“I cried when my dad chopped Onions. Onions was a good dog”
Many people cry when they chop up onions, and this is the subject of a popular dark joke. "When I cut up onions, it always makes me cry. He was a good dog and will be missed" was posted…
Alphebetical for "i"
“I crossed the road, walked into a bar, and changed a lightbulb…” (joke)
"I crossed the road, walked into a bar, and changed a light bulb. Then I realized that my life was a joke" is a joke that combine three popular memes. "Has changed a lightbulb,…
“I crossed the road, walked into a bar, and changed a lightbulb…” (joke)
"I crossed the road, walked into a bar, and changed a light bulb. Then I realized that my life was a joke" is a joke that combine three popular memes. "Has changed a lightbulb,…
“I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward”
People often cry when they cut up onions, but not when they cut up carrots or other vegetables. "I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don't think they're ugly or…
“I cut myself shredding cheese. Then I remembered… With grate power comes grate responsibility”
"With great power comes great responsibility" is a popular line from Spider-Man in Marvel Comics. "With grate power comes grate responsibility" is a cheese grater pun.…
“I Dance Country at the Broken Spoke, Austin, Texas”
"I Dance Country at the Broken Spoke, Austin, Texas" is a popular slogan of The Broken Spoke, billed as "the best honky-tonk in Texas" and "Texas' most definitive…
“I dance like people wish they weren’t watching”
The song “Come from the Heart” (1987) by Susanna Clark and Richard Leigh contains the lyrics: “Sing like no one is listening. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s…
“I danced like no one was watching, but someone was watching and he thought I was having a seizure”
The song "Come from the Heart" (1987) by Susanna Clark and Richard Leigh contains the lyrics: "Sing like no one is listening.Love like you’ve never been hurt.Dance like nobody’s…
“I dearly love the state of Texas, but I consider that a harmless perversion on my part…”
Molly Ivins (1944-2007) often poked fun at Texas ways, but she dearly loved the state. "I dearly love the state of Texas, but I consider that a harmless perversion on my part, and discuss it…
“I decided to cross the road, not because I’m brave, but because I’m chicken”
"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"To get to the other side" is a classic riddle from the 19th century. One version is: "I decided to cross the road, not because…
“I decided to greet my coworkers with a ‘Congrats on not dying in your sleep’”
"Good morning, Warren, and congratulations on once again not dying in your sleep…" is a jocular version of "good morning" that was posted on Twitter by Munsi on January 3,…
“I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today. I just showed up to work 20 minutes early”
One disadvantage of speeding -- besides potentially getting a speeding ticket -- is that the driver might arrive at a destination too early. "I definitely learned my lesson about speeding…
“I delete enough status updates to know that I should never get a tattoo”
"I've deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo" is a saying meaning that the speaker changes thoughts so often, something permanent (a tattoo on the…
“I delete enough tweets and status updates to know that I should never get a tattoo”
"I've deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo" is a saying meaning that the speaker changes thoughts so often, something permanent (a tattoo on the…
“I designed a website for orphans. There isn’t a home page”
A joke about a website's home page is: "I designed a website for orphans. There isn't a home page." The joke was posted on Twitter on April 15, 2015 and was originally posted on…
“I did a lot of dumb stuff, but I never got a fish filet from McDonald’s”
Many people believe that McDonald's (an American multinational fast food chain) is best for hamburgers, and not its fish sandwich. "I did a lot of dumb stuff but I never got a fish filet…
“I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words”
"I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words" os a jocular saying that has been printed on an ecard. The saying was on Twitter on February 24, 2011. Similar jokes…
“I did not hear the question, but the answer is definitely coffee”
"I did not hear the question, but the answer is definitely coffee" is a coffee saying that has been printed on several images. "I didn't really hear the question but I know the…
“I did not see that cumin”
"I did not see that cumin" -- like the saying "I did not see that coming" -- is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "As a result of the oregano post, we…
“I did Pilates one day and I see why it killed Jesus. Wtaf so fucking hard”
Pilates (a type of mind-body exercise) shouldn't be confused with Roman governor Pontius Pilate, but there are jokes. "Pilates must be pretty tough exercise if they killed Jesus" was…