“I sleep in a castle once every two weeks. It’s my fort night”
A fortnight joke was posted on X/Twitter by FizzySnood on August 23, 2015: " I sleep in a castle once every two weeks. It's my fort night." Wikipedia: Fortnight A fortnight is a unit…
“I stood waving at my neighbor for 10 minutes before realizing she was just cleaning her windows”
"I stood waving to my neighbour for 10 minutes this morning before realising she was just cleaning her windows" is a joke that was posted on Facebook by Paulo Raulino on May 18, 2020. The…
“I study old buildings because I would rather learn from those who built civilization than those who tore it down”
"I read old books because I would rather learn from those who built civilization than those who tore it down" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "A lot of talk about…
“I told my builder I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair”
"Stair" shouldn't be confused with "stare," but there are jokes. "And the time I confused a builder by wanting an unpainted set of steps. He just gave me a blank…
“I told my carpenter I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair”
"Stair" shouldn't be confused with "stare," but there are jokes. "And the time I confused a builder by wanting an unpainted set of steps. He just gave me a blank…
“I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair”
"Stair" shouldn't be confused with "stare," but there are jokes. "And the time I confused a builder by wanting an unpainted set of steps. He just gave me a blank…
“I told my mother-in-law to make herself at home, so she sold the place”
A typical "mother-in-law joke" involves her coming to the son-in-law's house. "Pat told his mother-in-law to make herself at home. She did. She sold it" was printed in the…
“I told my wife that it was her turn to shovel and salt the front steps. All I got was icy stares”
A winter joke was posted on the website Pun of the Day on April 25, 2017: "I told my wife that it was her turn to shovel and salt the front steps. All I got was icy stares." "Icy…
“I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector today” (joke)
Many people take the batteries out of a carbon monoxide detector because of constant false beeping, but often the beeping isn't false. "I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide…
“I used to have a rock garden—they all died”
"I used to have a rock garden -- they all died" is a classic joke. Rocks don't die like plants do, of course. The joke is that the speaker is a very poor gardener. "I once had a…
“I used to live in a tyre, but it got a puncture. Now I just live in a flat”
A British English apartment joke was posted on Twitter on August 19, 2012: "I used to live in a tyre but then I got a puncture, now I live in a flat." "I used to live in a tyre, but…
“I used to own a Bed and Breakfast. Then I ate the breakfast, and now I just own a bed”
"I used to own a Bed and Breakfast. Then I ate the breakfast, and now I just own a bed. I should find a job" is a joke that was posted on Twitter by SickipediaToday on December 29, 2012.…
“I went to a Roman bathroom on the 6th floor. Yes, it was the VI P room”
A "VIP Room" is for Very Important Persons. A joke was posted on Reddit -- Dadjokes,/a> on October 15, 2020: "I went to a Roman bathroom on the 6th floor. Yes, it was the VI P…
“I went to a zoo and it had only one animal—a dog. It was a Shih Tzu”
"I went to a zoo the other day and it had only one animal -- a dog. It was a Shih Tzu (shit zoo)" is a popular joke that has been printed on many images. The joke has been cited in print…
“I will never have a welcome mat at my house ‘cause I ain’t a liar”
Many people don't like visitors at their home. "I don't have a welcome mat at my door/ouse because I'm not a liar" is a saying that has been printed on many images. There…
“I woke up this morning to a robber in my house searching for money. I joined him”
A joke has it that a person (who has no money) is sleeping, but then hears that his house is being robbed: "I woke up this morning to a robber in my house searching for money. I joined…
“I would’ve kept off the grass, but I don’t understand sign language”
There are many "Keep off the Grass" signs. A joke was posted on the website Tearable Puns on September 19, 2014: "I would've kept off the grass, but I don't understand sign…
“I’m a big fan of air circulation”
"I'm a big fan of air circulation devices" is a joke that was posted on Twitter by Mike Sullivan on July 9, 2012. "I'm a big fan of air circulation" was posted on…
“I’m a good housekeeper; every time I get a divorce, I keep the house”
Zsa Zsa Gabor (1917-2016) married nine times. She often told a joke about her marriages and her special housekeeping ability: "I'm a wonderful housekeeper. Every time I'm divorced, I…
“I’m at the age where I appreciate a nice handrail”
"I've reached the age where I appreciate a nice handrail" (or "I'm at the age where I appreciate a nice handrail") is a saying that has been printed on many images.…