“I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’m going to use it”
"I got food poisoning today I don't know when I'll use it" (or "I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'm going to use it") is a joke that has been…
“I got hit with a can of soda. Fortunately, it was a soft drink”
A "soft drink" isn't necessarily physically soft, but there's a joke: "Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft…
“I got invited by a salad to his house. He wouldn’t lettuce leaf!”
"Lettuce leaf" sounds like "let us leave." "I remember a time my friends and I got trapped in a garden...the owners wouldn't lettuce leaf" was posted on Twitter…
“I got just got a ticket outside the cake shop. No parkin”
"Parkin" (a gingerbread cake traditionally made with oatmeal and black treacle) has nothing to do with "parking," but there are jokes. "The traffic warden slapped a treacle…
“I got kicked out of the coffee club just because I wore a tea shirt”
"T-shirt" shouldn't be confused with "tea shirt," but there are jokes. "Got thrown out of Coffee Club. I turned up wearing a tea shirt" was posted on Twitter by…
“I got my first shot. And I’ll get my second shot as soon as I can get the bartender’s attention”
The COVID-19 (coronavirus) pandemic resulted in vaccines that usually required to shots. "Just got my first shot. I'll get my second one as soon as the bartender gets back down here"…
“I got so drunk last night I walked across the dance floor to get a drink & won a dance contest”
"I got so drunk last night, I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest" is a jocular saying that as been printed on many images. "Last night I was…
“I got so drunk last night, I don’t know if I found some keys or lost a car”
Entry in progress -- B.P. Twitter Sawyer Stone @FuckinnShiti sooooooo wasted I don't kno if I found some keys or lost a car2:19 PM - 26 Sep 2013 TwitterRyan @RyanGoodyerI'm so…
“I got so pissed last night, I don’t remember getting home from the kitchen” (quarantine)
The 2019–20 coronavirus pandemic forced many people to stay at home in quarantine. "It's driving me crazy not going out. I was that pissed last night I don't remember getting home…
“I got stung by a bee yesterday. Twenty dollars for a jar of honey!”
A bee stings, but it usually doesn't have a sting operation -- that is, to catch suckers. "IT'S early evening in a south London pub and Robbie Williams -- for so long dubbed `the…
“I grew up all my life believing I was Irish. But thanks to Ancestry, I now know I’m just a drunk”
AncestryDNA tests for ethnicity. A popular St. Patrick's Day joke is about a test for Irish roots. "I grew up all my life believing I was Irish. But thanks to http://ancestry.Com I now…
“I grilled a chicken for two hours yesterday…” (joke)
"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"To get to the other side" is a classic riddle from the 19th century. A popular joke variation is: "I grilled a chicken for two hours…
“I guess it’s only a matter of thyme until bay leaves. It was parsley my fault”
"My girlfriend said she'd break up with me if I kept making puns about our seasonings and spices. I guess it's only a matter of thyme until bay leaves" was posted on Reddit --…
“I had a continental breakfast. Unfortunately, the continent was Africa”
Many hotels serve continental breakfasts. One joke is that some serve African continent breakfasts -- that is, not much food. "I'd forgotten how broadly interpreted Continental Breakfast…
“I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram! I was like, 0mg!”
"OMG" (Oh My God) shouldn't be confused with "0mg" (no milligrams), but there are jokes. "I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was,…
“I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper—dicing with death”
English writer and comedian Tim Vine has a frequently told one-line joke about dicing carrots: "I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper -- dicing with…
“I had a dream that I was drowning in orange soda. Turned out it was just a Fanta sea”
Fanta is a fruit-flavored carbonated drink (often orange flavor). "Fanta Sea" (fantasy) is a pun that has been printed on many images. "If Kel loves orange soda, swimming in it would…
“I had a dream that I was swimming in orange soda. Turned out it was just a Fanta sea”
Fanta is a fruit-flavored carbonated drink (often orange flavor). "Fanta Sea" (fantasy) is a pun that has been printed on many images. "If Kel loves orange soda, swimming in it would…
“I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda. It was a Fanta sea”
Fanta is a fruit-flavored carbonated drink (often orange flavor). "Fanta Sea" (fantasy) is a pun that has been printed on many images. "If Kel loves orange soda, swimming in it would…
“I had a job where I had to put shredded cheese back together. It was de-grating”
"Degrading" should not be confused with "de-grating," but there are jokes. "Sometimes I try to put shredded cheese back together, but then I feel like that's degrating…