“Don’t kiss anyone on New Year’s Day because it’s only the first date”
Should you kiss on New Year's Day? "I don't kiss on new years because you're not supposed to kiss on the first date" was posted on Twitter on July 10, 2013. "You…
“Hash browns are just flat tater tots”
Are hash browns just flat tater tots -- that is, fried potatoes in another shape? "REALIZATION: mcdonald's hash browns are really enormous, flat tater tots" was posted on Twitter on…
“Why do leprechauns giggle when they play soccer?”/“Because the grass tickles their balls.”
A leprechaun riddle was posted on Twitter on March 17, 2009: Q: Why do leprechauns laugh when they run? A: Cuz the grass tickles their nuts. A soccer version of the leprechaun riddle was posted on…
“I can’t stand bodybuilders who smoke weed. They always act so high and mighty”
The term "high and mighty" doesn't necessarily refer to a bodybuilder on weed, but there are jokes. "Most of my peeps smoke weed after they hit the gym, thinking they all high…
“My New Year’s resolution is to stay out of shape. Maybe I won’t stick with this one either”
Many people have a new year's resolution to lose weight, but they don't keep it. Others apply reverse psychology. "My resolution every year was to slim down and it always fail! How…
“Where does a gorilla play baseball?”/“In the bush leagues.”
The "bush leagues" in baseball don't necessarily have bushes, but there's a riddle: Q: Where does a gorilla play baseball?A: In the bush leagues. The joke has been cited in…
“Where do astronauts leave their spacecrafts?”/“At parking meteors.”
There are parking meters for cars. Will there be parking meteors for spaceships? "With space travel becoming so popular, a bar-fly at the Grinzing comes out with a sensible suggestion for a…
“If I ever go to prison, I’m gonna change my name to mitochondria—powerhouse of the cell”
Mitochondrion ("mitochondria" is the plural) is known as the powerhouse of the cell. There have been several jokes about "prison" cells. "If I ever go to jail I'm gna…
“How many cops does it take to throw a black guy down the stairs?”/“None. He fell.”
A "joke" has it that law enforcement officers beat up a suspect, then lie about it: Q: How many cops does it take to throw a black guy down the stairs?A: None. He fell. "Q: How many…
“Of course carrot cake is healthy, 60% of its name contains carrot”
Some people believe that carrot cake is healthier than other cakes because carrots are vegetables. Also, the word "carrot" has more letters than the word "cake." Dave Hughes…
“What is an astronomer?”/“A night watchman with a college education.”
If an astronomer watches the night skies, does that make him a night watchman? A riddle has been cited in print since at least 1986: Q: What is an astronomer?A: A night watchman with a college…
“Knot knot.”/“Who is there?”/“Earphones.”
Earphones tend to get tied into knots. An knock-knock joke is: "Knot knot.""Who is there?""Earphones." The joke was posted on Twitter by Humourologist on September…
“Where does seaweed go to look for a job?”/“The Kelp Wanted section.”
Many newspapers have a "help wanted" section. Kelp isn't that wanted, but there's a riddle: Q: Where does seaweed go to look for a job?A: The "Kelp Wanted" section of…
“In God we trust. All others we polygraph”
"In God we trust” was the motto of a Philadelphia regiment in 1748. Francis Scott Key’s “Star Spangled Banner” (1814) contains the words “In God is our trust.” The association of…
“There was a recent study that tried to pinpoint the effect that alcohol has on walking…”
"There was a recent study that tried to pinpoint the effect that alcohol has on walking... the result was staggering" is a jocular one-line saying that was posted on Twitter by…
“A large dog’s favorite pastry is a Great Danish”
A "Great Dane" is a dog; a "danish" is a pastry. "What do you get when you cross wonderful baking skills and a very large dog? A great danish" was posted on Twitter on…
Selfieccino (selfie + cappuccino)
A "selfieccino" (selfie + cappuccino) is a "selfie" image made on top of a cappuccino (or other coffee). "#selfieccino" was posted on Twitter on April 7, 2014. The…
“What animal can be found in the unemployment line?”/“The poorqueuepine.”
A "porcupine" (a mammal) has nothing to do with a "poor queue," but there have been puns. "A prickly tree standing in line with other trees waiting for a handout during the…
“A janitor, a waitress, and a bartender walk into a bar… (bar joke)
"A guy walks into a bar..." is a typical form of what has been called the "bar joke." An anti-joke version is: "A janitor, a waitress, and a bartender walk into a bar. Then…
Lechislator (lecher/lecherous + legislator); Lechislature
"Lechislator" (lecher/lecherous + legislator) and "lechislature" (lecher/lecherous + legislature) are portmanteau words that have been infrequently used. "LECHISLATOR:…