“I’m still working in the antique shop. Nothing new there”
An antique shop sells old things, and "antique shop" has become equivalent to "nothing new." "Having seen your offense once is like unto having viewed an 'antique…
“I’m such an expert on palmistry, I’ve written a handbook”
"Handbooks" are usually not about hands, but sometimes they are. "I'm quite the expert on palmistry, I've written a handbook" was posted on Twitter by sikjokes2011 on…
“I’m the sole provider for my family. They can buy the rest of the shoes themselves…”
"Sole provider" means the only provider. It usually doesn't mean the provider of shoe soles, but there are jokes. "I'm the sole provider for my family. They can buy the…
“I’m thinking about pursuing a job as a crowd estimator. I wonder how many are in that field”
A joke about the job of estimating crowds is: "I am thinking about pursuing a job as a crowd estimator. I wonder how many people are in that field." The joke was posted on Reddit -- Jokes…
“I’m tired of seeing ya’ll enjoying summer. Get a job and be miserable like the rest of us”
"I'm tired of seeing ya'll enjoying summer. Get a job and be miserable like the rest of us" is a jocular summer saying that has been printed on many images. "Hope every had…
“I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener”
"The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence" is an old proverb meaning that everyone's situation in life is seemingly (if not actually) more desirable than one's…
“I’m working on my résumé. Should I use ‘mad skillz’ or would ‘mad skills’ be more formal?”
"Mad skillz" is slang for "very skilled." A joke was posted on Twitter by "Polythene Spam" on April 1, 2010: "I'm working on a cover letter. Should I use the…
“I’ve always wondered why there is a day dedicated to fools. I see fools every day and frankly, I’m sick of it”
"I've always wondered why there is a day dedicated to fools. I see fools every day and frankly, I'm sick of it" is a saying that has been printed on ecards. "RT @MissHMQ:…
“I’ve been on hold so long that I can’t remember who I’ve called”
Many people have been on hold for a long time on their phone calls. "I've been on hold so long that I can't remember who I've called..." was posted on Twitter by…
“I’ve been out of work for a while but have just got a job at a factory making periscopes. Things are looking up”
"Things are looking up" means that conditions are getting better. This usually doesn't involve actually looking up, but there are jokes. "I have had some good news today.I have…
“I’ve come to the conclusion that the sole purpose of homework is to condition children into accepting that unpaid overtime…”
What is the purpose of homework? This was posted on X/Twitter by Erin Ekins on July 19, 2020, and it received over 153,000 likes: "I've come to the conclusion that the sole purpose of…
“I’ve decided to marry a pencil. I can’t wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B”
"I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B" is a joke that was posted on Twitter by WriterOfWrongs on September 23, 2010, and on…
“I’ve done some terrible things for money, like getting up early and going to work”
"I've done some terrible things for money, like getting up early and going to work" (or "I have done terrible things for money, like getting up early to go to work") is a…
“I’ve found the key to happiness. Stay away from assholes”
"I've found the key to happiness. Stay away from assholes" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "I have found the key to happiness... Stay away from…
“I’ve given up my job in the circus because it was too difficult to juggle work and family”
A joke about working in the circus was posted on Twitter by Jem Brookes on February 11, 2012: "I've given up my job in the circus because it was too difficult to juggle work and…
“I’ve got it all together. I just forgot where I put it”
"I've got it all together. I just forgot where I put it" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "I Finally Got It All Together, But I Forgot Where I Put…
“I’ve got mood poisoning. It must be something that I hate”
"I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate" (or "I got mood poisoning at work. It must be something I hate") -- a pun on "food poisoning" and…
“I’ve got to stay home. I have a case of anal blindness…” (work joke)
A joke has an employee calling a boss and explaining that he/she is not feeling well and suffers from "anal blindness." What is anal blindness? "I can't see my ass/arse coming…
“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again”
"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again" is a joke that has been printed on many images. ""I've just been on a…
“I’ve just been on Trip Advisor. There’s no information about a twisted ankle and a skinned knee”
Trip Advisor is a website that offers online hotel reservations and transportation bookings. Trip Advisor does not advise about trips and falls, but there are jokes. "I've just been on…