“How to fall down stairs” (a step-by-step guide)
"spoken-not-written: how to fall down the stairs: a step by step guide by me. http://tmblr.co/Z26_txpZCtlO" was posted on Twitter on July 13, 2013. When people fall down the stairs, they…
“Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them”
"Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. The saying was posted on X/Twitter by Just Bill on…
“I act pretty tough for someone who lives in constant fear of ceiling fan blade flying off”
Many people go to sleep with a fear that the ceiling fan will fly off and hit them. "I act pretty tough for someone who lives in constant fear of ceiling fan blade flying off" was posted…
“I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years”
Many people keep junk in the garage. This was posted on X/Twitter by McDad on July 28, 2022: "I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the…
“I am terrified of elevators. I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them”
"I am terrified of elevators. I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them" is an elevator pun that has been printed on many images. "In fact, I'm so opposed to space…
“I am the human version of tangled Christmas lights”
"I am the human version of tangled Christmas lights" is a saying that has been printed on many images. That is, the speaker's life is not in proper working order. "I'm the…
“I am the human version of tangled fairy lights”
"I am the human version of tangled Christmas lights" is a saying that has been printed on many images. That is, the speaker's life is not in proper working order. "I'm the…
“I assume I burn at least 1,000 calories every time I put a fitted sheet on a bed by myself”
"I burn about 2000 calories every time I put on fitted sheets by myself" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. Putting a itted sheet on a bed can be a challenge.…
“I believe in God and guns. Trespass and you will meet both” (property sign)
"I believe in God and guns. Trespass and you will meet both" is a property sign that has been shown on many images.
“I bought a new weed-whacker today. It’s cutting hedge technology”
"Cutting hedge technology" is a pun on "cutting-edge technology." "Christopher Lloyd treats his garden to cutting-hedge technology" was printed in i> The Guardian…
“I bought one of those ‘smart’ light switches, but it was too clever for me..” (joke)
"Dimmer" switches aren't less intelligent than "smart" switches -- they're just less bright. A joke was posted on Twitter by TAYLOR (and others) on April 13, 2021:…
“I brought a home pregnancy kit. Turns out my house is pregnant”
A "home pregnancy test" is a pregnancy test done at home. It is not a test to see if a home is pregnant, but there are jokes. "I see home pregnancy tests advertised, but I've…
“I burn about 2000 calories every time I put on fitted sheets by myself”
"I burn about 2000 calories every time I put on fitted sheets by myself" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. Putting a itted sheet on a bed can be a challenge.…
“I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…” (joke)
A group of crows is a "murder." "There was a murder on my front lawn this afternoon. Fortunately, it was just a lot of crows" was posted on Twitter by Glenn Peters on December…
“I can’t stand broken tripods”
The term "I can't stand" (meaning "I hate") usually doesn't involve standing, but there are jokes. "I can't stand broken tripods" was posted on Twitter…
“I can’t vacuum. I lost a puzzle piece 3 years ago”
Many people have an excuse not to vacuum the floor -- something was lost that needs to be found first. "my floor is disgusting but i can't vacuum until i find my earring" was posted…
“I can’t believe it’s already that time of year again when I have to rake the leaves into my neighbor’s yard”
"I can’t believe it’s already that time of year again when I have to rake the leaves into my neighbor’s yard" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images.…
“I can’t believe it’s already the time of year again when I have to rake my leaves into my neighbor’s yard”
"I can’t believe it’s already that time of year again when I have to rake the leaves into my neighbor’s yard" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images.…
“I childproofed the house, but they still get in”
To "waterproof" a house is to make sure that no water gets inside. To "childproof" a house, however, means that the house is a safe environment for children. A popular joke is:…
“I cleaned the attic with my wife. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair”
There are two jokes about "cleaning the attic with my/the wife." The first version was posted to the newsgroup alt.quotations on November 26, 1993 and has been credited to British…