“I could burn water” (i.e., I can’t cook)
A bad cook burns the food, but an epically bad cook "can burn water." "Cpl. Agarn (on the television comedy F-Troop -- ed.), who can burn water, becomes the troop cook, with…
“I could use a foot massage, 3 donuts, and an orgasm”
"I could use a foot massage, 4 donuts, and an orgasm" is a jocular saying that has been printed on several images. “@NaughtyFacts: I could use a foot massage, 4 donuts, and an…
“I could use a foot massage, 4 donuts, and an orgasm”
"I could use a foot massage, 4 donuts, and an orgasm" is a jocular saying that has been printed on several images. “@NaughtyFacts: I could use a foot massage, 4 donuts, and an…
“I could use a foot massage, four donuts, and an orgasm”
"I could use a foot massage, 4 donuts, and an orgasm" is a jocular saying that has been printed on several images. “@NaughtyFacts: I could use a foot massage, 4 donuts, and an…
“I could use a foot massage, three donuts, and an orgasm”
"I could use a foot massage, 4 donuts, and an orgasm" is a jocular saying that has been printed on several images. “@NaughtyFacts: I could use a foot massage, 4 donuts, and an…
“I couldn’t believe it till I saw it with mayonnaise.—Hellmann’s”
"Mayonnaise" can sound a bit like "my own eyes." "'I saw it with mayonnaise' '..What?' 'With my own eyes' #fakeaccentproblems" was posted…
“I couldn’t decide whether or not to make spiced apple cider, so I mulled it over”
A pun on the word "mull" was posted on Twitter on August 23, 2009: "I couldn't decide whether or not to make spiced apple cider, so I mulled it over." Wiktionary: mull…
“I couldn’t find the mayonnaise until I looked between the Aprilonnaise and Juneonnaise”
Mayonnaise has nothing to do with the month of May, but there are jokes. "MAYonnaise, more like JUNEonnaise" was posted on Twitter by Aron on June 7, 2012. "If you eat mayonnaise in…
“I cried when my dad chopped Onions. Onions was a good dog”
Many people cry when they chop up onions, and this is the subject of a popular dark joke. "When I cut up onions, it always makes me cry. He was a good dog and will be missed" was posted…
“I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward”
People often cry when they cut up onions, but not when they cut up carrots or other vegetables. "I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don't think they're ugly or…
“I cut myself shredding cheese. Then I remembered… With grate power comes grate responsibility”
"With great power comes great responsibility" is a popular line from Spider-Man in Marvel Comics. "With grate power comes grate responsibility" is a cheese grater pun.…
“I did not hear the question, but the answer is definitely coffee”
"I did not hear the question, but the answer is definitely coffee" is a coffee saying that has been printed on several images. "I didn't really hear the question but I know the…
“I did not see that cumin”
"I did not see that cumin" -- like the saying "I did not see that coming" -- is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "As a result of the oregano post, we…
“I didn’t believe there was a sauce made from oil and egg yolks, but then I saw it with mayonnaise!”
"Mayonnaise" can sound a bit like "my own eyes." "'I saw it with mayonnaise' '..What?' 'With my own eyes' #fakeaccentproblems" was posted…
“I didn’t choose the mug life. The mug life chose me”
"I didn't choose the mug life. The mug life chose me" is a jocular coffee saying that has been printed on many images. The pun is on the term "thug life." "I…
“I didn’t know how much cookies shaped like integers cost, but I crunched the numbers”
The saying "crunch the numbers" takes on a different meaning when cookies are shaped like numbers. "My favorite activity is making number shaped cookies and crackers because i really…
“I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink”
New York City-born comedian Joe E. Lewis (1902-1971) was quoted in 1965 for the line, "I distrust camels or anybody else who don't take a drink once in a while." The camel drinking…
“I do dumb shit like turn down food when I’m mad”
"I do dumb shit like turn down food when I'm mad" is a food saying that has been printed on several images. "i do dumb shit like turn down food when i’m mad 😭" was…
“I do my best thinking when I’m drinking”
" I do my best thinking when I'm drinking" is a T-shirt slogan. The saying has been cited in print since at least 2006. Zazzle.comI Do My Best Thinking When I'm Drinking Shirt…
“I do my intermittent fasting between bites”
Many people do "intermittent fasting," where they don't eat for a certain period of time. There are "intermittent fasting" jokes about very short time periods. "I do…