“I’ve lost loads of weight, just by wearing bread around my head. It’s a loaf hat diet”
Instead of a "low fat diet," what about a "loaf hat diet"? "I'm on a loaf hat diet" was posted on the newsgroup alt.english.usage on October 23, 1999. "For…
“I’ve never been able to count to ten in French because of my huit allergy”
"Huit" is French for the number eight. "Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept.. achoo! Sorry, I have a huit allergy" was posted on Twitter by Joelle McNichol on February 10,…
“I’ve never been camping, but once my phone died and I looked up and saw a tree”
Many people are too busy looking on their phones to do anything else. "I've never been camping, but once my phone died and I looked up and saw a tree" is a jocular saying that has…
“I’ve never been in love, but I imagine it’s like when the waiter brings your food”
"I've never been in love, but I imagine it's similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food" is a jocular saying that's popular on Twitter.…
“I’ve never been on a cooking show, but I did point out to my family how the cut up hot dogs I added to the macaroni and cheese…”
A cooking joke has it that the speaker has never been on a cooking show, but the speaker can cook something simple (like maybe boil water) and put a kitchen towel over the shoulder. Impressive,…
“I’ve never been on a cooking show, but I did put a kitchen towel over my shoulder once when I made a grilled cheese”
A cooking joke has it that the speaker has never been on a cooking show, but the speaker can cook something simple (like maybe boil water) and put a kitchen towel over the shoulder. Impressive,…
“I’ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me”
A vehicle's windshield wipers usually have a slow and a fast setting, but these are too slow or too fast for many people. "Would be nice to have a windshield wiper setting somewhere…
“I’ve never seen a cave drawing of a salad. We eat meat!”
Cave paintings often show hunting scenes. "We have never found a cave drawing/painting of a salad" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. " No one has ever found a…
“I’ve never seen a tombstone that said, ‘Died from not forwarding a chain email’”
"Died From Not Forwarding That Email to 10 People" is a jocular saying about chain emails that has been printed on many fake tombstones. "I've never seen a tombstone that read:…
“I’ve never taken an elevator to the basement floor. That’s just beneath me”
"I've never taken an elevator to the basement floor. That's just beneath me" is a pun that was posted on the website Pun of the Day on November 22, 2012. A BuzzFeed article in…
“I’ve never understood the point in fire blankets” (joke)
Fire blankets, like fire extinguishers, are used in many buildings. The blankets are used to retard fire -- not to keep people warm. A joke from someone who doesn't understand about fire…
“I’ve noticed a lot of you are not posting selfies anymore since the beauty salons have closed”
The 2019–20 coronavirus pandemic resulted in a lot of salons closing. "Have you Noticed that since all the Beauty Salons have closed Nobodies taking Selfies" was posted on Facebook by…
“I’ve noticed that people who wear jogging bottoms are usually the least likely to actually jog”
Many people who wear jogging bottoms do not jog. "for years i preached hate against the types who wear jogging bottoms when they obviously do not jog... now, i wear them too (in…
“I’ve officially reached the age where I consider running errands as going out”
"I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. The speaker is an adult who no longer goes out…
“I’ve open sourced my French Revolution joke. It’s royalty free”
The French Revolution deposed of royalty. "You can use my French Revolution joke. It's royalty free" was posted on Reddit -- Dadjokes on July 31, 2021. "Anyone can use my French…
“I’ve reached the age where ‘Happy Hour’ is a nap”
"Happy Hour" usually refers to drinks at bars and restaurants, but there have been other definitions. "I've reached the age where 'Happy Hour' is a nap" (or…
“I’ve reached the age where I appreciate a nice handrail”
"I've reached the age where I appreciate a nice handrail" (or "I'm at the age where I appreciate a nice handrail") is a saying that has been printed on many images.…
“I’ve reached the age where I can’t function without my glasses…especially if they’re empty”
"I've finally reached the age where I can't function without my glasses...especially if they're empty" is a jocular one-line saying that has been printed on several ecards.…
“I’ve reached the age where if I drive past a house with a nice porch, I literally have to say, “that’s a nice porch’”
Old people appreciate a house with a nice front porch. This was posted on X/Twitter by Matt Kiebus on August 16, 2020, and it received over 61,000 likes: "I've reached the age where if I…
“I’ve set myself a five year plan to become more spontaneous”
Many people make plans to be more spontaneous, but do they make long term plans? "I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous" was posted on Twitter by Daveastated on August 27,…