“I stole yeast from the local bakery. They can’t prove a thing”
"Proofing" is a step in the preparation of yeast bread. There are several puns about this process. "I stole yeast from the local bakery. They can't prove a thing" was…
“I stop the microwave with 1 second to go so I can feel like a bomb disposal expert”
Many people stop the microwave with one second left and take their food out; this makes them feel like a bomb defusal/disposal expert. "I like to stop the microwave when it gets to one second.…
“I support renewable energy. It’s called coffee”
"I support renewable energy. It's called coffee" is a coffee saying that has been printed on several images. "Yes, I support renewable energy. It’s called coffee" was…
“I sure do eat a lot of food for someone that expects to fit into clothes”
"I sure do eat a lot of food for someone that/who expects to fit into clothes" is a food saying that has been printed on several images. "I sure do eat a lot of food for someone that…
“I sure do eat a lot of food for someone who expects to fit into clothes”
"I sure do eat a lot of food for someone that/who expects to fit into clothes" is a food saying that has been printed on several images. "I sure do eat a lot of food for someone that…
“I swallowed a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had”
"Thesaurus" sometimes sounds like "the sorest." "My mom just said when she had strep she had thesaurus throat shes ever had" was posted on Twitter by Jake DeLoera on…
“I swear to drunk I’m not God” (joke)
“Ossifer, I swear to drunk I’m not God” is how a drunk might say, "Officer, I swear to God I'm not drunk." The jocular speech pattern has been cited in print since at least…
“I switched to a wine that doesn’t make me urinate. Pinot Moor”
Pinot Noir is a a red-wine grape variety. There is no "Pinot Moir"/"Pinot Moor"/"Pinot More" (pee no more), but there are jokes. "A California vintner in the Napa…
“I take my coffee with two scoops of it’s too early for this shit and a splash of zip it until noon”
"I take my coffee with two scoops of it's too early for this shit and a splash of zip it until noon" is a coffee saying that has been printed on many images. "I take my coffee…
“I think Christmas is a wonderful time for drinking”
Two related drinking sayings have been printed on many images: "I think Christmas is a wonderful time for drinking. And also after and before Christmas plus all the other days.""I…
“I think every morning that I’m going to make pancakes, but I keep waffling”
"I want to make pancakes, but I keep waffling" -- "waffling" is a joke on "waffles" -- is a jocular saying that has been printed on a sign. "This morning the…
“I think getting older is when you’d rather day drink than go out all night”
"I think getting older is when you'd rather day drink than go out all night" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "I think getting older is when you'd rather…
“I think I’ve been eating too much salmon recently. I keep running up down escalators”
If you eat too much salmon, you don't necessarily turn into a salmon and start spawning. This joke was posted on Twitter by Sickipedia Official on December 28, 2013: "I think I've…
“I think it’s neat to order whisky, no ice”
A "neat" alcoholic drink is one that is poured straight in the glass -- without ice or anything else. "Know what's neat? no ice" was posted on Twitter on June 12, 2009.…
“I think it’s great that people are finally going to drink water, wipe their ass, and wash hands”
The 2019–20 coronavirus outbreak led to panic buying of water and toilet paper, and to constant messages about washing hands. "I think it’s great that people are finally going to drink…
“I think my ‘check liver’ light is going to come on soon”
Cars have a "check engine" light. People do not have a "check liver" light to see if it can handle more alcohol, but there are jokes. "Check liver light" has been…
“I think my patience is at the bottom of this coffee cup. Hang on while I find it”
"I think my patience is at the bottom of this coffee cup. Hang on while I find it" is a jocular coffee saying that has been printed on many images. The saying was posted on Twitter on…
“I think my soulmate might be carbs”
"I think my soulmate might be carbs" is a jocular one-line saying that has been printed on many images. The saying was posted on Twitter by Katie Kaleidoscope on December 5, 2013,…
“I think someone’s been watering down my whiskey, but I don’t have the proof”
A joke about alcohol proof was posted on Reddit -- Oneliners on February 24, 2021: "I think someone's been Watering down my Whiskey but I don't have the Proof." Wikipedia:…
“I think you’re suffering from a lack of vitamin me”
"I think you're suffering from a lack of vitamin me" -- a pun on vitamin C -- has been printed on many images. The pickup line was posted on the newsgroup XciteFun on November 6,…