“If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cutecumber”
"If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cutecumber" (cute + cucumber) is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "'If you were a vegetable, you'd be a…
“If you were my husband, I’d poison your coffee” (Nancy Astor to Churchill?)
The following joke is frequently told about Nancy Astor (1879-1964) and Winston Churchill (1874-1965). Astor supposedly said: "if I were your wife, I'd put poison in your coffee!"…
“If you wish to grow thinner, diminish your dinner”
English writer Henry Sambrooke Leigh (1837-1883) wrote in "On Corpulence" (1869): If you wish to grow thinner, diminish your dinner,And take to light claret instead of pale ale;Look down…
“If you wrote a screenplay about coffee, would it be a JavaScript?”
"JavaScript" is not a screenplay about coffee, but there are many puns. "Javascript (which I thought was a screenplay about coffee)" was posted on the newsgroup Google Groups:…
“If you’ll excuse me, I’ll be climbing into my gravy boat and sailing away on the mashed potato sea”
Gravy boats (sauce boats) are not boats that sail on water, but there are jokes. "If you had enough gravy boats would you have a gravy navy?" was posted on X/Twitter by John…
“If you’re allergic to bananas, do you go into bananaphylactic shock?”
People who have banana allergies don't go into "bananaphylactic" (banana + anaphylactic) shock, but there are jokes. "For when Eric eats a banana, an amazing transformation…
“If you’re always organizing things, you have OCD. If you’re always eating things, you have OBCD”
"OBCD" sounds like "obesity." "OBCD" weas entered in the Urban Dictionary on April 7, 2011. "OBCD" should not be confused with "OCD"…
“If you’re always straightening things, you have OCD. If you’re always eating things, you have OBCD”
"OBCD" sounds like "obesity." "OBCD" weas entered in the Urban Dictionary on April 7, 2011. "OBCD" should not be confused with "OCD"…
“If you’re American in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom?”/“European.”
A nationality joke is: Q: If you’re an American in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom? A: European (you're a-peeing). The joke has been cited in print since at least 1976. 12 April…
“If you’re drunk at noon, you’re either living very well, or very poorly”
"If you're drunk at noon, you're either living very well, or very poorly" is a saying that was posted on Reddit -- Shower Thoughts on September 27, 2017. The saying became…
“If you’re ever feeling down on your appearance, remember: even the ugliest potato can become a beautiful French fry”
Ugly things can become beautiful. For example, an ugly potato can become a beautiful french fry, and who doesn't love a french fry? "The moral of the story...even the ugliest potato can…
“If you’re ever feeling useless, remember that bags of ice have nutritional information”
A bag of ice contains nutritional information. The numbers are usually zero, but that information is there. "Think about this...if you’re ever feeling useless, just remember that ice has…
“If you’re going to be salty, bring the tequila”
"If you're going to be salty, bring the tequila" is a jocular saying (usually referring to drinking margaritas) that has been printed on many images. "It's ok to be salty…
“If you’re gonna burst through the door unannounced, waving a German sausage, knockwurst!”
Knockwurst has nothing to do with knocking on a door, but there are jokes. "If you're gonna burst through the door unannounced, waving a German sausage, knockwurst!" (meaning…
“If you’re interested in both red and green curries, does that make you bicurryous?”
Someone is "bi-curious" if that person is curious about becoming bisexual. "Bicurryous" is a jocular term for a person who likes several curries. "I love trying new kinds…
“If you’re looking for a sign that you should have a glass of wine, this is it”
"If you're looking/waiting for a sign that you should have a glass of wine, this is it" is a jocular drinking saying that has been printed on many images, especially bar and…
“If you’re looking for a sign to drink tonight, this is it”
"If you're looking for a sign to drink tonight, this is it" is a jocular drinking saying that has been printed on many images, especially bar and restaurant signs. "If…
“If you’re looking, you’re not cooking” (“If you’re lookin’, you ain’t cookin’”)
"If/when you're looking, you're not cooking" (or "If/when you're lookin', you ain't cookin'") is a barbecue rule not to constantly look under the…
“If you’re not meant to drink and drive, then why do you need a driver’s license to buy alcohol?”
Entry in progress -- BP “I mostly use my driver’s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive” is a related saying. X/Twitter 🇺🇸Jeff Markise🇺🇸 @MarkiseJeff If you…
“If you’re paying $3 for a bottle of smart water, it isn’t working”
Entry in progress -- BP Wikipedia: Glaceau SmartwaterGlaceau Smartwater (stylized smartwater) is a brand of bottled water owned by Energy Brands. Introduced in 1996 in the United States, by 2016 it…