“I thought they said 1.31 miles” (half marathon joke)
A half marathon is 13.1 miles. "I thought they said 1.31 miles" (or "I thought it was 1.31 miles") is a joke that has been printed on many images. "13.1?!??! I thought you…
Alphebetical for "i"
“I thought training as an airport baggage handler would be easy, but actually there’s a lot to take on board”
The expression "a lot to take on board" means that there's a lot to consider (or learn or do), but a joke takes this expression literally. "Started a new job as a airport…
“I thought turkey bacon was when you ate three pieces of bacon in a row. Sort of like bowling”
A "turkey" in bowling is three strikes in a row. "I thought turkey bacon was when you ate three pieces of bacon in a row. Sort of like bowling" was posted on X/Twitter by Kyle…
“I threw a ball for my dog. Extravagant, I know, but it was his 21st birthday”
People often throw a ball to a dog. It's usually not a dress ball that's thrown, but there are jokes. "I threw a ball for my dog. Extravagant, I know, but it was his 21st…
“I threw a boomerang at a ghost the other day. I knew it would come back to haunt me”
A boomerang pun was posted on Twitter on October 31, 2009: "I threw a boomerang at a ghost the other day. I knew it would come back to haunt me." The ghost joke has been popular around…
“I threw my dog a ball. Extravagant I know, but she looks gorgeous in an evening gown”
People often throw a ball to a dog. It's usually not a dress ball that's thrown, but there are jokes. "I threw a ball for my dog. Extravagant, I know, but it was his 21st…
“I threw old kale in my backyard and now the squirrels are riding little Pelotons and requesting coconut water”
Kale has a reputation as a New Age food. This was posted on X/Twitter by Abby Heugel on April 3, 2023: "I threw old kale in my backyard and now the squirrels are riding little Pelotons and…
“I threw out animal crackers because the box said, ‘Do not consume if seal is broken’”
A box of animal crackers often has a "seal" cracker. A joke was posted on the newsgroup comp.databases.informix on August 17, 1993: "'I bought a box of animal crackers. It said,…
“I tied all of my spaghetti together whilst I was drunk last night and ended up skipping dinner”
If you tie up spaghetti, does it become a jump rope? "I got bored last night, so I tied all of my spaghetti together. I ended up skipping dinner" is a joke that was posted on Twitter by…
“I told a joke on a Zoom call today and no one laughed. I guess I’m not remotely funny”
Zoom video communications became popular in 2020 during the coronavirus pandemic. Some people told jokes on Zoom calls. "I told a joke on a Zoom call today and no one laughed. I guess I'm…
“I told my boss I needed a pay raise. I said that three other companies are after me” (joke)
There's an old joke about an employee asking for a raise: EMPLOYEE: I need a pay raise, sir. Three companies are after me!BOSS: What companies?EMPLOYEE: The gas company, the water company and…
“I told my builder I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair”
"Stair" shouldn't be confused with "stare," but there are jokes. "And the time I confused a builder by wanting an unpainted set of steps. He just gave me a blank…
“I told my carpenter I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair”
"Stair" shouldn't be confused with "stare," but there are jokes. "And the time I confused a builder by wanting an unpainted set of steps. He just gave me a blank…
“I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair”
"Stair" shouldn't be confused with "stare," but there are jokes. "And the time I confused a builder by wanting an unpainted set of steps. He just gave me a blank…
“I told my cycologist about you”
"Cycologist" sounds like "psychologist," but means a "cycling" or "spinning" teacher/instructor. "Cycle clinics with 'cycologist' Mal…
“I told my dyslexic mate to turn his clock back…” (joke)
The Daylight Saving Time practice of "spring forward, fall back" has everyone setting a clock back one hour in the fall. A dyslexic "turn your clock back" joke was posted on…
“I told my hot coworker how I felt and she felt the same way. So I turned on the air conditioning”
A "hot co-worker" is sometimes just hot. "Told hot coworker how I felt and she felt the same way. I opened the window" was posted on Twitter by Alexander Gibbons on April 4,…
“I told my mother-in-law to make herself at home, so she sold the place”
A typical "mother-in-law joke" involves her coming to the son-in-law's house. "Pat told his mother-in-law to make herself at home. She did. She sold it" was printed in the…
“I told my suitcases there will be no vacation this year. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage”
The 2019–20 coronavirus pandemic cancelled many vacations. "I told my suitcases that there will be no vacation this year. Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage" was posted on…
“I told my wife a husband is like fine wine; he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar”
American stand-up comedian Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004) told a now classic joke about husbands and wives. "I told my wife a man is like good wine; he gets better with age. So she locked me…