“I consider sex a misdemeanor. The more I miss, de meaner I get”
"I consider sex a misdemeanor. The more I miss, de meaner I get" (or "Sex is a misdemeanor. De more I miss de meaner I get") is a jocular saying that has been printed on many…
Alphebetical for "i"
“I continued the cycle of my own oppression today” (“I voted” sticker parody)
"I continued the cycle of my own oppression today" (made to look like the "I voted" sticker) is a saying that has been printed on many images. The saying (shown on a sticker)…
“I cooked on the back left stove burner just to feel something different. Thanks for following my journey”
There are usually four burners on a stove, and sometimes a cook likes to get adventurous. This joke was posted on X/Twitter by Simon Holland on January 26, 2022, and it received over 1,500 likes:…
“I correct auto correct more than auto correct corrects me”
"I correct autocorrect more than autocorrect corrects me" is a saying that has been printed on many images. This makes autocorrect mostly useless. "all the timeeee!…
“I correct autocorrect more than autocorrect corrects me”
"I correct autocorrect more than autocorrect corrects me" is a saying that has been printed on many images. This makes autocorrect mostly useless. "all the timeeee!…
“I could actually watch golf on TV if land mines were involved”
"I would definitely watch golf if land mines were involved" ( or "I could actually watch golf on TV if land mines were involved") is a saying that has been printed on several…
“I could be a morning person if my coffee maker brewed wine instead of coffee”
"I could be a morning person if my coffee maker brewed wine instead of coffee" is a jocular one-line saying that has been printed on many images. The saying was posted on Twitter on March…
“I could be a morning person, if morning happened around noon”
"I could be a morning person, if morning happened around noon" is a jocular one-line saying that has been printed on many images. "I could be a morning person . . . If morning…
“I could burn water” (i.e., I can’t cook)
A bad cook burns the food, but an epically bad cook "can burn water." "Cpl. Agarn (on the television comedy F-Troop -- ed.), who can burn water, becomes the troop cook, with…
“I could only afford a second hand calculator and the ‘X’ button was missing. Times were hard”
The saying "times were hard" usually has nothing to do with multiplication, but there are jokes. "I was never privileged at school, I had to use a second-hand calculator which had…
“I could see every ketchup bottle in the restaurant. Heinz sight is 20/20”
Heinz dominates the market for ketchup, and there are several puns about "Heinz sight" (hindsight). "If hindsight is 20/20, does that make Heinz-sight 57/57?" was cited in 1999.…
“I could sing a verse for you. But I’ll refrain”
"Refrain" can be a verb or a noun. "I was going to make a bad music pun, but I'll refrain from doing as such" was posted on Twitter by Morris Dutchley on October 3, 2011.…
“I could use a foot massage, 3 donuts, and an orgasm”
"I could use a foot massage, 4 donuts, and an orgasm" is a jocular saying that has been printed on several images. “@NaughtyFacts: I could use a foot massage, 4 donuts, and an…
“I could use a foot massage, 4 donuts, and an orgasm”
"I could use a foot massage, 4 donuts, and an orgasm" is a jocular saying that has been printed on several images. “@NaughtyFacts: I could use a foot massage, 4 donuts, and an…
“I could use a foot massage, four donuts, and an orgasm”
"I could use a foot massage, 4 donuts, and an orgasm" is a jocular saying that has been printed on several images. “@NaughtyFacts: I could use a foot massage, 4 donuts, and an…
“I could use a foot massage, three donuts, and an orgasm”
"I could use a foot massage, 4 donuts, and an orgasm" is a jocular saying that has been printed on several images. “@NaughtyFacts: I could use a foot massage, 4 donuts, and an…
“I couldn’t believe it till I saw it with mayonnaise.—Hellmann’s”
"Mayonnaise" can sound a bit like "my own eyes." "'I saw it with mayonnaise' '..What?' 'With my own eyes' #fakeaccentproblems" was posted…
“I couldn’t believe it today when I came home and my wife said that my 5-year-old son wasn’t mine…”
Fathers can be pretty bad at picking up a child at school, and there's a joke about this. "When I came home I was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't mine. She was right I…
“I couldn’t decide whether or not to make spiced apple cider, so I mulled it over”
A pun on the word "mull" was posted on Twitter on August 23, 2009: "I couldn't decide whether or not to make spiced apple cider, so I mulled it over." Wiktionary: mull…
“I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt, but then it clicked”
A popular pun about the seatbelt is: "I couldn't figure out how to fasten my seatbelt, but then it clicked." "I couldn't work out how to fasten my seatbelt: then it…