“I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk, but I never got the chants”
"Chants" sounds like "chance." "I've always wanted to be a Gregorian monk but I never really had the chants!" was posted on Twitter on August 14, 2017. "I…
“I am so proud of my Dyslexic daughter. She has managed to get in the school Brass Band. Playing the Toblerone”
"Trombone" (a musical instrument in the brass family) shouldn't be confused with "Toblerone" (a Swiss chocolate brand), but there are jokes. "I am so proud of my…
“I believe in censorship—I made a fortune out of it” (Mae West)
Brooklyn-born actress, singer, playwright, screenwriter, comedian, and sex symbol Mae West (1893-1980) experienced censorship, especially for her play Sex (1927). West was quoted in The Daily News…
“I can always tell when they use fake dinosaurs in movies”
"I can always tell when they use fake dinosaurs in movies" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. The dinosaurs in movies -- unlike the animals in movies -- are all…
“I can hold a note as long as the Chase Manhattan Bank” (singer Ethel Merman)
The actress Ethel Merman (1908-1984) in the musical play Girl Crazy (1930) sang the song "I Got Rhythm" (music by George Gershwin, lyrics by Ira Gershwin) and became an instant star.…
“I can play by ear, but it’s much easier if I use my hands” (music joke)
"Playing by ear" doesn't mean that a musician uses ears instead of hands, but there are jokes. "I do play by ear. But I play better with my hands" was posted on Twitter by…
“I can’t believe the entire Siberian Orchestra is trans”
Trans-Siberian Orchestra (TSO) is an American rock band. "Trans-Siberian" usually means "across Siberia," but there are jokes where "trans" means…
“I can’t die! I’m booked!”
New York-born actor and comedian George Burns (1896-1996) wanted to live to at least age 100 and he constantly worked, without formally retiring. He long-planned to celebrate his 100th birthday…
“I can’t speak for anyone else, but I think I’m a terrible ventriloquist”
A ventriloquist speaks for someone else -- a "dummy." "I can't speak for anyone else, but I think my ventriloquist act is going well" was posted on Twitter by This Henry…
“I can’t watch a movie where a dog dies, but I will watch a serial killer documentary where 27 people are murdered to relax at night”
Many pet lovers cannot watch a movie where a pet dies. "I can't watch a movie where a dog dies, but I will watch a serial killer documentary where 27 people are murdered to relax at…
“I come from a family of failed magicians. I’ve got two half-sisters”
Many magicians have performed the "sawing a woman in half" trick. A joke was posted on Twitter by Fresh Stand Up on May 23, 2014: "I belong to a family of failed…
“I come from a long line of conga dancers”
A dancer doing some genealogy might pun: "I come from a long line of conga dancers." The joke was cited on Sickipedia in 2010 and was first cited on Twitter on March 28, 2010. Wikipedia:…
“I could sing a verse for you. But I’ll refrain”
"Refrain" can be a verb or a noun. "I was going to make a bad music pun, but I'll refrain from doing as such" was posted on Twitter by Morris Dutchley on October 3, 2011.…
“I danced like no one was watching, but someone was watching and he thought I was having a seizure”
The song "Come from the Heart" (1987) by Susanna Clark and Richard Leigh contains the lyrics: "Sing like no one is listening.Love like you’ve never been hurt.Dance like nobody’s…
“I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words”
"I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words" os a jocular saying that has been printed on an ecard. The saying was on Twitter on February 24, 2011. Similar jokes…
“I didn’t ask you to dance. I said you look fat in those pants”
A classic failed pickup line -- and snarky response -- is: Man: Do you want to dance? Woman: No! Man: I think you misheard me. I said you look fat in those pants. The joke has been cited in print…
“I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally”
"I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally" (or "I do all my own stunts, but/just not intentionally") is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "RT…
“I do all my own stunts, but not intentionally”
"I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally" (or "I do all my own stunts, but/just not intentionally") is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "RT…
“I do all my own stunts, just not intentionally”
"I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally" (or "I do all my own stunts, but/just not intentionally") is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "RT…
“I don’t care who dies in a movie, as long as the dog lives”
Many people love dogs -- even more than they love other people. "I don't care who dies in a movie, as long as the dog lives" is a saying that has been printed on many images.…