“I’ve started cross fit. I cross my fingers and hope my pants fit”
"I'm really into crossfit. I cross my fingers and hope my ass fits in those jeans" is a jocular line that has been printed on many images. "Yeah I do Crossfit.... I CROSS my…
“I’ve started drinking my coffee out of a clear mug, so people know where my tolerance level is at”
"I've started drinking my coffee out of a clear mug, so people know where my tolerance level is at" is a coffee saying that has been printed on many images. The implication is that…
“I’ve struggled with timekeeping since I don’t know when”
"I've struggled with timekeeping since I don't know when" is a joke that was posted on Twitter by 3AM on March 21, 2020. "I've struggled with timekeeping since I…
“I’ve studied Basic Human Anatomy so much that I know it like the back of my hand”
To "know something like the back of one's hand" is to know it very well. A student joke applies this expression to a human anatomy test. "Going to Anatomy. I know this like the…
“I’ve trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine. He’s a Bordeaux collie”
Is a "Bordeaux collie" (Bordeaux wine + Border Collie) a dog that will bring red wine? "Bordeaux collie" has been cited in print since at least 1995 and has been printed on…
“I’ve worn this for 20 years and it still fits.”/“It’s a scarf.”
Someone is in good shape when an old piece of clothing still fits, right? This joke was posted on Twitter by Sickipedia_Feed on October 4, 2011 (originally on the Sickipedia website) and has been…
“I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk”
"I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk" is a jocular one-line saying that has been printed on several images. The saying was posted on Twitter by…
“I’d make a COVID joke, but it would be tasteless”
The 2020 COVID-19 (coronavirus) pandemic caused sufferers to lose a sense of taste. "I wanted to make a COVID joke, but I think that'd be pretty tasteless" was posted on Twitter by…
“I’ll be home for Christmas. Been here all year anyway. #2020”
"I'll Be Home for Christmas" (1943) is a Christmas song written by the lyricist Kim Gannon and composer Walter Kent and recorded by Bing Crosby. It referred to soldiers in World War…
“I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason”
Where's Waldo? is the title of the first book in a series, published in 1987. Waldo was difficult to locate. "I'm convinced Waldo owed some people money. Hiding ass nigga" was…
“I’ll change my Facebook username to NOBODY…” (joke)
"I am going 2 change my Facebook username to NOBODY so when i see a boring status..i will like it..then it read:NOBODY LIKE THIS" was posted on Twitter on September 4, 2012. "Very…
“I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trig, I’ll do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line”
"I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trig, I’ll even do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line" is a math saying that has been printed on many images. The saying was posted on the…
“I’ll eat a bowl of water with a fork before I give a shit about your opinion of me”
"I will eat a bowl of water with a fork before I care what anyone thinks of me" (or "I will eat a bowl of water with a fork before I give a fuck about your opinion of me") is a…
“I’ll have a rum and coke” (joke)
Can you substitute a Pepsi in a "rum and coke"? Dan Mentos made a popular tweet on November 23, 2014: “I’ll have a rum and coke”Is pepsi ok?“Sure whatever”*hands you a pepsi and…
“I’ll never be able to run for President because of what I did for a Klondike Bar”
A Klondike bar is an ice cream bar coated with a thin layer of chocolate. "What would you do for a Klondike bar?" is a memorable ad jingle that began in 1982. "I'll never be…
“I’ll never forget where I was when I heard that JFK was shot. Eighth grade history class”
U.S. President John F. Kennedy was assassinated on November 22, 1963. People who were alive at that time usually recall where they were when they first heard the news. A joke involves people who…
“I’ll never understand people who leave the hotel toiletries behind when they check out”
Hotels often provide complimentary toiletries, such as body wash, shampoo and soap. It's expected that hotel guests can take them home, but many guests feel guilty about doing that. Some…
“I’ll sell my broken watch when the time is right”
"I’ll sell my broken watch when the time is right. http://bit.ly/WyrZaq via @sickipedia" was posted on Twitter by Fresh Stand Up on March 18, 2013. The joke originated on the Sickipedia…
“I’ll tell you a coronavirus joke now, but you’ll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it”
The 2019–20 coronavirus pandemic led to several jokes. "Let me tell you this coronavirus joke.We have to wait two weeks to see if you got it" was posted on Twitter by Imtiaz Mahmood on…
“I’ll vacuum the beach before I tell Facebook I got a man again”
"I'll vacuum the beach before I tell Facebook I'm in a relationship again" is a saying that has been printed on many images. In other words -- never. "I’ll vacuum the…