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September 15, 2024
Buildings/Housing/Parks

“I act pretty tough for someone who lives in constant fear of ceiling fan blade flying off”

Many people go to sleep with a fear that the ceiling fan will fly off and hit them. "I act pretty tough for someone who lives in constant fear of ceiling fan blade flying off" was posted…

October 28, 2024
Buildings/Housing/Parks

“I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years”

Many people keep junk in the garage. This was posted on X/Twitter by McDad on July 28, 2022: "I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the…

October 10, 2016
Buildings/Housing/Parks

“I am terrified of elevators. I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them”

"I am terrified of elevators. I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them" is an elevator pun that has been printed on many images. "In fact, I'm so opposed to space…

December 7, 2024
Buildings/Housing/Parks

“I am the human version of tangled Christmas lights”

"I am the human version of tangled Christmas lights" is a saying that has been printed on many images. That is, the speaker's life is not in proper working order. "I'm the…

December 7, 2024
Buildings/Housing/Parks

“I am the human version of tangled fairy lights”

"I am the human version of tangled Christmas lights" is a saying that has been printed on many images. That is, the speaker's life is not in proper working order. "I'm the…

February 26, 2026
Buildings/Housing/ParksExercise/Running/Health Clubs

“I assume I burn at least 1,000 calories every time I put a fitted sheet on a bed by myself”

"I burn about 2000 calories every time I put on fitted sheets by myself" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. Putting a itted sheet on a bed can be a challenge.…

March 23, 2020
Buildings/Housing/Parks

“I believe in God and guns. Trespass and you will meet both” (property sign)

"I believe in God and guns. Trespass and you will meet both" is a property sign that has been shown on many images.

December 17, 2017
Buildings/Housing/Parks

“I bought a new weed-whacker today. It’s cutting hedge technology”

"Cutting hedge technology" is a pun on "cutting-edge technology." "Christopher Lloyd treats his garden to cutting-hedge technology" was printed in i> The Guardian…

April 24, 2021
Buildings/Housing/Parks

“I bought one of those ‘smart’ light switches, but it was too clever for me..” (joke)

"Dimmer" switches aren't less intelligent than "smart" switches -- they're just less bright. A joke was posted on Twitter by TAYLOR (and others) on April 13, 2021:…

November 15, 2020
Buildings/Housing/Parks

“I brought a home pregnancy kit. Turns out my house is pregnant”

A "home pregnancy test" is a pregnancy test done at home. It is not a test to see if a home is pregnant, but there are jokes. "I see home pregnancy tests advertised, but I've…

February 26, 2026
Buildings/Housing/ParksExercise/Running/Health Clubs

“I burn about 2000 calories every time I put on fitted sheets by myself”

"I burn about 2000 calories every time I put on fitted sheets by myself" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. Putting a itted sheet on a bed can be a challenge.…

June 26, 2020
Buildings/Housing/Parks

“I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…” (joke)

A group of crows is a "murder." "There was a murder on my front lawn this afternoon. Fortunately, it was just a lot of crows" was posted on Twitter by Glenn Peters on December…

August 9, 2022
Buildings/Housing/Parks

“I can’t stand broken tripods”

The term "I can't stand" (meaning "I hate") usually doesn't involve standing, but there are jokes. "I can't stand broken tripods" was posted on Twitter…

January 3, 2025
Buildings/Housing/Parks

“I can’t vacuum. I lost a puzzle piece 3 years ago”

Many people have an excuse not to vacuum the floor -- something was lost that needs to be found first. "my floor is disgusting but i can't vacuum until i find my earring" was posted…

October 25, 2024
Buildings/Housing/ParksTime/Weather

“I can’t believe it’s already that time of year again when I have to rake the leaves into my neighbor’s yard”

"I can’t believe it’s already that time of year again when I have to rake the leaves into my neighbor’s yard" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images.…

October 25, 2024
Buildings/Housing/ParksTime/Weather

“I can’t believe it’s already the time of year again when I have to rake my leaves into my neighbor’s yard”

"I can’t believe it’s already that time of year again when I have to rake the leaves into my neighbor’s yard" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images.…

October 3, 2015
Buildings/Housing/Parks

“I childproofed the house, but they still get in”

To "waterproof" a house is to make sure that no water gets inside. To "childproof" a house, however, means that the house is a safe environment for children. A popular joke is:…

February 5, 2017
Buildings/Housing/Parks

“I cleaned the attic with my wife. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair”

There are two jokes about "cleaning the attic with my/the wife." The first version was posted to the newsgroup alt.quotations on November 26, 1993 and has been credited to British…

January 3, 2026
Buildings/Housing/ParksPets (Dogs, Cats, Horses)

“I don’t care how cool your cat is. You have a box of shit in your house”

Many people like cats, but almost everyone hates litter boxes. This was posted on Facebook by Jacob Stahler on June 27, 2022, and it received over 56,000 shares: "I dont care how cool your cat…

June 19, 2024
Buildings/Housing/Parks

“I don’t care what people think of me. At least mosquitoes find me attractive”

"I don't care what people think of me. At least mosquitoes find me attractive" is a saying that has been printed on many images. That is, by "find me attractive" it's…

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About the Website and Editor

BARRY POPIK is a contributor to the Oxford English Dictionary, Dictionary of American Regional English, Historical Dictionary of American Slang, Yale Book of Quotations and Dictionary of Modern Proverbs. Since 1990 he has also been a regular contributor to Gerald Cohen's Comments on Etymology.

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