“I love how all these so-called ‘vegans’ still drink water. That’s a fish’s house!”
A saying about water was posted on Twitter by "i'm caleb" on May 25, 2016: "I love how all these so-called 'vegans' still drink water. That's a fish's house…
“That’s a nice ham you got there…” (joke)
“Nice place you got here. Be a shame if anything happened to it” is gangster talk from at least the 1920s. The speaker wants to extort money from the establishment. "That's a nice ham…
“My New Year’s revolution is to proofread more”
"Resolution" is sometimes mis-typed as "revolution." "My new year's revolution is to proofread my tweets more carefully" was posted on Twitter on December 27,…
La Grosse Pomme (Paris nightclub, 1937-1938)
American-born UK-based jazz singer and entertainer Adelaide Hall (1901-1993) and her husband, Bertram Hicks, opened a nightclub called La Grosse Pomme (French for "The Big Apple") in…
“Not bragging but I made six figures last year. At the toy factory”
To "make six figures" is to earn at least $100,000 -- unless one is, literally making six figures. "If you can say 'I made six figures last year,' you either have a well…
“I kicked some dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator. It’s now water under the fridge”
“Lazy rule: If ice falls, kick it under the refrigerator” is a rule about dropped ice cubes. Does the ice then become "water under the fridge" (a pun on "water under the…
“I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper—dicing with death”
English writer and comedian Tim Vine has a frequently told one-line joke about dicing carrots: "I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper -- dicing with…
“I asked the hot girl at my gym what her new year’s resolution was” (joke)
A new year's resolution joke was posted on Reddit -- Jokes on December 12, 2016: "Today i asked the hot girl at my gym what her New Year's resolution was. She said 'fuck…
“Mary and Abby!”/“Mary and Abby who?”/“Mary Christmas and a Abby New Year!”
An end-of-year knock-knock joke is: "Knock, knock!""Who's there?""Mary and Abby!""Mary and Abby who?""Mary Christmas and Abby New Year!" The…
“What did the intergalactic cookie say to the other intergalactic cookie?”/“Beam me up biscotti.”
The Star Trek television series and movies include an engineer character named Scott (Scotty), to whom the other characters often request to "beam" them up (transport them). "Beam me…
“How can a lighthouse, rose trellis, windstorm, dune & Halloween costume make something tasty?”
The "BLT" (bacon, lettuce and tomato) is one of America's most popular sandwiches. A riddle has been cited in print since at least 1994: Q: How can you use a lighthouse, a rose…
“Why does your mom taste like a savory?”/“Because she’s umami.”
"Umami" (savory taste) sometimes sounds like "your mommy." A joke was posted on Reddit -- Dad Jokes on December 28, 2017: Q: Why does your mom taste like a savory?A: Because…
“I asked the hot girl at my gym what her new year’s resolution was” (joke)
A new year's resolution joke was posted on Reddit -- Jokes on December 12, 2016: "Today i asked the hot girl at my gym what her New Year's resolution was. She said 'fuck…
“Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house”
A joke about a fitness app was posted on Twitter by Mikey on October 12, 2015: "Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house." The one-line…
“Why do dinosaurs pay for Amazon Shipping?”/“Because they live in the Land before Prime.”
The Land Before Time (1988) is an animated adventure drama film about dinosaurs. How did the dinosaurs order products from Amazon.com in such a prehistoric age? A riddle was posted on Reddit --…
“What’s the shittiest day of the week?”/“SaTURDay.”
A riddle was posted on Twitter on January 2, 2011: Q: What's the shittiest day of the week? A: Sa"TURD"ay. "What's the shittiest day of the week? SaTURDay" was posted…
“I entered a dad joke competition and won $1000. It was a grand dad joke”
The sum of $1,000 is a "grand." There is a "dad joke" -- or rather a "grand dad joke" -- about this. "I was paid $1000 for this joke. It was a grand dad…
“Paper or plastic?”/“Either. I’m bisacktual.”
A cashier often gives a customer a choice of bags and asks, “Paper or plastic?” A joke is: CASHIER: Paper or plastic?CUSTOMER: Either. I'm bisacksual/bisacktual. "When they ask…
“I’m going to a notable restaurant tonight. I’m excited, but I don’t know where I’ll put my plate”
There's a difference between a "notable" restaurant and a "no table" restaurant. "I'm going to a notable restaurant tonight. I'm excited, but I don't…
“As a child: ‘You’re grounded.’ As an adult: ‘Your package will be delivered between 8 am and 6 pm’”
Waiting for a package is like being in prison, or like being grounded as a child, A joke was posted on the website Sickipedia on December 19, 2017: As a child: 'You are grounded. 'As an…