“I thought I’d take a stab at an Ides of March joke”
March 15th (the middle of the month) is called the Ides of March. Roman general and statesman Julius Caesar was assassinated on March 15, 44 B.C. "If I read one more corny ides of March joke,…
Alphebetical for "i"
“I thought it was 1.31 miles” (half marathon joke)
A half marathon is 13.1 miles. "I thought they said 1.31 miles" (or "I thought it was 1.31 miles") is a joke that has been printed on many images. "13.1?!??! I thought you…
“I thought that I was a good person, but the way I react when people drive slowly in the left lane would suggest otherwise”
Many people get angry at slow drivers in the left (speed) lane. This was posted on X/Twitter by Abby Heugel on March 18, 2016: "I thought that I was a good person, but the way I react when…
“I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator”
"I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator" -- that is, the person ate too much and can't fit into the same clothes -- is a jocular saying that…
“I thought they said 1.31 miles” (half marathon joke)
A half marathon is 13.1 miles. "I thought they said 1.31 miles" (or "I thought it was 1.31 miles") is a joke that has been printed on many images. "13.1?!??! I thought you…
“I thought training as an airport baggage handler would be easy, but actually there’s a lot to take on board”
The expression "a lot to take on board" means that there's a lot to consider (or learn or do), but a joke takes this expression literally. "Started a new job as a airport…
“I thought turkey bacon was when you ate three pieces of bacon in a row. Sort of like bowling”
A "turkey" in bowling is three strikes in a row. "I thought turkey bacon was when you ate three pieces of bacon in a row. Sort of like bowling" was posted on X/Twitter by Kyle…
“I threw a ball for my dog. Extravagant, I know, but it was his 21st birthday”
People often throw a ball to a dog. It's usually not a dress ball that's thrown, but there are jokes. "I threw a ball for my dog. Extravagant, I know, but it was his 21st…
“I threw a boomerang at a ghost the other day. I knew it would come back to haunt me”
A boomerang pun was posted on Twitter on October 31, 2009: "I threw a boomerang at a ghost the other day. I knew it would come back to haunt me." The ghost joke has been popular around…
“I threw my dog a ball. Extravagant I know, but she looks gorgeous in an evening gown”
People often throw a ball to a dog. It's usually not a dress ball that's thrown, but there are jokes. "I threw a ball for my dog. Extravagant, I know, but it was his 21st…
“I threw old kale in my backyard and now the squirrels are riding little Pelotons and requesting coconut water”
Kale has a reputation as a New Age food. This was posted on X/Twitter by Abby Heugel on April 3, 2023: "I threw old kale in my backyard and now the squirrels are riding little Pelotons and…
“I threw out animal crackers because the box said, ‘Do not consume if seal is broken’”
A box of animal crackers often has a "seal" cracker. A joke was posted on the newsgroup comp.databases.informix on August 17, 1993: "'I bought a box of animal crackers. It said,…
“I tied all of my spaghetti together whilst I was drunk last night and ended up skipping dinner”
If you tie up spaghetti, does it become a jump rope? "I got bored last night, so I tied all of my spaghetti together. I ended up skipping dinner" is a joke that was posted on Twitter by…
“I told a joke on a Zoom call today and no one laughed. I guess I’m not remotely funny”
Zoom video communications became popular in 2020 during the coronavirus pandemic. Some people told jokes on Zoom calls. "I told a joke on a Zoom call today and no one laughed. I guess I'm…
“I told my boss I needed a pay raise. I said that three other companies are after me” (joke)
There's an old joke about an employee asking for a raise: EMPLOYEE: I need a pay raise, sir. Three companies are after me!BOSS: What companies?EMPLOYEE: The gas company, the water company and…
“I told my builder I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair”
"Stair" shouldn't be confused with "stare," but there are jokes. "And the time I confused a builder by wanting an unpainted set of steps. He just gave me a blank…
“I told my carpenter I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair”
"Stair" shouldn't be confused with "stare," but there are jokes. "And the time I confused a builder by wanting an unpainted set of steps. He just gave me a blank…
“I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair”
"Stair" shouldn't be confused with "stare," but there are jokes. "And the time I confused a builder by wanting an unpainted set of steps. He just gave me a blank…
“I told my cycologist about you”
"Cycologist" sounds like "psychologist," but means a "cycling" or "spinning" teacher/instructor. "Cycle clinics with 'cycologist' Mal…
“I told my dyslexic mate to turn his clock back…” (joke)
The Daylight Saving Time practice of "spring forward, fall back" has everyone setting a clock back one hour in the fall. A dyslexic "turn your clock back" joke was posted on…