“I am not a shopaholic. I am helping the economy”
"I am not a shopaholic. I am helping the economy" is a jocular shopping saying that has been printed on many images. "I'm not a shopaholic, I'm just helping the…
“I am not emotionally prepared for tomorrow to be Monday”
"I am not emotionally prepared for tomorrow to be Monday" is a Sunday saying that has been printed on many images. Monday is the traditional start of the work week. The saying was common…
“I am presently experiencing life at a rate of several WTFs per hour”
"I am currently experiencing life at a rate of several WTFS per hour" (WTF = What The Fuck) is a saying that has been printed on many images. There are several minor variations. "is…
“I am self employed. If you see me talking to myself, do not disturb. I’m having a staff meeting”
"Please note that I am self employed. So if you see me talking to myself, please do not disturb. I'm having a staff meeting" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images.…
“I am writing a book. It is called ‘I have a job’. It is a working title”
A "working title" doesn't have to involve work, but there are jokes. "It's a working title but it doesn't have a job" was posted on Twitter by tintrospek on…
“I asked my boss if I could leave half an hour early the other day. He said ‘only if you make up the time’...”
When an employee has to "make up the time," that means, for example, staying late until a job is done. It doesn't mean making up a fictional time, but there are jokes. "I asked…
“I be flying home after work like I’m late for the house”
"I drive home so quick after work like I'm late for the house" is a saying that has been printed on many imaes. Some people can't wait to get home after a day's work.…
“I be hella fake at work using words I never use irl like ‘awesome’”
Many people act fake at work, pretending to be pleasant and agreeable with co-workers. "I'm so fake at work. I honestly don't give two fucks about how your days been going smh"…
“I beat my boss over the head with a pie chart. I’ve been charged with a graph-aided assault”
A work pun was posted on the website PunGents.com on August 4, 2017: "So… I beat my boss over the head with a pie chart. And they charged me with a graph-aided assault." "A…
“I bet Dracula does all his shopping online, just so he can keep clicking on ‘Your Account’”
"Your account" shouldn't be confused with "You're a Count," but there are several Count Dracula puns. "RT @GaryDelaney: I bet Dracula does all his shopping…
“I bought an expensive ruler, just for good measure”
The expression "for good measure" usually doesn't involve actual measuring, but there are jokes. "I needed to buy a new ruler and they were 2 for 50p. I bought an extra one for…
“I bought my wig at a discount store. Didn’t want toupee full price”
"Toupee" sounds like "to pay." A joke was posted on Sickipedia on December 20, 2019: "I bought my wig at a discount store. Didn't want toupee full price."…
“I build yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof”
"Sales/Profits are going through the roof” is an expression meaning that a business is generating a lot of money. One pun on "sales"/"sails" is: "I started a…
“I called the Tinnitus hotline earlier, but it just kept ringing”
Tinnitus is a disease that is ringing sound in one's ears. A pun was posted on Twitter by Graham Perry on October 25, 2009: "I called the tinnitus hotline but it just kept ringing."…
“I can do anything, as long as there’s a looming deadline and serious consequences”
"I can do anything, as long as there’s a looming deadline and serious consequences" is a saying that has been printed on several images. The saying was posted on X/Twitter by Artform on…
“I can either work well with others or pass a drug test. But not both”
"Sorry, boss... You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test. It can't be both" (or "I can either work well with others or pass a drug test. But not…
“I can feel Monday staring at me from across the weekend”
Monday always looms and casts a pall over the weekend. Monday usually signals a return to the work week. "Monday is already sending me threatening glances from across the room" was posted…
“I can get it for you wholesale”
I Can Get It for You Wholesale is the title of a 1937 novel by Jerome Weidman (1913-1998) about New York City's garment industry. The book was loosely adapted into a 1951 film starring Susan…
“I can hear Monday morning already whispering ‘Go fuck yourself’ into my ear”
"I can hear Monday morning already whispering 'Go fuck yourself' into my ear" is a jocular Monday work saying that has been printed on many images. "I can already hear…
“I can please only one person per day; today is not your day; tomorrow’s not looking good either”
A popular office saying is "I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good, either." The saying is often attributed to the Dilbert comic…