“A kid threw a lump of cheddar at me. I thought, ‘That’s not very mature’”
A popular cheese joke involves the word "mature." "Was walking down the street the other day and someone threw grated cheese at me... I thought 'Hmmmm..... very…
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“I met my wife on the net. We were bad trapeze artists”
The internet is often called simply "the net." A joke by Milton Jones was posted on Twitter on August 14, 2012: "My parents met on the net. They were both rubbish trapeze…
“Better days are coming. They are called Saturday and Sunday”
"Better days are coming. They are called Saturday and Sunday" is a jocular work saying that has been printed on many images. "Cheer up. Better days are coming. They're called…
“Why was Santa Claus sick?”/“He came down with the flue.”
A Christmas pun has Santa Claus coming down with the flu(e). A riddle was posted on a 1996 book: Q: What sickness did Santa get going down the chimney? A: The flu (flue). "Santa came down with…
“What street in France do reindeer live on?”/“Rue Dolph.”
"Rue" is the French word for "street." A riddle about Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was posted on Reddit -- Jokes on December 20, 2015: Q: Which street in France do reindeer…
“Do you have reservations?”/“Yes, but I’ll stay here anyway.”
Some people have reservations for a restaurant, while others have reservations about a restaurant. A popular joke has been cited in print since at least 1975: RESTAURANT HOST OR HOSTESS: Do you…
“What do you call a tea which stays with you for a long time?”/“Loyalty.”
"Loyalty" (or "loyaltea" or "loyal tea") is a word used in tea puns. "He asked what kind of tea I like, I replied loyalty..." was posted on Twitter on April…
“What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?”/“Sanka.”
The RMS Titanic sank on April 15, 2012, on its maiden voyage from Southampton to New York City. A Titanic joke is: Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?A: Sanka. The joke has been cited…
“Sometimes I watch football holding a PlayStation controller just to screw with girlfriend’s head”
"Sometimes I watch football holding an xbox controller just to screw with my mums head" was posted on Twitter by sickipediabot on July 2, 2011. The joke is that the speaker pretends…
“This Fibonacci joke is as bad as the last two you heard combined”
There have been several math jokes on Fibonacci numbers. "Fibonacci joke: 'I feel like this year’s Fibonacci conference will be as big as the last two combined!'" was posted…
“Sometimes I watch football holding a PlayStation controller just to screw with girlfriend’s head”
"Sometimes I watch football holding an xbox controller just to screw with my mums head" was posted on Twitter by sickipediabot on July 2, 2011. The joke is that the speaker pretends…
“Waiter, this soup tastes funny!”/“Then why aren’t you laughing?”
A classic restaurant joke is: CUSTOMER: Waiter, this soup tastes funny. WAITER: Then why aren't you laughing? The joke was cited in 1931, when it involved the stew served in military barracks.…
“One-One was a racehorse…” (tongue twister)
A popular tongue twister is: "One One was a racehorse.Two Two was one, too.One One won one race, andTwo Two won one, too." The tongue twister was printed in Newsday (Long Island, NY) on…
“I was driving to work and saw a woman driving with her hazard lights on. At least she’s honest”
Many jokes have been told about female drivers. One joke was posted on Twitter on March 5, 2010: "I was driving to work today and saw a woman driving down the road with her hazard lights on.…
“What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party?”/“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”
"Freeze a jolly good fellow" is a mondegreen for "For he's a jolly good fellow." "THE REFRAIN OF THE ARCTIC CIRCLE -- 'Freeze a jolly good fellow'' was…
“These Korean meatballs really are the dogs bollocks”
"Korean meatballs -- they really are the dogs bollocks" is a jocular one-liner that has been printed on many images. English comedian Hugh Dennis said on the British topical, satirical…
“Isn’t it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?” (joke)
A popular joke hits at the poor employment prospects of liberal arts majors. "Hate how engineering students call themselves engineers. Not like pre-meds call themselves doctors or art majors…
“This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine”
"This may be the wine talking, but I love wine" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "This may be the wine talking, but I love wine. (And Luke Bryan)" was posted on…
“Auctions are the one place you can get something for nodding”
"Auction -- where you get something for nodding" -- a pun on "nothing" -- was published in a newspaper in January 1956. "Daffynishion: Auction — Where you get something…
“What does an auctioneer need to know?”/“Lots.”
An auctioneer riddle has been cited in print since at least 2006: Q: What do you have to know to be an auctioneer? A: Lots. “What do you have to know to be a real estate salesman?"/”…