"Artichoke me."

"What do we want?"/ "A box of chocolates."/ "When do we want it?"/ "After eight."

"What do we want?"/ "A cure for chocolate addiction."/ "When do we want it?"/ "After eight."

"What do we want?"/"Hearing aids!"/"When do we want them?"/"HEARING AIDS!"

"What do we want? LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES!" (joke)

"What do we want?"/"Time travel!"/"When do we want it?"/"It's irrelevant!"

"What do whores and Walmart have in common?" (NSFW joke)

"What do witches ask for at a hotel?"/"Broom service."

"What do witches use on their hair?"/"Scare spray."

"What do you buy the web designer who has everything?"/"Gif vouchers."

"What do you call 12 enchiladas?"/"A footilada."

"What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account?"/"Prime mates."

"What do you call 2 witches sharing an apartment?"/"Broomates."

"What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving?"/"Skeet."

"What do you call 20 parachuting lawyers?"/"Skeet."

"What do you call 500 lawyers on the bottom of the ocean? A good start." (lawyer joke)

"What do you call 52 pieces of bread?"/"A deck of carbs."

"What do you call 52 slices of bread?"/"A deck of carbs."

"What do you call 6.02 * 10^23 butts?"/"Molasses."

"What do you call a $1,000 door?"/"A grand entrance."

"What do you call a baby dump truck?"/"A dumpling."

"What do you call a bad salad dressing?"/"Vineregret."

"What do you call a baker with a cold?"/"Coughee cake."

"What do you call a baker with a cold?"/"Coughy cake."

"What do you call a bakery staffed entirely by men?"/"A pastryarchy."

"What do you call a BBQ pun?"/"A meataphor."

"What do you call a bean that was previously famous?"/"A 'has bean.'"

"What do you call a bean that’s not cool anymore?"/"A has-bean."

"What do you call a bear with no teeth?"/"A gummy bear."

"What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?"/"A tattoo."

"What do you call a bird that’s doing its best at geometry?"/"A trying gull."

"What do you call a bird who drinks too much?"/"An owlcoholic."

"What do you call a black man flying a plane?"/"A pilot, you racist!"

"What do you call a blind racist?"/"A not-see."

"What do you call a block of cheese that hasn't been shredded?"/"Ungrateful."

"What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?"/"Branch Manager."

"What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?"/"Branch Manager."

"What do you call a boat carrying vodka, penises and potatoes?"/"An Absolut dick tater ship."

"What do you call a bodybuilder with a big dick?"/"A beginner."

"What do you call a bodybuilder with a big penis?"/"A beginner."

"What do you call a bodybuilder with a large penis?"/"A beginner."

"What do you call a bodybuilder with big balls?"/"A beginner."

"What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?"/"Church."

"What do you call a book written in prison?"/"Context."

"What do you call a bookworm who gets eaten by a cannibal?"/"Reader's Digest."

"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?"/"A stick."

"What do you call a bouncer at a gay bar?"/"A flamethrower."

"What do you call a broken angle?"/"A REKTangle."

"What do you call a broken angle?"/"A wrecked angle."

"What do you call a broken square?"/"A REKTangle."

"What do you call a broken square?"/"A wrecked angle."

"What do you call a Buddhist potato?"/"A chipmonk."

"What do you call a Buddhist potato?"/"A medi-tater."

"What do you call a building filled with guitar players?"/"Jail."

"What do you call a building full of guitarists?"/"Jail."

"What do you call a building full of guitarists?"/"Prison."

"What do you call a bunch of bad chemistry students?"/"Molasses."

"What do you call a bunch of bad chemistry students?"/"Molasses."

"What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?"/"The NBA."

"What do you call a Cajun who never tells the truth?"/"Jumbolaya."

"What do you call a calculator that works instantly?"/"Calcunow."

"What do you call a car that's covered in leaves?"/"An autumnobile."

"What do you call a carnivorous weatherman?"/"A meat-eater-ologist."

"What do you call a cat that eats lemons?"/"A sourpuss."

"What do you call a cautious potato?/"A hesitater."

"What do you call a ceiling bill that makes you pass out?"/"A roof fee!"

"What do you call a cheap vampire?"/"Discount Dracula."

"What do you call a cheese that refuses to go on pasta?"/"Ungrateful."

"What do you call a chef under stress?"/"A pressure cooker."

"What do you call a Chicago Cubs player with a World Series ring?"/"A thief."

"What do you call a chicken crossing the road?"/"Poultry in motion."

"What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?"/"Chicken sees a salad."

"What do you call a chicken that calculates how long it will take to cross the road?" (riddle)

"What do you call a chicken who loves math?"/"A mathemachicken"

"What do you call a chicken with a bad sunburn?"/"Fried chicken."

"What do you call a Chinese billionaire?"/"Cha Ching."

"What do you call a Chinese crab?"/"A crust-asian."

"What do you call a cinnamon bun that does well in school?"/"An honor roll."

"What do you call a cinnamon bun that does well in school?"/"An honor roll."

"What do you call a circle of $100 bills?"/"Aretha Franklins."

"What do you call a clock's signature?"/"It's John Hanclock."

"What do you call a clock's signature?"/"It's John Hanclock."

"What do you call a clumsy Irish dance?"/"A jig mistake."

"What do you call a coffee with an old friend?"/"A catchupino."

"What do you call a cold burrito?"/"A brrrrrrito."

"What do you call a cold cucumber?"/"A cucumbrrr."

"What do you call a cold puppy sitting on a rabbit?"/"A chili dog on a bun."

"What do you call a communist pirate ship?"/"The USS-ARRR."

"What do you call a Communist sniper?"/"A Marxman."

"What do you call a competition between lawyers?"/"A tourney at law."

"What do you call a computer mouse that swears?"/"A cursor."

"What do you call a cook who becomes a lawyer?"/"A sue chef."

"What do you call a cough that attracts a lot of attention?"/"Phlegm-boyant."

"What do you call a couple of asses in an asparagus patch?"/"Ass pair I guess."

"What do you call a coupon-using vampire?"/"Discount."

"What do you call a cow during an earthquake?"/"A milk shake."

"What do you call a cow in a tornado?"/"A milk shake."

"What do you call a cow on a trampoline?"/"A milk shake."

"What do you call a cow on stilts?"/"Raising the steaks."

"What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk?"/"A milk dud."

"What do you call a cow that just gave birth?"/"Decaffeinated."

"What do you call a cow with a stutter that makes chocolate milk?"/"Cacao."

"What do you call a cow with a twitch?"/"Beef jerky."

"What do you call a cow with five legs?"/"Rare."

"What do you call a cow with no legs?"/"Ground beef."

"What do you call a cow with no legs?"/"Crippled."

"What do you call a cow with one leg?"/"Steak."

"What do you call a cow with three legs?"/"Lean beef."

"What do you call a cow with three legs?"/"Tri-tip."

"What do you call a cow with two legs?"/"Your mom."

"What do you call a crazy chicken?"/"A cuckoo cluck."

"What do you call a crazy judge?"/"Judge-mental."

"What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?"/"An alley gator."

"What do you call a crocodile that loves guacamole?"/"A guacodile!"

"What do you call a cross-dressing bellhop?"/"A trans-porter."

"What do you call a cucumber that can't make up it's mind?"/"Fickle."

"What do you call a curd that's been asked a lot of questions?"/"A grilled cheese."

"What do you call a dad who's fallen through the ice?"/"A popsicle."

"What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much?"/"A beer-a-cuda."

"What do you call a day old pastry?"/"Yesterdanish."

"What do you call a deer that eats pickles?"/"A dill doe."

"What do you call a dental X-ray?"/"A tooth-pic."

"What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea?"/"Denis."

"What do you call a depressed cow?"/"An emoo."

"What do you call a depressed salami?"/"Pepper-ennui."

"What do you call a dinosaur made of glass?"/"A Py-rex."

"What do you a call a dinosaur that drinks tea?"/"A Tea-rex."

"What do you call a dinosaur that teaches preschool?"/"A Montessaurus."

"What do you call a dinosaur who is easy to clean, heat resistant and long lasting?"/"Py-rex."

"What do you call a diseased Irish criminal?"/"A leper-con."

"What do you call a disobedient kid who doesn't believe in Santa?"/"A rebel without a Claus."

"What do you call a Djinn with powers over pasta?"/"A Fettugenie."

"What do you call a doctor who is on call 24/7?"/"An oncologist."

"What do you call a documentary about trombones?"/"A slide show."

"What do you call a domestic animal you keep in your vehicle?"/"Carpet."

"What do you call a Drosophila who likes to drink?"/" A bar fly."

"What do you call a drummer with half a brain?"/"Gifted."

"What do you call a drunk wall?"/"Plastered."

"What do you call a drunk blonde?"/"A taxi."

"What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?"/"A Lyft."

"What do you call a drunk humanitarian?"/"A philanthroPISSED."

"What do you call a drunk person trying to unlock their car?"/"An Uber."

"What do you call a drunk wall?"/"Plastered."

"What do you call a dying airport computer?"/"A terminal terminal terminal."

"What do you call a fake koi fish?"/"A dekoi."

"What do you call a fake potato?"/"An imitater."

"What do you call a fancy hotel that is hard to find?"/"The Waldo Astoria."

"What do you call a farm that sells chickens and pigs?"/"A chicken bacon ranch."

"What do you call a farmer in the army?"/"E.I. G.I. Joe."

"What do you call a fart in bed?"/"Sheet music!"

"What do you call a fast escalator?"/"An escasooner."

"What do you call a fat jack-o'-lantern?"/"A plumpkin."

"What do you call a fat psychic?"/"A four-chin teller."

"What do you call a female papaya?"/"Mamaya."

"What do you call a feminist government?"/"A dick-hater-ship."

"What do you call a fireman who lost his job?"/"A firedman."

"What do you call a fish made of 2 sodium atoms?"/"2Na."

"What do you call a flying monkey?"/"A hot air baboon."

"What do you call a frog spy?"/"A croak and dagger agent."

"What do you call a frozen dog?"/"A pupsicle."

"What do you call a fungi that loves to gossip?"/"A shit-talky mushroom."

"What do you call a funny fortune cookie?"/"An inside joke."

"What do you call a funny jar of mayonnaise?"/"LMAYO."

"What do you call a game where Germans throw bread at each other?"/"Gluten tag."

"What do you call a gang of 19 crows?"/"Corvid-19."

"What do you call a gang of ghosts?"/"A hauntourage."

"What do you call a gay barista?"/"A Coffee Grindr."

"What do you call a gay French bread?" (NSFW riddle)

"What do you call a gay milkman?"/"A dairy queen."

"What do you call a genetically engineered cow?"/"A mootant."

"What do you call a ghost at a hotel?"/"An inn spectre."

"What do you call a ghost who runs his own business?"/"A hauntrepreneur."

"What do you call a girl who sets fire to her credit card statements?"/"Bernadette."

"What do you call a girl who stands in the middle of a tennis court?"/"Annette."

"What do you call a girl who works in a sunbed shop?"/"Tanya."

"What do you call a go-go dancing pig?"/"Shakin' bacon."

"What do you call a grammar Nazi?"/"A corrections officer."

"What do you call a group of millionaires watching the World Series?" (joke)

"What do you call a group of musicians who stole all of their instruments?"/"Bandits."

"What do you call a group of pirate ships?"/"An Arrrrrmada!"

"What do you call a group of racist pigeons and chickens?"/"The Coo Clucks Clan."

"What do you call a group of whales playing instruments?"/"An orca-stra."

"What do you call a group of Jewish cows?"/"Filet Minyan."

"What do you call a guitar player who only knows two chords?"/"A music critic."

"What do you call a guy in a soup pot?"/"Stu."

"What do you call a guy in debt?"/"Owen."

"What do you call a guy pouring water into a glass?"/"Phil."

"What do you call a hairy pumpkin?"/"A Sas-squash."

"What do you call a handsome avocado?"/"Guapomole."

"What do you call a happy cowboy?"/"A jolly rancher."

"What do you call a haunted chicken?"/"A poultry-geist."

"What do you call a helpful potato?"/"A facilitater."

"What do you call a hen who counts her eggs?"/"A mathemachicken!"

"What do you call a herd of masturbating cows?"/"Beef Stroganoff."

"What do you call a high-priced barber shop?"/"A clip joint."

"What do you call a homeless woodwind?"/"A hoboe."

"What do you call a hotel that offers a breakfast of Eggs Benedict?"/"A Hollandaise Inn."

"What do you call a hotel breakfast that gives you diarrhea?"/"Incontinental."

"What do you call a housekeeper who is an anti-vaxxer?"/"Mrs. Doubtpfizer."

"What do you call a judge with no fingers?"/"Justice Thumbs."

"What do you call a judge with no thumbs?"/"Justice Fingers."

"What do you call a juice with no ice?"/"Ju."

"What do you call a juice without ice?"/"Ju."

"What do you call a kangaroo that always asks for more soup?"/"A moresoupial!"

"What do you call a kangaroo who's starred in Oliver Twist?"/"A more-soup-ial."

"What do you call a Karen on Halloween?"/"A trigger treater."

"What do you call a killing before yoga practice?"/"A pre-meditated murder."

"What do you call a large Louisianan who never tells the truth?"/"A jambalaya."

"What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise?"/"LMAYO."

"What do you call a laughing motorcycle?"/"A Yamahahahahaha."

"What do you call a laughing piano?"/"A Yamahahahahaha."

"What do you call a laundromat for pigs?"/"Hogwash."

"What do you call a lawyer that knows karate?"/"Chop suey!"

"What do you call a lawyer who becomes a cook?"/"A sue chef."

"What do you call a lawyer who brews coffee?"/"A barristar."

"What do you call a lawyer who brews coffee?"/"A barristar."

"What do you call a lawyer who does karate?"/"Chop suey!"

"What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?"/"Your Honor" (lawyer joke)

"What do you call a leprechaun’s vacation home?"/"A lepre-condo."

"What do you call a levitating monk?"/"An air friar."

"What do you call a line dancer on a cruise?"/"An ocean liner."

"What do you call a loaf of bread when you cut off both ends?"/" Endless bread!"

"What do you call a mad nut?"/"A pistachio."

"What do you call a magician who has lost his magic?"/"Ian."

"What do you call a magician who's good at cooking?"/"A sauceror."

"What do you call a manager at a soup restaurant?"/"Stew. He’s the soupervisor."

"What do you call a Marine with an IQ of 160?"/"A platoon."

"What do you call a matador who gets trampled? A dor mat"

"What do you call a math balled?"/"A musical number."

"What do you call a mean vegetable?"/"A rudeabaga."

"What do you call a melancholy robot?"/"A sigh-borg."

"What do you call a Mexican drowning in mayonnaise?"/"Sinko de Mayo."

"What do you call a microbiologist in an orchestra?"/"A cell-ist."

"What do you call a midget on the subway?"/"A metro gnome."

"What do you call a mischievous egg?"/"A practical yolker."

"What do you call a monk riding in a hot air balloon?"/"An air friar."

"What do you call a mouse that swears?"/"A cursor."

"What do you call a musical instrument made of gelatin?"/"A jello!"

"What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?"/"Homeless."

"What do you call a mustache soaked in urine?"/"A pistachio."

"What do you call a Native American cook?"/"A Sioux chef."

"What do you call a Native American cook?"/"A Sioux chef."

"What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?"/"Shakespeare."

"What do you call a New Yorker who hates the Metropolitan Museum of Art?"/"Metaverse."

"What do you call a New Yorker who's always complaining?"/"A New Yorker."

"What do you call a nightmare about paper?"/"A bad ream."

"What do you call a part-time orchestra leader?"/"A semi-conductor."

"What do you call a participation trophy in astronomy?"/"A constellation prize."

"What do you call a particularly shitty vegetable?"/"Pro-deuce."

"What do you call a person missing 75% of their spine?"/"A quarterback."

"What do you call a person who eats other people slowly?"/"A cannibble."

"What do you call a person who is happy on Monday?"/"Retired."

"What do you call a person who plays the viola?"/"A violator."

"What do you call a phallic-shaped potato?"/"A dictator."

"What do you call a phone shaped like an Italian dumpling?"/"A gnocchia."

"What do you call a pig with no clothes on?"/"Streaky bacon."

"What do you call a pig in the sun?"/"Bacon."

"What do you call a pig on a leash?"/"Pulled pork."

"What do you call a pig that is cold and growling?"/"A Ham-Brrr-Grrr."

"What do you call a pig that knows karate?"/"A pork chop."

"What do you call a pig that's cold and angry at the same time?"/"A ham-brr-grr"

"What do you call a pig thief?"/"A ham-burglar."

"What do you call a pig with no legs?"/"A groundhog."

"What do you call a pirate who skips class?"/"Captain Hooky."

"What do you call a pizza place run only by nonbinary people?"/"Little Ze/Zirs."

"What do you call a place where brass musicians hang out and drink?"/"HornPub."

"What do you call a place where marijuana is legal, but alcohol isn't?"/"High and dry."

"What do you call a plant-eating Viking?"/"A Norvegan."

"What do you call a polite cheesemaker?"/"Curdeous."

"What do you call a polite man who builds bridges?"/"A civil engineer."

"What do you call a politician with half a brain?"/"Gifted."

"What do you call a politician with half a brain?"/"JFK."

"What do you call a potato in a hotel room?"/"A suite potato."

"What do you call a potato that makes videos?"/"A YouTUBER."

"What do you call a potato that uploads videos?"/"A YouTuber."

"What do you call a potato with glasses?"/"A spectator."

"What do you call a potato that is reluctant to jump into boiling water?"/"A hesitater."

"What do you call a pretend railway?"/"A play station."

"What do you call a pretend railway?"/"A play station."

"What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?"/"A father in law."

"What do you call a quesadilla that gives you upset stomach?"/"A quesadiarrhea (case of diarrhea)."

"What do you call a radio that exercises?"/"Radioactive."

"What do you call a radio that exercises?"/"Radioactive."

"What do you call a red-headed baker?"/"A ginger bread man."

"What do you call a refrigerated grilled cheese?"/"Chilled grease."

"What do you call a reluctant potato?"/"A hesitater."

"What do you call a retired Heinz worker?"/"A has bean."

"What do you call a retired miner?"/"Doug."

"What do you call a retired vegetable?"/"A has-bean."

"What do you call a rich elf?"/"Welfy."

"What do you call a rude pumpkin?"/"Sass-squash."

"What do you call a Russian tree that grows meat?"/"Dimitri."

"What do you call a Russian with Covid?"/"Kalashnicough."

"What do you call a Russian with Covid?"/"Nastikof."

"What do you call a sad watermelon?"/"Melancholy."

"What do you call a Scandinavian who only eats plants?"/"A Nor-vegan."

"What do you call a security guard at a swimming pool?"/"The poolice."

"What do you call a Sergal being investigated?"/"Grilled cheese."

"What do you call a sheep with no legs?"/"A cloud."

"What do you call a shirt with stalks of corn on it?"/"A crop top."

"What do you call a shoe store with only one owner?"/"A sole proprietorship."

"What do you call a short musician in the subway?"/"A metro-gnome."

"What do you call a silent kebab?"/"A shh-kebab."

"What do you call a singing elf?"/"A wrapper."

"What do you call a skinhead who doesn’t eat meat?"/"A vegetaryan." (vegetarian + Aryan)

"What do you call a sleeping pizza?"/"A pizzzza."

"What do you call a small pork farm?"/"A hamlet."

"What do you call a snake that loves building houses?"/"A boa constructor."

"What do you call a snake that works in the government?"/"A civil serpent."

"What do you call a snake wearing a hard hat?"/"A boa constructor."

"What do you call a snake who loves dessert?"/"A piethon."

"What do you call a snake who makes a living building passenger airplanes?"/"A Boeing constructor."

"What do you call a snowman on roller blades?"/"A snowmobile."

"What do you call a snowman party?"/"A snowball."

"What do you call a snowman with a six pack?"/"An abdominal snowman."

"What do you call a snowman with a suntan?"/"A puddle."

"What do you call a snowman with a six pack?"/"An abdominal snowman."

"What do you call a soup made with weed?"/"Cannabisque."

"What do you call a spice with some experience?"/"Seasoned salt."

"What do you call a spicy Japanese pizza demon?"/"Pepper oni."

"What do you call a spicy Jewish bread?"/"Challapeno."

"What do you call a spooky burrito?"/"A boo-rito."

"What do you call a spud in a hotel?"/"A suite potato."

"What do you call a steak made of little yellow guys?"/"A filet minion."

"What do you call a stolen Tesla?"/"An Edison."

"What do you call a stripper from Malta?"/"A Malteser."

"What do you call a stupid fish?"/"A dumb bass."

"What do you call a surreptitious shellfish?"/"Clamdestine."

"What do you call a tea which stays with you for a long time?"/"Loyalty."

"What do you call a teacher who doesn't fart in public?"/"A private tooter."

"What do you call a teller on a tightrope?"/"Online banking."

"What do you call a temporary teacher fart?"/"A substitoot."

"What do you call a toothless cannibal?"/"A can'tibal."

"What do you call a town full of pigs?"/"A hamlet."

"What do you call a town with a lot of benches?"/"A sitty."

"What do you call a traveling salesman riding a bicycle?"/"A pedaler."

"What do you call a tube with a college degree?"/"A graduated cylinder."

"What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?"/"Lucky."

"What do you call a turkey on the day after Thanksgiving?"/"Lucky."

"What do you call a vampire on sale?"/"Discount Dracula."

"What do you call a vampire who does his shopping on Black Friday?"/"Dis-Count."

"What do you call a vegan cannibal?"/"A cant-ibal."

"What do you call a vegan cannibal?"/"A disappointment."

"What do you call a vegan cannibal?"/"Dead."

"What do you call a vegan cannibal?"/"Hungry."

"What do you call a vegan chicken strip?"/"A chicken pretender."

"What do you call a vegan fighting style?"/"Tofu."

"What do you call a vegan from Norway?"/"Norvegan."

"What do you call a vegan Viking?"/"Norvegan."

"What do you call a vegetable that's a dude and has a foodborn illness?"/"Bro Coli."

"What do you call a vegetable that's standing in line?"/"A queuecumber."

"What do you call a vegetarian Viking?"/"A Nor-vegan."

"What do you call a vegetarian Viking?"/"Norvegan."

"What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?"/"A salad shooter."

"What do you call a Viking who doesn't eat animal products?"/"A Norvegan."

"What do you call a waffle on a California beach?"/"A Sandy Eggo."

"What do you call a waffle's evil twin?"/"Its alter Eggo."

"What do you call a walking stick that makes you walk faster?"/"A hurricane."

"What do you call a wavering potato?"/"A hesitater."

"What do you call a witch who only eats sand?"/"Malnourished."

"What do you call a witch’s garage?"/"A broom closet."

"What do you call a woman who can't draw?"/"Tracy."

"What do you call a woman who follows the NY Philharmonic around?"/"A symphomaniac."

"What do you call a woman who trades sex for spaghetti?"/"A pastatute."

"What do you call a woman who’s really good at darts?"/"Amy."

"What do you call a woman with a toothpick up her bum?"/"Olive."

"What do you call a wooden car with wooden wheels?"/"Wooden go."

"What do you call a yam in a hotel?"/"A suite potato."

"What do you call a yam lover who makes vlogs?"/"A YouTuber."

"What do you call a zombie who stir fries?"/"Dead Man Wokking."

"What do you call advice from a cow?"/"Beef tips."

"What do you call aged pasta?"/"Ravioldi."

"What do you call an accordion player with a beeper?"/"An optimist."

"What do you call an accordion player with a pager?"/"An optimist."

"What do you call an acid with an attitude?"/"A-mean-oh acid."

"What do you call an alien who eats too much cheese, egg yolks & animal fat?"/"An extra cholesterol"

"What do you call an alligator in a vest?"/"An investigator."

"What do you call an alligator with a GPS?"/"A navigator."

"What do you call an alligator with a map?"/"A navigator."

"What do you call an American drawing?"/"A Yankee Doodle."

"What do you call an angry carrot?"/"A steamed veggie."

"What do you call an angry nut?"/"A pissed-achio."

"What do you call an annoyed lobster?"/"A frustacean."

"What do you call an ant who skips school?"/"A truant."

"What do you call an arrogant criminal walking down stairs?"/"A condescending con descending."

"What do you call an atheist business?"/"A non-prophet organization."

"What do you call an athletic pumpkin?"/"A jock o' lantern."

"What do you call an average comic?"/"A co-median."

"What do you call an electric car at the top of a hill?"/"A miracle."

"What do you call an emo vegetable?"/"A despair-agus."

"What do you call an empty hot dog?/"A halloweenie."

"What do you call an empty jar of Cheez Whiz?"/"Cheese was."

"What do you call an enchilada in England?"/"A centimeterilada."

"What do you call an Englishman in the World Cup final?"/"The referee."

"What do you call an everyday potato?"/"A commentator."

"What do you call an expired avocado?"/"Guaca-moldy."

"What do you call an ice cream truck operator?"/"A sundae driver."

"What do you call an indecisive potato?"/"A hesi-tater."

"What do you call an Instagram celebrity who got coronavirus?"/"An influenzer."

"What do you call interrogated gouda?"/"Grilled cheese."

"What do you call an IQ of 160 in the marines?"/"A platoon."

"What do you call an Irishman hanging from the ceiling?"/"Sean D'Olier."

"What do you call an Irishman who won't stop bouncing off the walls?"/"Rick O'Shea."

"What do you call an irritated lobster?"/"A frustracean."

"What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?"/"A desserted island."

"What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?"/"A PDF file."

"What do you call an Italian search engine?"/"Bada Bing."

"What do you call an opossum who goes back for seconds in the soup line?"/"A more-soup-ial."

"What do you call an overpriced sushi restaurant?"/"A raw deal."

"What do you call an uncertain potato?"/"A hesitater."

"What do you call a pious pepper?"/"A holy peño."

"What do you call baby potatoes?"/"Small fry."

"What do you call baby potatoes?"/"Tater tots."

"What do you call baby snowmen?"/"Chill-dren."

"What do you call bread with your toe jam spread all over it?"/"Toest."

"What do you call cheese by itself?"/"Provolone."

"What do you call cheese that accidentally escapes the International Space Station?"/"Space De Brie"

"What do you call cheese that is sad?"/"Bleu cheese."

"What do you call cheese that isn't yours?"/"Nacho cheese."

"What do you call cheese that isn't yours?"/"Stolen."

"What do you call children born in whorehouses?"/"Brothel sprouts."

"What do you call clumsy grapes?"/"Unconcordinated."

"What do you call someone who points out the obvious?"/"Someone who points out the obvious."

"What do you call corn stuck in a spider-web?"/"Corn on the cob."

"What do you call cows that don't have a sense of humor?"/"Feminists."

"What do you call cream cheese with paprika?"/"Pap schmear."

"What do you call dangerous precipitation?"/"A rain of terror."

"What do you call Dracula with hay fever?"/"The pollen Count."

"What do you call eating only a little bit of someone at a time?"/"Can-nibble-ism."

"What do you call an eternity?"/"Four blondes in four cars at a four way stop."

"What do you call a fake noodle?"/"An impasta."

"What do you call fake potatoes?"/"Imitaters."

"What do you call freshly made pasta?"/"Newdles."

"What do you call friends who eat together?"/"Taste buds."

"What do you call funny mayonnaise?"/"LMAYO."

"What do you call glass cookware from Jamaica?"/"Pyrex of the Caribbean."

"What do you call haunted yogurt?"/"Paranormal Activia."

"What do you call heavily burnt pasta?"/"Al Dante."

"What do you call hierophant vaccimulgence?"/"Pastorized milk."

"What do you call it when a banana eats another banana?"/"Canabananalism."

"What do you call it when a ghost robs a bank?"/"A polterheist."

"What do you call it when Father Christmas claps his hands at the end of a play?"/"Santapplause."

"What do you call it when it rains chickens, ducks and turkeys?"/"Fowl weather."

"What do you call it when it rains chickens, ducks and turkeys?"/"Fowl weather."

"What do you call it when there is no internet in Russia?"/"Internyet."

"What do you call it when two chips fall in love?"/"A relation-dip."

"What do you call karate for amputees?"/"Partial Arts."

"What do you call mashed avocado with milk?"/"Guacam-au-lait."

"What do you call mayonnaise left out for a month?"/"Juneonnaise."

"What do you call medical students who graduated online?"/"Google Docs."

"What do you call the milk from a Christened cow?"/"Pastorised milk."

"What do you call naked pasta?"/"Nudeles."

"What do you call old frijoles?"/"Has beans."

"What do you call old guacamole?"/"Guacamoldy."

"What do you call peanuts with guns?"/"Packing peanuts."

"What do you call physicians who work at Google?"/"Google Docs."

"What do you call quesadillas that you eat in the morning?"/"Buenosdillas."

"What do you call rabbits that marched in a long sweltering Easter parade?"/"Hot, cross bunnies."

"What do you call religious pasta?"/"Raviholy."

"What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?"/"Guardians of the Galaxy."

"What do you call Sodium, Carbon, Hydrogen, and Oxygen Cheese?"/"NaCHO Cheese."

"What do you call someone who can't make stock from a cube?"/"An Oxo moron."

"What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet?"/"A desserter."

"What do you call someone who derives pleasure from the bread of affliction?"/"A matzochist."

"What do you call someone who doesn’t eat animal products and loves to gamble?"/"A Las Vegan."

"What do you call someone who doesn't eat meat or vegetables?"/"Dead."

"What do you call someone who doesn’t like bread?"/"A weirdough."

"What do you call someone who doesn't like food fights?"/"A pasta-fist."

"What do you call someone who eats food secretly?"/"Omnomynous."

"What do you call someone who fixes tiny cars?"/"A quantum mechanic."

"What do you call someone who gives away free herbs?"/"A cilantropist."

"What do you call someone who gives out soda at Christmas?"/"Fanta Clause."

"What do you call someone who is good at fishing?"/"A profishional."

"What do you call someone who loves coriander?"/"A cilantropist."

"What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?"/"A cannibble"

"What do you call someone who wants more soup?"/"A moresoupial."

"What do you call someone who’s allergic to burnt bread?"/"Black toast intolerant."

"What do you call someone who's sexually attracted to Greek cheese?"/"A feta-shist."

"What do you call something that can't be forklifted?"/"Unpalletable."

"What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?"/"Filet minyan."

"What do you call the best salesman at a funeral home?"/"The Top Urner."

"What do you call the first meal of the day at a nursing home?"/"Incontinental breakfast."

"What do you call the formal study of pasta?"/"Linguinistics."

"What do you call the head of a school of fish?"/"A Sardean."

"What do you call the man who shreds your cheese at a restaurant?"/"A grate guy."

"What do you call the new girl at the bank?"/"The Nutella!"

"What do you call the offspring of two dump trucks?"/"Dumplings."

"What do you call the pants that have your car keys?"/"Khaki pants."

"What do you call the scraps of food that fall from the table?"/"Floor d’oeuvres."

"What do you call the study of feminism?"/"Triggernometry."

"What do you call the study of feminism?"/"Trigonometry."

"What do you call thistle that grows in far away places?"/"Thattle."

"What do you call those little green buildings inhabited by Irish wee folk?"/"Leprecondos."

"What do you call those things you blow and make a wish?"/"Breathalyzers."

"What do you call twin police officers?"/"Copies."

"What do you call two banana skins?"/"A pair of slippers."

"What do you call two crows on a branch?"/"Attempted murder."

"What do you call two men hanging from a window?"/"Kurt n Rod."

"What do you call two people in an ambulance?"/"A pair of medics."

"What do you call two pints of strict rules?"/"A quart of law."

"What do you call two salads madly in love?"/"Hopeless romainetics."

"What do you call two witches living together?"/"Broommates."

"What do you call two witches sharing an apartment?"/"Broommates."

"What do you call two witches who live together?"/"Broommates."

"What do you call a vegan fighting style?"/"Tofu."

"What do you call Wikipedia for babies?"/"Wikipedialyte."

"What do you call Wikipedia for babies?"/"Wikipedialyte."

"What do you call someone who hangs around musicians?"/"A drummer."

"What do you call an accountant with an opinion?"/"An auditor."

"What do you catch if you go fishing with gummy worms?"/"Swedish Fish."

"What do you after an Apple turns bad?"/"You open windows."

"What do you do for a living?"/"My best. I do my best."

"What do you do if you get rejected from a job at a sunscreen factory? Reapply!"

"What do you do when you don't have any rubber bands?"/"See if you can find a plastic orchestra."

"What do you do when you see a spaceman?"/"You park, man."

"What do you do with an elephant with three balls?"/"Walk him and pitch to the giraffe."

"What do you drain your Brussels sprouts with at Christmas?"/"An Advent colander."

"What do you eat when your Pop Tarts get stuck and break in half?"/"Top Parts."

"What do you feed a baby parabola?"/"Quadratic formula."

"What do you get after eating horsemeat?"/"The trots."

"What do you get from a cowmedian?"/"Cream of Wit!"

"What do you get from a cowmedian?"/"Cream of Wit!"

"What do you get from a drunk chicken?"/"Scotch eggs."

"What do you get from a dwarf cow?"/"Condensed milk."

"What do you get from a forgetful cow?"/"Milk of amnesia."

"What do you get from a pampered cow?"/"Spoiled milk."

"What do you get from an invisible cow?"/"Evaporated milk."

"What do you get from eating too much guacamole?"/"Guacoma."

"What do you get hanging from apple trees?"/"Sore arms."

"What do you get if you boil funnybones?"/"A laughing stock."

"What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?"/"A brick-layer."

"What do you get if you cross a drummer with a musician?"/"A bass player."

"What do you get if you cross a grocery clerk with a scientist?"/"Market research."

"What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie?"/"Puff pastry."

"What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie?"/"Puff pastry."

"What do you get if you cross a lamp with a violin?"/"You get light music."

"What do you get if you cross a leprechaun with a Texan?"/"Pot of chili at the end of the rainbow."

"What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a jelly?"/"The collie-wobbles."

"What do you get if you cross a snake and a hot dog?"/"A fangfurter."

"What do you get if you cross a snake with a Lego set?"/"A boa constructor."

"What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?"/"A yam session!"

"What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?"/"A yam session!"

"What do you get if you cross a trout with an apartment?"/"A flat fish."

"What do you get if you cross a trout with an apartment?"/"A flat fish."

"What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?"/"A snake in the brass."

"What do you get if you cross a turkey with a banjo?"/"A bird that plucks itself."

"What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?"/"Monkfish."

"What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism?"/"No more jokes about the profit."

"What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?"/"Crisp Cringle."

"What do you get if you divide 22 sheep with 7 collies."/"Shepherd's pi."

"What do you get if you drop a piano on a child?"/"A flat minor."

"What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?"/"Fat. You get fat."

"What do you get if you stuff your computer's disk drive with herbs?"/"A thyme machine."

"What do you get if you stuff your computer's disk drive with herbs?"/"A thyme machine."

"What do you get if you stuff your computer's disk drive with herbs?"/"A thyme machine."

"What do you get when a bee is stuck in a garage?"/"Garbage."

"What do you get when an elephant walks through your garden?"/"Squash."

"What do you get when lightning strikes the chicken coop?"/"Sudden fried chicken."

"What do you get when someone hits you with a couple of beer cans?"/"A brews."

"What do you get when the sunrise bends over?"/"The crack of dawn."

"What do you get when you ask a politician for the truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth?"

"What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?"/"A pineapple."

"What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?"/"A hot-diggity-dog."

"What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?"/"Milk and quackers."

"What do you get when you cross a highway with a bicycle?"/"Run over."

"What do you get when you cross a Jamaican with a ginger?"/"A gingerbreadmon."

"What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a calendar?"/"A leap year."

"What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?"/"Another lawyer."

"What do you get when you cross a police dog with a skunk?"/"Law & odor."

"What do you get when you cross a Smurf with a cow?"/"Blue cheese."

"What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?"/"Frostbite."

"What do you get when you cross a teacher with a vampire?"/"Lots of blood tests."

"What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?"/"A turkey that can pluck himself."

"What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?"/"A turkey that can pluck itself."

"What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?"/"A pineapple."

"What do you get when an cross an elephant with a RINO?" (joke)

"What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?" (joke)

"What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover?"/"A rash of good luck."

"What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?" (lawyer joke)

"What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?"

"What do you get when you do the Irish jig at McDonald's?"/"A Shamrock Shake."

"What do you get when you do the Irish jig at McDonald's?"/"A Shamrock Shake."

"What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?" (joke)

"What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?" (joke)

"What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?"/"Squash."

"What do you get when you eat bad pizza?"/"Pizzarrhea."

"What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?"/"Diabetes."

"What do you have when you get five yachts?"/"Yachtzee!"

"What do you get when you mix a broccoli and a melon?"/"The saddest vegetable: a melonccoli."

"What do you get when you mix beans and onions?"/"Tear gas."

"What do you get when you mix holy water with vodka?"/"The holy spirit."

"What do you get when you mix laxatives with holy water?"/"A religious movement."

"What do you get when you pick a pig's nose?"/"Ham boogers."

"What do you get when you play a country song backwards?"

"What do you get when you play a country song backwards?"

"What do you get when you play a new age song backwards?"

"What do you get when you play tug-of-war with a pig?"/"Pulled pork."

"What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?"/"Hot cross bunnies."

"What do you get when you put cabbage in a wood chipper?"/"Slaw dust!"

"What do you get when you put guacamole on a BLT?"/"An LGBT." (Gay BLT)

"What do you get when you put guacamole on a BLT?"/"An LGBT." (Gay BLT)

"What do you get when you take green cheese & divide its circumference by its diameter?"/"Moon pi."

"What do you give a dog with a fever?"/"Mustard -- it's the best thing for a hot dog!"

"What do you give a dog with a fever?"/"Mustard. It's the best thing for a hot dog."

"What do you give to a man who has everything?"/"Penicillin."

"What do you give to a sick lemon?"/"Lemon aid."

"What do you have to know to be a real estate salesman?"/" Lots."

"What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? (lawyer joke)

"What do you need to make dill bread?"/"Dill dough."

"What do you play 4D chess on?"/"A chesseract!"

"What do you say to a leprechaun?"/"How's the weather down there?"

"What do you say to a Mexican body builder who's out of protein powder?"/"No whey, José."

"What do you say to a mother of members of the military?"/"Thank you for your cervix."

"What do you say to a naked pig?"/"I never sausage a body."

"What do you say to a Texas man driving a German car?"/"Audi."

"What do you say to a vegetarian in a coma?"/"You are what you eat."

"What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?"/"Anything, just butter him up!"

"What do you say to an angry potato?"/"Anything, just butter him up."

"What do you say to an overworked clothing maker?"/"You seamstressed."

"What do you say to comfort an English teacher?"/"They’re, there, their."

"What do you say when your pea rolls away?"/"It's an escape-pea!"

"What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?"/"Donuts."

"What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?"/"Doughnuts."

"What do you take before every meal?"/"You take a seat."

"What do you think about the execution of the team?" (sports joke)

"What do you think of Flushing, New York?"/"I think it would be a good idea."

"What do you think of my Irish stew?"/"It could use a pinch of Gaelic."

"What do you think of the musician's execution?"/"I'm in favor of it."

"What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners" (lawyer joke)

"What do you use to buy bar drinks?"/"Bar tender."

"What do you use to clean a pig?"/"Ham sanitizer."

"What do you use to fix a broken tuba?"/"A tuba glue."

"What do you wear to a Thanksgiving dinner?"/"A har-vest."

"What do zombies eat while on a hike?"/"Entrail Mix."

"What does a baby ghost need at a restaurant?"/"A boo-ster seat."

"What does a blind man use to ski?"/"A skiing eye dog."

"What does a Broadway actor do when he has the flu?"/"Eight shows a week."

"What does a cannibal call a skateboarder?"/"Meals on wheels."

"What does a cannibal call a skateboarder?"/"Meals on wheels."

"What does a cannibal call a stoner?"/"Pot roast."

"What does a cannibal drink in the morning?"/"A cup of Joe."

"What does a cannibalistic cow eat?"/"Can o bull."

"What does a car put on its toast?"/"Traffic jam."

"What does a Chinese bear fry eggs in?"/"A pan, duh!"

"What does a Chinese cowboy say?"/"Ni-haody."

"What does a clock do when it's hungry?"/"It goes back four seconds."

"What does a cloud with an itchy rash do?"/"Find the nearest skyscraper."

"What does a cloud with an itchy rash do?"/"Find the nearest skyscraper."

"What does a computer frog say?"/"Reboot, reboot, reboot."

"What does a condiment wizard perform?"/"Saucery."

"What does a cow ride when his car is broken?"/"A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle."

"What does a dollar bill say to another?"/"Never change."

"What does a dolphin bake with?"/"All porpoise flour."

"What does a drummer use for contraception?"/" His personality."

"What does a dyslexic racist hate the most?"/"Gingers."

"What does a fart from a hard-core milk drinker smell like?"/"Dairy-air."

"What does a fat cow give you?"/"Homework!"

"What does a government do once it has disarmed its citizens? Anything it wants"

"What does a government do once it has disarmed its citizens? Whatever it wants"

"What does a government do, once it has disarmed its populace? Anything it wants"

"What does a Jewish American Princess make for dinner?"/"Reservations!"

"What does a Jewish pescatarian say at breakfast time on the day of atonement? 'Yum, kipper.'"

"What does a Jewish pirate say?"/"Ahoy vey!"

"What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?"/"Taller."

"What does a nosey pepper do?"/"It gets jalapeño business!"

"What does a nosy pepper do?"/"It gets jalapeño business."

"What does a painter do when he gets cold?"/"He puts on another coat."

"What does a panda cook with?"/"A pan, duh!"

"What does a pear tree do before growing its fruit?"/"It pre-pears."

"What does a penguin waiter say?"/"Waddle it be?"

"What does a physicist have for lunch?"/"Fission chips."

"What does a pizza wear to smell good?"/"Calzogne."

"What does a politician do after he dies?"/"He lies still."

"What does a programmer wear?"/"Whatever is in the dress code."

"What does a pulley like the best about its position? It's the center of a tension"

"What does a redneck and yeast have in common?"/"They are both in bread."

"What does a termite order at the restaurant?"/"A table for two!"

"What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?"/"Synonym rolls."

"What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?"/"A stake sandwich."

"What does a vampire order at a Chinese restaurant?"/"Chow vein."

"What does a vegan cannibal eat?"/"Human beans."

"What does a vegan cannibal eat?"/"Kurds."

"What does a vegan pirate do in jail?"/"Starrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrve!"

"What does a vegan zombie eat?"/"Graaaiinns!"

"What does a vegetable wear to the beach?"/"A zucchini."

"What does a vegetable wear to the beach?"/"A zu-kini."

"What does a vegetarian cannibal eat?"/"A greengrocer."

"What does a vegetarian cannibal eat?"/"Cabbage Patch Kids."

"What does a vegetarian cannibal eat?"/"Cumin beans."

"What does a vegetarian cannibal eat?"/"Swedes."

"What does a vegetarian cannibal eat?"/"Toe-fu."

"What does a vegetarian cannibal eat?"/"Vegetables."

"What does a witch use to keep her hair up?"/"Scarespray!"

"What does a zombie bodybuilder crave?"/"GAAAAAAAIIINNNS!"

"What does an aardvark like on its pizza?"/"Ant-chovies."

"What does an American say when he wins at chess?"/"Checkbuddy."

"What does an atheist do when he drives up behind a car with a 'Honk if you love Jesus' sticker..."

"What does an auctioneer need to know?"/"Lots."

"What does an electrical engineer have for breakfast?"/"An ohmelette."

"What does an electrician have for breakfast?"/"An ohmelette."

"What does an incoherent turkey say?"/"Garble! Garble! Garble!"

"What does breast milk taste like?"/"Umami."

"What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?"/"The best of thymes, the worst of thymes."

"What does cheese like to drink?"/"Morbier."

"What does garlic do when it gets hot?"/"It takes its cloves off."

"What does gum and gun have in common?"/"Pull it out in class and everyone wants to be your friend"

"What does illiteracy even mean?"

"What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?"/"I didn't wake up this morning..."

"What does Kmart stand for?"/"Kuz Mexicans Are Rich Too."

"What does lactose free milk wish to the world?"/"Soy to the world."

"What does Pac-Man eat with his chips?"/"Guacawakamole."

"What does Santa drink?"/"White Claus."

"What does Thanksgiving have in common with Halloween?"/"Gobble-ins!"

"What does the Chinese cowboy say?"/"Yeehao."

"What does the Easter bunny order at a Chinese restaurant?"/"Hop suey."

"What does the military use acid for?"/"To neutralize the enemy base."

"What does the sun drink out of?"/"Sunglasses."

"What does WTC stand for?"/"What Trade Center?"

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except for hospitals. Hospitals will kill you"

"What doesn't kill you will make you stronger. Except for hospitals. Hospitals will kill you"

"What dog can tell the time?"/"A watch dog."

"What drink always has a cold?"/"Cough-ee."

"What exercise did Jesus do?"/"CrossFit."

"What falls down but never gets hurt?"/"Rain."

"What famous Greek might have invented baseball?'/"Homer."

"What flavor is the toothpaste in jail?"/"Imprisonmint."

"What flies around all day but never goes anywhere?"/"A flag."

"What flies when it's born, lies when it's alive, and runs when it's dead?"/"Snow."

"What follows two days of rain in Oregon? Monday!" (joke)

"What food are you able to can?"/"Cannibal (can able) food."

"What food can't make up its mind?"/"A waffle."

"What food is good for the brain?"/"Noodle soup."

"What four days start with the letter 'T'?" (riddle)

"What frozen alcoholic beverage should you drink if you need to poop?"/"A Piña Colonic."

"What fruit do you use to make toe jam?"/"You use fruit by the foot."

"What fruits do twins like best?"/"Pears."

"What gets bigger the more you take from it?"/"The lower class."

"What gets measured gets managed" ("You can't manage what you can't measure")

"What gets rid of grime and stains?"/"Ammonia cleaner."/"Sorry, I thought you worked here."

"What ghost is handy in the kitchen?"/"A recipe spook."

"What goes around, comes around"

"What goes great with a Coronavirus?"/"Lime disease."

"What goes great with a Coronavirus?"/"Lyme disease."

"What goes up and down at the same time?"/"Stairs."

"What goes up and down, but doesn’t move?"/"A staircase."

"What goes up and down stairs without moving?"/"A carpet."

"What goes up and down without moving?"/"A staircase."

"What goes up when rain comes down?"/"Umbrellas."

"What goes up when the rain comes down?"/"An umbrella."

"What good does it do to be able to eat at a lunch counter if you can't buy a hamburger?"

"What good does it do to be able to eat at a lunch counter if you can't buy a hamburger?"

"What good does it do to be able to eat at a lunch counter if you can't buy a hamburger?"

"What good fortune for governments that the people do not think"

"What happened at the cannibal's wedding party?"/"They toasted the bride and groom."

"What happened to Covid 1 to 18?"

"What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic?"/"Its bark was much worse than its bite."

"What happened to the Easter Bunny when he misbehaved at school?"/"He was eggspelled."

"What happened to the Indian chief who drank too much tea?"/"He drowned in his tea-pee."

"What happened to the man who stole an Advent calendar?"/"He got 25 days."

"What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home?"/"He had to give it back."

"What happened to the musician who robbed the bank?"/"He made off with the lute."

"What happened to the plant in math class?"/"It grew square roots."

"What happened when the barman died?"/"The police held an inn-quest."

"What happened when the cat swallowed a coin?"/"There was some money in the kitty!"

"What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?"/"It stole the show!"

"What happened when the escalator broke down?"/"Everyone stopped and staired!"

"What happened when the turkey got into a fight?"/"He got the stuffing knocked out of him."

"What happened when the two bullets got married?"/"They had a BB."

"What happened when the waiter dropped the Thanksgiving meal?" (joke)

"What happened when two vampires had a race?"/"They finished neck and neck."

"What happens at a bulimic's bachelor party?"/"The cake jumps out of the girl."

"What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up?"/"The mean increases."

"What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up?"/"The mean increases."

"What happens if we invest money to develop our people and they leave?"

"What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?"/"Every morning you’ll rise and shine!"

"What happens to an egg every time you look at it?"/"It becomes egg sighted."

"What happens to deposed kings?"/"They get throne away."

"What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises?"/"It becomes daytrogen."

"What happens twice in a week, once in a year, and never in a day?" (riddle)

"What happens when a ghost haunts a theater?"/"The actors get stage fright."

"What happens when a normal cell goes to war?"/"It becomes diploid."

"What happens when frogs park illegally?"/"They get toad."

"What happens when someone steals uranium?"/"It becomes theiranium."

"What happens when the cows refuse to be milked?"/"Udder chaos."

"What happens when two pastries divorce?"/"They have a custardy battle."

"What happens when you eat aluminum foil?"/"You sheet metal."

"What has 12 faces and 42 eyes?"/"A pair of dice."

"What has 15 actors, four settings, two writers, and one plot?"/"632 Hallmark movies."

"What has 18 legs and catches flies?"/"A baseball team."

"What has 22 legs and 2 wings, but can't fly?"/"A football team."

"What has 3 feet, but can't walk?"/"A yardstick."

"What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9 letters, and never has 5 letters"

"What has a foot, but no leg?"/"A ruler."

"What has a head and a tail, but no body?"/"A coin."

"What has college taught you?"/"That no matter how much sleep I get I’ll always be tired."

"What has four legs and flies?"/"A picnic table."

"What has four legs and one arm?"/"A happy pit bull."

"What has four wheels and flies?"/"A garbage truck."

"What has no legs, but can do a split?"/"A banana."

"What has one horn and gives milk?"/"A milk truck."

"What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?" (bingo joke)

"What has six balls and screws Texans? The Texas Lottery!" (Kinky Friedman)

"What has three feet and cannot walk?"/"A yard stick."

"What has three feet, but can't walk?"/"A yardstick."

"What has three hands, but only one face?"/"A clock."

"What has three legs and an asshole on top?"/"A drum stool."

"What has three letters and starts with gas?"/"A car."

"What has to be broken before it can be used?"/"An egg."

"What has two butts and kills people?"/"An assassin."

"What hides in the bakery at Christmas?"/"Mince spy."

"What hired killer never goes to jail?"/"The exterminator."

"What hotel do mice stay in?/"The Stilton."

"What hotel do mice stay in?/"The Stilton."

"What I do drunk is none of my business"

"What I do when I drink is none of my business"

"What I do when I'm drunk is none of my business"

"What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day"

"What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present"

"What I love most about cooking three meals a day and cleaning up afterwards is probably..."

"What I stand for is what I stand on" (environmental activism)

"What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?"

"What idiot called it 'car repair' and not autocorrect?"

"What idiot called it iced coffee instead of cool beans"

"What if algebra teachers are really pirates and they are using us to find 'X'?"

"What if cats have their own internet and it's full of pictures of us?"

"What if daylight didn't want to be saved?"

"What if it doesn't want to be called hot sauce? What if it wants to be called beautiful sauce?"

"What if lollipops moaned every time we licked them?"

"What if nobody was president and we all promised real hard to just be cool"

"What if soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish?" (joke)

"What if the daylight didn't want to be saved?"

"What if the Hokey-Pokey really is what it's all about?"

"What if the lottery is an institution to catch time travelers?"

"What if there were no hypothetical questions?"

"What if they aren’t stars at all, but holes poked in the top of the container so we can breathe"

"What if they're not stars, but holes poked into the top of the container so we can breathe"

"What if they're not stars? What if they're holes poked in the top of a container so we can breathe"

"What if this quarantine is just the aliens fattening us up before the big harvest?"

"What if tinfoil producers create conspiracies so people buy their tinfoil?"

"What if UFOs are just billionaires from other planets?"

"What if UFOs are just empty vehicles sent into space by eccentric billionaires of other planets?"

"What if when you dunk a cookie in milk and see bubbles come up it's the cookie trying to breathe.."

"What if you pronounced 'female" like 'tamale'?"

"What if your father was a horse thief?" (political affiliation joke)

"What instrument can only be played by a pair of sheep?"/"The tubaa."

"What instrument does a skeleton play?"/"A trombone."

"What is 3/7 chicken, 2/3 cat and 2/4 goat?"/"Chicago."

"What is a barista's favorite month?"/"Febrewary."

"What is a baseball dog?"/"One that chases fowls."

"What is a bear's favorite drink?"/"Koka-Koala."

"What is a brothel? Is it a soup factory?"

"What is a cannibal?"/"Someone who is fed up with people."

"What is a cannibal's favorite cheese?"/"Limburger."

"What is a cannibal's favorite restaurant?"/"Five Guys."

"What is a chicken's favorite beer?"/"Bock."

"What is a chiropractor's favorite type of music?"/"Hip-pop."

"What is a classical musician's favorite Chinese food?"/"Bach Choy."

"What is a classical musician's favorite Chinese food?"/"Bach Choy."

"What is a coffee bean’s favorite thing to eat on Thanksgiving?"/"Roast."

"What is a communist? One who hath yearnings for equal division of unequal earnings."

"What is a cow's favorite lunch meat?"/"Bullogna."

"What is a crazy pickle?"/"A daffydill."

"What is a criminal's favorite font?"/"Sans Sheriff."

"What is a crowbar?"/"A place were crows go to get a drink."

"What is a crow’s favorite drink?"/"Cawfee."

"What is a customary greeting from a cannibal?"/"He presents you with a handshake."

"What is a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer?"/"Comet."

"What is a duck's favorite cheese?"/"Quacker Barrel."

"What is a duck's favorite dance?"/"The quackstep."

"What is a duck's favorite snack?"/"Quackers."

"What is a feminist's favorite fruit?"/"Mango."

"What is a frog's favorite drink?"/"Croak-a-cola."

"What is a ghost boxer called?"/"A phantomweight."

"What is a ghost pirate’s favorite drink?"/"Boo tea."

"What is a ghost's favorite game?"/"Hide-and-ghost-seek."

"What is a ghost's favorite party game?"/"Hide-and-go-shriek."

"What is a giraffe's favorite fruit?"/"Necktarines."

"What is a goblin’s favorite cheese?"/"Monster-ella."

"What is a golfer's favorite drink?"/"Green tea."

"What is a golfer's favorite drink?"/"Green tea."

"What is a golfer’s favorite drink?"/"Green tee."

"What is a golfer's favorite drink?"/"Green tee."

"What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?"/"Barklava."

"What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food?"/"Strumboli."

"What is a hermit?"/"A girl's baseball glove."

"What is a Jewish dilemma?"/"Free ham."

"What is a jihadist's favorite kind of pepper?"/"Allahpeño."

"What is a kangaroo's favorite year?"/"A leap year."

"What is a Karen called in Europe?"/"An American."

"What is a lawyer's favorite drink?"/"Subpoena colada."

"What is a lion's favorite cheese?"/"Roar-quefort."

"What is a math teacher's favorite sum?"/"Summer."

"What is a math teacher's favorite sum?"/"Summer!"

"What is a mummy's favorite type of music?"/"Wrap."

"What is a pirate's favorite drink?"/"Hi-C."

"What is a pirate's favorite element in the periodic table?"/"Gold, not Argon."

"What is a pirate's favorite piece of marketing content?"/"A webinAAAAR."

"What is a pirate's favorite type of music?"/"Arr and B!"

"What is a porcupine's favorite game?"/"Poker."

"What is a pregnant woman to a cannibal?"/"Kinder Surprise."

"What is a pumpkin's favorite sport?"/"Squash."

"What is a pumpkin's favorite sport?"/"Squash."

"What is a relative minor?"/"A country western musician's girlfriend."

"What is a room full of sauerkraut?"/"Over-krauted."

"What is a Russian oligarch’s least favorite dice game?"/"Yacht seized."

"What is a salmon's least favorite type of pastry?"/"Bear claws."

"What is a scarecrow's favorite fruit?"/"Straw-berries."

"What is a seal's favorite subject in school?"/"Art art art!"

"What is a sheep's favorite fruit?"/"A baa-nana."

"What is a skeleton’s favorite form of measurement?"/"Graveyards!"

"What is a snake's favorite subject at school?"/"Hiss-tory."

"What is a snowman's favorite dinner?"/"Spaghetti and snowballs."

"What is a soup's favorite sport?"/"Bowling."

"What is a soup's favorite sport?"/"Bowling."

"What is a stoner's favorite soup?"/"Cannabisque."

"What is a Texas chicken's favorite beer?"/"Shiner Bock Bock Bock!"

"What is a turkey's favorite dessert?"/"Peach gobbler."

"What is a vampire's favorite candy?"/"A sucker."

"What is a vegan’s favorite Christmas carol?"/"Soy to the World."

"What is a vegetarian's favorite Christmas carol?"/"Soy to the World."

"What is a werewolf's favorite appetizer?"/"Howlapeño bites."

"What is a witch's favorite subject in school?"/"Spelling."

"What is a wolf’s favorite vegetable?"/"Aruuuuuuuuuugala."

"What is a wolf's favorite vegetable?"/"Howlapeño."

"What is an actor's favorite breakfast?"/"A big roll!"

"What is an American's favorite type of music?"/"Royalty free."

"What is an Amish person's favorite dried fruit?"/"A barn raisin."

"What is an anagram of thaw"

"What is an astronomer?"/"A night watchman with a college education."

"What is an autograph?"/"A chart which shows car sales."

"What is an SEO's favorite music?"/"Heavy Meta."

"What is an SEO's favorite music?"/"Heavy Meta."

"What is Bigfoot’s favorite exercise?"/"Sasquats."

"What is black when it is clean and white when it is dirty?"/"A blackboard."

"What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?"/"A coconut on vacation."

"What is Canada's favorite board game?"/"Sorry!"

"What is cardboard’s favorite sport?"/"Boxing."

"What is copper nitrate?"/"Overtime for policemen."

"What is Count Dracula's favorite snack?"/"A fangfurter."

"What is crazy and walks along the sides of buildings?"/"A walnut."

"What is crazy and walks along the sides of buildings?"/"A walnut."

"What is Frosty's favorite dinner?"/"Spaghetti and snowballs."

"What is full of raisins and on a secret mission?"/"Mince spy."

"What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?"/"A meltdown."

"What is it called when you kill a chickpea?"/"Hummuside."

"What is it that occurs once in a minute, twice in a week, and yet only once in a year?" (riddle)

"What is Karen's favorite drink?"/"White whine."

"What is marble cake? Does it have real marbles?"

"What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?"/"Gorgonzola."

"What is muffins spelled backwards?"/"Exactly what you do when you take them out the oven."

"What is musical and handy in a supermarket?"/"A Chopin Liszt."

"What is one plus one?" (accounting joke)

"What is Pac-Man's favorite piece of cookware?"/"A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok."

"What is Perseus's least favorite cheese?"/"Gorgonzola."

"What is Peter Pan's favorite fast food restaurant?"/"Wendy's."

"What is Porky Pig's least favorite musical?"/"Hamilton."

"What is red, orange and yellow and doesn’t get hurt when it falls?"/"Autumn leaves!"

"What is small, furry and smells like bacon?"/"A hamster."

"What is small, red and whispers?"/"A hoarse radish."

"What is something that tastes better than it smells?"/"A tongue."

"What is the best butter in the world?"/"A goat."

"What is the best month to drink beer?"/"Fe-brew-ary."

"What is the best track and field sport? Discus"

"What is the best way to cut a musician into tiny pieces?"/"With a band saw."

"What is the best way to tune a bagpipe?"/"With a pitchfork!"

"What is the color of a hamburger?"/"Burgundy."

"What is the color of the wind?"/"Blew."

"What is the cutest of all seasons?"/"Awwwwwtumn!"

"What is the cutest season?"/"Awwtumn."

"What is the definition of a financial genius?" (joke)

"What is the definition of Death?"/"When you stop paying taxes suddenly."

"What is the definition of 'derange'?"/"De place where de cowboys ride."

"What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit banknote?" (riddle)

"What is the difference between a dog with rabies and a hot dog?" (riddle)

"What is the difference between a dollar and a rouble?"/"A dollar."

"What is the difference between a dollar and a ruble?"/"A dollar."

"What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy student?" (riddle)

"What is the difference between a hungry man and a glutton?" (riddle)

"What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?"/"It’s all in the grip."

"What is the difference between a vegan and a software engineer?" (riddle)

"What is the difference between an engineer and a school teacher?" (riddle)

"What is the difference between noon and high noon?"/"One is at 4:20."

"What is the difference between noon and high noon?"/"Weed."

"What is the Easter bunny's favorite sport?"/"Basket-ball."

"What is the favorite appetizer of Scottish people?"/"Gaelic bread."

"What is the favorite soda of people preparing for the apocalypse?"/"Dr. Prepper."

"What is the first derivative of a cow?"/"Prime rib."

"What is the healthiest kind of water?"/"Well water."

"What is the holiest chord?"/"G sus."

"What is the kind of all office supplies?"/"The ruler."

"What is the king of the classroom?"/"The ruler."

"What is the leader of popcorn called?"/"The kernel."

"What is the least spoken language in the world?"/"Sign language."

"What is the left side of an apple?"/"The part that you don't eat."

"What is the loudest sport?"/"Tennis, because everyone raises a racquet."

"What is the most expensive video-streaming service at this time?"/"College."

"What is the most mythical vegetable?"/"A unicorn."

"What is the most well behaved drink?"/"Tea because the others are not tea."

"What is the only 4-letter word sport that starts with a 'T'?"/"Golf."

"What is the opposite of Microsoft Office?"/"Megahard Onfire."

"What is the point of being alive if you don't at least try to do something remarkable?"

"What is the preferred sandwich of the working class?"/"A plebian-J."

"What is the quietest sport?"/"Bowling, because you can hear a pin drop."

"What is the saddest cheese?"/"Bleu cheese."

"What is the saddest cheese?"/"Blue cheese."

"What is the saddest cheese?"/"Prov-alone."

"What's the saddest hole in a building?"/"A weep hole."

"What is the volume of an object with depth a and radius z?"/"Pi z z a."

"What is three-sevenths of a chicken, two-thirds of a cat and one-half of a goat?"/"Chicago."

"What is Tinker Bell's Mexican sister's name?"/"Taco Bell."

"What is Uncle Sam's favorite snack?"/"Fire crackers."

"What is whiskey?"/"Wussian woulette."

"What is whisky?"/"Wussian woulette."

"What is white, sugary, has whiskers and floats on the sea?"/"A catameringue."

"What is white, sugary, has whiskers and floats on the sea?"/"A catameringue."

"What is worth less than fifty-five cents?"/"The same fifty-five cents tomorrow."

"What it do"

"What job did the frog have at the hotel?"/"Bell hop."

"What keeps Gouda up at night?"/"The Muenster under the bed."

"What key has legs and can't open doors?"/"A turkey."

"What kills coronavirus?"/"Ammonia cleaner."/"Sorry, I thought you worked here."

"What kind of advice do you give to an architect?"/"Constructive criticism."

"What kind of ant is good at math?"/"An accountant."

"What kind of ants are very learned?"/"Pedants."

"What kind of apple has a short temper?"/"A crab apple."

"What kind of bagel can fly?"/"A plain bagel."

"What kind of ball doesn't bounce?"/"A snowball."

"What kind of band plays snappy music?"/"A rubber band."

"What kind of bar do fish go to?"/"A sand bar."

"What kind of bats swing upside down?"/"Acro-bats."

"What kind of beans don't grow in a garden?"/"Jelly beans."

"What kind of bee gives milk?"/"A boobie."

"What kind of bee hovers over a bowl of alphabet soup?"/"A spelling bee."

"What kind of bow can't be tied?"/"A rainbow."

"What kind of bread do elves make sandwiches with?"/"Shortbread."

"What kind of breakfast is served at a diner that's built on a faultline?"/"Panquakes."

"What kind of bunny can't hop?"/"A chocolate one."

"What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?"/"A stomach cake."

"What kind of candy do zombies refuse to eat?"/"Life Savers."

"What kind of candy does a sidewalk eat?"/"Pave-mint."

"What kind of car does an egg drive?"/"A Yolkswagon."

"What kind of car will a bitcoiner never drive?"/"A Fiat."

"What kind of cells get drafted for war?"/"Diploid."

"What kind of cheese do you use to disguise a small horse?"/"Mascarpone."

"What kind of cheese has been interrogated?"/"Grilled cheese."

"What kind of clothes do zombies wear?"/"Decay NY."

"What kind of coffee do cops drink?"/"Coppicino."

"What kind of coffee does a vampire drink?"/"De-coffinated."

"What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?"/"Sanka."

"What kind of company is a 24-hour hamburger joint?"/"Fry-by-night."

"What kind of COVID vaccine did the ghost get?"/"A boo-ster!"

"What kind of cup can't hold water?"/"A cupcake."

"What kind of currency do astronauts use in space?"/"Starbucks."

"What kind of doctor fixes broken websites?"/"A URLologist."

"What kind of doctor is Dr Pepper?"/"He's a fizzician."

"What kind of dogs like car racing?"/"Lap dogs."

"What kind of dogs love car racing?"/"Lap dogs."

"What kind of dress pants does coffee wear?"/"Cappuchinos."

"What kind of driver never gets a ticket?"/"A screwdriver."

"What kind of exercises are best for a swimmer?"/"Pool-ups."

"What kind of fire leaves a room damp?"/"A humidifire."

"What kind of fish goes well with peanut butter?"/"A jellyfish."

"What kind of fish is made of only two sodium atoms?"/"2 Na."

"What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine's Day?"/"Cauliflowers."

"What kind of food does your toe eat?"/"Dori-toes."

"What kind of greens do chickens eat?"/"Bok bok bok choy."

"What kind of gun doesn't kill animals?"/"A vegun."

"What kind of headaches do wheat farmers get?"/"My grains."

"What kind of key do you have to cook before using?"/"A latke."

"What kind of key opens a banana?"/"A monkey."

"What kind of key opens a haunted house?"/"A spoo-key."

"What kind of keys do kids carry?"/"Cookies."

"What kind of lights did Noah have in the ark?"/"Arc lights."

"What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?"/"Floodlights."

"What kind of lotion does a bullfighter use?"/"Olay!"

"What kind of magic does a vegan wizard use?"/"Soycery."

"What kind of milk do they use to make Swiss cheese?"/"Hole milk."

"What kind of moisturizer does a bullfighter use?"/"Olay!"

"What kind of money do fishermen make?"/"Net profits."

"What kind of money do they use in space?"/"Starbucks."

"What kind of mushroom loves to gossip?"/"A shit-talkey."

"What kind of music did the Pilgrims listen to?"/"Plymouth rock."

"What kind of music do balloons dislike?"/"Pop music."

"What kind of music do lawn care specialists listen to?"/"Motown."

"What kind of music do planets sing?"/"Neptunes."

"What kind of music do surfers listen to?"/"New wave."

"What kind of music do wind turbines like?"/"They're big metal fans."

"What kind of music does a leprechaun band play?"/"Shamrock 'n' roll."

"What kind of music does cheese listen to?"/"R & Brie."

"What kind of music does cheese listen to?"/"R&Brie."

"What kind of music frightens balloons?"/"Pop music."

"What kind of musical instrument can you use for fishing?"/"The cast-a-net."

"What kind of music are scissors afraid of?"/"Rock music."

"What kind of noise does a train make?"/"A low commotion."

"What kind of nut is drunk?"/"A pissed-achio."

"What kind of paper likes music?"/"Wrapping paper."

"What kind of pasta do they eat in Antarctica?"/"Penguine."

"What kind of pasta is made from horses?"/"Spaghetti bowl o' neighs."

"What kind of pepper can talk?"/"Hablanero."

"What kind of person doesn't like pizza? A weirdough"

"What kind of person eats aluminum?"/"A can-nibble."

"What kind of phone makes music?"/"A saxophone."

"What kind of phone makes music?"/"A saxophone."

"What kind of pig plays basketball?"/"A ball hog."

"What kind of pizza do pilots like?"/"Plain."

"What kind of robbery is not dangerous?"/"A safe robbery."

"What kind of rolling papers do you need to smoke brisket?"

"What kind of running means walking?"/"Running out of gas."

"What kind of school do surfers go to?"/"Boarding school."

"What kind of school does a carpenter go to?"/"Boarding school."

"What kind of shoes do artists wear?"/"Skechers."

"What kind of shoes do artists wear?"/"Sketchers."

"What kind of shoes do bakers wear?"/"Loafers."

"What kind of shoes do chickens wear?"/"Ree-bok-bok-bok."

"What kind of shoes do linguists wear?"/"Converse."

"What kind of shoes does a plumber wear?"/"Clogs."

"What kind of shoes does bread wear?"/"Loafers."

"What kind of shorts do clouds wear?"/"Thunderwear."

"What kind of sugar does Darth Vader prefer in his coffee?"/"Imperial Sugar."

"What kind of tea do you drink with the queen?"/"Royal-tea."

"What kind of tea is hard to swallow?"/"Reality."

"What kind of tree has no money?"/"Burr oak."

"What kind of TV do you find inside a haunted house?"/"A wide scream TV."

"What kind of underwear should you wear during an eclipse?"/"Fruit of the moon."

"What kind of vegetable has the worst manners?"/"A rudeabaga."

"What kind of vegetable is jealous?"/"A green bean."

"What kind of vegetable might you find in your basement?"/"Cellary."

"What kind of vegetable never bowls a strike?"/"Asparagus."

"What kind of vegetables did they eat in the 18th century?"/"Baroque-oli."

"What kind of vitamin do you get from Canadian maple syrup?"/"Vitamin Eh?"

"What kind of water do you put into a waterbed?"/"Spring water."

"What kind of water do cats like to drink?"/"Purr-ified water."

"What kind of weather do cupcakes like?"/"Sprinkles."

"What kind of wine do horses drink?"/"Caberneigh."

"What kind of woman do you take me for?”/“We’ve already established that" (Churchill?)

"What kind of work does a weak cat do?"/"Light mouse work."

"What kind of truck is never lonely?"/"A pick-up truck."

"What language do police officers speak?"/"Coptic."

"What language do the Vatican police speak?"/"Pig Latin."

"What language does a billboard speak?"/"Sign language."

"What language does Santa Claus speak?"/"North Polish."

"What language is most commonly used in programming?"/"Profanity."

"What languages do pigs speak?"/"Porktuguese."

"What lights up a football stadium?"/"A football match."

"What line of work should you recommend to an alcoholic, scruffy bum with an attitude?" (joke)

"What looks like half of an apple?"/"The other half."

"What lottery did the broom win?"/"The sweepstakes."

"What major city is the most feminist?"/"Manhatin'."

"What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight?"/"A power failure."

"What makes mandatory vaccinations not tyranny?"/"Magical fairy dust."

"What makes music on your head?"/"A head band."

"What makes taxation not theft?"/"Imagination."

"What makes taxation not theft?"/"Magic."

"What makes taxation not theft?"/"Magical fairy dust."

"What makes taxation not theft?"/"Roads."

"What makes the difference between a gang and a state is the belief that there is a difference..."

"What may be done at any time will be done at no time"

"What month do Christmas trees hate the most?"/"Septimber!"

"What month do trees hate the most?"/"Sep-timber."

"What music do planets listen to?"/"Neptunes."

"What musical instrument goes with cheese?"/"Picklelo."

"What musical instrument goes with cheese?"/"Picklelo."

"What nationality is Santa Claus?"/"North Polish."

"What New Yorkers Line Up For" (Soup Man)

"What New Yorkers Watch" & "As New York As It Gets" (WNYW, Fox 5)

"What news on the Rialto?" (Rialto theatre district)

"What newspaper do cows read?"/"The Daily Moos."

"What newspaper do cows read?"/"The Moo York Times."

"What, no spinach?"

"What number is a sport?"/"Ten is."

"What nut has no shell?"/"A dough-nut."

"What Orwell failed to predict was that we'd buy the cameras ourselves, and our biggest fear..."

"What Our Recovery Knows" ("work" backronym)

"What pan is the best to make sushi in?"/"Japan."

"What part of 'I don’t want to spend anymore money' don’t I understand?"

"What part of libertarianism bothers you?" (meme)

"What part of the chicken is the nugget/croquette/popcorn?"

"What pasta sauce is really good at knocking down pins?"/"Bowlin’ ace."

"What prize did the meteorologist win for coming in last?"/"A precipitation trophy."

"What pronouns should you use for a chocolate bar?"/"Her/she."

"What rhymes with Father's Day? Beer"

"What rhymes with Father's Day? Bourbon"

"What rhymes with Father's Day? Gin"

"What rhymes with Father's Day? Scotch"

"What rhymes with Father's Day? Whiskey"

"What rhymes with Father's Day? Wine"

"What rhymes with orange?"/"No, it doesn't."

"What rock group has four members who can't sing or play instruments?"/"Mount Rushmore."

"What room can you not enter?"/"A mushroom."

"What room do ghosts avoid?"/"The living room."

"What room do ghosts not go in?"/"The living room."

"What room do ghosts stay out of?"/"The living room."

"What runs around a baseball field, but never moves?"/"A fence."

"What scares me most is not the fact that our media is lying to us..."

"What scares me most is not the fact that the media is lying to us..."

"What school do you have to drop out to graduate from?"/"Parachute school."

"What school do you have to drop out of in order to graduate?"/"Skydiving school."

"What school supply is always tired?"/"A knapsack."

"What screams 'I'm insecure'?"/"HTTP."

"What seafood got its great body with a strict sauna regimen?"/"Steamed mussels."

"What season is it when you are on a trampoline?"/"Spring time."

"What season is it when you're on a trampoline?"/"Springtime."

"What seems to be the officer, problem?" ("What's the officer problem?")

"What should we do with people who rely on government handouts but are too lazy to work?" (joke)

"What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?" (joke)

"What should you do if the lights in a Chinese restaurant are too bright?"/"Dim sum."

"What should you say when the Statue of Liberty sneezes?"/"God bless America."

"What should you use to fix your mask if it breaks?"/"Masking tape."

"What smells best at Thanksgiving dinner?"/"Your nose."

"What snacks do cannibals love?"/"Fritos."

"What do turkeys have to be thankful for on Thanksgiving?"/"Vegans."

"What song do burgers sing on the job?"/"Gristle While You Work!"

"What sort of vegetable can your father make with scissors?"/"Pa snips."

"What sound does a turkey's cell phone make?"/"WING WING!!"

"What sport are eggs good at?"/"Running."

"What sport are eggs good at?"/"Running."

"What sport did Jesus play?"/"Lacrosse."

"What stars go to jail?"/"Shooting stars."

"What Starts Here Changes the World" (University of Texas)

"What starts with an 'O', ends in 'nions' and sometimes makes you cry?"/"Opinions."

"What starts with T, ends with T, and is full of T?" (food riddle)

"What street in France do reindeer live on?"/"Rue Dolph."

"What streets do ghosts haunt?"/"Dead ends."

"What superhero do you want on your baseball team?"/"Batman."

"What surfs the internet and goes, 'Choo, Choo'?"/"Thomas the Search Engine."

"What tastes better than it smells?"/"Your tongue."

"What tea do footballers drink?"/"Penaltea."

"What tea do hockey players drink?"/"Penaltea."

"What Texas Makes, Makes Texas"

What the community boards do (and do they really represent the community?)

"What's the difference between a bonus and a penis?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?"/"You cry when you cut up an onion."

"What's the difference between an epileptic oyster fisherman and a hooker with diarrhea?" (joke)

"What the French toast?"

What the Manhattan borough president does

"What this country needs is more free speech worth listening to"

"What this country needs is more unemployed politicians"

"What time do ducks wake up?"/"At the quack of dawn."

"What time is it?"/"Do you mean right now?" (Yogi Berra)

"What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?"/"Time to build a new fence."

"What time is it when you see a cow laying in a field?"/"Pasture bedtime."

"What time is it when you see cows sleeping in a field?"/"Pasture bedtime."

"What time is it when you sit on a pin?"/"Spring time."

"What time is it when you sit on a tack?"/"Spring time."

"What travels around the world but stays in one corner?" (riddle)

"What turns a fruit into a vegetable?"/"AIDS."

"What type of berry makes you smarter?"/"A liberry."

"What type of cheese is made backwards?"/"Edam."

"What type of dairy product is into BDSM?"/"Whipped cream."

"What type of drink makes you lose weight?"/"Lighter fluid."

"What type of magazines do cows read?"/"Cattlelogs."

"What type of music are balloons afraid of?"/"Pop music."

"What type of music do balloons hate?"/"Pop music."

"What type of music scares balloons?"/"Pop music."

"What type of pasta do penguins eat?"/"Penguine."

"What type of people never get angry?"/"The nomads."

"What type of pepper is so hot it makes you scream?"/"A holler-peño."

"What type of person doesn't like pizza? A weirdough"

"What type of sense of humor does rain have?"/"A very wet sense of humor."

"What type of singer sings about candy?"/"A candy wrapper."

"What type of singer sings about candy?"/"A candy wrapper."

"What type of sneakers do chickens wear?"/"Ree-bok-bok-bok-bok."

"What type of tomato smells best?"/"A Roma."

"What type of trainers do chickens wear?"/"Ree-bok-bok-bok-bok."

"What type of wine goes well with back to school?"

"What type of wine goes well with back to school?"

"What type of wine pairs best with existential dread?"

"What vaccine did Doctor Strange take?"/"Astral-Zeneca."

"What vaccine do hippies get?"/"Astral Zeneca."

"What vaccine do occultists use?"/"AstralZeneca."

"What vegetable makes birds fart?"/"A sparrow gas."

"What vegetables would you like for Thanksgiving dinner?"/"Beets me."

"What was Beethoven's favorite fruit?"/"Ba-na-na-na."

"What was Icarus’ least favorite food?"/"Hot wings."

"What was invented before mayonnaise?"/"Aprilonnaise."

"What was Jesus' favorite sport?"/"Lacrosse."

"What was Jesus' least favorite sport?"/"Lacrosse."

"What was Osama Bin Laden's favorite drink?"/"A double Manhattan."

"What was the geometry student looking for at the beach?"/"A tangent."

"What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?"

"What was the unknown baker's name?"/"John Dough."

"What we resist, persists"

"What we stand for is what we stand on" (environmental activism)

"What we teach children to love and desire outweighs what we make them learn"

"What were restaurants called during the Jurassic?"/"Diner-saurs."

"What were the Aggie's last words?" / "Hey y'all, watch this!"(joke)

"What whiskey will not cure, there is no cure for"

"What will you actually find at the end of every rainbow?"/"The letter W."

"What wine pairs best with existential dread?"

"What wobbles and flies?"/"A jellycopter."

"What wobbles when it flies?"/"A jelly-copter."

"What would be a Cornish pirate's favorite cheese?"/"Yarrrrg."

"What would be sold at an inconvenience store?"/"Incontinental breakfast."

"What would Economics be without assumptions?"/"Accounting."

"What would happen if pigs could fly? Bacon would go up"

"What Would Jesus Brew?" (WWJB)

"What Would Jesus Do?" (WWJD); "What Would Reagan Do?" (WWRD)

"What Would Julia Do?" (WWJD)

"What would two termites order at a restaurant?"/"Table for 2."

"What would we do without garlic and onions"

"What would we do without onions and garlic"

"What would you call a super successful poultry farmer?"/"Chick magnate."

"What would you find in Charles Dickens' kitchen?"/"The best of thymes, the worst of thymes."

"What would you find on a haunted beach?"/"A sand witch."

"What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day?"/"St. O'Claus."

"What yoga really is: spending an entire hour trying not to fart"

"What you allow is what will continue"

"What you appreciate appreciates"

"What you eat in private you wear in public"

"What you eat today walks and talks tomorrow"

"What You See Is What You Get" (WYSIWYG)

Whataboutism

Whatchamacallit (what you may call it)

"Whatever bakes your cake"

"Whatever butters your biscuit"

"Whatever life throws at you, duck and let it hit someone else"

"Whatever melts your butter"

"Whatever sprinkles your donut"

"'Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not in cockroaches.' – a NYC tenant'"

"Whatever tickles your pickle"

"Whatever trips your trigger"

"Whatever you allow the government to do to others it will eventually do to you"

"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood"

"'What'll it be, Hun?' -- Southern waitress serving Attila"

"What's 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?"/"A lawyer's tie."

"What's 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?"/"My boss's tie."

"What's a cannibal's favorite cookie?"/"Ladyfingers."

"What's a cannibal's favorite meal?"/"Kate and Sidney pie."

"What's a cat's favorite button on the TV remote control?"/"Pause."

"What's a cat's favorite condiment?"/"Catsup"

"What's a cat's favorite condiment?"/"Mayo."

"What's a cat's favorite condiment?"/"Moustard."

"What's a cat's favorite condiment?"/"Whiskershire sauce."

"What’s a cat's favorite soda?"/"Meowtain Dew."

"What is a chef's favorite soft drink?"/"Baking soda."

"What's a chef's weapon of choice?"/"A salt rifle."

"What's a chicken's favorite game in the pool?"/"Marco Pollo."

"What's a chicken's favorite vegetable?"/"Bok bok bok choy."

"What's a comedian's least favorite drink?"/"Booze."

"What’s a communist’s favorite unit of time?"/"Hours."

"What’s a cowboy’s favorite holiday?"/"Y’alloween." (y'all + Halloween)

"What’s a cow’s favorite moosical note?"/"Beef-flat."

"What's a cow's favorite musical note?"/"Beef-flat."

"What's a cow's favorite TV show?"/"Graze Anatomy."

"What's a dog's favorite Greek sweet pastry?"/"Barklava."

"What's a drummer's favorite vegetable?"/"Beats."

"What’s a drummer's favorite vegetable?"/"Beets."

"What's a farmer's favorite raisin?"/"A barn raisin."

"What's a fresh vegetable?"/"One that insults a farmer."

"What's a ghost's favorite fruit?"/"Boo-berry."

"What's a Grecian urn?" (joke)

"What's a killer whale's favorite pasta?"/"Penguine."

"What's a killer whale's favorite pasta?"/"Penguini."

"What's a kinky Italian's favorite dish?"/"Fetish-ini Alfredo."

"What's a KKK member's favorite donut?"/"White powder."

"What's a lawyer's favorite cocktail?"/"Subpoena Colada!"

"What's a lawyer's ideal weight?"/"About three pounds, including the urn."

"What's a light-year?"/"One-third less calories than a regular year."

"What's a math teacher's favorite dessert?"/"Pi."

"What's a math teacher's favorite dessert?"/"Pi."

"What's a math teacher's favorite drink?"/"Root beer."

"What's a math teacher's favorite drink?"/"Root beer."

"What’s a Mennonite’s favorite kind of raisin?"/"Barn raisin’."

"What's a Met Gala?"/"A type of apple found in New York. Also why it's called the Big Apple."

"What's a Meta?"/"Nothing. What's a Meta with you?"

"What's a Meta for?"

"What's a Meta you? Gotta no respect! Wadda you think you do? Ahh shuddup you Facebook!"

"What's a monster's favorite bean?"/"A human bean."

"What’s a mythical gourd with an attitude?"/"A sass-squash."

"What's a paradox?"/"Two places to park your boat."

"What's a penguin's favorite type of pasta?"/"Penguini."

"What's a pig's favorite musical?"/"Hamilton."

"What's a pig's least favorite musical?"/"Hamilton."

"What's a pirate's favorite cheese?"/"Cheddarrrr."

"What's a pirate's favorite cheese?"/"Havarrrrrti."

"What's a pirate's favorite cheese?"/"Yarrrrrrrrlsberg."

"What's a pirate's favorite element?"/"ARRRRRRRRRgon."

"What's a pirate's favorite element?"/"The element of surprise."

"What's a pirate's favorite food?"/"Arrrrrtichokes."

"What's a pirate's favorite kind of cookie?"/"Ships Ahoy!"

"What's a pirate's favorite kind of socks?"/"Arrrrgyle."

"What's a pirate's favorite restaurant?"/"Arrrby's."

"What's a pirate's favorite school subject?"/"Arrrrrrrrrrt."

"What's a pirate's least favorite letter?" (computer piracy joke)

"What's a pizza's favorite relative?"/"Aunt Chovie."

"What's a pizza's favorite relative?"/"Aunt Chovy."

"What's a police officer's favorite gaming console?"/"WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U."

"What’s a police officer’s favorite gaming console?"/"WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U."

"What's a porcupine's favorite kind of sandwich?"/"Quilled cheese."

"What's a pretzel's favorite dance?"/"The Twist."

"What's a pretzel's favorite dance?"/"The Twist."

"What's a seal's favorite subject?"/"Art art art!"

"What's a shy and retiring accountant?" (joke)

"What's a skier's favorite lunch meat?"/"Slalami."

"What's a skier's favorite lunch meat?"/"Slalomi."

"What's a skunk's favorite game in school?"/"Show and smell."

"What's a suicide bomber's worst fear?"/"Dying alone."

"What's a survivalist's favorite drink?"/"Dr Prepper."

"What's a survivalist's favorite soda?"/"Dr Prepper."

"What's a teddy bear's favorite pasta?"/"Tagliateddy."

"What's a thousand times better than Instagram?"/"Instakilogram."

"What's a three-season bed?"/"One without a spring."

"What’s a tired dragon’s favorite steak?"/"Flamin' yawn."

"What's a tuba for?" (joke)

"What's a vampire's favorite fruit?"/"A blood orange."

"What's a vampire's favorite fruit?"/"A necktarine."

"What's a vampire's favorite ice cream?"/"Veinilla."

"What's a vampire's least favorite newspaper(s)?"/"The Sun and The Mirror."

"What's a volcano's favorite dessert?"/"BakLava."

"What's a web designer's favorite tea?"/"URL Grey."

"What's a web developer's favorite tea?"/"URL Grey."

"What's a werewolf's favorite sauce?"/"Béchamel, because it starts with a rouuuuuuuux."

"What's a wok?"/"Something you fwow at a wabbit."

"What's a zombie's favorite weather?"/"Brainstorms."

"What's an accountant's idea of trashing a hotel room?"/"Not filling out the comment card."

"What's an accountant's idea of trashing a hotel room?"/"Not filling out the comment card."

"What's an alcoholic's least favorite part of a baseball game?"/"The bottom of the fifth."

"What's an Amish person's favorite kind of raisin?"/"A barn raisin."

"What's an anagram of "thaws'"

"What’s an ideal name for a Vietnamese-Italian fusion restaurant?"/"Pho-geddaboudit."

"What's an Irish windbreaker?"/"Someone who's had too much corned beef and cabbage."

"What's an ISIS terrorist's favorite wine?"/"A Zinfidel."

"What's better than eating a mandarin?"/"Eating Amanda out."

"What's better than enchiladas?"/"n+1 chiladas."

"What's better than roses on your piano?"/"Tulips on your organ."

"What's Bigfoot's favorite Thanksgiving side?"/"Sas-squash."

"What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?" (lawyer joke)

"What's black and doesn't work?"/"Decaf coffee, you racist."

"What's black and white and never right?"/"A hockey referee."

"What's black and white and read all over?" (newspaper riddle)

"What's black and white and red all over?"/"A blushing zebra."

"What's black and white and red all over?"/"A sunburned zebra."

"What's black and white and red all over?"/"An embarrassed zebra."

"What's blue and looks like a tomato?"/"A red tomato in disguise."

"What's classy if you're rich, but trashy if you're poor?"/"Getting money from the government."

"What’s considered trashy if you’re poor, but classy if you’re rich?"/"Getting govt. money."

"What's cookin'?" (What's cooking?")

"What's Darth Vader's favorite Canadian dish?"/"Palpoutine."

"What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets?"/"Women."

"What’s every road worker’s favorite candy?"/"A pavemint."

"What's 'excuse me'?" (New Yorker joke)

"What's half fruit, half dog and is rather sad?"/"A melon collie."

"What's in the well comes up in the bucket" (proverb)

"What's Irish and sits in the back yard?"/"Paddy O'Furniture."

"What's it called when the people doing the fact checking are controlled by the same people lying?"

"What's it called when you run 26.2 miles in underwear?"/"A marathong."

"What's larger than a pico de gallo?"/"A kilo de gallo."

"What's long and thin, covered in skin, red in parts and goes in tarts?"/"Rhubarb."

"What's next, is vinegar going to be renamed vi?"

"What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?"/"A carrot."

"What's Osama bin Laden's favorite football team?"/"The New York Jets."

"What's red and green and wears boxing gloves?"/"A fruit punch."

"What’s really selfish is expecting other individuals to surrender their liberties..."

"What's red and invisible?"/"No tomatoes."

"What's red, white and blue at Christmas time?"/"A sad candy cane."

"What's red, white, black and blue?"/"Uncle Sam falling down the stairs."

"What's Santa Claus's favorite drink?"/"White Claws."

"What's Santa's favorite alcoholic drink?"/"White Claus."

"What's Santa's favorite sandwich?"/"Peanut butter and jolly."

"What's Santa's favorite snack food?"/"Crisp Pringles."

"What is sexier than salad dressing?"/"Salad undressing."

"What's shakin' bacon?"

"What's something a drug dealer would never ask?"/"'Is Pepsi okay?'"

"What's Stalin's favorite coffee?"/"Represso."

"What’s the best cheese to lure a bear out of a cave?"/"Camembert."

"What's the best day to eat bacon?"/"Fry-day."

"What’s the best day to fly a kite?"/"Windsday."

"What’s the best field event in athletics? Discus"

"What’s the best kind of grass for your front yard?"/"Emo grass because it cuts itself."

"What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?"/"Japan."

"What's the best machine to impress women at the gym?"/"The ATM."

"What's the best month to make coffee?"/"Fe-brew-ary."

"What's the best Olympic sport?"/"Diving, hands down."

"What's the best pancake topping?"/"More pancakes."

"What's the best place to buy Cheerios and donuts?"/"Hole Foods."

"What's the best present for a musician?"/"A broken drum. You can't beat it."

"What's the best thing about a swimming pool bar?" (joke)

"What's the best part about dating a Mets fan?"/"You know she's not looking for a ring."

"What's the best thing for a hangover?"/"Drink loads the night before."

"What's the best thing to eat with jacket potatoes?"/"Button mushrooms."

"What's the best thing to put into a cake or pie?"/"Your teeth."

"What's best way to build upper arm strength? Take lots of selfies"

"What's the best way to catch a fish?"/"Have someone throw it to you."

"What’s the best way to cook alligator?"/"In a crockpot."

"What's the best way to eat a hot dog?"/"With relish."

"What’s the best way to get walnuts and Brazil nuts to laugh?"/"Crack them up."

"What's the best way to serve a stack of puncakes?"/"Syruptitiously."

"What's the best way to stuff a turkey?"/"Take him out for pizza and ice cream!"

"What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?"/"Live stream."

"What's the biggest lie on the internet?"/"I have read and agree to the terms of use."

"What's the cheapest way to buy a boat?"/"Hull sale."

"What’s the coldest kind of cheese?"/"Brrrrrrata. "

"What's the coldest vegetable?"/"Arctichoke."

"What's the coldest vegetable?"/"Brrroccoli."

"What's the coldest vegetable?"/"Chili pepper."

"What's the coldest vegetable?"/"Chilly pepper."

"What's the coldest vegetable?"/"Cucumbrrr."

"What's the coldest vegetable?"/"Iceberg lettuce."

"What's the Constitution among friends?"

"What's the coolest vegetable?"/"A rad-ish."

"What's the damage?" (cost of the meal)

"What's the deal with airline food?"

"What's the deal with airplane food?"

"What's the definition of endless love?"/"Two blind people playing tennis."

"What's the derivative of Amazon?"/"Amazon Prime."

"What's the devil's favorite spice?"/"SINnamon."

"What's the difference between a politician and an onion?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow?"/"You can't milk a cow for X years."

"What's the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak? February 14th"

"What's the difference between a bad dog and a hot dog?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a banker and a pigeon?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a barber and a stylist?"/"$50."

"What's the difference between a bartender and a mixologist?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?"/"Porcupines have pricks on the outside."

"What's the difference between a bond and a bond trader?"/"The bond matures."

"What’s the difference between a bowl of moldy lettuce and a depressing song?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between a bus driver and a cold?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between a cactus and a caucus?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a camera and a sock?"/"One takes photos, the other takes 5 toes."

"What's the difference between a candle and a curry?"/"A candle only burns at one end."

"What’s the difference between a college freshman and a high school senior?"/"Three months."

"What's the difference between a college student and a camel?"/"A camel can go without drinking."

"What’s the difference between a conspiracy theory and the truth?"/"About 6-12 months."

"What's the difference between a conspiracy theory and the truth?"/"Five years."

"What's the difference between a conspiracy theory and the truth?"/"Time."

"What's the difference between a cop and a bullet?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between a cow and the Holocaust?"

"What's the difference between a diploma and a roll of wallpaper?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a DJ and a dog?"/"The dog knows when to stop scratching."

"What's the difference between a dog and a fox?"/"About five drinks."

"What's the difference between a drug cartel and the government?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a feminist and a baby?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a feminist and a gun?"/"A gun has only one trigger."

"What's the difference between a feminist and a hockey player? (joke)

"What's the difference between a feminist and a hockey player? (joke)

"What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a fig and a date?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a fund manager and a shopping trolley?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a genie and a genius?"' (joke)

"What's the difference between a golf ball and an electric car?"/"A ball can be driven 300 yards."

"What's the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a golfer and a fisherman?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing"

"What's the difference between a gun and a whiny liberal?"/"A gun has only one trigger."

"What's the difference between a high school reunion and a hockey game? (joke)

"What's the difference between a hockey game and a high school reunion?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a hockey game and a boxing match?" (joke)

"What’s the difference between a hot dog and a pit bull?" (riddle)

"What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a hunter and a fisherman?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?"/"About three decibels."

"What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe?"/"A canoe tips."

"What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe?"/"A canoe tips."

"What’s the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?"/"One sells watches, one watches cells."

"What's the difference between a king and a bartender?"/"One reigns and the other pours."

"What's the difference between a large chested lobster and a dirty bus stop?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?" (lawyer joke)

"What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?" (lawyer joke)

"What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?" (lawyer joke)

"What's the difference between a lawyer and a duck?" (lawyer joke)

"What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?" (lawyer joke)

"What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?"/"The lawyer charges more."

"What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?" (lawyer joke)

"What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?" (lawyer joke)

"What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?" (lawyer joke)

"What's the difference between a liberal and a gun?"/"A gun has only one trigger."

"What's the difference between a man and a margarita?"/"A margarita hits the spot every time."

"What's the difference between a medical student and a camel?"/"A camel can go without drinking."

"What's the difference between a minarchist and an anarchist? Six months"

"What's the difference between a musician and a pizza?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a musician and a pizza?" (joke)

"What’s the difference between a philosopher and an engineer?"/"About $50,000 a year."

"What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?" (joke)

"What’s the difference between a pirate and a cranberry farmer?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between a pizza and an emo pizza?"/"An emo pizza slices itself."

"What’s the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?"/"My pizza jokes can’t be topped!"

"What's the difference between a platypus and a head of lettuce?"/"One is a funny beast..."

"What's the difference between a plumber and a politician?" (joke)

"What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?"/"The letter F."

"What’s the difference between a politician and a snail?" (joke)

"What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle & well-dressed man on a bicycle?

"What's the difference between a puppy and a folk singer?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a rabid dog and a hot dog?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between a rimshot and a rimjob?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a rouble and a dollar?"/"A dollar."

"What's the difference between a ruble and a dollar?"/"A dollar."

"What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a sewing machine and a female jogger?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a spring roll and a summer roll?"/"Seasoning."

"What's the difference between a T-bone steak and a meteorite?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?" (lawyer joke)

"What's the difference between a tribe of clever pygmies and a girls' track team?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between a unicorn and a carrot?"/"One is a funny beast..."

"What's the difference between a unicorn and lettuce?"/"One is a funny beast..."

"What's the difference between a vaccine passport and a yellow star?"/"82 years."

"What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?" (lawyer joke)

"What's the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between a velodrome and a palindrome?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a violinist and a dog?"/"The dog knows when to stop scratching."

"What's the difference between a violist and a dog?"/"The dog knows when to stop scratching."

"What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a writer and a park bench?"/"A park bench can support a family."

"What's the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?" (joke)

"What's the difference between an actress and a hooker?" (joke)

"What's the difference between an Afghani military base and a Pakistani elementary school?" (joke)

"What's the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?" (joke)

"What’s the difference between an American and a computer?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?"/"The apple gets picked."

"What's the difference between an ass-kisser and a brown noser?"/"Depth perception."

"What's the difference between an English major and a park bench?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?"/"One less drunk."

"What's the difference between an orchestra and a bull?" (joke)

"What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?" (joke)

"What's the difference between being hungry and horny?"/"Where you put the cucumber."

"What's the difference between being tired and exhausted?"

"What's the difference between bigfoot and lettuce?"/"One is a funny beast..."

"What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?"/"Kids won't eat broccoli."

"What's the difference between communism & a pencil?"/"The pencil works on things other than paper."

"What's the difference between Coors beer and a clitoris?" (NFSW riddle)

"What’s the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo & Juliet?"/"Coronavirus & Verona Crisis."

"What's the difference between COVID and a Karen?" (NSFW joke)

"What's the difference between COVID-19 and your mom?" (NSFW joke)

"What's the difference between EA and North Korea?" (gaming joke)

"What's the difference between England and a tea bag? (soccer joke)

"What’s the difference between George Washington and a duck?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between God and a federal court judge?" (joke)

"What's the difference between Gordon Ramsay's favorite dish and a slow running computer?" (riddle)

"What’s the difference between Hanukkah and a dragon?" (riddle)

"What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care"

"What’s the difference between jam and jelly?"/"There is no such thing as traffic jelly."

"What's the difference between jam and jelly?"/"You can’t get stuck in a traffic jelly."

"What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?" (joke)

"What's the difference between male spaghetti and female spaghetti?"/"Meatballs."

"What's the difference between men and pigs?"/"Pigs don't turn into men when they drink."

"What's the difference between Middle Earth and New York City?"/"Two towers."

"What's the difference between musicians and government bonds?" (joke)

"What's the difference between new age and pagan?" (joke)

"What's the difference between one yard and two yards?"/"A fence."

"What's the difference between p-- and parsley?"/"Nobody eats parsley."

"What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?" (joke)

"What's the difference between rotten lettuce and a depressing song?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?"/"Snowballs."

"What's the difference between socialism and democratic socialism?" (meme)

"What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?"/"Seasoning."

"What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the normal alphabet?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between the circus and the Rockettes?" (joke)

"What’s the difference between the Cleveland Browns and the alphabet?"/"The alphabet has a W."

"What's the difference between the Pope and your boss?"/"The Pope only makes you kiss his ring."

"What's the difference between the Titanic and Al Qaeda?"/"Al Qaeda made it to New York."

"What's the difference between unlawful and illegal?" (joke)

"What's the difference between USA and USB?" (joke)

"What's the difference between vaccine papers and a yellow star?"/"82 years."

"What's the difference between virgin olive oil and regular olive oil?" (NSFW joke)

"What's the difference between you and a calendar?"/"A calendar has a date on Valentine's Day."

"What’s the Earth’s favorite fizzy drink?"/"Tectonic water."

"What’s the easiest shot in golf?"/"Your fourth putt."

"What’s the exchange rate between pounds, rubles, dollars?"/"A pound of rubles equals a dollar."

"What's the fanciest kind of cheese?"/"Guccis."

"What's the fastest fast food?"/"Lamb-burger-inis."

"What's the fastest vegetable?"/"A runner bean."

"What's the fastest way to the hospital?"/"Just say something bad about Texas!" (joke)

"What's the fastest way to transfer money?"/"Get married."

"What's the funniest bunch of fruit?"/"A pun-net of strawberries."

"What's the greatest cheese of all time?"/"GOAT cheese."

"What's the hardest part about skateboarding?"/"Telling your parents you're gay."

"What's the hardest part of making a vegan pizza?"/"Skinning the vegan."

"What's the hardest thing about skydiving?"/"The ground."

"What's the hardest thing to sell to a ghost?"/"Life insurance."

"What's the heaviest soup in the world?"/"Wonton soup."

"What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?"/"The turkey."

"What's the kindest vegetable?"/"A sweet potato."

"What's the most popular spice in hell?"/"Sinnamon."

"What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a windshield?" (riddle)

"What's the last thing the drummer said before getting kicked out of the band?" (joke)

"What's the least diverse profession in the country?"/"Chief diversity officer."

"What's the longest piece of furniture in the school?"/"The multiplication table."

"What's the loudest pet?"/"A trumpet."

"What's the main difference between a duck and George Washington?" (riddle)

"What's the main religion of most ghosts?"/"Boo dism."

"What's the mortician's favorite workout?"/"Deadlift."

"What's the most dishonest berry?"/"A LIEberry."

"What's the most expensive video-streaming service at this time?"/"University."

"What's the most heartbreaking herb?"/"Bae leaves."

"What's the most musical part of a turkey?"/"The drumstick."

"What's the most musical part of a turkey?"/"The drumstick."

"What is the most pirated Apple product?"/"iPatch."

"What's the most popular Christmas wine?"/"I don't like Brussels sprouts!"

"What's the most popular drink ordered at bars?"/"One more."

"What's the only major difference between Cinco de Mayo and Saint Patrick's Day?" (joke)

"What's the only thing a vegan kills?"/"A conversation."

"What's the opposite of a cool cat?"/"A hot dog."

"What's the opposite of a croissant?"/"A happy uncle."

"What's the opposite of a fish out of water?"/"A fish in sea."

"What's the opposite of a hot dog?"/"A chili dog."

"What's the opposite of a hot dog?"/"A cool cat."

"What's the opposite of a tsunami?"/"A microwave."

"What's the opposite of a tsunami?"/"A microwave."

"What's the opposite of above knee?"/"Baloney."

"What's the opposite of bologna?"/"Above knee."

"What's the opposite of donut?"/"Donotnut!"

"What's the opposite of drunken noodles?"/"Soba noodles."

"What’s the opposite of formaldehyde?"/ "Casualdejekyll."

"What's the opposite of ground beef?"/"High steaks."

"What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?"/"Herastandin pepper."

"What’s the opposite of isolate?"/"I so early."

"What’s the opposite of isolate?"/"You so early."

"What's the opposite of ladyfingers?"/"Mentos."

"What's the opposite of soba noodles?"/"Drunken noodles."

"What's the opposite of syrup?"/"Madamdown."

"What's the past tense of Swiss cheese?"/"Swass Cheese."

"What's the point of being afraid of the zombie apocalypse when you're already a zombie?"

"What's the presidential ventilator called?"/"Forced Air One."

"What's the quickest way into town?" (joke)

"What's the range of a tuba?" (joke)

"What's the resemblance between a green apple and a red apple?" (riddle)

"What's the result of tossing a live grenade into a French kitchen?" (joke)

"What's the saddest herb?"/"Bae leaves."

"What's the scariest dessert?"/"Terrormisu."

"What's the scoop?"

"What's the shittiest day of the week?"/"SaTURDay."

"What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?" (joke)

"What's the sleepiest thing at the Thanksgiving table?"/"Nap-kins."

"What's the slowest soup a chef can prepare?"/"Turtle soup."

"What's the story, Jerry?" (JGE); "Forget about it!" (Tops Appliance City)

"What's the strongest vegetable?"/"A muscle sprout."

"What's the tallest building?" or "What building has the most stories?" (joke)

"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money"

"What's the wage gap between all 58 genders?"

"What's the wage gap between all 99 genders?!"

"What's the worst name for a history lesson?"/"A crash course on 9/11."

"What's the worst thing about ancient history class?"/"The teachers tend to Babylon."

"What's the worst thing to find in stockings at Christmas?"/"Your dad."

"What's the worst vegetable to bring on a boat?"/"A leek."

"What's up, cake?"/"Muffin much."

"What's up, sir?"/"The opposite of syrup?"

"What's water squared?"/"Ice cube."

"What's way more dangerous than the coronavirus? The belief that government cares about you"

"What's white and annoying at breakfast?"/"An avalanche."

"What's white and goes up?"/"A confused snowflake."

"What's worse than 9/11?"/"311."

"What's worse than a chip breaking off in the dip? The second chip, on a rescue mission, ..."

"What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm!"

"What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?"/"The Holocaust."

"What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis" (joke)

"What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis" (joke)

"What's worse than spiders on your piano?"/"Crabs on your organ."

"What's yellow and square?"/"A tomato in disguise."

"What's yellow and white and throws itself off the edge of the dining table?"/"A lemming meringue."

"What's your biggest weakness?"/"I don't know when to quit." (job interview joke)

"What's your favorite musical instrument?"/"The lunch bell."

"What's your greatest weakness?" (job interview joke)

"Wheat Thins implies the existence of Wheat Thiccs"

"Wheat Thins implies the existence of Wheat Thicks"

"Wheat Thins imply the existence of Wheat Thiccs"

"Wheat Thins imply the existence of Wheat Thicks"

Wheatheart of the Nation (Perryton slogan)

"Wheel, wheel, wheel, if it isn't the tricycle"

Wheeler's Which Close ("Don't ask if -- ask which" sales technique)

"When a bicycle thief goes to jail, it is because he was peddling stolen goods"

"When a billionaire dies, who inherits their congressmen?"

"When a billionaire dies, who inherits their politicians?"

"When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?"

"When a butcher sings in the bathtub it's probably beef-flat"

"When a cannibal under cooks a psychic: medium rare"

"When a clock battery dies, the clock records the time of its death"

"When a clown moves into a palace, he doesn't become a king. The palace becomes a circus"

"When a computer overheats, it freezes"

"When a diplomat says yes, he means perhaps..."

"When a door closes another door should open, but if it doesn't then go in through the window"

"When a drummer comes out of retirement, there are repercussions"

"When a fellow says, 'It ain't the money but the principle of the thing,' it's the money"

"When a girl at the gym tightens her ponytail, you know shit is about to go down"

"When a girl is playing a sport and she tightens her ponytail, you know shit's about to go down"

"When a girl is working out and she tightens her ponytail, you know it's about to go down"

"When a habit begins to cost money, it is called a hobby"

"When a Man Does the BBQ" (joke)

"When a man opens the car door for his wife, either the car is new or the wife is"

"When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband and half the salary"

"When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: He hasn't any"

"When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: 'Whose?'"

"When a man with money meets a man with experience..."

"When a politician does get an idea he usually gets it wrong"

"When a poor man eats a chicken, one of them is sick"

"When a recipe tells you to separate two eggs, how far is acceptable?" (joke)

"When a southern person betrays you: betray'all"

"When a vegan goes missing do they put them on a soymilk carton?"

"When a woman puts me in the friend zone, I immediately borrow money from her"

"When accountants go insane, do they start to hear invoices?

"When action meets compassion, lives change"

"When alcohol doesn't count: 1. Friday night 2. All weekend 3. When it's sunny 4. Birthday..."

"When alcohol doesn't count: 1. When it's sunny 2. When it's cloudy"

"When alcohol doesn't count: 1. When it's sunny 2. Your birthday 3. Friday nights 4. All weekend..."

"When all else fails… Pizza & Beer"

"When all else fails, read the instructions"

"When all else fails, vote from the rooftops"

"When all is said and done, more is said than done"

"When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye"

"When an old man dies, a library burns to the ground" (proverb)

"When any nation mistrusts its citizens with guns it is sending a clear message"

"When anyone says he's a country boy, you better put your hand on your wallet"

"When baking dog biscuits, be sure to use collie flour"

"When black cats prowl and pumpkins gleam, may luck be yours on Halloween"

"When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion"

"When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?"

"When Christianity came to America, it became a business"

"When Chuck Norris eats at a restaurant, the wait staff tips him"

"When Chuck Norris eats at a restaurant, the waiter tips him"

"When Chuck Norris eats at a restaurant, the waitress tips him"

"When communists have sex, do they seize the means of reproduction?"

"When computers ask 'Are you a robot?' they might just be trying to find their family"

"When did innocent until proven guilty become sick until proven healthy?"

"When did my muffin top turn into a 5-layer cake?"

"When did the Japanese start eating omelettes?"/"A long tamago."

"When did you stop beating your wife?"/"When her chess game improved."

"When diet is wrong, medicine is of no use. When diet is correct, medicine is of no need"

"When do burgers quit their jobs?"/"The day they decide to meat loaf."

"When do cannibals leave the table?"/"When everyone's eaten."

"When do clocks die?"/"When their time is up."

"'When do we eat stuff?' -My brain, all day"

"When do we get to cash in all this daylight we've been saving?"

"When do you go on red and stop on green?"/"When eating a watermelon."

"When do you know it is time for the cows to go to sleep?"/"When it is pasture bedtime."

"When do you serve tofu turkey?"/"Pranksgiving."

"When do zombies finish trick or treating?"/"When they are dead tired!"

"When do zombies go to sleep?"/"When they are dead tired."

"When does a ghost have breakfast?"/"In the moaning."

"When does a hunger strike stop?"/"When hunger strikes."

"When does a joke become a dad joke?"/"When the punchline becomes apparent."

"When does a joke become a dad joke?"/"When it leaves you and never comes back."

"When does a joke become a dad joke?"/"When it's fully groan."

"When does a lawyer make coffee?"/"When he has sufficient grounds."

"When does a sandwich cook?"/"When it's bakin' lettuce and tomato."

"When does an astronaut eat?"/"At launch time."

"When does it rain money?"/"Whenever there's some change in the weather."

"When does New Year's Day come before Christmas?"/"Every year!"

"When does the leprechaun cross the road?"/"When it’s green!"

"When doesn't a telephone work underwater?"/"When it's wringing wet."

"When Dracula shops online, he keeps clicking 'Your Account'"

"When E. F. Hutton talks, people listen" (E. F. Hutton)

"When elephants fight, it is the grass that suffers"

"When emotions are too strong for words, sing. When emotions are too strong for song, dance"

"When enough people understand reality, tyrants can literally be ignored out of existence"

"When even shoeshine boys are giving you stock tips, it's time to sell" (Joseph P. Kennedy?)

"When every other land rejects us, this is the soil that freely takes us" ("Texas" folk etymology)

"When everybody gets to one side of the boat, it usually tips over"

"When everything is a priority, nothing is a priority"

"When everything seems to be going against you, remember that an airplane takes off against wind"

"When exposing a crime is treated as committing a crime, you are being ruled by criminals"

"When God gave out brains, I thought He said trains, and I missed mine"

"When God gave out chins, I thought He said gins, so I said I'll have a double"

"When God gave out ears, I thought He said beers, so I took two big ones"

"When God gave out legs, I thought He said kegs, so I took two short fat ones"

"When Greek meets Greek, they open a restaurant"

"When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns"

"When Harry Potter lived under the stairs it was considered child abuse. But in New York it's considered a $3800 studio apartment"

"When has a man a right to scold his wife about his coffee?"/"When he has sufficient grounds."

"When hell freezes over, I'll play hockey there, too"

"When homeless people ask me for change, I tell them 'change comes from within'"

"When I accidentally bought the wrong type of bread, my day had gone a rye"

"When I applied for shift work, I didn't realize the 'F' was silent"

"When I asked a taxidermist what she did for a living, she replied with 'You know, stuff'"

"When I die, bury me in Chicago because I want to remain politically active"

"When I die, I want the Mets to be my pallbearers so they can let me down one last time"

"When I die, I want the people I did group projects with to lower me into my grave" (joke)

"When I do good I feel good and when I do bad I feel bad, and that's my religion"

"When I dunk my cookies, I pretend they are you and hold them under till the bubbles stop"

"When I dunk my cookies, I think of you and hold them under until the bubbles stop"

"When I dunk my cookies in my milk, I think of you (and hold them under until the bubbles stop)"

"When I eat at a restaurant, the waiter tips me"

"When I eat at a restaurant, the waitress tips me"

"When I exercise, I wear all black -- it's like a funeral for my fat"

"When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog, like I'm a blackjack dealer"

"When I found out my microwave wasn't waterproof, I was shocked"

"When I found out my new toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked"

"When I get my tax money, I'm cooking my ramen noodles in Fiji water"

"When I get my taxes, I'm boiling my ramen noodles in Fiji water"

"When I get younger, I'm going to be a time traveller"

"When I grow up, I'd like to be a retired lottery winner"

"When I hear somebody sigh that 'Life is hard,' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'"

When I make a mistake, it's a beaut!

"When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a housewarming party and now I'm homeless"

"When I order Amazon chicken pellets, I get an email a few days later asking for their feed back!"

"When I order pizza online and there’s a 'Notes' box, I put 'Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON'"

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading"

"When I said butter, I actually meant ghee. I should have clarified"

"When I said 'nuke the Chinese,' I meant put the takeout in the microwave"

"When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed"

"When I say I go to the gym religiously, I mean every Christmas and Easter"

"When I say 'I'll figure it out' I mean I'll just adapt to whatever new level of hell is coming"

"When I see a bruised apple at the grocery store, I hold it close & whisper, 'Who did this to you?'"

"When I suck in my belly where does the fat go? And why can't science make it stay there?"

"When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance"

"When I was a kid, my social network was called 'outside'"

"When I was a kid "the server is down" meant your waiter was depressed"

"When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk miles to call me a bastard"

"When I was a kid, there was no Internet. So people would walk miles to call me an asshole"

"When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk miles to call me a bitch"

"When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk miles to call me a cunt"

"When I was a single man, I had lots of free time. Then I started listening to whole albums"

"When I was at school, people used to throw gold bars at me. I was the victim of bullion"

"When I was at school, people used to throw gold bars at me. I was the victim of bullion"

"When I was in school a policeman came in & did a talk on drugs. I didn't understand a word he said"

"When I was in the army I killed more men than anybody. I was the cook"

"When I was older, I used to love playing around with time machines"

"When I was young, I was poor. But after years of hard, honest work, I'm no longer young"

"When I was your age, I had to walk through 10 feet of shag carpet to change the TV channel"

"When I'm at Chipotle, l always wait until after the employee puts the first scoop of chicken on my burrito..."

"When I'm at the store and getting something, I grab the one behind it..."

"When I'm at work it's sunny and nice, after work, cold and raining"

"When I'm behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see..."

"When in charge, ponder; When in trouble, delegate; When in doubt, mumble"

"When in danger, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout"

"When in doubt, add more wine"

"When in doubt, do right" ("When in doubt, do the right thing")

"When in doubt, drink coffee and look busy"

"When in doubt, drink more wine"

"When in doubt, get out" or "When in doubt, stay out" (Wall Street adage)

"When in doubt, make it stout" (mechanical engineering adage)

"When in doubt, pedal it out"

"When in doubt, throw it out" (food spoilage rule)

"When in doubt, trust your gut, hug your dog, and eat a donut"

"When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty" ('When injustice is law, rebellion is duty")

"When is an Irish potato not an Irish potato?"/"When it's a FRENCH fry!"

"When is soup musical?"/"When it's piping hot."

"When is the best time for a dental appointment?"/"Tooth-hurty (2:30)."

"When is the best time to buy a boat?"/"When it's on sail."

"When is the employee Christmas party for self-check at Walmart?"

"When is the employee Christmas party for self-checkout at Walmart?"

"When it becomes serious, you have to lie"

"When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing"

"When it comes to sneaking chocolate into the movies, I have a couple Twix up my sleeve"

"When it rains, look for rainbows. When it’s dark, look for stars"

"When it says on my potatoes ‘store in a cool, dark place,’ do you mean like a jazz club?"

"When it snows, you have two choices -- shovel or make snow angels"

"When it's night, look for the stars. When it's morning, look for the coffee"

"When it's over, leave. Don't continue watering a dead flower"

"When Jesus is born, I get presents. When Jesus dies, I get chocolate"

"When life gives you a broken taco, make tortilla chips"

"When life gives you broken taco shells, make nachos"

"When life gives you broken taco shells, make taco salad"

"When life gives you broken tacos, make nachos"

"When life gives you broken tacos, make taco salad"

"When life gives you gators, make Gatorade"

"When life gives you lemmings, make lemming meringue pie"

"When life gives you lemons, give them back and tell life you want coffee"

"When life gives you lemons, give them back and tell them you want coffee"

"When life gives you lemons. Life probably stole those lemons from some nice old lady"

"When life gives you lemons, make a whiskey sour. For God's sake, we're adults now, people"

"When life gives you lemons, make orange juice and leave the world wondering how you did it"

"When life gives you lemons, make whiskey sours"

"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye"

"When life gives you Lenin, make Leninade"

"When life gives you Lenin, squeeze the means of production"

"When life gives you Lenins, make Leningrad"

"When life gives you Lenins, make vodka"

"When life gives you marmals, make marmalade"

"When life gives you melons, buy a bra"

"When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top"

"When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day"

"When life gives you onions, make onionade"

"When life gives you snow, make snow angels"

"When life gives you tacos, eat them"

"When life hands me lemons, I make chocolate cake and leave bitches wondering"

"When life hands you gators, make Gatorade"

"When life hands you lemons, kill them, crush them, drink their souls"

"When life hands you melons, wear a low-cut shirt and use them to get free lemonade"

"When life knocks you down, roll over, and look at the stars"

"When life shuts a door, open it again. That's how doors work"

"When life throws you a taco, eat it"

"When making mac & cheese I didn't use a colander long enough; wife gave me a restraining order"

"When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws"

"When measuring the circumference of a pie, using one pie is not enough. But 2?r"

"When my father came to America he was told the streets were paved with gold..."

"When my friend mixed onions with nitrous oxide, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry"

"When my money low, I don't feel good. I think I'm a dollarbetic"

"When my ship comes in, I'll be at the airport"

"When my Swiss friends send me cheese, I get sad and miss them terribly. I know I’m being sent Emmental"

"When my wife sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers..." (NSFW joke)

"When Newton was quarantined due to the plague, he invented calculus"

"When nudists are nervous about giving a speech, do they imagine everyone with their clothes on?"

"When one door closes, another one opens. It's the fridge"

"When one door closes, sometimes you want to get a hammer and nails to make sure that stays shut"

"When one door closes, the next one slams in your face"

"When people have nothing left to lose, they lose it"

"When people misspell 'barely' like 'barley,' they’re just going against the grain"

"When people rob banks, they go to jail; when banks rob people, they get bonuses"

"When people suck the life out of you, wouldn't it be nice if they took some fat, too?"

"When people talk about traveling to the past, they worry about radically changing the present by doing something small..."

"When people think about travelling to the past, they worry about accidentally changing the present..."

"When people travel to the past, they worry about radically changing the present by doing something small..."

"When playing chess in Australia it’s ‘checkmate.' Everywhere else it’s ‘checkfriend'"

"When pleasure interferes with business, give up business" (business proverb)

"When poison expires, does it become more poisonous or less poisonous?"

"When police arrest a mentally unstable person, technically that qualifies as busting a nut"

"When presidents can't run for re-election, they run for the Nobel Peace Prize"

"When prison inmates fall in love, do they finish each other's sentences?"

"When probiotics expire, do they become conbiotics?"

"When profit is the motor of society, destruction is considered as progress"

"When school districts start firing assistant football coaches, that's a lean budget"

"When seconds count, the police are only minutes away"

"When seeing is believing, those who program what we see can influence what we believe"

"When shit happens, turn it into fertilizer"

"When should you go on a cheese diet?"/"When you need to cheddar a few pounds."

"When someone accuses you of wearing a tinfoil hat, tell them it’s better than wearing a blindfold

"When someone asks what my dream job is. Literally nothing. Who dreams to have a job..."

"When someone asks where is your Christmas spirit, point to the liquor cabinet"

"When someone close to you dies, move seats"

"When someone offers me decaf, I think, 'Why are you trying to give me your brown sadness-water?'"

"When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it's for them?"

"When someone tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football"

"When someone told me I lived in a fantasy land, I nearly fell off my unicorn"

"When the airplane door shuts & the seat next to you is open it feels like you just won the lottery"

"When the alcohol starts tasting like you don't have social anxiety anymore"

"When the axe came into the forest, the trees said: 'The handle is one of us'" (proverb)

"When the Berlin Wall fell, which side did the people run to?"

"When the boy was making pancakes, why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it"

"When the butter melted, it was rendered useless"

"When the cannibal came late for dinner, they gave him the cold shoulder"

"When the cave people went to the cave bar and asked for a drink on the rocks, they meant it"

"When the citizens question their government, it's called a conspiracy theory"

"When the computer asks 'Are you a robot?' maybe he's just looking for his family"

"When the ducks quack, feed them" (Wall Street proverb)

"When the economic tide goes out, you find out who is swimming naked" (Warren Buffett?)

"When the enemy cannot destroy you, his job is to distract you"

"When the fact checkers are controlled by the same people doing the lying, what do you call it?"

"When the Fed taps on the brakes, somebody goes through the windshield"

"When the flight attendants close the cabin doors and the seat next to you is still empty"

"When the government starts passing laws that break other laws..."

"When the government's boot is on your throat, whether it is a left boot or a right..."

"When the interviewer asked me to describe myself in three words, I replied, 'Efficient'"

"When the law doesn’t apply to lawmakers, you’re not being governed. You’re being ruled"

"When the looting starts, the shooting starts"

"When the media controls the information you see, they control what you believe..."

"When the media is behind your movement, you aren't the resistance"

"When the moon hits your knees and you mispronounce trees -- Sycamore"

"When the moon hits your eye like it's 4:45, that's November"

"When The Most Interesting Man in the World eats at a restaurant, the waiter tips him"

"When The Most Interesting Man in the World eats at a restaurant, the waitress tips him"

"When the murder hornets take a life, do they call it a buzzkill?"

"When the past calls, let it go to voicemail. It has nothing new to say"

"When the people fear the government, you have tyranny"

"When the plane door shuts and there’s still an empty seat next to you"

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace"

"When the race gets tough, step on the gas"

"When the rich rob the poor, it's called business. When the poor fight back, it's called violence"

"When the Saints Go Marching In" (song)

"When the solution is simple, God is answering"

"When the state calls you a taxpayer, it's equivalent to a rapist calling his victim his girlfriend"

"When the store name and the price of gas collide" ($7.11 gas at 7-Eleven store)

"When the student is ready, the teacher will appear"

"When the tide goes out, the table is set" (seafood harvesting adage)

"When the truth comes out, don't ask me how I knew. Ask yourself why you didn't"

"When the truth comes out, you can't unvax your children"

"When the truth comes out, you can't unvax your kids"

"When the water reaches the upper decks, follow the rats"

"When the weatherman broke both arms and legs, he called about his four casts"

"When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the airplane, the airplane will fly"

"When the whole world has gone vegan, no one will expect the Spinach Inquisition!"

"When the wolf stares you down, will you be the lamb that cowers in fear..."

"When there is a hill to climb, don’t think that waiting will make it smaller"

"When there's a big solar energy spill, it's just called 'a nice day'"

"When there's no baseball, I stare out the window and wait for spring"

"When they call roll in the Senate, senators don't know whether to answer present or not guilty"

"When they come for your guns, give 'em the ammo first"

"When they come for your guns, give them your bullets first"

"When they go low, you go high"

"When they raid the whorehouse, they take all the girls" (Wall Street adage)

"When they say democracy, they mean liberalism. When they say unite, they mean comply"

"When they start threatening people who want to investigate election fraud..."

"When things are bad and getting worse, keep a cookie in your purse"

"When this is all over, please continue to stay at least 6 feet away from me" (social distancing)

"When this is over, should I go to Weight Watchers or AA first?"

"When those side effects kick in, come on back and we'll sell you something for those as well"

"When thunder roars, go indoors"

"When two men in business always agree, one of them is unnecessary"

"When two vegetarians are arguing, is it still considered beef?"

"When vegans have sex they ask to be artichoked. I will not be reading any replies to this tweet"

"When vegetables get a vasectomy they get the parsnip"

"When Wall Street sneezes, the rest of the world catches pneumonia" ("When America sneezes...")

"When we changed the clocks, we went from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone!"

"When we do go back to work, we're going to need at least a week's notice to find our pants"

"When we grow up, checking for monsters under the bed becomes checking our bank accounts"

"When we lose God, it is not God who is lost"

"When wealth is lost, nothing is lost; when health is lost, something is lost"

"When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but 10 extra pounds on hips, thighs and rear"

"When will people stop eating ground pork?"/"When pigs fly."

"When work feels overwhelming, remember that you're going to die"

"When writing the story of your life, don’t let someone else hold the pen"

"When you allow people to choose between the corrupt and the stupid, they will go for the corrupt"

"When you are crying you should be buying; When you are yelling you should be selling"

"When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra"

"When you buy a bigger bed you have more bed room, but less bedroom"

"When you buy Halloween candy as an adult, you’re paying for free candy you got as a kid"

"When you can't find the sunshine, be the sunshine"

"When you choose the lesser of two evils, always remember that it is still an evil"

"When you chop up onions, they force you to mourn their death"

"When you come to a fork in the road, don't pick it up. God knows where it's been"

"When you come to a fork in the road, don't pick it up. God knows where it's been"

"When you compare gummy worms to gummy bears, it paints a horrific picture of gummy universe"

"When you die, you go to Willie Nelson's house" (Austin musician saying)

"When you dig a garden, you help bury industrial food! Eat local!"

"When you don’t know whether or not someone is eating something, are they omnomymous?"

"When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow"

"When you finally realize the science you trusted was actually eugenics" (sad clown face)

"When you find out your daily lifestyle is actually called 'quarantine'"

"(When you) Get a hunch, bet a bunch"

"When you get a new customer, make three trades" (Wall Street adage)

"When you get a wine hangover, it's called the grape depression"

"When you get older you form very strong opinions on different varieties of apples"

"When you get to the end zone, act like you’ve been there before"

"When you go home, tell them of us and say, 'For your tomorrow, we gave our today'"

"When you go home, tell them of us and say, ‘For your tomorrow, these gave their today‘"

"When you go home, tell them of us and say, ‘For your tomorrow, they gave their today‘"

"When you go to Midas, you get a muffler" (go to a specialist for that specialty)

"When you got to the Big Apple, they treated you like a worm" (Me, Myself & Irene film, 2000)

"When you have hit rock bottom and survived, there are very few things that can scare you"

"When you have nothing to do, do it on Facebook"

"When you have nothing to say, say it on Twitter"

"When you haven't even gone to sleep yet and you already can't wait to get home from work tomorrow"

"When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras"

"When you heat up leftovers from Thanksgiving, you’re quitting cold turkey"

"When you hoist a championship trophy, a mystical blood kinship is formed"

"When you learn how much you're worth, you'll stop giving people discounts"

When you leave New York...

"When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is"

"When you leave New York, your next good meal will be in San Francisco"

"When you let governments do whatever they want, you get Auschwitz"

"When you let governments do whatever they want, you get Waco"

"When you look at Twitter's trending topics, it's easier to understand..."

"When you mix religion and politics, you get politics"

"When you need something to believe in, start with yourself"

"When you open your heart to giving, angels fly to your door"

"When you pay for things with a credit card, you’re paying with your future earnings"

"When you pay with a debit card, you’re paying with your past earnings"

"When you point your finger at someone, three are pointing back at you"

"When you promote a good engineer to manager, you may get a bad manager and lose a good engineer"

"When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it spells ''THEIRS'"

"When you put your seatbelt on, you’re wearing your car"

"When you raid a whorehouse, take the piano player, too, because no one is entirely innocent"

"When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on"

"When you retire, you switch bosses -- from the one who hired you to the one who married you"

"When you said 'friends with benefits,' I assumed you owned a bookstore"

"When you said 'friends with benefits,' I assumed you owned a coffee shop"

"When you said 'friends with benefits,' I assumed you owned a donut shop"

"When you said 'friends with benefits,' I assumed you owned a liquor store"

"When you said 'friends with benefits,' I assumed you owned a taco truck"

"When you see snow, go slow" (winter driving adage)

"When you see through the illusion, you are the solution"

"When you settle for crumbs you end up starving"

"When you settle for crumbs you will always be starving"

"When you shop at a record store, you should know that all sales are vinyl"

"When you start to Excel, people start to spreadsheet"

"When you stop and think about them, treadmills are really dangerous"

"When you stop believing in Santa, you get underwear"

"When you suck in your stomach, where does the fat go?"

"When you text a girl, you also text her friends"

"When you think it's time to bury your guns, it's really time to dig them up"

"When you think, you stink" (sports adage)

"When you throw dirt, you lose ground"

"When you tighten your belt, it's a recession; when you have no belt, it's a depression"

'When you go to church in the morning you say, 'Amen.' In the afternoon you say, 'Pmen'"

"When you truly don't care what anyone thinks of you, you have reached a dangerously awesome level"

"When you wait for a waiter in a restaurant, aren't you the waiter?"

"When you walk forward on an escalator it becomes an escasooner"

"When you want to succeed as bad as you want to breathe, you'll be successful"

"When you win, say nothing. When you lose, say less"

"When you win, you're an old pro; when you lose, you're an old man"

"When you work from home, all work is homework"

"When your advertising interrupts my video, it just makes me hate your product"

"When your husband comes home with cockleburrs in his pants, don't ask his score" (golf saying)

"When your legs get tired, run with your heart"

"When your opponent is drowning, throw the son of a bitch an anvil"

"When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt"

"When you’re about to get run out of town on a rail, get out in front and call it a parade"

"When you're accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression"

"When you're downie, eat a brownie"

"When you're finally holding all the cards, everyone else decides to play chess"

"When you're getting kicked in the rear, it means you're in front"

"When you're good, you tell everybody; when you're great, everybody tells you"

"When you're happy, you enjoy the music; when you're sad, you understand the lyrics"

"When you're here, you're halfway there" (MidPoint Cafe, Mile 1139 on Route 66)

"When you're in a hole, stop digging" (First Law of Holes)

"When you're in, you're a guest; when you're out, you're a pest"

"When you're not even done with Covid-19 and China releases Covid-20 Pro max"

"When you're out of quality, you're out of business"

"When you're out of shape, all training is weight training"

"When you're ready for the weekend, but it's only Tuesday"

"When you're sick, the advice you get is to literally do drugs and stay out of school"

"When you’re too emotional to talk, you sing. When you’re too emotional to sing, you dance"

"When you've heard one bagpipe tune, you've heard them both"

"When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall"

"Whenever a waiter asks me how I want my steak, I always say 'free'"

"Whenever I drive into a parking garage with a low ceiling, I duck my head down in my car"

"Whenever I get asked to do something I don’t want to do I just answer 'in a pandemic?'"

"Whenever I go running, I meet new people...like paramedics"

"Whenever I hear the phrase 'Power of Attorney' I always imagine someone being bitten by..."

"Whenever I say the word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate"

"Whenever I see a commercial with a woman in a tub with two cucumber slices on her eyes..."

"Whenever I see a sign that says 'keep off the grass,'I wonder how it got there"

"Whenever I see other people pour a glass of wine and only fill it halfway, I'm like okay..."

"Whenever I want a Klondike bar, I just pay for it"

"Whenever my wife packs me salad for lunch, all I wanna know is what I did wrong"

Whenever (W subway line)

"Whenever you don’t know who the loser is in a transaction, then the loser is you”

"Whenever you give the government the power to disarm the mentally ill, you give the government..."

"Whenever you see a successful business, someone once made a courageous decision"

"Where America Greets the World" (JFK Airport)

"Where are average things built?"/"In the satisfactory."

"Where are dead computer hackers buried?"/"In decrypt."

"Where are mathematicians buried?"/"The symmetry."

"Where are the customers' yachts?"

"Where are you celebrating the Ides of March?"/"Little Caesars!"

"Where can a burger get a great night’s sleep?"/"On a bed of lettuce."

"Where can I buy a face mask that doesn't smell like bad breath?"

"Where can I buy seeds to plant a beer garden?"

"Where can I get scrod?" (joke)

"Where can you always find money?"/"In the dictionary."

"Where can you find Moses at the supermarket?"/"Eggs aisle (exile)."

"Where can you find Napoleon Bonaparte in a supermarket?"/"Eggs aisle (exile)."

"Where can you go to get a lap dance and a decent steak?"/"The New York Strip Club."

"Where can you get vegan beef?"/"From a vegetabull."

"Where can you learn how to make ice cream?" (joke)

"Where can you see a man-eating fish?"/"In a restaurant."

"Where Chili-Pepper Lights Meets Christmas-Tree Lights" (Panna II Indian Restaurant)

Where Dallas Goes for Fun (Addison slogan)

"Where did the clock finish the race?"/"Wherever it wound up."

"Where did the Easter bunny go to college?"/ "Johns Hopkins."

"Where did the first corn come from?"/"The stalk brought it."

"Where did the fortune-teller go on her vacation"/"To Palm Beach."

"Where did the general keep his armies?"/"In his sleevies."

"Where did the kittens go on their class trip?"/"To a mewseum."

"Where did the piglets study their ABC's?"/"At a school for higher loining."

"Where did the stopwatch finish the race?"/"Wherever it wound up."

"Where did the Terminator find toilet paper?"/"Aisle B, back."

"Where did you find a Chinese waiter who speaks Yiddish?" (Jewish restaurant joke)

"Where do animals go when their tails fall off?"/"The retail store."

"Where do ants go to eat?"/"At a restaurant."

"Where do astronauts go to drink?"/"The spacebar."

"Where do astronauts leave their spacecrafts?"/"At parking meteors."

"Where do baby citrus fruits go to learn?"/"A lemon tree school."

"Where do baby citrus fruits go to learn?"/"A lemon tree school."

"Where do baby cows eat lunch?"/"At a calf-ateria."

"Where do baby ghosts go during the day?"/"Dayscare centers."

"Where do bay leaves come from?"/"Beirut."

"Where do beans invest their money?"/"The stalk market."

"Where do bees go to the bathroom?"/"At the BP station."

"Where do belly buttons go to school?"/"The naval academy."

"Where do birds meet for coffee?"/"In a nest-cafe."

"Where do boats go when they're sick?"/"To the dock."

"Where do cars get the most flat tires?"/"Where there is a fork in the road."

"Where do cats go to have fun?"/"An a-mews-ment park."

"Where do cauliflowers grow?"/"Caulifornia." (cauliflower + California)

"Where do children learn their ABCs?"/"In LMN-tary school"

"Where do circles, ellipses, hyperbolas and parabolas like to hang out in the summer? Coney Island"

"Where do construction workers go to drink?"/"The Rebar."

"Where do construction workers go to drink?"/"The Rebar."

"Where do cowboys cook their meals?"/"On the range."

"Where do cows go after elementary school?"/"To a second dairy school."

"Where do cows go for entertainment?"/"To the moo-vies."

"Where do cows go on vacation?"/"Moo York."

"Where do ducks go for dinner?"/"Quacker Barrel."

"Where do eggs go on vacation?"/"New Yolk City."

"Where do eggs stay on vacation?"/"Hollandaise Inn."

"Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets?"/"Bootiques."

"Where do fish go to borrow money?"/"A loan shark."

"Where do fishes work?"/"In the of-fish."

"Where do footballers dance?"/"At a football."

"Where do fortune tellers dance?"/"At the crystal ball."

"Where do hippos go to college?"/"To the hippocampus."

"Where do homeless accountants live?"/"In a tax shelter."

"Where do horses live?"/"In a neigh-borhood."

"Where do I get seeds to start my own beer garden?"/"The Burpee catalog, of course."

"Where do Martians drink beer?"/"At a Mars bar."

"Where do Martians drink beer?"/"At a Mars bar."

"Where do math teachers go on vacation?"/"To Times Square."

"Where do math teachers go on vacation?"/"To Times Square."

"Where do monkeys exercise?"/"At the jungle gym."

"Where do monsters buy their houses?"/"On Godzillow."

"Where do naughty rainbows go?"/"Prism."

"Where do Norse Texans go when they die?"/"Y'allhalla." (y'all + Valhalla)

"Where do pianists go for vacation?"/"The Florida Keys."

"Where do pianists go for vacation?"/"The Florida Keys."

"Where do pirates go to play games?"/"The Arrrrrrr-cade!"

"Where do pirates rent properties?"/"Arrrgh-bnb."

"Where do politicians come from?"/"When a clown and a serial killer love each other very much..."

"Where do poor meatballs live?"/"In the spaghetto."

"Where do porn stars go to college?"/"Fuck U."

"Where do pornstars go to school?"/"F. U."

"Where do rabbits settle their legal disputes?"/"In a pellet court."

"Where do religious school children practice sports?"/"In the prayground."

"Where do Russians buy their coffee from?"/"Tsarbucks."

"Where do Russians get their milk?"/"From Mos-cows."

"Where do sensitive middle class dinosaurs send their kids?"/"Montessaurus school."

"Where do shellfish go to borrow money?"/"The prawn broker."

"Where do smart hot dogs end up?"/"On honor rolls."

"Where do snowmen go to dance?"/"To a snowball."

"Where do snowmen keep their money?"/"In snow banks."

"Where do socialist birds lay their eggs?"/"In a communest."

"Where do spiders go for medical advice?"/"WebMD."

"Where do spiders seek health advice?"/"WebMD."

"Where do squirrels go in a hurricane?"/"All over the place."

"Where do steak fingers come from?"/"Cowhands."

"Where do suicide bombers go when they die?"/"Everywhere."

"Where do they manufacture smells?"/"The ol' factory."

"Where do toilets come from?"/"They grow on lavatrees."

"Where do toilets come from?"/"They grow on toiletries."

"Where do turkeys go to dance?"/"The Butterball."

"Where do TVs go on vacation?"/"To remote islands."

"Where do vampires learn to suck blood?"/"Law school."

"Where do vegetarians go on holiday?"/"Quornwall."

"Where do wasps go for lunch?"/"A bee-stro."

"Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?"/"The Supreme Quart."

"Where do werewolves stay when they're on vacation?"/"At the Howl-iday Inn."

"Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?"/"On squid row."

"Where do you find eggs in a supermarket?"/"In exile (eggs aisle)."

"Where do you find stewed tomatoes?"/"Try the salad bar."

"'Where do you get your protein?' The same place your protein gets theirs"

"Where do you go to get help with a cheese addiction?"/"Briehab."

"Where do you go to weigh a pie?"/"Somewhere over the rainbow."

"Where do you park a camel?"/"In a Camelot."

"Where do you put illegal cheese?"/"Solid dairy confinement."

"Where do you see yourself in five years?"/"Probably in a mirror."

"Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident?"/"To the I.C.U."

"Where does a coffee maker go when it dies?"/"Percolatory."

"Where does a dad keep all his jokes?"/"In the dadabase."

"Where does a gorilla play baseball?"/"In the bush leagues."

"Where does a non-binary person get their pizza?"/"Little Ze/Zirs."

"Where does a shark work?"/"In the of-fish."

"Where does a smart nut go?"/"Into macadamia."

"Where does a woman with one leg work?"/"IHOP."

"Where does all my money go? It's like, hocus pocus I'm brocus"

"Where does all my money go? It's like, hocus pocus I'm brokus"

"Where does an angry sailor go?"/"Anchor management."

"Where does an Irish family go on vacation?"/"To a different bar."

"Where does Christmas come before Easter?"/"In the dictionary."

"Where does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?"/"In the dictionary."

"Where does Darth Vader get his coffee?"/"The Death Starbucks."

"Where does Dracula water ski?"/"On Lake Erie, of course."

"Where does Easter come before Valentine's Day?"/"In the dictionary."

"Where does French cheese get its flavor?"/"From age."

"Where does Russian milk come from?"/"Moscows."

"Where does Santa stay when he is on holiday?"/"In a ho-ho-hotel."

"Where does seaweed go to look for a job?"/"The Kelp Wanted section."

"Where does seaweed go to look for a job?"/"The Kelp Wanted section."

"Where does seaweed go to look for a job?"/"The Kelp Wanted section."

"Where does the Easter bunny eat breakfast?"/"At IHOP."

"Where does the Easter bunny get his eggs?"/"From eggplants."

"Where does toilet paper come from?"/"Toiletries."

Where Everybody Is Somebody & Home of Cowboys and Legends (Hico slogans)

"Where facts are few, experts are many"

"Where friends meet to eat" (Kincaid's Hamburgers slogan)

"Where has Oregon?" (pun)

"Where have you been?"/"Good employees are hard to find."

"Where in this toy store are the Terminator action figures?"/"Aisle B, back."

"Where is Beirut?"/"At the opposite end of a bay leaf."

"Where is the most open green space in New York City?"/"Central Pork."

"Where is this kitchen that everyone says makes abs?"

"Where liberty dwells, there is my country"

"Where music still matters" (Waterloo Records slogan)

"Where New York Comes to Talk" (WABC-AM)

Where Quality Meets Life (Pflugerville slogan)

"Where Shopping Is a Pleasure" (Publix)

"Where should you never take a dog?"/"To the flea market."

"Where Sport Lives" (Champs Sports)

"Where Stars Are Born And Legends Are Made" (Apollo Theater)

"Where Sunshine Spends the Winter" (San Antonio, El Paso, Rio Grande Valley slogan)

Where Texas Became Texas (Washington-on-the-Brazos slogan)

"Where the East Ends" (Dallas slogan)

"Where the East peters out" (Dallas slogan)

"Where the elite meet to cheat"

"Where the Elite Meet to Eat" (Duffy's Tavern)

"Where the hell is Elroy, Texas?"

"Where the rubber meets the road"

"Where the West Begins" (Fort Worth slogan)

"Where there is a risk, there must be a choice"

"Where there is no struggle, there is no strength" ("No struggle, no strength")

"Where there is risk, there must be choice"

"Where there's a hit, there's a writ" (show business adage)

"Where there's a tip, there's a tap" (investment adage)

"Where there's a whisk, there's a way"

"Where there's a will. I want to be in it"

"Where there's smoke, there's brisket"

"Where there's smoke, there's toast"

Where thousands live the way millions wish they could (Needville slogan)

"Where Travel Begins" (Liberty Travel)

"Where was Jesus born?" (Palestine, Texas joke)

"Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?"/"At the bottom."

"Where We Go One, We Go All" (#WWG1WGA)

"Where Weird Meets Western" (Rodeo Austin slogan)

"Where would you find a leprechaun baseball team?"/"In the Little League."

"Where yat?" ("Where y'at?")

Where Yee-Hah Meets Olé (Eagle Pass slogan)

"Where's the best place to buy a gentleman's hat?"/"Manhattan."

"Where's the best place to buy herbs in New York?"/"Thyme Square."

"Where's the best place to hide from a doctor?"/"An apple orchard."

"Where's the best place to hide a dead body?"/"Google's second page of search results"

"Where's the cheese grater?"/"Some say France..."

"Where's the worst place to bring someone who's allergic to apples?"/"New York."

"Where's the worst place to bring someone who's allergic to apples?"/"New York."

"Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it is the only time you've got"

"Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got"

"Whether you’re rich or poor, it’s nice to have money"

"Which account is the most blocked on Twitter?"/"The National Constipation Society."

"Which American president is least guilty?"/"Lincoln. He is in a cent."

"Which American president is least guilty?"/"Lincoln. He is in a cent."

"Which animal is the best at barbecuing?"/"The grilla."

"Which animals make potholes?"/"Rodents."

"Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?"/"The Air Force; they're US AF."

"Which building does Dracula visit in New York?"/"The Vampire State Building."

"Which came first, the chicken salad sandwich or the egg salad sandwich?"

"Which car looks the same frontwards or backwards?"/"A Toyota."

"Which cheese festival is the shortest?"/"The Brie Fest."

"Which cheese is an alcoholic?"/"Livarot."

"Which coffee drink is also an actor?"/"Al cappuccino."

"Which coffee drink is also an actor?"/"Al cappuccino."

"Which color can open your vehicle?"/"Khaki."

"Which composer got the coronavirus?"/"DryCoughsky."

"Which do you prefer: chess or sex?"/"It depends on the position."

"Which fruit is the father of all fruits?"/"Papaya."

"Which ghost ate too much porridge?"/"Ghouldilocks."

"Which goalkeeper can jump higher than a crossbar?"/"All of them. A crossbar can't jump."

"Which hotel do vegetables stay in for vacation?"/"The Radishon."

"Which insect didn't play well in goal?"/"The fumble bee."

"Which is faster, hot or cold?"/"Hot, because you can catch a cold"

"Which is the most desired summer body this year?"/"The antibody."

"Which is the strongest day in the week?"/"Sunday - all the rest are weekdays."

"Which Kebab do you want?"/"Kalmi maybe."

"Which knight kept King Arthur’s food fresh at the Round Table?"/"Sir Anrapp."

"Which knight is the protector of foods?"/"Sir Anwrap."

"Which knight loved eating pancakes at the round table?"/"Sir Up."

"Which military leader knows the most?"/"General Knowledge."

"Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners?"/"'Rude'olph."

"Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?"/"'Rude'olph."

"Which side of a turkey has the juiciest meat?"/"The inside."

"Which side of a turkey has the most feathers?"/"The outside."

"Which Thanksgiving beverage is sad?"/"Apple sigh-der."

"Which tricycle does the blonde have?"/"The one with the kickstand."

"Which vegetable do you stand in line for?"/"A queue cumber."

"Which way did the programmer go?"/"He went data way!"

"Which wine pairs best with existential dread?"

"While Alan Turing was cracking codes in WW2, his sister Kay was providing drinks & sandwiches"

"While at the grocery store, be careful not to knock over the cabbage display. Heads will roll"

"While most puns make me feel numb, math puns always makes me feel number"

"While my wife was asleep, I wrote algebraic terms on her. You should have seen the expression..."

"While there's tea, there's hope"

"While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to" (joke)

"While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it! -Sincerely, The Opportunist"

"Whilst cooking today, I accidentally rubbed some herbs in my eyes. I'm now parsley sighted"

"Whiners make excuses. Winners make coffee"

Whiney Orange (Whiny Orange)

WHINO (whine + RINO)

"Whipped cream comes from cows that are into BDSM"

"Whipped cream is just milk that enjoys BDSM"

"Whipped cream is just regular cream that is really into BDSM"

"Whiskey. Because who in the hell needs feelings"

Whiskey Ding

"Whiskey has never been recalled because of E. coli"

"Whiskey helps me appreciate the little things in life, like shot glasses"

"Whiskey helps me appreciate the small things in life, like shot glasses"

"Whiskey helps me appreciate the smaller things in life, like shot glasses"

"Whiskey is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling single again"

"Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won't cure a cold"

"Whiskey is just water living up to its full potential"

"Whiskey is karaoke fuel"

"Whiskey is risky but it makes the girls frisky"

"Whiskey is the hand sanitizer for the soul"

"Whiskey is what beer wants to be when it grows up"

"Whiskey makes me happy. You, not so much"

"Whiskey (noun) -- magic brown water for fun people"

Whiskey Sour

"Whiskey, steak, guns & freedom"

"Whiskey: The nighttime sniffling sneezing, how the hell did I end up on the kitchen floor medicine"

"Whiskey was invented so the Irish wouldn't rule the world"

Whiskey Wednesday

"Whiskey Wednesday. It's like Taco Tuesday, but better"

"Whiskey Wednesday. It's like Taco Tuesday, but for badasses"

"Whiskey Wednesday. It's like Taco Tuesday, but more fun"

"Whiskey Wednesday. It's like Taco Tuesday, only cooler"

Whiskey-taw Falls (Wichita Falls nickname)

"Whisky is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling single again"

Whisper Number

Whistleblower

"White bread will now be referred to as 'privilege loaf'"

White Carnation (former official drink of the Belmont Stakes)

White Chili ("bowl of white")

"White chocolate is not chocolate"

"White chocolate is not chocolate. It is a white lie!"

"White Claw is Capri Sun for adults"

"White Claw is just alcoholic Capri Sun"

"White Claw is just carbonated alcoholic Capri Sun"

"White Claw is just millennial Zima"

"White Claw is just spiked Capri Sun"

"White Claw is just Zima for millennials"

"White Claw is just Zima for zoomers"

"White Claw is just zoomer Zima"

"White Claw should release a peppermint flavor and call it Santa Claws"

White Collar

White Fort State (Oregon nickname)

White Glove Building

"White grape juice is made from green grapes and is yellow"

White Harlem (Morningside Heights)

White Knight

White Light Belt (Broadway)

White Money

White Oil (lithium nickname)

"White on right" or "White to the right" (chess axiom)

"White people have been using the n-word every time they say 'vinegar'"

White Pizza

"White privilege is the ability to suffer through whatever life throws at you without blaming..."

"White Privilege: The ability to suffer whatever life throws at you without blaming another..."

"White Privilege: The ability to suffer life's universal indignities without blaming another..."

"White rice or brown rice?"/"Both. I'm not a riceist."

White Russian (cocktail)

"White Shoe" Firm

White Squire

White Texas Sheet Cake

White Trash Cake (White Trash Wedding Cake)

"White wine is what you drink before you drink red wine"

"Whiteboards are remarkable"

Whitemail

Whitestoner (inhabitant of Whitestone, Queens)

Whitey One-Bite (White Castle nickname)

Whitney Biennial

"Who are the world's fastest readers?"/"9/11 victims. They went through 87 stories in 10 seconds."

"Who are you wearing?" (fashion question)

"Who ate the first pies?"/"The pie oneers."

"Who beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?"/"Tarzipan."

"Who called it a nutcracker and not a crackhead?"

"Who called it a salad with chicken and not breast in plants?"

"Who called it teabagging and not Dunkin Deeznuts?"

"Who called them dad jokes instead of pop corn?"

"Who called them dad jokes instead of popcorn?"

"Who called them sandwich artists and not sub contractors?"

"Who called them ’surgical masks’ instead of ’coughy filters’?"

"Who came up with the Gregorian calendar -- Greg or Ian?"

"Who can drink 2 liters of gasoline?"/"Jerry can."

"Who can drink 20 liters of gasoline?"/"Jerry can."

"Who conducts the spring orchestra?"/"May-stro."

"Who currently provides your internet?"/"My next-door neighbor."

"Who decided to call it 'marijuana possession' and not 'joint custody'?"

"Who decided to call them 'murder hornets' and not 'buzzkills'?"

WHO d'état (WHO + coup d'état)

"Who did the government buy the earth from? So why do we pay the government to live here?"

"Who did the government buy the earth from? Then why do we pay the government to live here?"

"Who died and made you king/ God/ boss/ president?"

"Who digs the graves when the grave diggers go on strike?"/"The skeleton crew."

"Who do monsters buy their cookies from?"/"The Ghoul Scouts."

"Who do Texan Muslims worship?"/"Y'allah." (y'all + Allah)

"Who do you call for a taco/tequila emergency?"/"9-Juan-Juan."

"Who does not love wine, women, and song remains a fool his whole life long"

"Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving?"/"A turkey because it is always stuffed."

"Who earns a living driving their customers away?"/"A taxi driver."

"Who earns a living by driving customers away?"/"A taxi driver."

"Who fixes time machines?"/"A quantum mechanic."

"Who goes forth with a fifth on the Fourth may not come forth on the fifth"

"Who helps the little pumpkins cross the road to school?"/"The crossing gourd."

"Who helps the little pumpkins cross the road to school?"/"The crossing gourd."

"Who invented pickles? Dinosaurs. It was during the Vlassic period"

"Who invented popcorn chicken?"/"Kernel Sanders."

"Who invented spaghetti?"/"Someone who used his noodle."

"Who is a Covid-19 patient’s favorite composer?"/"Drycoughsky."

"Who is buried in Grant's Tomb?" (riddle/joke)

"Who is Scott Fitzgerald, and why is everyone so rude about him?"

"Who is the fastest man on earth?"/"A drummer. He beats time."

"Who is the healthiest member of the army?"/"General Wellbeing."

"Who is the king of office supplies?"/"The ruler."

"Who is the patron saint of security cameras?"/"St. Francis of a CCTV."

"Who is the strongest thief?"/"A shoplifter."

"Who is this 'moderation' everyone tells me to drink with?"

"Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner"

"Who knows about African wines? A Somali, eh"

"Who made the first soft drink?"/"Adam -- he made Eve's cherry pop."

"Who needs a guy when there's chai?"

"Who needs a wife anyway? How difficult can it be to boil a toast?"

"Who needs television when you have so much drama on Facebook?"

"Who needs television when you have so much drama on Facebook?"

"Who needs therapy when you can shitpost on X/Twitter?"

"Who ordered the clean glass?" (Myron Cohen joke about Stage Deli)

Who Owns New York?

"Who painted Whistler's mother?" (riddle/joke)

Who played for Yankees, Knicks and Rangers in the same year?

"Who says a good newspaper has to be dull?" (NY Herald Tribune slogan)

"Who says I can't cook? You obviously haven't tasted my cereal"

"Who says, 'Oh, Oh, Oh'?"/"Santa walking backwards."

"Who steals noodles from the rich and gives them to the poor?"/"Ramen Hood."

"Who steals soup from the rich and gives it to the poor?"/"Ramen Hood."

"Who stopped payment on my reality check?"

"Who the government?"

"Who turns the lights off at Halloween?"/"The light's witch."

"Who Wants Jack Daniel's?" or "We Want Jack Daniel's" (WWJD)

"Who Wants Jelly Donuts?" or "We Want Jelly Donuts" (WWJD)

"Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?" (joke)

"Who was the sweetest knight at the round table?"/"Sir Up."

"Who was the wisest financial investor in the Bible?" (joke)

"Who were the first people to make pastries?"/"The pie-oneers."

"Who, What, When, Where...Wine!"

"Who will join old Ben Milam in storming the Alamo?"

"Who would name their company FedEx? That's two things that I never want showing up at my door"

"Who was the greatest actor in the Bible?"/"Samson. He brought the house down."

"Whoa, Nellie!" ("Whoa, Nelly!")

"Whoa, Nelly!" ("Whoa, Nellie!")

"Whoa whoa whoa.... I'm all for freedom, if it's done legally"

"Whoever came up with the phrase 'The freaks come out at night' has clearly never been to Walmart"

"Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called 'fun sized'..."

"Whoever invented crotch waxing must have made a Brazilian dollars!"

"Whoever invented the rice cake had a pretty loose concept of 'cake'"

"Whoever named them 'missiles' wasn't being very optimistic"

"Whoever named them missiles wasn't very optimistic"

"Whoever said 'All men are created equal' has never been in a locker room"

"Whoever said 'All men are created equal' has never taken a shower at the YMCA"

"Whoever said 'All men are created equal' has obviously never been to a nude beach"

"Whoever said 'All men were created equal' has never been to a nudist colony"

"Whoever said all men were created equal has obviously never received dick pics!"

"Whoever said 'all you need is love' clearly never had warm peach cobbler with vanilla ice cream"

"Whoever said, 'It's not whether you win or lose that counts,' probably lost"

"Whoever said 'Less is more' clearly wasn't a coffee drinker"

"Whoever said 'Less is more' clearly wasn't a whiskey drinker"

"Whoever said 'Less is more' clearly wasn't a wine drinker"

"Whoever said money can't buy happiness never paid for a divorce before"

"Whoever said money can't buy you happiness has clearly never been bonded out of jail before"

"Whoever said money can't buy you happiness has never been bonded out of jail before"

"Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door"

"Whoever said one person can't change the world never ate an undercooked bat"

"Whoever said technology would replace all paper hasn’t tried wiping their behind with an iPad"

"Whoever said 'The freaks come out at night' has obviously never been to Walmart during the day"

"Whoever said the onion is the only vegetable that makes ya cry has never wiped with a corn cob"

"Whoever said white people can't jump clearly hasn't seen the footage from 9/11"

"Whoever snuck the 's' in 'fast food' was a clever little bastard"

"Whoever thinks money doesn't bring happiness, transfer it to my account"

"Whoever wins the turnover battle usually wins the game" (football adage)

Whole Foodie (Whole Foods + foodie)

"Whole Foods, Whole People, Whole Planet" (Whole Foods slogan)

"Whole kit and caboodle"

Whole Paycheck (Whole Foods nickname)

Whole Wallet (Whole Foods nickname)

Wholetail (wholesale + retail)

"Whomever stole my highlighter, I'll find you. Mark my words"

Whoopee Row (West 133rd Street)

Whoopie Pie (Whoopee Pie)

"Whoppers are a poor man's Maltesers"

Whore Derve (hors d'oeuvre)

Whore Foods (Whole Foods nickname)

Whore's Breakfast or Chorus Girl's Breakfast (cigarette and New York Morning Telegraph)

Whorespondent or Whorrespondent (whore + correspondent)

"Who’s Scott Fitzgerald and why did they tell us to fuck him in high school"

"Who's the coolest guy in the hospital?"/"The ultra-sound guy."

"Who's the father of all fruit?"/"Papaya."

"Who's the greatest chicken-killer in all of Shakespeare?"/"Macbeth. He did murder most foul."

"Who's the patron saint of email?"/"St. Francis of a CC."

"Who's the patron saint of shopping?"/"St. Francis de Sales."

"Who’s the spiciest knight of the round table?"/"Sir Racha."

WHOtube (YouTube nickname)

"Why allow yourself to be full of hate, when you can be full of coffee instead?"

"Why am I the only naked person at this gender reveal party?"

"Why am I the only person naked at this gender reveal party?"

"Why are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same? (joke)

"Why are airplanes so hard to see?"/"Because they're in disguise."

"Why are Americans so bad at League of Legends?"/"Because they can't defend their towers."

"Why are Americans so dumb?"/"Because they shoot the ones who go to school."

"Why are artichokes so beloved?"/"They’re known for their hearts."

"Why are bass guitarists always safe?"/"Because they stay out of treble."

"Why are buffalo wings so small when buffalo are so big?"

"Why are Chinese restaurant owners the best renters?"/"Because they're lo mein tenants."

"Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?"/"They always drop their needles."

"Why are clouds like jockeys?"/"When they hold the rains."

"Why are computers always hungry?"/"Because they can only eat microchips."

"Why are Dasher and Dancer always taking coffee breaks?"/"Because they're Santa's star bucks."

"Why are doctors so afraid of apples, anyway?"

"Why are drummer jokes so simple?"/"So bassists can understand them."

"Why are elevator jokes always funny?"/"Because they work on so many different levels."

"Why are fish easy to weigh?"/"They have their own scales!"

"Why are fish no good at tennis?"/"They don't like to get too close to the net."

"Why are fish so smart?"/"Because they travel in schools."

"Why are fishmongers never generous?"/"Because their business makes them sell-fish."

"Why are French snail imports down?"/"Because there is less cargo."

"Why are French snails faster?"/"Less cargo."

"Why are the French snails fastest in the world?"/"L’ess cargo."

"Why are ghosts bad at telling lies?"/"Because you can see right through them."

"Why are ghosts bad liars?"/"Because you can see right through them."

"Why are ghosts terrible liars?"/"Because you can see right through them."

"Why are girls so good at swimming?"/"Because they are boyn't."

"Why are horses always so fit?"/"They're on a stable diet."

"Why are horses lousy at voting?"/"They only vote neigh."

"Why are Jamaicans afraid of kosher delis?"/"They dread lox."

"Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?" (lawyer joke)

"Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?"/"They're very short-tempered!"

"Why are many umpires fat?"/"Because they always clean their plate."

"Why are many umpires fat?"/"Because they always clean their plate."

"Why are most New York Italians called Tony?" (joke)

"Why are mountains so funny? Because they're hill areas"

"Why are New Yorkers depressed?"/"Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey!"

"Why are orchestra intermissions limited to twenty minutes?" (joke)

"Why are origami artists bad at poker?"/"They always fold."

"Why are people so tired on April 1st?"/"Because they just finished a 31-day March."

"Why are people who ride motorcycles called bikers and people who ride bikes called cyclists?"

"Why are pianos so hard to open?"/"The keys are inside."

"Why are pizza slices shaped that way? Do they expect our mouths to get wider after each bite?"

"Why are restaurant servers the luckiest profession?"/"Good things come to those who wait."

"Why are Santa's reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve?"/"They have herd immunity."

"Why are sardines so stupid?"/"They lock themselves in a can and leave the key outside."

"Why are Sherlock Holmes' taxes so low?"/"He's a master of deduction."

"Why are so few murders solved in the South?"/"No dental records and all the DNA matches."

"Why are so many leprechauns florists?"/"They have green thumbs."

"Why are so many leprechauns gardeners?"/"Because they have green thumbs."

"Why are televisions attracted to people?"/"Because people turn them on."

"Why are there donut holes, but not bagel holes?"

"Why are there no dominatrixes at sandwich shops?"/"Because they're all subs."

"Why are there no jokes about turkey giblets?"/"Because the punchlines are offal."

"Why are there no knock-knock jokes about the U.S.?"/"Because freedom rings."

"Why are there no Walmarts in Iraq?"/"Because they're all Targets."

"Why are there only 239 beans in Irish bean soup?" (joke)

"Why is it there are poptarts but no momtarts?"/"Because of the pastryarchy."

"Why are there so many baseball autobiographies?"/"Because every pitcher tells a story."

"Why are there so many public libraries, but no public gyms?"

"Why are they called 'apartments' when they're all stuck together?" (joke)

"Why are they called 'buildings' when they’re already finished?" (joke)

"Why are vampires afraid of casinos?"/"Because of all the high stakes."

"Why are vampires such jerks?"/"Because they are incapable of self reflection."

"Why are waiters good at math?"/"They know all their tables."

"Why are women and children evacuated first?" (joke)

"Why are women so bad at parking cars?" (NSFW joke)

"'Why are you late?' my teacher asked" (school joke)

"Why are you staring at my bumper sticker?" (bumper sticker)

"Why are you staring at my bumper? You pervert!" (bumper sticker)

"Why aren't bananas ever lonely?"/"Because they come in bunches."

"Why aren't donut holes called don'tnuts?"

"Why aren't there more songs about being hungry?"

"Why aren't there more songs about being hungry?"

"Why argue with a Vaxxer, when you could just wait?"

"Why argue with an Anti-Vaxer, when you could just wait"

"Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel"

"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

"Why call it a land dispute, and not ground beef?"

"Why can you never trust a fruit over a vegetable?"/"Because they're seedy."

"Why can't 45 degree angles get a mortgage?"/"They don't know whether to sine or cosine."

"Why can't a man living in New York be buried in Chicago?" (riddle)

"Why can't atheists solve exponential equations?"/"Because they don't believe in higher powers."

"Why can't cars play football?"/"Because they only have one boot."

"Why can't cats work on the computer? They get too distracted chasing the mouse around"

"Why can't China play cricket?"/"They keep eating their bats."

"Why can't Chinese barbecue?"/"Because the rice falls through the grill."

"Why can’t Christians do trigonometry?"/"Cos Jesus took away their sin."

"Why can't diabetics get vengeance?"/"Because vengeance is sweet."

"Why can't dogs dance?"/"Because they have two left feet."

"Why can't eggs have love?"/"They will break up too soon."

"Why can't elephants use computers?"/"Because they're scared of the mouse."

"Why can't Irishmen be lawyers?"/"They can never get past the bar."

"Why can't Irishmen be lawyers?"/"They can never get past the bar."

"Why can't New Yorkers play chess?"/"They're missing two towers."

"Why can’t Santa Claus get COVID-19?"/"He has santibodies."

"Why can't skeletons play church music?"/"They have no organs."

"Why can't someone look at me the same way I look at pizza?"

"Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?"/"Because they're always a little short."

"Why can’t you carry unlimited pickles in video games?"/"You’re over-cucumbered."

"Why can't you get cell phone service when you're naked? No shirt, no shoes, no service"

"Why can't you run through a campground?" (joke)

"Why can't you take a turkey to church?"/"Because they use fowl language."

"Why can't you tell a good joke about retired people?"/"Because none of them work!"

"Why can’t you trust a taco?"/"It might spill the beans."

"Why can’t you trust an Everything Bagel?"/"They’re pretty seedy!"

"Why can’t you trust burritos to keep a secret?"/"They tend to spill the beans."

"Why can't you trust lemons?"/"Because they're seedy!"

"Why can't you trust tacos?"/"They tend to spill the beans."

"Why couldn’t Covid get a drink at the bar?"/"Because Covid 19."

"Why couldn't the blonde bob for apples?"/"Her brother was using the toilet."

"Why couldn't the egg quit smoking?"/"Because he'd Benedicted to it."

"Why couldn't the elephant use the computer?"/"He was afraid of the mouse."

"Why couldn't the fish go shopping?"/"It didn't have anemone."

"Why couldn't the Italian chef get into his house?"/"Because he had gnocchi."

"Why couldn't the pig pay his bill?"/"He was a little shoat."

"Why couldn't the pirate play cards?"/"Because he was sitting on the deck."

"Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the casino?"/"Because he was on a roll."

"Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?"/"Because it got stuck in a crack."

"Why did 10 die?"/"Because he was in the middle of 9/11."

"Why did a lost grizzly walk into a jewelry store?"/"Because he had to get his bear rings."

"Why did a soccer manager give his team lighters?"/"Because they kept losing all of their matches."

"Why did Anakin Skywalker cross the road?"/"To get to the Dark Side."

"Why did Dracula get tested for Covid-19?"/"Because of his coffin."

"Why did Dracula pass out on New Year’s Eve?"/"There was a count down."

"Why did Eeyore cross the road?"/"To get to the other... sigh."

"Why did Eve want to move to New York?"/"She fell for the Big Apple!"

"Why did God create armadillos?" (joke)

"Why did God invent lawyers?" (lawyer joke)

"Why did God invent lawyers?" (real estate agent joke)

"Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?"/"To practice." (lawyer joke)

"Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?"/"To make up for a bad summer."

"Why did Jesus cross the road?"/"Because he was nailed to the chicken."

"Why did Jesus cross the road?"/"God knows."

"Why did Jesus cross the road?"/"He didn't. Jesus rode the cross."

"Why did Jesus cross the road?"/"He saw a crosswalk."

"Why did Jesus cross the road?"/"To get a cross (across)."

"Why did Jesus make stir fry in the South China Sea?"/"To prove that he could wok on water."

"Why did John jump up and down before drinking his juice?"/"The box said, "Shake well.'"

"Why did Johnny Appleseed cross the road?"/"To get to the other cider!"

"Why did Johnny get low grades after Thanksgiving?"/"Everything is marked down after the holidays."

"Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Del?"/"She wanted to see the task manager."

"Why did King Kong climb the Empire State Building?"/"He couldn't fit in the elevator."

"Why did King Kong climb the Empire State Building?"/"He needed to catch a plane."

"Why did man invent curling?"/"To convince women sweeping was a sport."

"Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?"/"Because she went to woo Han."

"Why did Santa’s little helpers sit outside the restaurant?"/"They wanted to eat elfresco."

"Why did Sherlock Holmes visit a Mexican restaurant?"/"Because he was looking for a good case idea."

"Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?"/"He couldn't afford plane fare."

"Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?"/"He was perfecting his swing."

"Why did the AC compressor sweat?"/"Because it had to run all day."

"Why did the accountant cross the road?"/"Because he did it last year."

"Why did the accountant cross the road?"/"So he could claim it on his travel expenses."

"Why did the accountant cross the road?"/"To bore the people on the other side."

"Why did the amoeba flunk the math test?"/"Because it multiplied by dividing."

"Why did the animal cross the road?"/"It wanted to play animal crossing."

"Why did the apple do Pilates?"/"To work on his core."

"Why did the apple turnover?"/"Because it saw the banana split."

"Why did the apple turnover?"/"Because it saw the cheese roll."

"Why did the apple turnover?"/"Because it saw the jelly roll."

"Why did the apple turnover?"/"Because it saw the sausage roll."

"Why did the artist cross the road?"/"To see from the other side."

"Why did the atheist cross the road?"/"He thought there might be a street on the other side..."

"Why did the baby chick cross the road?"/"Because it was Take-Your-Child-to-Work Day."

"Why did the baby chick cross the road?"/"To meet up with her Peeps."

"Why did the baby ganoush grow up big and strong?"/"It had good auber-genes."

"Why did the bacterium fail its math class?"/"Because it multiplies when it divides."

"Why did the bagel go to the bar?"/"To get toasted."

"Why did the balloon burst?"/"Because it saw a lolly pop."

"Why did the banana go out with the prune?"/"Because he couldn't find a date."

"Why did the banana go to the doctor?"/"It wasn't peeling well."

"Why did the bank robber take a bath?"/"So he could make a clean getaway."

"Why did the bigamist cross the road?"/"To get to the other bride."

"Why did the biology students almost fail?"/"They were bio-D-grade-able."

"Why did the bird chirp at the trick-or-treaters?"/"Because he thought they wanted tweets!"

"Why did the birdwatcher cross the road?"/"To get to the other hide."

"Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?" (joke)

"Why did the blonde snort Sweet'N Low?"/"She thought it was Diet Coke."

"Why did the bowl of soup disappear?"/"It was leek soup."

"Why did the bowling pins stop working?"/"Because they went on strike."

"Why did the boy eat his cash?"/"Because it was his dinner money."

"Why did the boy eat his cash?"/"Because it was his dinner money."

"Why did the boy eat his homework?"/"Because his teacher told him it was a piece of cake."

"Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?"/"Because he wanted sweet dreams."

"Why did the boy smear peanut butter on the road?"/"To go with the traffic jam."

"Why did the boy throw butter out the window?"/"To see the butter fly."

"Why did the bunny go to the dance?"/"To do the bunny hop!"

"Why did the cactus cross the road?"/"It was stuck to the chicken."

"Why did the cake go to the doctor?"/"It was a coughee cake."

"Why did the Canadian cross the road?"/"He saw some American do it on TV."

"Why did the Canadian cross the road?"/"He saw some American do it on TV."

"Why did the Canadian cross the road?"/"To get to the middle."

"Why did the Canadian cross the road?"/"To get to the middle."

"Why did the cannibal break up with his valentine?"/"She didn't suit his taste."

"Why did the cannibal die of COVID-19?"/"Too many handshakes."

"Why did the cannibal eat an Olympian every morning?"/"So he could have a breakfast of champions."

"Why did the cannibal eat the tightrope walker?"/"He wanted a balanced meal."

"Why did the cannibal leave the restaurant?"/"Because he got cold feet"

"Why did the cannibal live on his own?"/"He was fed up with other people."

"Why did the cantaloupe jump into the lake?"/"It wanted to be a watermelon."

"Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?"/"It wanted to become a watermelon."

"Why did the cat cross the road?"/"Because the chicken had a laser pointer."

"Why did the cat cross the road?"/"It wanted to play animal crossing."

"Why did the cheese board blow away?"/"Because of the strong bries."

"Why did the chef cook his eggs on the golf course?"/"Because he wanted them par-boiled."

"Why did the chef quit?"/"They cut his celery."

"Why did the chef take his own life?"/"Because he lost the huile d'olive."

"Why did the chewing gum cross the road?"/"Because it was under the chicken's foot."

"Why did the chicken cross the apple orchard?"/"To get to the other cider."

"Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?"/"Because it heard the referee was blowing fowls."

"Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?"/"To get to the same side."

"Why did the chicken cross the orchard?"/"To get to the other cider?"

"Why did the chicken cross the playground?"/"To get to the other slide."

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"Because Colonel Sanders was chasing him"

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"Because Colonel Sanders was after him."

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"Can't a fucking chicken cross a road...?"

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"It wanted to play animal crossing."

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"It was in a curry."

"Why did the chicken cross the road?" (joke)

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"No one knows. But the road will have his vengeance."

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"North Korea's long range missiles don't reach that far."

"Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud, and cross the road again?" (riddle)

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"Social distancing."

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"To get away from the bagpipe recital."

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"To get away from the bagpipe recital."

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"To get to your house."/"Knock, knock..."

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"To have its motives questioned."

"Why did the chicken cross the road to KFC?"/"To see the chicken strip."

"Why did the chicken cross the road to KFC?"/"To see the chicken strip."

"Why did the chicken cross the road to KFC?"/"To see the chicken strip."

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"To show the armadillo it could be done!"

"Why did the chicken cross the tweet?"/"To get to the other snide."

"Why did the chicken double-cross the road?"/"Because the road was on the other side."

"Why did the chicken double-cross the road?"/"It was fowl play."

"Why did the chicken double-cross the road?"/"It was working for the other side."

"Why did the chicken double-cross the road?"/"To change sides."

"Why did the chicken double-cross the road?"/"To get to the other spies."

"Why did the chicken end up in the soup?"/"Because it ran out of cluck."

"Why did the chicken go to the gym?"/"To work on his pecks."

"Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?"/"She wanted to lay it on the line."

"Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?"/"To get to the other side."

"Why did the Chicken Tikka Masala cross the road?"/"Because it was in a curry."

"Why did the child cross the road?"/"Because he wasn’t wearing a seatbelt."

"Why did the child study in the airplane?"/"He wanted a higher education."

"Why did the chili pepper cross the road?"/"To get to the Otherside."

"Why did the chili pepper cross the road?"/"To get to the Otherside."

"Why did the clock get kicked out of the library?"/"It tocked too much."

"Why did the clown cross the road?"/"To find his rubber chicken."

"Why did the coffee file a police report?"/"Because it got mugged."

"Why did the coffee get in trouble?"/"Because it was not tea."

"Why did the composer spend all his time in bed?"/"He wrote sheet music."

"Why did the computer cross the road?"/"Because it was programmed by the chicken."

"Why did the computer cross the road?"/"To get a byte to eat."

"Why did the computer cross the road?"/"To get another bus."

"Why did the console gamer cross the road?"/"To render the buildings on the other side."

"Why did the console gamer cross the road?"/"To render the buildings on the other side."

"Why did the cook get arrested?"/"He was caught beating an egg."

"Why did the cookie cry?"/"Because his mother was a wafer so long."

"Why did the cookie go to the doctor?"/"Because he was feeling crummy!"

"Why did the cow cross the road?"/"To get to the udder side."

"Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?"/"He wanted to get a long little doggy."

"Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?"/"He wanted to get a long little doggy."

"Why did the cowboy buy a wiener dog?"/"He wanted to get a long little doggy."

"Why did the cowboy buy a wiener dog?"/"He wanted to get a long little doggy."

"Why did the cowboy get a hot seat?"/"Because he rode the range."

"Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?"/"It was the pot calling the cattle back."

"Why did the crab cross the road?"/"It didn't. It used the sidewalk."

"Why did the crab cross the road?"/"Just beclaws."

"Why did the crab cross the road?"/"To get to the other tide."

"Why did the cranberries turn red?"/"Because they saw the turkey dressing."

"Why did the cranberry sauce cross the plate?"/"To get to the other sides."

"Why did the cranberry sauce cross the road?"/"To get to the other sides."

"Why did the cranberry sauce cross the table?"/"To get to the other sides."

"Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job?"/"She couldn't control her pupils."

"Why did the Cyclops give up teaching?"/"He only had one pupil."

"Why did the dad joke cross the road?"/"To get father away."

"Why did the dad joke cross the road?"/"To get to the other sigh."

"Why did the dead chicken cross the road?"/"Because it was a poultrygeist."

"Why did the dead chicken cross the road?"/"To get to the other side."

"Why did the detective cross the road?"/"To get to the homicide."

"Why did the diner send back the rabbit stew?"/"Because it had a hare in it."

"Why did the dinosaur cross the road?"/"Because chickens hadn't evolved yet."

"Why did the dog cross the road?"/"To get to the barking lot."

"Why did the dog cross the road?"/"It wanted to play animal crossing."

"Why did the dog go to court?"/"Because he got a barking ticket."

"Why did the dog sit in the shade?"/"Because he didn't want to be a hot dog."

"Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?"/"It was time for his annual eggzam."

"Why did the Easter egg hide?"/"He was a little chicken."

"Why did the economist stop selling herbs?"/"Because you can't thyme the market."

"Why did the electrician fall in love with every girl he met?"/"Because he couldn't resistor."

"Why did the emo chicken cross the road?"/"To get to the other sigh."

"Why did the espresso keep checking his watch?"/"Because he was pressed for time."

"Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?"/"Because he wanted rich milk."

"Why did the farmer plow his field with a steamroller?"/"He wanted mashed potatoes."

"Why did the feminist fail algebra?"/"She couldn't solve inequalities."

"Why did the fur trader cross the road?"/"To get to the other hide."

"Why did the fur trapper cross the road?"/"To get to the otter's hide."

"Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?"/"He didn't have a haunting license."

"Why did the gamer cross the road?"/"Buy the DLC to find out."

"Why did the gamer cross the road?"/"Buy the DLC to find out."

"Why did the ghost cross the road?"/"Because it was a poultrygeist."

"Why did the ghost cross the road?"/"To get to the other side."

G"Why did the ghost go to jail?"/"He got arrested for possession."

"Why did the ghost go to the doctor?"/"To get a boo-ster shot."

"Why did the girl feed money to her cow?"/"Because she wanted to get rich milk."

"Why did the girl sit on her watch?"/"She wanted to be on time."

"Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?"/"To go with the traffic jam."

"Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?" (joke)

"Why did the gum cross the road?"/"Because it was under the chicken's foot."

"Why did the guy name his dog 5 Miles?"/"So every day he can say, 'I just walked 5 Miles.'"

"Why did the headless horseman go into business?"/"He wanted to get a head in life."

"Why did the hedgehog cross the road?"/"To see his flat mate."

"Why did the hedgehog cross the road?"/"To see his flatmate."

"Why did the helicopter trainee fail on his first flight?"/"He was cold, so he turned the fan off."

"Why did the hermit crab cross the road?"/"To get to the Shell station."

"Why did the hipster burn his mouth on his coffee?"/"Because he's an idiot."

"Why did the hipster refuse to undergo surgery?"/"The anesthesia wasn't local."

"Why did the Hobbit put his phone on silent?"/"Because he was bored of the rings."

"Why did the homophone cross the rowed?"/"To get to the other sighed."

"Why did the horseman put a saddle on a large loaf of bread?"/"It was a crusty steed."

"Why did the hot dogs need more room?"/"They were over-krauted."

"Why did the hotel hire a skeleton on Halloween?"/"He had a skeleton key."

"Why did the illusionist cross the road?"/"He didn't."

"Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?"/"He couldn't see himself doing it."

"Why did the jalapeño put on a sweater?"/"Because he was a little chili."

"Why did the Jedi cross the road?"/"To get to the Dark Side."

"Why did the jellybean go to school?"/"He wanted to be a Smartie."

"Why did the Jewish man walk into a stop sign?"/"He wasn't an observant Jew."

"Why did the lady wear a helmet every time she ate?"/"She was on a crash diet."

"Why did the Lego cross the road?"/"To get to the other block."

"Why did the leprechaun cross the road?"/"He wanted to reach the pot of gold faster."

"Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato?"/"To keep from falling in the stew!"

"Why did the lion cross the road?"/"Because he saw a zebra crossing."

"Why did the lion cross the road?"/"To get to the other pride."

"Why did the little kid dance on the jar of jam?"/"Because the top said, 'Twist to open.'"

"Why did the lobster blush?"/"Because he saw the salad dressing!"

"Why did the man attach a rocket to a deer?"/"He wanted to make a quick buck."

"Why did the man dump ground beef on his head?"/"He wanted a meatier shower."

"Why did the man dump ground beef on his head?"/"He wanted a meatier shower."

"Why did the man get sick after eating a loaf of bread?"/"He overdoughsed."

"Why did the man put a clock under his desk?"/"He wanted to work overtime."

"Why did the man throw a clock out the window?"/"To see time fly."

"Why did the marble countertop leave the kitchen?"/"It was tired of being taken for granite."

"Why did the mathematician work from home?"/"Because he could only function in his domain."

"Why did the medium cross the road?"/"To speak to the other side."

"Why did the melon jump into the water?"/"Because it wanted to become a watermelon."

"Why did the minus sign run for office?"/"To make a difference."

"Why did the M&M go to school?"/"Because it wanted to be a Smartie."

"Why did the monster eat a light bulb?"/"He wanted a light snack."

"Why did the moron jump from the building?"/"He wanted to make a hit on Broadway."

"Why did the moron jump from the building?"/"He wanted to make a hit on Broadway."

"Why did the moron jump from the building?"/"He wanted to make a hit on Broadway."

"Why did the mushroom go to the party?"/"Because he was a fun-gi."

"Why did the musician give his daughters the same name?"/"So he could yell 'Anna 1, Anna 2!'"

"Why did the Nazi win the race?"/"He was the fascist."

"Why did the newspaper blush?"/"It saw the comic strip."

"Why did the non-binary prospector move to California?"/"There was gold in them/their hills"

"Why did the one-handed man cross the road?"/"He wanted to go to a second hand store."

"Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road?"/"It ran out of juice."

"Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?"/"Because it lost its filling."

"Why did the otter cross the road?"/"To get to the otter side."

"Why did the oven go back to University?"/"To get another degree."

"Why did the painting go to jail?"/"It was framed."

"Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?"/"Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated."

"Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?"/"Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated."

"Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant?"/"He had a big bill."

"Why did the pervert cross the road?"/"He got stuck in the chicken."

"Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher?"/"There was no chemistry."

"Why did the piano player cross the road?"/"To get to the other stride."

"Why did the pickle stop being a contortionist?"/"It was too cucumbersome."

"Why did the picture go to jail?"/"Because it was framed."

"Why did the pie go to the dentist?"/"To get a filling."

"Why did the piece of cheese go to the gym?"/"To get shredded."

"Why did the piece of cheese go to the gym?"/"To get shredded."

"Why did the piglets do badly in school?"/"They were all slow loiners."

"Why did the pilgrim eat a candle?"/"He wanted a light snack."

"Why did the pilot blush?"/"Because he saw the airstrip."

"Why did the pirate ask for a loan with 3.142 percent interest?"/"He wanted the pi-rate!"

"Why did the pirate ask to get a mortgage with 3.142 percent interest?"/"He wanted the pi-rate!"

"Why did the pirate go to college?"/"To become an arrrrrrchitect!"

"Why did the pirate send his hot dog back at Nathan's?"/"Because it was a salty dog."

"Why did the police arrest the turkey?"/"They suspected it of fowl play."

"Why did the police officer smell?"/"Because he was on duty."

"Why did the politician cross the road?"/"To get to the other bribe."

"Why did the politician cross the road?"/"To collect the $300 travel allowance."

"Why did the polygamist cross the road?"/"To get to the other bride."

"Why did the potato cough up blood?"/"Because it had tuber-culosis."

"Why did the potato cross the road?"/"He saw a fork up ahead."

"Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?"/"To get to the other slide."

"Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?"/"To get to the other slide."

"Why did the printer go to the gym?"/"To get toner."

"Why did the programmer quit his job?"/"Because he didn't get arrays."

"Why did the rabbit cross the road?"/"Because the chicken had his Easter eggs!"

"Why did the raccoon cross the road?"/"He didn't, he got hit by a car."

"Why did the road kill the chicken?"/"The chicken crossed him."

"Why did the rockmelon jump into the river?"/"He wanted to become a watermelon."

"Why did the rooster cross the road to KFC?"/"To see a chicken strip."

"Why did the rooster cross the road to KFC?"/"To see a chicken strip."

"Why did the rooster cross the road to KFC?"/"To see a chicken strip."

"Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?"/"She wanted to stretch her legs."

"Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?"/"To get to the rubber side."

"Why did the runner stop listening to music?"/"Because she broke too many records."

"Why did the sarcastic chicken cross the road?"/"To get to the other snide."

"Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?"/"Because he was outstanding in his field."

"Why did the sea monster eat five ships carrying potatoes?"/"No one can eat just one potato ship."

"Why did the skeleton cross the road?"/"To get to the body shop."

"Why did the skeleton go to the BBQ?"/"He needed some spare ribs!"

"Why did the slave go to college?"/"So he could pick up his Master's degree."

"Why did the snail cross the road?"/"I don't know. It hasn't gotten there yet."

"Why did the snowman pull down his pants?"/"Because he heard a snow blower coming."

"Why did the snowman pull down his pants?"/"Because he saw the snowblower coming."

"Why did the sperm cross the road?"/"Because I put on the wrong socks before I went for a walk."

"Why did the spy cross the road?"/"Because he was never really on your side."

"Why did the stand-up comedian get a job at Domino's?"/"He needed to work on his delivery."

"Why did the Statue of Liberty take karate?" (riddle)

"Why did the stoner cross the road?"/"Because his dealer lived on the other side."

"Why did the stoner cross the road?"/"Because it was the HIGHway."

"Why did the stoner cross the road?"/"The grass was greener on the other side."

"Why did the stoner cross the road?"/"To avoid the pot hole."

"Why did the stoner cross the road?"/"Who else would follow a chicken?"

"Why did the stoner put laxatives in weed brownies?"/"For shits and giggles."

"Why did the strawberry cross the road?"/"Because his mother was in a jam."

"Why did the strawberry cross the road?"/"Because his mother was in a jam."

"Why did the student bring scissors to school?"/"He wanted to cut class."

"Why did the students flunk the final exam at the Magician's School?"/"They were all trick questions."

"Why did the suicidal chicken cross the road?"/"To get to the other cyanide."

"Why did the super villain cross the road?"/"To get to the other sidekick."

"Why did the tachyon cross the road?"/"Because it was on the other side."

"Why did the tamale go to the hospital?"/"Tamalito."

"Why did the tanner cross the road?"/"To get to the other hide."

"Why did the taxidermist cross the road?"/"To get to the other hide."

"Why did the teacher go to the beach?"/"To test the water."

"Why did the teacher have her hair in a bun?"/"Because she had her nose in a hamburger."

"Why did the teacher have her hair in a bun?"/"Because she had her nose in a hamburger."

"Why did the teacher jump in the lake?"/"She wanted to test the waters."

"Why did the teacher jump in the pool?"/"She wanted to test the water."

"Why did the teacher write on the window?"/"Because she wanted the lesson to be very clear."

"Why did the television cross the road?"/"Because it wanted to be a flat screen."

"Why did the tofu cross the road?"/"To prove he wasn't chicken."

"Why did the tofu cross the road?"/"To prove he wasn't chicken."

"Why did the tomato blush?"/"Because it saw the salad dressing."

"Why did the tomato blush?"/"Because it saw the salad undressing."

"Why did the tomato turn red?"/"Because it saw the salad dressing."

"Why did the traffic light turn red?" (joke)

"Why did the Tupperware lady escape from jail?"/"Because they couldn’t container."

"Why did the turkey cross the road?"/"It was the chicken's day off."

"Why did the turkey cross the road?"/"To get to the other sides."

"Why did the turkey cross the table?"/"To get to the other sides."

"Why did the turtle cross the road?"/"To get to the Shell station."

"Why did the TV cross the road?"/"Because it wanted to be a flat screen."

"Why did the vampire flunk art class?"/"He could only draw blood."

"Why did the vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?"/"He heard it had great circulation."

"Why did the vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?"/"He heard it had great circulation."

"Why did the vegan cross the road?" (joke)

"Why did the vegan cross the road?" (joke)

"Why did the vegan meat cross the road?"/"To prove it wasn't chicken."

"Why did the vegan meat cross the road?"/"To prove it wasn't chicken."

"Why did the vegetable never meet his father?"/"Because he had a dead beet dad."

"Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?"/"Because he took a leek!"

"Why did the vindictive chicken cross the road?"/"Because the road crossed her first."

"Why did the vulture cross the road?"/"Because the chicken didn't make it."

"Why did the vulture cross the road?"/"For a fowl reason."

"Why did the WASP cross the road?"/"To get to the middle."

"Why did the WASP cross the road?"/"To get to the middle."

"Why did the weak acid go to the gym?"/"To become a buffer solution."

"Why did the weather want privacy?"/"It was changing."

"Why did the woman wear a helmet at the dinner table?"/"She was on a crash diet."

"Why did the yo-yo cross the road?"/"It was walking the dog."

"Why did the zebra cross the road?"/"Because it was a zebra crossing."

"Why did they stop selling beer at the baseball park?" (joke)

"Why did they stop the zombie hockey game?"/"There was a face off in the corner."

"Why did you come home half drunk?"/"I ran out of money."

"Why didn't 4 enter the haunted house?"/"Because it was 2 squared."

"Why didn't anyone respect the mushroom farmer?"/"He had no morels."

"Why didn’t Cupid shoot at the lawyer’s heart?"/"Because Cupid can't hit a target that small."

"Why didn't people want to go to the German restaurant?"/"It was always too krauted."

"Why didn't Rudolph get a good report card?"/"Because he went down in History."

"Why didn't the acrobat work in the winter?"/"He wanted to do summer-saults."

"Why didn't the atheist cross the road?"/"There's no such thing as the other side."

"Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?"/"It had grater plans."

"Why didn't the chick cross the road?"/"Because it was a little chicken."

"Why didn't the chicken cross the road?"/"Because he saw what happened to the zebra."

"Why didn't the dog want to play football?"/"It was a boxer."

"Why didn't the donkey cross the road?"/"Because he saw what happened to the zebra."

"Why didn't the Easter egg cross the road?"/"Because he wasn't a chicken yet!"

"Why didn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie?"/"Because he was too far out, man."

"Why didn't the Mexican archer fire his bow?"/"He didn't habanero."

"Why didn't the piglets listen to the teacher pig?"/"Because he was an old boar."

"Why didn't the Romans find algebra very difficult?"/"Because X was always 10."

"Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?"/"He didn’t have any guts."

"Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?"/"He had no body to dance with!"

"Why didn't the skeleton like the Halloween candy?"/"He didn't have the stomach for it."

"Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school?"/"Because his heart wasn't in it."

"Why didn’t the teddy bear eat dessert?"/"Because he was stuffed."

"Why didn't the two fours want any lunch?"/"Because they already eight."

"Why didn't you take the bus?" (joke)

"Why do all hot dogs look the same?"/"Because they are in bread."

"Why do ambassadors never get sick?"/"They have diplomatic immunity."

"Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?"

"Why do Americans fish with a gun?"/"So they get the whole school."

"Why do Americans make such a fuss about 9/11 anyway? What happened on the 9th of November?"

"Why do ants not go to church?"/"Because they're in sects."

"Why do astronauts use Linux?"/"Because they can't open Windows in space."

"Why do bagpipers walk when they play?"/"To get away from the noise."

"Why do bankers make great lovers?"/"They know the penalty for early withdrawal."

"Why do Baptists forbid kissing standing up?"/"It might lead to dancing."

"Why do barrel racers have to be cremated?"/"Because the ground's never good enough."

"Why do beavers spend a fortune on the internet?"/"They never want to log off."

"Why do beers on airplanes cost so much?"/"You're paying for the atmosphere."

"Why do beers on airplanes cost so much?"/"You're paying for the atmosphere."

"Why do bees have sticky hair?"/"Because they use honeycombs."

"Why do bees stay in their hives during winter?"/"Swarm."

"Why do big-game hunters mount lions’ heads?"/"To mount the other end would be a catastrophe."

"Why do birds fly south for the winter?"/"Because it's too far to walk."

"Why do blondes hate M&Ms?"/"They're too hard to peel."

"Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?"

"Why do bouncers throw violent drunks out the back door?"/"Because they belong behind bars."

"Why do brides wear white?"/"Because it's the most popular color for kitchen appliances"

"Why do cannibals eat readers, not writers?"/"Because writers cramp, but readers digest."

"Why do cannibals go to the movies alone?"/"No outside food is allowed."

"Why do cannibals go to the movies alone?"/"No outside food is allowed."

"Why do chemists like nitrates so much?"/"They're cheaper than day rates."

"Why do chicken coops only have 2 doors?"/"Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans."

"Why do choruses travel so often?" (joke)

"Why do cows go to New York City?"/"To see the moosicals."

"Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?"/"Because they lactose."

"Why do cows lie when it's raining?"/"To keep each udder dry."

"Why do cows think cooks are mean?"/"They whip cream!"

"Why do cows wear bells?"/"Because their horns don't work."

"Why do crabs never give to charity?"/"Because they're shellfish."

"Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with"

"Why do dinosaurs pay for Amazon Shipping?"/"Because they live in the Land before Prime."

"Why do eggs come in flimsy styrofoam cartons & batteries in a package only a chainsaw opens?"

"Why do fish swim in schools?"/"Because they can't walk in schools."

"Why do Germans fear hotdogs with cheese?"/"It's a Wurst-Käse scenario."

"Why do ghosts eat only the finest quality health food?"/"Because it's super-natural."

"Why do ghosts go to the gym?"/"To lift, they're spirits."

"Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators?"/"It lifts their spirits."

"Why do ghosts use reddit?"/"Because they don’t have a life either."

"Why do girls float?"/"They're boyn't."

"Why do green beans meditate?"/"To find inner peas."

"Why do hamburgers feel sad at barbecues?"/"They get to meet their old flames."

"Why do hens lay eggs?"/"Because if they dropped them they'd break."

"Why do I hate drinking coffee in front of the mirror?"/"Because of my ugly mug."

"Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more"

"Why do I live in a place where the air hurts my face?"

"Why do Java programmers wear glasses?"/"Because they can’t C#."

"Why do Jewish women love Chinese food?"/"Because 'wonton' spelled backwards is 'not now.'"

"Why do your kids go to school in gun-free zones, but Congress goes to work with armed guards?"

"Why do kittens make good announcers?"/"Because they have wee paws for station identification."

"Why do leprechauns giggle when they play soccer?"/"Because the grass tickles their balls."

"Why do leprechauns have pots o'gold?"/"They like to 'go' first class!"

"Why do leprechauns love to garden?"/"They have green thumbs."

"Why do lesbians shop at Sports Authority?"/"Because they don't like Dick's."

"Why do lions only mate in the summer?"/"Because the pride comes before the fall."

"Why do lions stay with their families in June?"/"Because that's Pride Month!"

"Why do mathematicians like parks?"/"Because of all the natural logs."

"Why do Mexicans eat beans for dinner?"/"So they can have bubble baths."

"Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?"/"So they can have something to unwrap."

"Why do Mexicans never cross the border in groups of three?"/"Because a sign says 'No Trespassing.'"

"Why do midgets make bad parents?"/"Because they struggle to put food on the table."

"Why do Native Americans hate snow?"/"Because it's white and settles on their land."

"Why do only flat animals try to cross the road?"

"Why do pancakes always win at baseball?"/"They have the best batter."

"Why do pancakes always win at baseball?"/"They have the best batter."

"Why do paper straws come in plastic wrappers?"

"Why do people argue with short people? Their heights won't make them reach an agreement"

"Why do people carry umbrellas?"/"Because umbrellas can't walk."

"Why do people come back from baby changing stations with the same baby?"

"Why do people cry on the last day of school? The right time to cry is the first day of school"

"Why do people eat pretzels since they are knot food?"

"Why do people kill animals?"/"Fur convenience steak"

"Why do people like making lasagna from scratch at home?"/"It’s pretty much a pizza cake."

"Why do people like soda?"/"Because it's sodalicious." (soda + delicious)

"Why do people pull their mask down to hear better?"

"Why do people pull their mask down to listen better?"

"Why do people put ketchup on french fries, but not on mashed potatoes?"

"Why do people think vanilla ice cream is plain? It’s vanilla-flavored"

"Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?"/"Regular rocks are too heavy."

"Why do people work as bakers?"/"Because they knead the dough."

"Why do pickles wear glasses?"/"They're legally brined."

"Why do pirates make great lawyers?"/"Because they’re very skilled at arrrrrguing."

"Why do police drive around looking for crime?"

"Why do police officers speed?"/"Because they can."

"Why do politicians take laxatives?"/"So they can speak more fluently."

"Why do potatoes make good detectives?"/"Because they keep their eyes peeled."

"Why do programmers prefer dark mode?"/"Because light attracts bugs."

"Why do radio announcers need to have small hands?"/"Wee paws for station identification."

"Why do radio stations stop the music just to say they play non-stop music?"

"Why do Rastafarians avoid Jewish delis?"/"Because they dread lox!"

"Why do riot police get to work early?"/"To beat the crowd."

"Why do so many math majors confuse Halloween and Christmas?"/"Because OCT 31 = DEC 25."

"Why do society hate lazy people? They didn't even do anything"

"Why do Swedish warships have barcodes?"/"So when they dock they can Scandinavian."

"Why do the French have so many civil wars?"/"So that they can win one."

"Why do the French transport snails without their shells?"/"Less cargo."

"Why do the Japanese smoke before overthrowing the government?"/"They love haikus."

"Why do the police use drug-sniffing dogs rather than sober ones?"

"Why do they call guns arms and arms guns?"

"Why do they call guns arms and arms guns?"

"Why do they call it a hot water heater when it actually heats cold water?"

"Why do they call it a World Series when it's always played in the Bronx?"

"Why do they call it parking and not parqueen?"

"Why do they call it Scotch tape if it doesn't taste like Scotch?"

"Why do they call it the novel coronavirus? It’s a long story..."

"Why do they call them lifts in the UK & elevators in the US?"/"Because we’re raised differently."

"Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?"

"Why do they say 'amen' instead of 'awomen' at the end of songs?"/"Because they're hymns, not hers."

"Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?"

"Why do turkeys always go 'Gobble! Gobble!'?"/"Because they never learned good table manners."

"Why do Uber drivers skip the gym?"/"Because they aren't trying to Lyft."

"Why do Uber drivers skip the gym?"/"Because they aren't trying to Lyft."

"Why do vampires drink blood?"/"Because coffee keeps them awake all day!"

"Why do vampires drink blood?"/"Root beer makes them burp."

"Why do vegetarians like parallel lines?"/"Because they don’t meat."

"Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?"

"Why do we call them olives and not Greece's Pieces?"

"Why do we color Easter eggs?"/"Because Jesus dyed for your sins."

"Why do we drink water?"/"Because we can't eat it."

"Why do we drive on the parkway and park on the driveway?"

"Why do we live in a culture where everyone is expected to have an opinion on everything?"

"Why do we have applesauce and mashed potatoes and not mashed apples and potatosauce?"

"Why do we kill people who kill people to show that killing people is wrong?"

"Why do we paint Easter eggs?"/"Because it's easier than trying to wallpaper them."

"Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?" (joke)

"Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game' when we are already there?"

"Why do we tell actors to 'break a leg'?"/"Because every play has a cast."

"Why do we use protractors in geometry?"/"Because amateur tractors don't know what they're doing!"

"Why do women with nieces and nephews have great immune systems? Because of their auntie-bodies"

"Why do women park so close to the curb?" (NSFW joke)

"Why do worms taste like chewing gum?"/"Because they're wrigleys."

"Why do writers constantly feel cold?"/"Because they're surrounded by drafts."

"Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?"/"Do we, now?"

"Why does a Frenchman have only one egg in his omelet?" (joke)

"Why does a round pizza come in a square box?"

"Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?"

"Why does anyone need an AR-15 rifle?"

"Why does beer go through your system so fast?" (joke)

"Why does California have the most lawyers and NJ the most toxic waste dumps?" (lawyer joke)

"Why does cheese look sane?"/"Because everything else on the plate is crackers."

"Why does Christmas always come just when the stores are so crowded?"

"Why does cling wrap stick to everything except what you want it to?"

"Why does Congress goes to work with armed security, but your kids go to school in gun-free zones?"

"Why does cooking take like 5 hours and eating like 3 seconds and washing dishes like 7 days"

"Why does cooking take like 6 hours and eating like 3 seconds and washing dishes like 7 days"

"Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle?" (dirty joke)

"Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle?" (dirty joke)

"Why does fried duck get golden, crispy and delicious?"/"The mallard reaction."

"Why does hamburger have less energy than steak?"/"Because it's in the ground state."

"Why does it take 5-7 business days to refund my money when it took 5-7 second to take it"

"Why does it take me 452 snacks to realize that I just need to eat dinner?"

"Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?"/"Because they can spend years at C."

"Why does lightning shock people?"/"Because it doesn't know how to conduct itself."

"Why does McDonald's not have a steak sandwich on the menu?"/"Because it would be a McSteak."

"Why does mineral water that has 'trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'Use By' date?"

"Why does Mr. Potato have a mobile phone?"/"Just in case Mr. Onion rings."

"Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?"

"Why does no one starve in a desert?" (joke)

"Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?"/"Because they have a supreme ruler."

"Why does NY have so many bankers and NJ so many toxic waste dumps?" (banker joke)

"Why does Pornhub even have a share to Google+ button?" (joke)

"Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?"/"Because it soots him."

"Why does Scrooge love Rudolph?"/"Because every buck is dear to him."

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger..."

"Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?" (joke)

"Why does Superman hate trading Bitcoin after 7 p.m.?"/"Because it’s Crypto-night."

"Why does the baloney fear the slicer?" (politician avoiding a tough interview/debate)

"Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex?" (lawyer joke)

"Why does the Easter bunny drink beer?"/"To get his hops."

"Why does the man want to buy nine rackets?"/"Because tennis too many."

"Why does the Statue of Liberty stand in the harbor?"/"Because it can't sit down."

"Why does vegan cheese taste bad?"/"It hasn't been tested on mice."

"Why does your mom taste like a savory?"/"Because she's umami."

"Why doesn't a scarecrow eat?"/"Because he's already stuffed."

"Why doesn't Jesus play hockey?" (joke)

"Why doesn’t Mike Tyson use a PlayStation?"/"Because he’s an X-Boxer."

"Why doesn't the sun go to college?"/"Because it has a million degrees."

"Why doesn't this restaurant have any specials?"/"Because nothing about this food is special."

"Why doesn't Tupperware come out with 'spaghetti sauce' colored containers?"

"Why don't ants go to church?"/"Because they're in sects."

"Why don't apples smile when you go bobbing?"/"Because they're crab apples."

"Why don't blind people go skydiving?"/"Because it scares the hell out of their dogs."

"Why don't blondes like making Jell-O?"/"They can't fit two cups of water in the little box."

"Why don't blondes like making Kool-Aid?"/"They can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet."

"Why don't boxers have sex the night before a fight?"/"They don't fancy each other."

"Why don't cannibals eat clowns?"/"Because they taste funny!"

"Why don't cannibals eat divorced women?"/"They're too bitter."

"Why don't chickens play baseball?" (joke)

"Why don’t Chinese kids believe in Santa?"/"Because they make the toys."

"Why don't churches have WiFi?"/"They don't want to compete with an invisible power that works."

"Why don't communists ever learn?"/"Because there are no classes."

"Why don't communists ever learn?"/"Because there are no classes."

"Why don't cows ever have any money?"/"Because the farmers milk them dry."

"Why don’t cows work in restaurants?"/"They kept getting tipped."

"Why don't developers carry guns?"/"They have troubleshooting."

"Why don't eggs taste like chicken?"

"Why don't escalators and stairs have music like elevators?"

"Why don't football players wear glasses?"/"Because it's a contact sport."

"Why don't ghosts like rain?"/"It dampens their spirits."

"Why don't government workers stare out the window in the morning?"

"Why don’t hamburger buns get along?"/"There’s always beef between them."

"Why don't helicopters fly in the morning?"/"Twirly."

"Why don't I eat beans? Because it gives migas"

"Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering"

"Why don't keyboards sleep?"/"Because they have two shifts."

"Why don't lawyers play hide-and-seek?"/"Nobody will look for them."

"Why don't lions like fast food?" (joke)

"Why don't melons run away to get married?"/"Because they cantaloupe."

"Why don't Mexicans have barbecues?"/"Because the beans fall through the grill."

"Why don't monsters eat ghosts?"/"Because they taste like sheet."

"Why don't orphans play baseball?"/"They don't know where home is."

"Why don't pâtissiers buy cigarettes?"/"Because they profiterole their own."

"Why don't people eat bear meat?"/"It's too gristly."

"Why don’t people get up early in Athens?"/"Because Dawn is tough on Greece."

"Why don’t pirates drive on mountain roads?"/"‘Scurvy."

"Why don't pirates need lawyers?"/"They prefer to settle through ARRrrrbitration."

"Why don’t seagulls live by the bay?"/"Because then they'd be bagels."

"Why don’t skeletons like Halloween candy?"/"They don’t have the stomach for it."

"Why don’t skeletons play music in church?"/"They have no organs."

"Why don’t strings get any presents for Christmas?"/"Because they’re always on the knotty list."

"Why don't the Chinese gamble?"/"Because they don't like Tibet."

"Why don't they allow donkeys in school?"/"Because no one likes a smart ass."

"Why don’t they just make the Tupperware spaghetti colored right there at the factory?"

"Why don't they serve chocolate in prison?"/"Because it makes you break out."

"Why don't vampires gamble?"/"They can't deal with those stakes."

"Why don’t vampires play poker?"/"They are afraid of the stakes."

"Why don't vegans take risks?"/"Because their life could be at steak."

"Why don’t vegetarians hold grudges?"/"Because they never have beef with anyone!"

"Why don’t we take the safety labels off everything and let this stupidity problem solve itself?"

"Why don’t white people work on the fourth of July?"/"Because they firecrackers on that day!"

"Why don't you come up and see me sometime?" (Mae West)

"Why don't you eat fish on Thanksgiving?"/"Because Thanksgiving never falls on a fry day."

"Why don't you explain this to me like I wear a mask alone in my car?"

"Why don't you get out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini?"

"Why don't you tell me when you orgasm?"/"I don't like to call you at work."

"Why don't you wear snow boots?"/"Because they'll melt."

"Why don't zombies eat ghosts?"/"Because they taste like sheet."

"Why experiment on animals with so many lawyers out there?"

"Why go out for hamburger, when I've got steak at home?"

"Why has no one named Dominick opened a sandwich shop called Dom's Subs?"

"Why hasn’t Bed Bath & Beyond partnered with Beyond Meat so they actually have a beyond section?"

"Why have abs when you can have kebabs?"

"Why have abs when you can have kebabs?"

"Why have you never heard of a haunted gym?"/"The ghosts are exercising themselves."

"Why have you never heard of a haunted gym?"/"The ghosts are exorcising themselves."

"Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet?"/"They looked at the reviews. Only 1 star."

Why I am running

"Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?"

"Why is 6 afraid of 7?"/"Because 7 8 9."

"Why is 6 afraid of 7?"/"Because 7 is a registered 6 offender"

"Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world?"/"Because it has four rabbits' feet."

"Why is a colt like an egg?"/"It must be broken before it can be used."

"Why is a dog scared of a fire?"/"It doesn't want to become a hot dog."

"Why is a foot a good Christmas present?"/"Because it's a great stocking filler."

"Why is a ghost such a messy eater?"/"Because he is always a goblin."

"Why is a police dog called a K-9?"/"Because if it was higher it would be a cat."

"Why is a room full of married people empty?"/"Because there's not a single person in it."

"Why is a violist like a terrorist?" (joke)

"Why is America so fat?"/"Because these colors don't run."

"Why is American beer served cold?"/"So you can tell it from urine."

"Why is an empty champagne bottle like an orphan?"/"Because it has lost its pop."

"Why is apple sauce not called mashed apples and why is mashed potatoes not called potato sauce?"

"Why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time"

"Why is canned Parmesan cheese the most family-friendly?"/"It's always G rated."

"Why is chicken the sexiest meat?"/"Chicken strips."

"Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?" (joke)

"Why is cow meat called beef, pig meat called pork, and chicken meat just called chicken?"

"Why is ‘dark’ not spelled like ‘darc’?"/"Because you can’t C in the dark!"

"Why is 'dark' spelled with a K and not a C?"/"Because you can’t C in the dark."

"Why is Easter like whipped cream and a cherry?"/"Because it's always on a sundae."

"Why is Europe like a frying pan?"/"Because it has Greece on the bottom."

"Why is every gender equality officer female?"/"Because it's cheaper."

"Why is food better than men?"/"Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds."

"Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?"

"Why is gravity so cheap?"/"Because it's mass-produced."

"Why is ground beef so popular?"/"Because the flying cows are really hard to catch."

"Why is history like a fruit cake?"/"Because it's full of dates."

"Why is it called a break room when it’s full of everyone I need a break from?"

"Why is it called a cheese grater when it removes cheese? Shouldn't it be a cheese lesser?"

"Why is it called a dad bod and not a father figure?"

"Why is it called a house salad when it's not on the house?"

"Why is it called a 'slice' of bread but a 'piece' of toast?"

"Why is it called a sperm bank and not a cumpany?"

"Why is it called a strip mall when there aren't any strippers?"

"Why is it called a tablespoon when it's not made of tables, nor do you use it to eat tables?"

"Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?"

"Why is it called boob sweat and not humidititties?"

"Why is it called 'camouflage' and not"

"Why is it called 'rush hour' when your car barely moves?"

"Why is it called Sesame Street"/"They couldn't call it Thyme Square."

"Why is it called sorting out your spice rack and not thyme management?"

"Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?"

"Why is it easy to give a speech to an audience of strippers?" (joke)

"Why is it gayer there? Lindsay's the mayor there, Fun city, fun city, the one city for fun"

"Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?"/"Because their days are numbered."

"Why is it hard to play hide and seek inside a Chinese restaurant?"/"The ducks are always Peking."

"Why is it so easy to get into pirate college?"/"Because you only need the high C's."

"Why is it so hard to insult a communist?"/"They never take things personally."

"Why is it so hard to recognise a pilot?"/"They always travel in disguise."

"Why is it so hard to recognize a pilot?"/"They always travel in disguise."

"Why is it sometimes difficult to carry multiple pickles?"/"They can be cucumbersome."

"Why is it spelled 'camouflage' and not"

"Why is it that our nose runs, but our feet smell?"

"Why is it that when archaeologists find human remains, they're either male or female..."

"Why is it wrong to drive a van with 2 lawyers off a cliff? Because you could have fit 20 of them"

"Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?"

"Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable?"/"Because it's all heart."

"Why is melted butter no good?"/"It's rendered useless."

"Why is Microsoft so bad at writing music?"/"Because they can only use OneNote!"

"Why is Microsoft so bad at writing music?"/"Because they can only use OneNote!"

"Why is milk so fast?"/"Because it's pasteurized before you see it."

"Why is monastery food so greasy?"/"It's cooked by friars."

"Why is Monday so far from Friday, but Friday so close to Monday?"

"Why is NASCAR a white dominated sport?"/"They're all racists."

"Why is New York City called 'The Big Apple?' Wrong answers only" (2021)

"Why is nostalgia like grammar?"/"We find the present tense and the past perfect."

"Why is Peter Pan always flying?"/"Because he never lands."

"Why is Peter Pan such a bad boxer?"/"He never lands."

"Why is Pride month always in the summer?"/"Because Pride cometh before the Fall."

"Why is pride month in the summer?"/"Because pride goeth before the fall."

"Why is programming in Django hard?"/"You can only use two fingers on your left hand."

"Why is Santa Claus immune to COVID-19?"/"Because he has santabodies."

"Why is Spain so good at soccer?"/"Because no one expects the Spanish in position."

"Why is stir fry never cooked on the ocean?"/"Because everyone knows you can't wok on water."

"Why is Texas called the Lone Star State?"/"It's their Yelp rating."

"Why is the Army so strict on uniforms?"/"To minimize casual tees."

"Why is the cook worried about catching his runaway pig?"/"He knows a little ham goes a long way."

"Why is the letter B so cool?"/"Because it’s sitting in the middle of the AC."

"Why is the letter 'C' afraid of the rest of the alphabet?"/"All the other letters are Not-Cs."

"Why is a map of Turkey-in-Europe like a dripping pan?"/"Because there is Greece at the bottom."

"Why is the prostitute good with math?"/"Because it's the thot that counts."

"Why is the Second Amendment the only Constitutional right you need a permit to use?"

"Why is the Statue of Liberty surrounded by water?" (riddle)

"Why is the Tower of Pisa leaning?"/"Because it had better reflexes than the Twin Towers."

"Why is there a "D" in fridge, but not refrigerator?"

"Why is there a shirt and tie on the telly?"/"It's a smart TV."

"Why is there a thing called a grapefruit, when there's a fruit called a grape?"

"Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?"

"Why is there kosher salt, but no kosher pepper?"

"Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?" (joke)

"Why is there so much controversy around gays in America, when our own country had four fathers?"

"Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience?"

"Why is too much alcohol bad for you?"/"Because that would be too whiskey."

"Why is Valentine's Day the best day for a celebration?"/"Because you can really party hearty!"

"Why isn’t a male coffee barista called a baristo?"

"Why isn't Dracula allowed out during COVID?"/"He's always coffin."

"Why isn’t 'female' pronounced like 'tamale'?"

"Why isn't holy water used in vaccines?"/"Because you can't take the lord's name in vein."

"Why isn't suntanning an Olympic sport?"/"You can only get bronze."

"Why isn't the Discovery Channel on a different channel every day?"

"Why isn't there any music in skeleton church?"/"No organs."

"Why must I prove that I am me when I pay bills over the phone? Do strangers call to pay my bills?"

"Why not move the clocks ahead on a Friday around 4PM?"

"Why pay taxes when the government can just print money?"

"Why pay taxes when they can just print money?"

"Why pay taxes when you can just print money?"

"Why pay to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you"

"Why should I signal?" (joke)

"Why should lawyers be buried 20 feet underground?" (lawyer joke)

"Why should people see bad pictures when they can stay at home and see bad television?"

"Why should people see bad pictures when they can stay at home and see bad television?"

"Why should you be afraid of a white man in prison?" (prison joke)

"Why should you enjoy the music at the entrance of a hotel?"/"Because it's foyer entertainment."

"Why should you never fight a dinosaur?"/"You'll get jurasskicked."

"Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover?"/"You shouldn't press your luck."

"Why shouldn't you fall in love with a pastry chef?"/"Because he'll dessert you."

"Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?"/"They’re seedy."

"Why shouldn't you hire a midget chef?"/"The steaks are too high."

"Why shouldn't you insult an Italian baker?"/"Because he'll beat the focaccia."

"Why shouldn't you put avocados in your eyes?"/"You could get guacoma."

"Why shouldn’t you run while playing bagpipes?"/"You could trip and get kilt."

"Why shouldn't you tell a secret in a cornfield?"/"Because the corn has ears."

"Why shouldn’t you tell an Easter egg a joke?"/"It might crack up."

"Why shouldn't you tell secrets when a clock is around?"/"Because time will tell."

"Why shouldn’t you trust watermelons?"/"They’re seedy."

"Why steal less when you can steal more?"

"Why the heck do they call it a swimming pool? I mean, it doesn't even swim!"

"Why the heck do underwear and socks come in resealable bags, but potato chips don’t?"

"Why the hell not?" (2006 Kinky Friedman campaign slogan for governor)

"Why was Cinderella thrown off the baseball team?"/"Because she ran away from the ball."

"Why was Santa Claus sick?"/"He came down with the flue."

"Why was Santa's little helper depressed?"/"Because he had low elf esteem."

"Why was Sarah smiling at the gym?"/"Because Sarah-tonin."

"Why was the blonde late for work?"/"She was stranded on the broken escalator."

"Why was the blonde late for work?"/"She was stranded on the broken escalator."

"Why was the cannibal expelled from school?"/"Because he was buttering up his teacher."

"Why was the cannibal looking peeky?"/"Because he had just eaten a Chinese dog."

"Why was the cat so small?"/"Because it only ate condensed milk."

"Why was the circle depressed?"/"She thought her life was pointless."

"Why was the computer mad when he got home?"/"Because he had a hard drive."

"Why was the doorway so embarrassed?"/"It saw the weather stripping."

"Why was the elevator mad?"/"Everyone was pushing its buttons."

"Why was the farmer arrested at the gym?"/"He was destroying his calves."

"Why was the feminist picnic cancelled?"/"Because nobody made sandwiches."

"Why was the lawyer home early?"/"Briefcase."

"Why was the little girl sad after the race?"/"Because an egg beater."

"Why was the little girl sad after the race?"/"Because an egg beater."

"Why was the math book sad?"/"Because it had so many problems."

"Why was the math teacher late for school?"/"He took the rhombus."

"Why was the music teacher angry?"/"Because the kids were always passing notes."

"Why was the Pepsi employee fired?"/"He tested positive for Coke."

"Why was the Pepsi employee fired?"/"He tested positive for Coke."

"Why was pot roast sad?"/"Bae leaves."

"Why was the potato coughing?"/"He had tuber-culosis."

"Why was the racehorse named Strawberry Ice?"/"He was a sherbet."

"Why was the racehorse named Strawberry Ice?"/"He was a sherbet."

"Why was the road afraid of the bike lane?"/"Because it was a cycle path."

"Why was the snowman sad?"/"Because he had a meltdown."

"Why was the student's report card wet?"/"Because his grades were below C-level."

"Why was the tomato blushing?"/"Because he saw the salad dressing."

"Why were the coffee beans upset?"/"Because they got roasted."

"Why were the coffee beans upset?"/"Because they were grounded."

"Why were the twin towers sad?"/"They ordered pepperoni pizza and got plane."

"Why will nobody tell me what the lowest rank of the military is? Everyone says it's private"

"Why will there never be a coup d'état in Washington, D.C.?" (joke)

"Why won't Facebook sponsor the Metropolitan Museum of Art?"/"Because it's Met-averse."

"Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?"/"Because Batman swore to protect goth ham."

"Why would a thief only rob a bank at noon?"/"Because even the clocks would have their hands up."

"Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things..."

"Why would I argue with an antivaxxer when I can just wait"

"Why would you take a car door to the desert?"/"If you get hot, you can roll the window down."

"Why wouldn't the Statue of Liberty work in France?"/"Because she has only one arm raised."

"Why, yes, I could start my day without coffee. But I like being able to remember things..."

"Why is a salad shooter like the end of a church sermon?"/"Lettuce spray."

"Why's it customary for a woman to cook in a marriage?"/"By law, you have to feed the prisoner."

"Why's the bow-tie pasta afraid to jump off a cliff?"/"Because it's a Farfalle."

"Why’s a graveyard the safest place in quarantine?"/"Everybody’s 6 feet away."

Wi-Fried (Wi-Fi + fried)

"Waitress says 'Say when' when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan"

Wichitan (inhabitant of Wichita Falls)

Wicked Hot Chocolate & Wicked Fun Bonbons

Widget (New York World Journal Tribune)

Widow-and-Orphan Stock (Widows'-and-Orphans' Stock)

Wiener (or Weiner; Wienie; Weenie; Wiener Wurst; Wienerwurst; Vienna Sausage)

Wiener Wednesday (Weiner Wednesday)

"Wife and I exchanged Valentine's Day cards at the store. Then we put them back on the rack"

"Wife: Can you pick up milk?" (joke)

"Wife: Did I get fat during quarantine?" (joke)

"Wife has left me because of my fetish with touching pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now"

WiFry (WiFi + fry); WhyFry (WiFi + why + fry)

Wigstock

Wild and Woolly

Wild Art (photo unaccompanied by a story)

"Wild as an acre of snakes"

"Wild Turkey is my spirit animal"

Wild West (Wild Wild West)

Wildcat Bank (Wildcat Money)

Wilding ("Central Park Jogger" incident)

"While I was running today, I heard someone clapping. It was my thighs cheering me on"

"Will -- A dead giveaway"

"Will I be able to play the banjo after surgery?" (joke)

"Will I be able to play the piano after the operation?" (joke)

"Will I be hot or cold today? Texas: Yes"

Will Install Needless Data On Whole System (Microsoft "Windows" backronym)

"Will work for food"

William ("bill" at a fancy restaurant)

Williamsburg Jazz Festival

Williamsburger (inhabitant of Williamsburg, Brooklyn)

"Willingly Overlooking Known Evil" ("woke" backronym)

WillyB, Billyburg, Billburg, B-burg (Williamsburg, Brooklyn)

Wimberleyite (inhabitant of Wimberley)

"Win in a walk" (horse racing slang)

"Win on Sunday, sell on Monday" (auto racing adage)

"Win or go home"

"Win tonight, look good next time" (boxing adage)

"Wind chimes are made from the metallic bones of robots that tried to overthrow us..."

Wind City, USA (Roscoe nickname)

Wind Energy Capital of Texas (McCamey nickname)

Windham: Gem of the Catskills (nickname)

Windham: Land in the Sky (nickname)

Windmill Dunk (basketball shot)

Window Dressing

"Window or aisle?"/"Window or you'll what?"

Window-shopping

"Windows are a pane in the glass"

"Windows is a pane in the glass"

"Windows is for those who don't want to know why their computer doesn't work"

Windsor Stew

Windy City, 2006 Update: Encyclopedia of Chicago "Windy City" entry

Windy City (Port Elizabeth, South Africa nickname)

Windy City (Wellington, New Zealand nickname)

Windy Wellington (Wellington, New Zealand nickname)

Wine Bar

"Wine consumed as comfort drink is an emotional sup port beverage"

"Wine corks are for quitters"

"Wine, dine and pocket-line"

"Wine, dine and sixty-nine"

"Wine + dinner = winner"

"Wine flies when you're having fun"

"Wine -- How classy people get wasted"

Wine Ice Cream

"Wine improves with age -- I improve with wine"

"Wine in, whine out"

"Wine is bottled poetry" ("Wine is poetry in a bottle")

"Wine is cheaper than therapy"

"Wine is divine"

"Wine is karaoke fuel"

"Wine is like a hug in a glass"

"Wine is the best lip stain"

"Wine is win with an 'e' on the end"

"Wine makes me happy. You, not so much"

"Wine makes Wednesdays wonderful"

"Wine me up and watch me go"

"Wine (noun): The glue holding this shitshow together"

Wine O'Clock

Wine Pawning

Wine Root Stock Capital of the World (Denison nickname)

Wine Wednesday

"Wine Wednesday: like a little holiday in the middle of the week"

"Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos"

"Wineaux: A wine lover who uses a glass"

Winesday Wednesday

Winespeak

Wing Wednesday

Wingery (Buffalo wings + eatery)

Wingnut (Wing Nut)

WingNutDaily (WorldNetDaily or WND nickname)

Wingtard (wingnut + retard)

"Winner, winner, chicken dinner"

"Winners are grinners and losers can make their own arrangements"

"Winners focus on winning. Losers focus on winners"

"Winners have parties, losers have meetings"

"Winners train, losers complain" (exercise adage)

"Winning is a trophy, failing is an education"

"Winning is the best deodorant" (sports adage)

"Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything"

"Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing"

"Winning takes care of everything"

"Winning Ugly" (Texas Rangers manager Doug Rader)

"Winning without honor is worse than a loss"

"Winning without honor, is worse than a resounding defeat"

WiNo (Williamsburg North)

"Wins in April are just as important as wins in September" (baseball adage)

"Winter is coming. Don't forget to reverse your battery so the heat comes on..."

"Winter is coming. Don’t forget to reverse your battery so the heat comes on…"

"Winter is stupid"

"Winter is the only season that comes twice a year"

"Winter means double the coffee"

"Winter: My new excuse for drinking more coffee"

"Winter Storm Warning! Be careful who you take home tonight. You could be stuck with them all weekend"

"Winter Storm Warning! Careful who you take home tonight. You could be stuck with them all weekend"

Winter Texan

Winterval (winter + festival)

Winterval (winter+ festival)

Wire House (Wirehouse)

Wirus (variant pronunciation of "virus")

Wisconsin: America's Dairyland (nickname)

"Wisdom is knowing the right path to take. Integrity is taking it"

"Wisdom is knowing what to do next, skill is knowing how to do it, and virtue is doing it"

Wise Latina

"Wise Men Fish Here" (Gotham Book Mart)

"Wise old owl" poem

Wisenheimer

"Wish I were king, so I could fix what's wrong with democracy"

"Wish in one hand, shit in the other"

Wish Sandwich

"Wish you were beer"

Wishbone Offense (football formation)

Wishbone (Wish Bone; Wishing Bone)

"Wishing you a holly jolly whatever doesn't offend your bitch ass"

"Witch better have my candy"

Witch of Wall Street

"Witch parking only. All others will be toad"

"Witch you were here"

"With a few exceptions, the best players are also the hardest workers"

"With a name like Texas Instruments you'd think they would've made guitars, banjos, fiddles..."

"With all this stress eating, I’ll be at 270 before either candidate will be"

"With capitalism, you work or starve. With communism, you work and starve"

"With chains like Burger King, Dairy Queen, and White Castle, we need a peasant themed fast food"

"With enough coffee, even a Monday looks good"

"With everything going on, you’d think America is cursed or something. Like it was built on..."

"With Google Earth, people can see any place on the globe. But we just look up our homes"

"With grape powder comes grape responsibility"

"With grate power comes grate responsibility" (cheese grater pun)

"With great power comes great electricity bill"

"With great reflexes comes great response ability"

"With guns in the hands of the public, sure there will be tragedies, but without them there will be genocides"

"With guns in the hands of the public, there may be tragedies, but without them, there will be genocides"

"With ice cream, anything is popsicle"

"With little tea and just rice for all" (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

"With liver tea" (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

"With money, Latin and a good horse, you can get through all Europe"

"With organic whiskey, one may attain the stupornatural"

"With the end of daylight saving time, we can all enjoy watching the sun set as we eat lunch"

"With this coffee and many, many refills...I shall overcome Monday"

"Without Arabians, 9/11 wouldn't exist. It would be IX/XI instead"

"Without coffee, I wouldn't be the perky, foul-mouthed, delightful person that I am"

"Without coffee, there would be darkness and chaos"

"Without cops, politicians would just be guys with bad opinions"

"Without deviation from the norm, progress is not possible"

"Without Facebook I would forget 90% of my friend's birthdays"

"Without freedom of speech, we would never know who the idiots are"

"Without freedom of speech, we wouldn't know who the idiots are"

"Without love, the rich and poor live in the same house"

"Without you, my life is as empty as the supermarket shelf"

Witness (1998): Washington Post writer Shirley Povich

"Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone"

"Wizard of Moving" (Oz Moving & Storage)

"Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous..." (joke)

"Welcome to social media. A person who does not understand humor will contact you shortly"

We Need Your Cash (WNYC nickname)

Wok Chi (wok energy)

Wok Hei ("the breath of a wok")

"Woke (adj.): A state of awareness only achieved by those dumb enough to find injustice..."

Woke Capitalism

"Woke up early enough to get to the gym and have an amazing workout..."

"Woke up this morning with a dead leg. Haven’t got a clue who's it is"

Wolf of Wall Street

Woman's Vitamin or Women's Vitamin (Pyridoxine or Vitamin B6 nickname)

"Women are like bacon. They look good, smell good, taste good and slowly kill men"

"Women are like bacon: We look good, we smell good, we taste good, and we will slowly kill you"

"Women are like phones. They love to be held and talked to, but if you press the wrong button..."

"Women belong in the kitchen. Men belong in the kitchen. The kitchen has bacon"

"Women belong in the kitchen. Men belong in the kitchen. The kitchen has coffee"

"Women belong in the kitchen. Men belong in the kitchen. The kitchen has food"

"Women cook, men grill"

"Women go to the theatre and men are brought there" (theatre adage)

"Women shop, men buy"

"Women speak softly and carry a big statistic"

"Women today are like the weather in Texas. You will never understand them"

"Women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it"

"Women who strive to be equal to men lack ambition"

Womenomics (women + economics)

"Women's rights are human rights"

"Women’s sport is not a retirement plan for failed male athletes"

"Women's sport is now a retirement plan for failed male athletes"

"Women's sports are not a retirement plan for failed male athletes"

"Women’s sports should not be a retirement plan for failed male athletes"

"Won not done"

Wonder City of the World

Wonderfilled (filled cookies)

"Wondering if any country has strategic chocolate reserve"

Wonk ("fork" with one prong/tine)

Wonton Egg Drop Soup

"Wontons are just Chinese ravioli"

"Wood fired pizza? How will pizza get a job now?"

Woodsider (inhabitant of Woodside, Queens)

Woodstock of Gaming (QuakeCon in Dallas)

Wop Salad

"Worcestershire sauce is just American soy sauce"

"Worcestershire sauce is just British soy sauce"

"Worcestershire sauce is just the white man's soy sauce"

"Worcestershire sauce is just white people's soy sauce"

"Word on the street is, this is a bus only lane"

"Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me"

"Words cannot express how much I hate emojis"

"Words have wings, so speak good things"

"Words In Steps Do Open Minds" ("wisdom" backronym)

"Words mean things"

"Work eight hours, sleep eight hours--but not the same hours" (T. Boone Pickens?)

"Work ever kick your ass so bad that you drive the speed limit home with no music playing?"

"Work ever kick your ass so bad that you just drive home in silence?"

"Work for a cause, not for applause"

"Work hard. Be kind. Eat bacon"

"Work hard in silence; let success make the noise"

"Work hard, put the hours in, and the boss will have an even better car next year"

"Work is for people who don't know how to fish"

"Work is for those who don't know what fishing is!"

"Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow"

"Work is unnatural. Man's true purpose is to chill on his phone"

Work Island (Manhattan)

"Work not to look good, but to make others look bad" (workout adage)

"Work on the business, not in the business"

"Work one's tail off"

"Work out because you love your body, not because you hate it"

"Work. Save. Travel. Repeat"

"Work Tip: Stand up. Stretch. Take a walk. Go to the airport. Get on a plane. Never return"

"Work until you no longer have to introduce yourself"

"Work until you no longer need to introduce yourself"

"Work until your bank account looks like a phone number"

"Work until your idols become your rivals"

"Work while they sleep. Learn while they party. Save while they spend. Live like they dream"

"Work while they sleep. Learn while they party. Save while they spend. Live like they dream"

"Work while they sleep. Learn while they party. Save while they spend. Live like they dream"

"Work will win when wishing won't"

Workaholic

"Worked late, went to the gym, ran 10 miles on the treadmill and became a great liar"

"Working 9 to wine"

"Working 9 to wine"

Wrecking Families Party (Working Families Party nickname)

"Working from 9 to wine"

"Working from 9 to wine"

"Working from nine to wine"

"Working from nine to wine"

Working Girl

"Working hard or hardly working?"

"Working nine to wine"

"Working nine to wine"

"Working on making my second million dollars. Gave up on the first million"

"Working out is like a drug to me. I don’t do drugs"

"Working towards satisfaction will make you a legend"

"Working with academics is like herding cats" (education adage)

Workout Warrior

World Capital of Capital (World Capital of Capitalism)

"World Changers Shaped Here" (SMU slogan)

World Demonic Forum (World Economic Forum or WEF nickname)

World Elite Fascists (World Economic Forum of WEF nickname)

"World Ends: Women and Minorities Hardest Hit" (NY Times headline joke)

World Enslavement Fascists (World Economic Forum or WEF nickname)

World Enslavement Forum (World Economic Forum or WEF nickname)

World Epstein Forum (World Economic Forum or WEF nickname)

World Eugenics Forum (World Economic Forum or WEF nickname)

World Evil Force (World Economic Forum or WEF nickname)

World Evil Forum (World Economic Forum or WEF nickname)

World Harm Organization (World Health Organization or WHO nickname)

World Hell Organization (World Health Organization or WHO nickname)

World Hoax Organization (World Health Organization or WHO nickname)

World Holocaust Organization (World Health Organization or WHO nickname)

World Homicide Organization (World Health Organization or WHO nickname)

World Horror Organization (World Health Organization or WHO nickname)

"World peace begins with your turn signal"

"World peace begins in the kitchen"

"World peace starts with using your turn signal"

"World Peace Through Tex-Mex" (El Mercado slogan)

World Theft Organization (World Trade Organization or WTO nickname)

World Trade Center Cough

World Trade Center; Twin Towers

WorldNutDaily (WorldNetDaily or WND nickname)

World's Fair (1853, 1939-40, 1964-65)

World's Greatest Ballroom or World's Most Famous Ballroom (Roseland Ballroom)

World's Greatest Deliberative Body (U.S. Senate nickname)

"World's Greatest Hamburgers" (Fuddruckers slogan)

World's Greatest Stage (Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade)

World's Horrible Organization (World Health Organization or WHO nickname)

World's Largest Hotel Lobby (San Antonio River Walk nickname)

"World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party" (Georgia Bulldogs vs. Florida Gators)

"World's Largest Store" (Macy's)

World's Longest Parking Lot (Long Island Expressway)

World's Longest Stage (Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade)

World's Most Famous Arena (Madison Square Garden nickname)

World's Most Famous Christmas Tree

"World's Most Popular Hotel" (Hotel Pennsylvania)

World's Richest Acre (oil-rich acre in Kilgore)

World's Second Home

World's Toughest Boat Race (Texas Water Safari)

"Worms in apples has been less of a problem than what we expected as kids"

"Worries go down better with ice cream"

"Worries go down better with soup than without"

"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it falls due"

"Worry is like a rocking chair -- it doesn't get you anywhere"

"Worrying does not take away tomorrow's troubles. It takes away today's peace"

"Worrying is like praying for something that you don't want to happen"

"Worst Bar-B-Q in Texas" (Rudy's Country Store & Bar-B-Q slogan)

Worst Boston (First Boston nickname)

"Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from"

Worst Health Organization (World Health Organization or WHO nickname)

Worst Lady (worst + first lady)

Worst (W subway line)

WorstJet (WestJet nickname)

"Worth Every Penny" (Jack's 99-cent stores)

Wossamotta U or Whatsamatta U (fictional university)

"Would a nutcracker with no arms or legs be considered a crackhead?"

"Would a smoked cheese grow on a tree?"/"No, but an applewood."

"Would the fans along the outfield railing please remove their clothes?"

"Would the makers of a movie about a flat earth accept a Golden Globe award?"

"Would you buy a used car from this man?"

"Would you like a glass of water?"/"I'm thirsty, not dirty."

"Would you like some cheese with that whine?"

"Would you like to hear the world's best Aggie joke?" (Aggie joke)

"Would you like to hear today's special?" (restaurant joke)

"Would you like to see a model home?"/"Sure! When does she get off work?"

"Would you like to share a cab?" (joke)

"Would you send your son to a school run by someone who insisted on being called 'Headmaster?'"

"Wow.. bars, clubs, and gyms all closed? My life is about to seriously be exactly the same"

"Wow! BoJack and Todd in the Big Apple!" (BoJack Horseman episode, 2016)

"Wow! BoJack and Todd in the Big Apple!" (BoJack Horseman episode, 2016)

Wow Boys or Wowboys (Dallas Cowboys nickname)

Wow Factor

"'Wow, the Lean Cuisine really filled me up!' said no one ever"

Wrap (sandwich)

Wrappetizer (wrap + appetizer)

"Wrapping presents is folding laundry’s asshole cousin"

"Wrapping presents is the folding laundry of Christmas"

Wrap-up Smear

"Wreck 'em, Tech" (Texas Tech)

Wrecking Crew (Texas A&M football defense)

Wrecking Everyone's Future (World Economic Forum or WEF nickname)

Wreckovery (wreck + economic recovery)

"Wrestling is a sport where people without pants fight for a belt"

"Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. -- Anonymous"

"Write drunk, edit sober"

"Write two letters" (blaming predecessor joke)

"Writing a daily column is like being married to a nymphomaniac"

WROL (Without Rule Of Law)

Wrong Island Fail Road (Long Island Rail Road or LIRR nickname)

Wrong Island Failroad (Long Island Rail Road or LIRR nickname)

Wrong Island Rail Road (Long Island Rail Road or LIRR nickname)

Wrong Island Railroad (Long Island Rail Road or LIRR nickname)

Wronghorns (satire of UT "Longhorns" nickname)

Wrongnado (wrong + tornado)

"Wrote a play about weather, with 100 actors as clouds. It was overcast"

"Wrote a play about weather, with 100 actors as clouds. It was overcast"

"WTF do you unemployed people do all fucking day? I'm going insane" (quarantine)

WTF (Welcome To Florida)

WTF (Where's The Food)

"WTF Where's The Frybread"

"WTF -- Wine Tasting Friends"

Wuhan Health Organization (World Health Organization or WHO nickname)

Wunch of Bankers

"WWE is just redneck anime"

WWG1WGA (Where We Go One, We Go All)

Wyoming: Gaslight Village (nickname)

Wyoming Ketchup (liquor)