“I swear to drunk I’m not God” (joke)
“Ossifer, I swear to drunk I’m not God” is how a drunk might say, "Officer, I swear to God I'm not drunk." The jocular speech pattern has been cited in print since at least…
Alphebetical for "i"
“I swim because I’m too sexy for a sport that requires clothes”
"I swim because I'm too sexy for a sport that requires clothes" (or "We swim because we are too sexy for a sport that requires clothes") is a swimming saying that has been…
“I swim to look good naked”
"I swim to look good naked" is a saying about swimming that has been printed on many images. "I don’t swim to be healthy, I swim to look good as fuck naked.." was posted on…
“I switched to a wine that doesn’t make me urinate. Pinot Moor”
Pinot Noir is a a red-wine grape variety. There is no "Pinot Moir"/"Pinot Moor"/"Pinot More" (pee no more), but there are jokes. "A California vintner in the Napa…
“I take my coffee with two scoops of it’s too early for this shit and a splash of zip it until noon”
"I take my coffee with two scoops of it's too early for this shit and a splash of zip it until noon" is a coffee saying that has been printed on many images. "I take my coffee…
“I take my paycheck to the bar because that’s better than drinking a loan”
American singer-songwriter Billy Joel's song "Piano Man" (1973) contains the lyric, "Yes, they're sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it's better than drinking…
“I talk a lot of shit about Mondays, but Tuesdays can go fuck themselves, too”
"I talk a lot of shit about Mondays, but Tuesdays can go fuck themselves, too" is a saying that has been printed on many images Many people hate Monday, the start of the traditional work…
“I talk a lot of trash about Mondays, but Tuesdays can go fuck themselves, too”
"I talk a lot of shit about Mondays, but Tuesdays can go fuck themselves, too" is a saying that has been printed on many images Many people hate Monday, the start of the traditional work…
“I taught a wolf to meditate. Now he’s aware wolf”
"A werewolf" sounds like "aware wolf." "I told a wolf to go meditate. Now he’s aware wolf" was posted on Twitter by Dodger × BLACK LIVES MATTER on April 12, 2018.…
“I taught my daughter what the word ‘bargain’ meant” (joke)
"I'd like to thank the person who taught me the meaning of the word 'bargain', it means a great deal" was posted on Twitter by Spocksgoat on December 17, 2014. A form of…
“I tell dad jokes, but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa”
"Faux pas" is sometimes punned as "faux pa." The pun is especially frequent on Father's Day. "A friend tried to tell me recently that I'm not allowed to make dad…
“I tell new hires, ‘Don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you’”
A popular work one-liner is: "I tell new hires, 'Don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.'" "Boss = a friend who can fire you" was…
“I tested positive for sickofthisshit-20. There is no cure, and I may or may not be contagious”
The 2019–20 coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic reached the last nerve of many people. "Today I tested positive for Sickofthisshit-20 There’s no cure and I may or may not be contagious…
“I think ‘noted’ is the corporate version of ‘whatever’”
"'Noted' is the corporate version of 'whatever'" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "Whatever" is often used to express indifference,…
“I think about winning the lottery way too much for someone that don’t buy lottery tickets”
"I think about winning the lottery way too much for someone that don't buy lottery tickets" and "I fantasize about winning the lottery way too much for someone who never buys…
“I think about winning the lottery way too much for someone who doesn’t even play it”
"I think about winning the lottery way too much for someone that don't buy lottery tickets" and "I fantasize about winning the lottery way too much for someone who never buys…
“I think all my problems could be solved with fresh blueberry muffins and holding hands with someone”
"I think all my problems could be solved with fresh blueberry muffins and holding hands with someone" is a saying that was posted on Tumblr on July 19, 2020. The saying evokes life's…
“I think Christmas is a wonderful time for drinking”
Two related drinking sayings have been printed on many images: "I think Christmas is a wonderful time for drinking. And also after and before Christmas plus all the other days.""I…
“I think church should be more like football. If the pastor gives a good sermon, dump a cooler of Gatorade on his head!”
A winning coach or player in sports (especially football) often receives a "Gatorade shower." Some people believe that church should have similar enthusiasm. "It's that time of…
“I think every morning that I’m going to make pancakes, but I keep waffling”
"I want to make pancakes, but I keep waffling" -- "waffling" is a joke on "waffles" -- is a jocular saying that has been printed on a sign. "This morning the…