“I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He wasn’t very happy”
A "ploughman's lunch" (a lunch that ploughmen in the United Kingdom like to eat) consists of cheese, pickle and bread. A popular joke is: "I had a ploughman's lunch the…
“I had a real job trying to open a bottle of Ketchup so went on the internet for some ‘open source’ information”
"Open source" information won't necessarily tell you how to open a bottle of ketchup, but there are jokes. This was posted on X/Twitter (and also on Facebook and Bluesky at about the…
“I had a salad joke, but I tossed it”
"I had a salad joke... but i tossed it" was posted on Facebook by Andrew Lim on August 21, 2012. "I had a salad joke... But I tossed it" was posted on Reddit -- Dadjokes on…
“I had a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was furious”
A shepherd's pie is a meat pie with a crust of mashed potato. A popular joke is: "I had a shepherd's pie for lunch. He was furious." "I ate a shepherd's pie for tea…
“I had cheese, but no crackers. I was cracka-lackin’”
"Crackalackin'" is defined in a 2004 entry in the Urban Dictionary: "It's an upbeat way of asking someone how they are doing, and may cause one to crack a smile in…
“I had cheese, but no crackers. I was cracka-lacking”
"Crackalackin'" is defined in a 2004 entry in the Urban Dictionary: "It's an upbeat way of asking someone how they are doing, and may cause one to crack a smile in…
“I had donkey meat for the first time. It tasted like ass”
The Urban Dictionary defined "taste like ass" as "when something tastes bad" on March 19, 2003. "'I ate donkey for lunch. It tasted like Ass.' -…
“I had no idea what ghee was until someone clarified it for me”
Ghee is a class of clarified butter that originated in India. "He didn't understand what ghee is, but someone clarified it for him" was posted on Twitter by Ian Froeb on May 18,…
“I had to fire our fruit delivery guy this morning. He was driving me bananas”
"Driving me bananas" usually means "driving me crazy," but some jokes involve literal driving of bananas. "First day running my family fruit and veg delivery service and my…
“I had to give up my vegetarian diet. Turns out they’re a lot harder to catch than cows”
There's a difference between "eating vegetarian" and "eating a vegetarian." A joke was posted on the newsgroup alt.humor.puns on January 31, 2003, taken from the comic…
“I hate ‘marry me’ recipes. ‘Marry me chicken’ ‘Marry me Alfredo’ omg everything is about a relationship. I’m going to scream. It’s just pasta!!!”
"Engagement Chicken" led to "Marry Me Chicken," and other similarly named recipes. A woman who cooks such a dish for a man will impress him so much that they become…
“I hate chewing gum underneath school tables. I wish I was comfortable enough to do it in public”
Many people put gum underneath school tables -- to the disgust of others who find it. A joke was posted on Reddit -- Jokes on August 25, 2017: "I hate chewing gum underneath school tables. I…
“I hate coffee—it keeps me awake at work”
"I hate coffee -- it keeps me awake at work" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many gift items, such as T-shirts, caps and mugs. The saying -- a twist on "I hate coffee --…
“I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little fucking paperwork”
A clove of garlic is surrounded by layers of outer sheathing leaves, that must be removed. This was posted on X/Twitter by kate♡ on December 31, 2023: "I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each…
“I hate it when I eat the last bite but didn’t notice it was the last bite…”
"I hate it when I eat the last bite but didn't notice it was the last bite, so I couldn't mentally prepare myself and get closure" is a jocular saying that has been printed on…
“I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get…you know…Oreos”
Many people intend to buy seedless grapes, but accidentally buy grapes with seeds. "I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos" is…
“I hate it when I think I’m buying organic vegetables, but I discover they’re just regular donuts”
Some people try to buy organic vegetables, but buy regular vegetables by mistake. And then there are people who don't buy vegetables at all. "I hate it when I think I'm buying…
“I hate it when people pour my cereal. They don’t know how much I want. They don’t know my life”
A breakfast joke has been printed on many images: "I hate it when people pour my cereal.They don't know how much milk I like.They don't know how much cereal I want.They don't…
“I hate people that call it supper. Are you going to eat your supper after you come home from work at the top hat factory”
Some people find the term "supper" to be pretentious. This was posted on X/TwitterBöb Jänke: Hönkÿ on March 26, 2025, and received over 3,500 likes: "I hate people that call it…
“I hate people that say ‘it’s too early to be eating that.’ WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?”
Many people want to eat whatever food they want whenever they want it, regardless if the food is usually served at breakfast or dinner. This was posted (with four images) on X/Twitter by Danielle…