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December 30, 2017
Exercise/Running/Health Clubs

“I can’t stand bodybuilders who smoke weed. They always act so high and mighty”

The term "high and mighty" doesn't necessarily refer to a bodybuilder on weed, but there are jokes. "Most of my peeps smoke weed after they hit the gym, thinking they all high…

November 3, 2024
Banking/Finance/Insurance

“I cannot be friends with money anymore. We both leaving the house same time but is only me coming back home”

"I cannot be friends with money anymore. We both leaving the house same time but is only me coming back home" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "I cannot be…

February 25, 2023
Time/Weather

“I cannot tell time because clocks have no ears”

When you "tell time" you're not speaking to time, but there are jokes. "How do I tell time when clocks have no ears?" was posted on Reddit -- Shittyaskscience on March 7,…

July 4, 2016
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy”

"I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy" is a pro-gun slogan that has been printed on many gift items, such as bumper stickers, T-shirts and posters. The saying has been cited in print…

September 6, 2020
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy”

"I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy" is a gun rights saying that has been printed on many images. The saying was printed in The Spokesman-Review (Spokane, WA) on August 9, 2007 and…

January 5, 2021
Time/Weather

“I celebrate 4/20 on 1/5 because I know how to reduce fractions”

"I celebrate 4/20 on 1/5 because I know how to reduce fractions" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. April 20th (4/20) is "420 Day," a celebration of…

May 4, 2018
Food/Drink

“I celebrate Cinco de Mayo so I get can drunk enough to forget yesterday’s ‘May the 4th’ jokes”

"I only celebrate Cinco de Mayo so I get can drunk enough to forget yesterday's non-stop 'May the Fourth' jokes" is a jocular saying that has been printed on an ecard.…

November 17, 2016
Holidays/Events/Parades

“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way” (joke)

American comedian Jon Stewart said on The Jon Stewart Show: "I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and…

June 10, 2017
Media/Newspapers/Magazines/Internet

“I changed my password to ‘incorrect.’ When I forget, it will tell me, ‘Your password is incorrect’”

"I changed my password to 'incorrect.' So that whenever I forget, it will tell me, 'Your password is incorrect'" is a jocular computer saying that has been printed on…

December 24, 2017
Media/Newspapers/Magazines/Internet

“I changed the name of my hard drive to ‘that thang’” (joke)

A computer joke was posted on Twitter on October 13, 2010: "I changed the name of my hard drive to 'that thang', so once a month, my computer asks me if i wanna back that that thang…

October 3, 2015
Buildings/Housing/Parks

“I childproofed the house, but they still get in”

To "waterproof" a house is to make sure that no water gets inside. To "childproof" a house, however, means that the house is a safe environment for children. A popular joke is:…

April 9, 2025
Sports/Games

“I chipped a tooth earlier. No idea how it got on to the golf course”

A "chip" golf stroke is not the same as a "chipped" tooth, but there are jokes. "I chipped a tooth earlier. I don't whose it was or why it was on the golf course"…

August 13, 2018
Food/Drink

“I choked on a carrot, and all I could think was ‘I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this’”

“I choked on a carrot this afternoon, and all I could think was 'I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me'" is a jocular food saying that has been printed on many images.…

June 20, 2018
Food/Drink

“I choked on a carrot. All I could think was ‘I bet a cupcake wouldn’t have done this’”

“I choked on a carrot this afternoon, and all I could think was 'I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me'" is a jocular food saying that has been printed on many images.…

February 5, 2017
Buildings/Housing/Parks

“I cleaned the attic with my wife. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair”

There are two jokes about "cleaning the attic with my/the wife." The first version was posted to the newsgroup alt.quotations on November 26, 1993 and has been credited to British…

July 4, 2021
Time/Weather

“I come at the beginning of end and at the end of time. What am I?” (riddle)

The letter "e" has several riddles. This was printed in The Lady's Magazine in December 1787: "THE beginning of eternity,The end of time and space,The beginning of every end,And…

May 11, 2019
Music/Dance/Theatre/Film/Circus

“I come from a family of failed magicians. I’ve got two half-sisters”

Many magicians have performed the "sawing a woman in half" trick. A joke was posted on Twitter by Fresh Stand Up on May 23, 2014: "I belong to a family of failed…

October 21, 2014
Food/Drink

“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage”

"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage" was said by American humorist Erma Bombeck (1927-1996) about the cooking of her mother, Erma Haines Harris. "I come from a…

January 28, 2016
Music/Dance/Theatre/Film/Circus

“I come from a long line of conga dancers”

A dancer doing some genealogy might pun: "I come from a long line of conga dancers." The joke was cited on Sickipedia in 2010 and was first cited on Twitter on March 28, 2010. Wikipedia:…

April 26, 2023
Transportation

“I come from a town where a traffic jam is 4 cars behind a tractor”

"I come from a town where a traffic jam is 4 (or 3, or 5, or 6 -- ed.) cars behind a tractor" is a jocular saying about a small town that has been printed on many images. "I come…

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BARRY POPIK is a contributor to the Oxford English Dictionary, Dictionary of American Regional English, Historical Dictionary of American Slang, Yale Book of Quotations and Dictionary of Modern Proverbs. Since 1990 he has also been a regular contributor to Gerald Cohen's Comments on Etymology.

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