“I can’t die! I’m booked!”
New York-born actor and comedian George Burns (1896-1996) wanted to live to at least age 100 and he constantly worked, without formally retiring. He long-planned to celebrate his 100th birthday…
“I can’t speak for anyone else, but I think I’m a terrible ventriloquist”
A ventriloquist speaks for someone else -- a "dummy." "I can't speak for anyone else, but I think my ventriloquist act is going well" was posted on Twitter by This Henry…
“I can’t watch a movie where a dog dies, but I will watch a serial killer documentary where 27 people are murdered to relax at night”
Many pet lovers cannot watch a movie where a pet dies. "I can't watch a movie where a dog dies, but I will watch a serial killer documentary where 27 people are murdered to relax at…
“I come from a family of failed magicians. I’ve got two half-sisters”
Many magicians have performed the "sawing a woman in half" trick. A joke was posted on Twitter by Fresh Stand Up on May 23, 2014: "I belong to a family of failed…
“I come from a long line of conga dancers”
A dancer doing some genealogy might pun: "I come from a long line of conga dancers." The joke was cited on Sickipedia in 2010 and was first cited on Twitter on March 28, 2010. Wikipedia:…
“I could sing a verse for you. But I’ll refrain”
"Refrain" can be a verb or a noun. "I was going to make a bad music pun, but I'll refrain from doing as such" was posted on Twitter by Morris Dutchley on October 3, 2011.…
“I dance like people wish they weren’t watching”
The song “Come from the Heart” (1987) by Susanna Clark and Richard Leigh contains the lyrics: “Sing like no one is listening. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s…
“I danced like no one was watching, but someone was watching and he thought I was having a seizure”
The song "Come from the Heart" (1987) by Susanna Clark and Richard Leigh contains the lyrics: "Sing like no one is listening.Love like you’ve never been hurt.Dance like nobody’s…
“I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words”
"I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words" os a jocular saying that has been printed on an ecard. The saying was on Twitter on February 24, 2011. Similar jokes…
“I didn’t ask you to dance. I said you look fat in those pants”
A classic failed pickup line -- and snarky response -- is: Man: Do you want to dance? Woman: No! Man: I think you misheard me. I said you look fat in those pants. The joke has been cited in print…
“I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally”
"I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally" (or "I do all my own stunts, but/just not intentionally") is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "RT…
“I do all my own stunts, but not intentionally”
"I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally" (or "I do all my own stunts, but/just not intentionally") is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "RT…
“I do all my own stunts, just not intentionally”
"I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally" (or "I do all my own stunts, but/just not intentionally") is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "RT…
“I don’t care who dies in a movie, as long as the dog lives”
Many people love dogs -- even more than they love other people. "I don't care who dies in a movie, as long as the dog lives" is a saying that has been printed on many images.…
“I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either”
"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either" is said by some winners at awards presentations (especially entertainment awards), recalling a…
“I don’t even see the Golden Globes anymore. I just see Epstein Island visitors”
"I don't even see the Oscars anymore. I just see Epstein Island visitors" (or "I don't even see the Golden Globes anymore. I just see Epstein Island visitors") is a…
“I don’t even see the Oscars anymore. I just see Epstein Island visitors”
"I don't even see the Oscars anymore. I just see Epstein Island visitors" (or "I don't even see the Golden Globes anymore. I just see Epstein Island visitors") is a…
“I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do” (joke)
American actor and comedian Bob Newhart has told a joke about country music since at least 1980: "I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the…
“I don’t think I ever want to be a mime. It just doesn’t speak to me”
"I don't think the art of being a mime holds any artistic value. It just doesn't speak to me" is a jocular saying that was posted on Twitter on March 9, 2013. "As an art…
“I don’t understand why record stores are failing. They have record sales every year”
How can a business with record sales ever fail? A joke was posted on Twitter by SEC Fort Worth on January 2, 2017: "We don’t understand why record stores failed. They had record sales…