“I write short fiction. They’re ‘to-do lists’”
For some people, a "to-do list" is a short list of things that they wish to do, but will not. "I’m really into writing short fiction, mainly to-do lists" was posted on…
Alphebetical for "i"
“I write songs about sewing machines. I’m a Singer songwriter”
The Singer Corporation makes sewing machines. Of course, there are jokes about musical singers. "#wokeupthismorning to compose another ditty about an old-fashioned sewing machine. That's…
“I-rish you a very nice place to live, I-rish God’s greatest gifts he’ll give…”
An Irish poem (popular on St. Patrick's Day) is: "I-rish you a very nice place to live,I-rish God's greatest gifts he'll give.I-rish you health, and wealth, and more--I-rish…
“I, for one, like Roman numerals”
"I, for one, like Roman numerals" -- "I'" is the Roman numeral for "one" -- is a jocular one-line saying that has been printed on many images. The saying was…
“I’d be a bum on the street with a tin cup if the markets were always efficient” (Warren Buffett)
"I'd be a bum on the street with a tin cup if the markets were always efficient" was said by billionaire investor Warren Buffett and published in the April 3, 1995 issue of Fortune…
“I’d be sooooo pissed if I were a bee and someone took all my hard-earned honey and put it in a container shaped like a bear. A bear is my enemy. You mock me”
Honey bear shaped squeezable containers for honey are very popular. The first bottles were created in 1957 by Ralph and Luella Gamber, founders of Dutch Gold Honey (from Pennsylvania). Bears…
“I’d call myself a politician, but then I would just be a liar…”
A joke about politicians and lying is: "I'd call myself a politician, but then I would just be a liar. So, basically, I would be a politician." The joke was posted on Reddit -- Jokes…
“I’d demand a recount” (William F. Buckley, Jr., Conservative, if elected mayor in 1965)
William F. Buckley, Jr. ran in 1965 for mayor of New York City. As a Conservative. He did get about 13% of he vote. He was asked what he would do if he won the race. Buckley issued his classic…
“I’d enjoy summer a lot more if someone came by hourly and misted me like produce”
"I'd enjoy summer a lot more if someone came by hourly and misted me like produce" is a jocular saying that has been printed on several images. The saying was posted on X/Twitter by…
“I’d go to a strip club, but it’s always the same old thong and dance”
"Song and dance" is a New York slang phrase that dates to the 19th century. Strips clubs give the same old "thong and dance." "Thong bikinis and nude dance clubs (same old…
“I’d like extra hot fudge.”/“Sorry, all of our fudge is the same temperature.”
" can you pick up a peanut buster parfait for me, with extra hot fudge? (Sorry, all of our hot fudge is the same temperature...)" was posted on X/Twitter by Bill Jelen on August 2, 2013.…
“I’d like to apologize to anyone I haven’t yet offended. Please be patient”
"I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended. Please be patient. I will get to you shortly" is a jocular saying (popular on social media) that has been printed on many…
“I’d like to apologize to anyone I’ve not yet offended. Please be patient”
"I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended. Please be patient. I will get to you shortly" is a jocular saying (popular on social media) that has been printed on many…
“I’d like to buy a ham and cheese baguette with pickles.”/“Sorry, we only take cash or card.”
A deli joke was posted on Reddit -- Dadjokes on August 11, 2012: "So I said to the woman at the deli, 'I'd like to buy a ham and cheese baguette with pickles.' She said…
“I’d like to buy Christmas stamps.”/“What denomination?” (joke)
Christmas stamps and Hanukkah stamps are sold by the U.S. post office, and a joke has a woman buying such stamps. "What denomination?" a clerk asks her. The woman, however, believes the…
“I’d like to buy Hanukkah stamps.”/“What denomination?” (joke)
Christmas stamps and Hanukkah stamps are sold by the U.S. post office, and a joke has a woman buying such stamps. "What denomination?" a clerk asks her. The woman, however, believes the…
“I’d like to congratulate drugs for winning the war on drugs”
"Congratulations to drugs for winning the war on drugs" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "We'd like to congratulate drugs for winning the war on…
“I’d like to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up my ass”
"I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass" is a jocular put-down that has been printed on many images. Authorship is…
“I’d like to thank all who are taking part in Sober October. It’s much easier to get to the bar now”
"Sober October" means not drinking alcohol during the month of October. "A huge thank you to everyone who's taking part in sober October. It's so much easier to get to the…
“I’d like to thank my parents for making this possible and my children for making it necessary”
Danish and American pianist and comedian Victor Borge (1909-2000) was cited in a February 1958 newspaper for ending his performance with this jocular line: "I want to thank my parents for…