“I couldn’t believe it till I saw it with mayonnaise.—Hellmann’s”
"Mayonnaise" can sound a bit like "my own eyes." "'I saw it with mayonnaise' '..What?' 'With my own eyes' #fakeaccentproblems" was posted…
“I couldn’t believe it today when I came home and my wife said that my 5-year-old son wasn’t mine…”
Fathers can be pretty bad at picking up a child at school, and there's a joke about this. "When I came home I was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't mine. She was right I…
“I couldn’t decide whether or not to make spiced apple cider, so I mulled it over”
A pun on the word "mull" was posted on Twitter on August 23, 2009: "I couldn't decide whether or not to make spiced apple cider, so I mulled it over." Wiktionary: mull…
“I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt, but then it clicked”
A popular pun about the seatbelt is: "I couldn't figure out how to fasten my seatbelt, but then it clicked." "I couldn't work out how to fasten my seatbelt: then it…
“I couldn’t find a parking spot at work today, so I went home. Looks like they had enough people”
"I drove into work today but I couldn't find a parking spot, so I turned around and went home" was posted on Twitter by kingsolomon2010 on November 18, 2010. "Couldn't find…
“I couldn’t find the mayonnaise until I looked between the Aprilonnaise and Juneonnaise”
Mayonnaise has nothing to do with the month of May, but there are jokes. "MAYonnaise, more like JUNEonnaise" was posted on Twitter by Aron on June 7, 2012. "If you eat mayonnaise in…
“I couldn’t get my fridge to work this morning, so I took the bus instead”
"I couldn't get my fridge to work this morning, so I took the bus instead" is a joke that was posted on X/Twitter by Puns AndOneliners on August 2, 2019. The joke is that the fridge…
“I couldn’t have done it without the players” (Yankees manager Casey Stengel)
New York Yankees manager Casey Stengel (1890-1975) was known for his colorful quotations given to the baseball press. After the Yankees clinched the 1958 American League pennant, Stengel remarked:…
“I couldn’t pay my doctor, so he gave me another six months to live”
American comedican Henny Youngman (1906-1998) frequently told of a doctor who gave a man only six months to live. The man couldn't pay his medical bills, so the doctor gave him another six…
“I couldn’t wait to go to university. But when I got there, it was just people from Earth”
A university does not have people from all over the universe, but there are jokes. "I couldn't wait to leave school and go to university. But when I got there, it was just people from…
“I couldn’t work for that man after what he said to me” (joke)
An employment joke was printed in the Wilmington (DE) Morning News on December 26, 1933: "If the boss doesn't take back what he said to me, I shall leave.""What did he…
“I couldn’t get my phone to work in my hotel room, so I went downstairs. They have reception there”
Hotel "reception" doesn't mean phone reception, but there is a joke. "Couldn’t get my phone to work in my hotel room, so went downstairs. They have reception there" was…
“I crashed my bike in 1983 and scraped my knee. We didn’t have internet then, so I’m telling you now”
"In the 1980s I fell off my bike and hurt my knee. I'm telling you this now because we didn't have social media back then" ia an internet saying that has been printed on many…
“I cried because I had no shoes until I saw a man who had no feet” (aphorism)
"I cried because I had no shoes until I saw a man who had no feet" means that, while one can despair about one's wealth or situation, there is always someone poorer or less…
“I cried when my dad chopped Onions. Onions was a good dog”
Many people cry when they chop up onions, and this is the subject of a popular dark joke. "When I cut up onions, it always makes me cry. He was a good dog and will be missed" was posted…
“I crossed the road, walked into a bar, and changed a lightbulb…” (joke)
"I crossed the road, walked into a bar, and changed a light bulb. Then I realized that my life was a joke" is a joke that combine three popular memes. "Has changed a lightbulb,…
“I crossed the road, walked into a bar, and changed a lightbulb…” (joke)
"I crossed the road, walked into a bar, and changed a light bulb. Then I realized that my life was a joke" is a joke that combine three popular memes. "Has changed a lightbulb,…
“I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward”
People often cry when they cut up onions, but not when they cut up carrots or other vegetables. "I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don't think they're ugly or…
“I cut myself shredding cheese. Then I remembered… With grate power comes grate responsibility”
"With great power comes great responsibility" is a popular line from Spider-Man in Marvel Comics. "With grate power comes grate responsibility" is a cheese grater pun.…
“I dance like people wish they weren’t watching”
The song “Come from the Heart” (1987) by Susanna Clark and Richard Leigh contains the lyrics: “Sing like no one is listening. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s…