“I wanted to place a bid at the silent auction, but it was not aloud”
A joke about a silent auction was posted on the website Pun of the Day on May 20, 2018: "I wanted to bid at the silent auction, but it was not aloud." The bid was not "aloud" (a…
Alphebetical for "i"
“I wanted to say everything was okie dokie artichokie, but to be honest it’s been extra horrendous asparagus”
"I wanted to say everything was okie dokie artichokie but to be honest it’s been extra horrendous asparagus" is a jocular saying that has been printed on several images, credited to a…
“I wanted to stop drinking but then I remembered the owner of the pub has a family to feed”
"I wanted to stop drinking but then I remembered the owner of the pub has a family to feed" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. There are several variations of the…
“I wanted to try water skiing but I couldn’t find a sloping lake”
Water skiing doesn't require a slope (like a ski slope), but there are jokes. "Joe Kowalski hasn't used his new water-skis yet; he can't find a sloping lake: was printed in The…
“I was a rubbish church window cleaner. I got rid of all the stains”
Many churches have stained windows. "I was a rubbish church window cleaner. I got rid of all the stains" was printed in The Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book (2010) by English writer,…
“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight”
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight" said comedian Rita Rudner, who was probably exaggerating her vegetarianism. The one-line saying has been published on many…
“I was accused of illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia. I said I could explain everything”
Can Wikipedia explain everything? A joke was posted on Reddit -- Jokes on March 9, 2015: "I was accused of illegally downloading the entirety of Wikipedia. I told them I could explain…
“I was addicted to eating frozen poultry, but I quit cold turkey”
"Cold turkey" is defined as a sudden stop to a dependency (such as smoking or drugs). "Now Xmas is over for my new years resolution i’m going to beat my addiction to frozen poultry…
“I was addicted to the Hokey-Pokey, but I turned myself around”
The Hokey-Pokey dance has the singer explain to the dancers: “You put your (leg/arm) in, you put your (leg/arm) out, you put your (leg/arm) in and you shake it all about. You do the Hokey-Pokey…
“I was afraid I might fail my fireworks exam, but I passed with flying colors”
Students who pass an exam easily are said to do so "with flying colors." It's sometimes joked that the test was a fireworks exam. "Just passed the fireworks inspection with…
“I was an honor student—I don’t know what happened” (bumper sticker)
"I was an honor student -- I don't know what happened" is a popular bumper sticker. The bumper sticker is a parody of the "My child is an honor student" bumper stickers.…
“I was asked how much television I watch. I said that I usually watch the whole screen”
Many people watch a lot of television. "Some guy on live at the Apollo just said, 'I watch a lot of the TV. I even sometimes watch the whole screen'" was posted on Twitter on…
“I was asked if I would try belly dancing. I just don’t think I have the stomach for it”
To "not have the stomach for (something)" means to lack the courage, determination, or resolve to do it. The idiom usually doesn't involve the stomach, but there are belly dancing…
“I was at a climbing center the other day, but someone had stolen all the grips from the wall. Honestly, you couldn’t make it up”
"You can't make it up!" usually isn't taken literally, but there are climbing wall jokes. "I was at a climbing center the other day, but someone had stolen all the grips…
“I was attacked by a gang of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me”
"I was attacked by a gang of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "Just been gang raped by a group of mime artists. . .…
“I was bitten by a radioactive lawyer and ended up with the power of attorney”
"Whenever I hear the phrase 'Power of Attorney' I always imagine someone being bitten by a radioactive lawyer" is a joke that was posted on Twitter by JerryThomas on June 24,…
“I was born at night, but not last night”
"I wasn't born yesterday!" is an expression dating from at least the 18th century meaning that a person is not so naive about a matter (financial or otherwise). "I was born at…
“I was born to be rich. I can tell by the way I spend money”
"I was meant to be rich. I can tell by the way I spend money" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "I was born to be rich, I can tell by the way i spend"…
“I was dismissed from my job as an apprentice executioner because I just couldn’t get the hang of it”
Some people who work or who go to school can't "get the hang of it" (understand it). This expression usually has nothing to do with hanging, but there are jokes. "Why was the…
“I was doing my vocabulary homework when suddenly I felt dizzy. I had to sit for a spell”
A pun about vocabulary homework is: "I was doing my vocabulary homework when suddenly I felt dizzy. I had to sit for a spell." The joke was posted on Reddit -- 3amjokes on September 2,…