“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure”
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure" (or "I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure") is a saying that has been printed on many images. The…
Alphebetical for "i"
“I used to think that adulthood was one crisis after another. I was wrong. As it turns out, adulthood is multiple crises, concurrently, all the time, forever”
Adulthood is not one crisis, and that's solved, and then that's followed by another crisis. Adulthood, some people discover, is much worse than that. "I used to think that adulthood…
“I used to think that sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me…”
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names/words will never harm me” is a classic children's rhyme. A joke variation was posted on Twitter by Steph Marie on May 5, 2011: "I used…
“I used to walk five miles to and from school, uphill both ways” (parent joke)
Parents often say that their kids have it easy. As an example, they sometimes exaggerate how difficult it was for them to walk to school. They walked miles -- and it was uphill both ways! The joke…
“I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account, and now I’m over it”
"I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account, and I’m over it" is a jocular Facebook saying that has been printed on many images.…
“I used to wonder who flipped a vampire’s pancakes. Turns out it’s Count Spatula”
A Count Dracula joke has him as "Count Spatula." "What do you call a vampire who makes pancakes? Count Spatula" was posted on Facebook by Sandra Crawford Wilson on April…
“I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit. No more Mr. Knife guy”
"Mr. Nice Guy" should not be confused with "Mr. Knife Guy," but there are jokes. "The UK's sole remaining cutlery repair business closed today. No more Mr Knife…
“I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded”
"I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded" is a pun that was posted on the newsgroup alt.tasteless.jokes on February 23, 2001. Blankets are folded frequently. “I used to run…
“I used to work in a diving school, but the company went under”
A company that's bankrupt and closes is said to have "gone under" (as if buried). There are several diving company/school jokes. "Friend's had to cancel his deep sea diving…
“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place”
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place" is a popular parking joke from American stand-up comedian Steven Wright. Wright said on his…
“I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying”
Is working in a shoe shop "sole-destroying"? "I think I'll leave the shoe shop soon and find a better paying job"/"One that's not so sole-destroying?" was…
“I used to work in a tiddlywinks factory, but it was counter productive”
Some jobs are "counter productive, but what if it's a job making counters? "My dad used to work in a tiddlywink factory. But he didn’t like it. He said it was counter…
“I used to work in a watch factory. I sat around making faces all day”
A watch has a face, and there is a very old joke about that. "I have two jobs open. I've got a chance to go making faces in a watch factory or drawing mugs in a beer hall" was…
“I used up all my sick days, so I called in dead” (workplace saying)
"I used up all my sick days, so I called in dead" (or "I ran out of sick days, so I called in dead") is an office saying that has been printed on many gift items, such as…
“I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time”
A joke about time was submitted by Tom Ward to the Edinburgh (Scotland) Festival Fringe in August 2015: "I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time." The…
“I visited the doctor today and he told me my sugar was too high. So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf”
A joke about "blood sugar level" mistakes that term for the shelf that sugar is stored on. "Doctor told my Friend her sugar is too high she move her sugar container to a lower…
“I wake up with a good attitude every day. Then idiots happen”
"I wake up with a good attitude every day. Then idiots happen" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "I wake up with a good attitude everyday, but then idiots…
“I wake up with a good attitude every morning. Then idiots happen”
"I wake up with a good attitude every day. Then idiots happen" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "I wake up with a good attitude everyday, but then idiots…
“I walked in on my wife yelling that she hated low lying clouds…” (joke)
"Mist" for the word "missed" is a common weather pun. "I haven't the foggiest idea or have I mist the point, sorry my thoughts are a bit cloudy at the moment!"…
“I walked into a bar and ordered a double…” (bar joke)
"A guy walks into a bar..." is a typical form of what has been called the "bar joke." A pun on the terms "double martini" and "body double" is: "I…