“I was born at night, but not last night”
"I wasn't born yesterday!" is an expression dating from at least the 18th century meaning that a person is not so naive about a matter (financial or otherwise). "I was born at…
Alphebetical for "i"
“I was born to be rich. I can tell by the way I spend money”
"I was meant to be rich. I can tell by the way I spend money" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "I was born to be rich, I can tell by the way i spend"…
“I was dismissed from my job as an apprentice executioner because I just couldn’t get the hang of it”
Some people who work or who go to school can't "get the hang of it" (understand it). This expression usually has nothing to do with hanging, but there are jokes. "Why was the…
“I was doing my vocabulary homework when suddenly I felt dizzy. I had to sit for a spell”
A pun about vocabulary homework is: "I was doing my vocabulary homework when suddenly I felt dizzy. I had to sit for a spell." The joke was posted on Reddit -- 3amjokes on September 2,…
“I was drinking at a bar, so i took the bus home…” (joke)
"I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before" is a joke that has been printed on many images. The joke is that…
“I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and thought, wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy”
The word "legendary" has had some "ledge and dairy" (or "ledge 'n' dairy") puns. "Ledge n dairy" was posted on Twitter by Dan on March 12, 2009.…
“I was driving to the airport and saw a sign that said ‘Airport Left,’ so I went back home”
"I was driving to the airport to catch my flight when I saw a sign that said: 'Airport Left.' So I turned around and went home" is an old joke, told about a blonde, an Irishman…
“I was driving to work and saw a woman driving with her hazard lights on. At least she’s honest”
Many jokes have been told about female drivers. One joke was posted on Twitter on March 5, 2010: "I was driving to work today and saw a woman driving down the road with her hazard lights on.…
“I was eating green onions when all of a sudden, I started rhyming. They were rap scallions”
If a scallion starts to rhyme, does that make it a "rap scallion"? There have been many puns. "And J.M. is an unsavory rap-scallion"/"Scallions do rap music? I did not know…
“I was feeding cannabis-laced brownies to the seabirds. No tern was left unstoned”
"No stone left unturned" is a popular idiom. "No tern left unstoned" is a spoonerism. "The professional punster leaves no phrase unturned as in the case of him who said of…
“I was feeling bad about my code so I went outside and take a run…” (joke)
"If ever you're feeling sad, just go for a run" might, at first, seem like good advice. However, a joke often follows this. "If you’re ever sad, just go for a run. Then…
“I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares. It’s nice to have a bit of company”
A finance joke was posted on Reddit on November 23, 2016 (just before Thanksgiving): "I was very lonely so I bought some shares. It's nice to have a bit of company." The joke was…
“I was fired from my job yesterday for being a pervert. I don’t understand; I’m always hard at work”
"Hard at work" is a saying that can also have a sexual connotation. "I got fired from my job as a porn actor because i wasnt always hard at work" was posted on Twitter on August…
“I was fired from the keyboard factory today. I wasn’t putting in enough shifts”
There is a pun about work "shifts." "I got fired for putting in extra shifts at work. It's what you get for working in a keyboard factory" was posted on Twitter on March…
“I was following my dreams, but they blocked me”
"Follow your dreams" is a common saying that has been printed on many images. It usually doesn't refer to a follow on social media, but there are jokes. "I wanted to follow my…
“I was forced to swallow purple food coloring. I feel violated”
"I was forced to swallow purple food color. I feel violated" was posted on Reddit -- Jokes on September 20, 2017. "I was forced to swallow purple food coloring... I feel…
“I was given a book the other day on anger management. I lost it”
"I was given a book the other day on anger management. I lost it" is a jocular saying -- the "it" can refer to a lost book or a lost anger -- that has been printed on several…
“I was given haggis as an in-flight meal once. I’ve had bad food before, but that was plane offal”
"Offal" sounds like "awful," and "plane awful" sounds like "plain offal." There are jokes. "How have you survived the airline food? I've heard…
“I was going to buy a car with a transparent steering wheel until someone told me to steer clear”
To "steer clear" means to stay away. It's doesn't mean to have a clear steering wheel, but there are jokes. "My friend said he was thinking of buying a car with a…
“I was going to buy a new toaster, but kept the old one. Better the Breville you know”
Breville is an Australian multinational manufacturer and marketer of home appliances. A popular joke involves the Breville toaster and the phrase "better the Breville you know" (a pun on…