“I have done terrible things for money, like getting up early to go to work”
"I've done some terrible things for money, like getting up early and going to work" (or "I have done terrible things for money, like getting up early to go to work") is a…
“I have found the key to happiness. Stay the hell away from assholes”
"I have found the key to happiness. Stay the hell away from assholes" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "I have found the key to keeping a positive attitude.…
“I have met my quota for stupid people this year. I am no longer taking applications. Thank you”
"I have met my quota for stupid people this year. I am no longer taking applications. Thank you" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. The saying was posted on…
“I have no clue what’s open or closed anymore. I just walk towards the automatic doors…”
The 2019–20 coronavirus pandemic resulted in many store closures. This comment was posted on Twitter by Samuel J Comroe on Julhy 1, 2020: "I have no clue what’s open or closed anymore. I…
“I have the patience of a Saint. Saint Cunty McFuckoff”
"I have the patience of a Saint. Saint Cunty McFuckoff" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "Saw some brill tshirts 'I've got the patience of a saint.…
“I have two milestones at work: 1. Lunch 2. Leaving”
"I have two milestones at work: 1. Lunch 2. Leaving" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. Obviously, not everyone enjoys work. "I have two milestones at work:1.…
“I haven’t even gone to bed yet and I already can’t wait to get home from work tomorrow”
"I haven't even gone to bed yet and I already can't wait to get home from work tomorrow" is a work saying that has been printed on many images. "haven't even been to…
“I hear the monastery is laying off workers. All nun essential staff are gone”
The 2019–20 coronavirus pandemic caused many workers deemed "non-essential" to stay at home. This has nothing to do with nuns, but there are jokes. "It would be wrong for the Pope…
“I heard a really funny joke at our mandatory meeting at work” (joke)
When another telling of a joke doesn't work, "I guess you had to be there" is what the joke teller often says. "Did you hear the one about the mandatory meeting? I guess you had…
“I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there”
"Moderation in all things" or "Everything in moderation" is an old proverb. A joke was posted on Twitter on October 17, 2013: "I heard there was a new store called…
“I joined a 12-step program for people who talk too much. It’s called On and On Anon”
"'I talk too much,' Evan Davis admitted. 'I've joined a self-help group called On-and-On-Anon. Our meetings go forever'" was printed in the Lansing (MI) State…
“I joined a dating site for arsonists. I got a match straight away”
"is match.com a dating site for arsonists?" is a jocular question that was posted on Twitter by peedrinkingcrapface on February 6, 2010. "Match.com ... is that a dating site for…
“I just bought a jar of transparent insects. I got them at a clear-ants sale”
A "clearance" sale shouldn't be confused with a "clear ants" sale, but there are jokes. "My local shop are now selling transparent insects! There having a clear ants…
“I just bought a new answering machine. What should I ask it?”
A telephone "answering machine" does not answer questions, but there are jokes. "I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???" was posted on Twitter by Labyrinth…
“I just bought one of those real life sex dolls and she’s so realistic she just wants to be friends”
Some men are so unfortunate that they can't get lucky with a sex doll. "I'm terrible with women. Even my sex doll only wants to be friends" was posted on Twitter by Hasan LaLa…
“I just flew in from a Transformers convention. And boy, my arms are tires”
“I just flew in and boy, are my arms tired!” is a very old joke (1940s). The arms are tired from flapping so much (like a bird's wings). Transformers arms are actual tires, and there are…
“I just found out it doesn’t matter how early I go to sleep I just don’t want to go to work”
"I just found out it doesn't matter how early I go to sleep I just don't want to go to work" is a saying that has been printed on many images. That is, even if the speaker gets…
“I just got a job working in a full size cuckoo clock…” (joke)
A cuckoo clock often features a figure that comes out of a house to strike the hour. A cuckoo clock joke was posted on Twitter on December 10, 2010: "I've got a job working in a full size…
“I just got done working all night, and I am ready to call it a day”
"I just got done working all night, and I am ready to call it a day" is a seemingly contradictory saying about working during the night. "Been working all night on the…
“I just got fired from a florist. Apparently I took too many leaves”
"Leaves of absence" are not like the leaves on a plant, but there are jokes. "I just got fired from a florist, apparently I took too many leaves" was posted on Twitter by Funny…