“I brought a home pregnancy kit. Turns out my house is pregnant”
A "home pregnancy test" is a pregnancy test done at home. It is not a test to see if a home is pregnant, but there are jokes. "I see home pregnancy tests advertised, but I've…
“I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…” (joke)
A group of crows is a "murder." "There was a murder on my front lawn this afternoon. Fortunately, it was just a lot of crows" was posted on Twitter by Glenn Peters on December…
“I can’t stand broken tripods”
The term "I can't stand" (meaning "I hate") usually doesn't involve standing, but there are jokes. "I can't stand broken tripods" was posted on Twitter…
“I can’t believe it’s already that time of year again when I have to rake the leaves into my neighbor’s yard”
"I can’t believe it’s already that time of year again when I have to rake the leaves into my neighbor’s yard" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images.…
“I can’t believe it’s already the time of year again when I have to rake my leaves into my neighbor’s yard”
"I can’t believe it’s already that time of year again when I have to rake the leaves into my neighbor’s yard" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images.…
“I childproofed the house, but they still get in”
To "waterproof" a house is to make sure that no water gets inside. To "childproof" a house, however, means that the house is a safe environment for children. A popular joke is:…
“I cleaned the attic with my wife. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair”
There are two jokes about "cleaning the attic with my/the wife." The first version was posted to the newsgroup alt.quotations on November 26, 1993 and has been credited to British…
“I don’t care what people think of me. At least mosquitoes find me attractive”
"I don't care what people think of me. At least mosquitoes find me attractive" is a saying that has been printed on many images. That is, by "find me attractive" it's…
“I don’t care what people think of me. Mosquitoes find me attractive”
"I don't care what people think of me. At least mosquitoes find me attractive" is a saying that has been printed on many images. That is, by "find me attractive" it's…
“I don’t have a welcome mat at my door because I’m not a liar”
Many people don't like visitors at their home. "I don't have a welcome mat at my door/ouse because I'm not a liar" is a saying that has been printed on many images. There…
“I don’t have a welcome mat at my house because I’m not a liar”
Many people don't like visitors at their home. "I don't have a welcome mat at my door/ouse because I'm not a liar" is a saying that has been printed on many images. There…
“I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something”
Entry in progress -- B.P. TwitterSteve Mazepa@zepadeedoodahStairs are always up to something...10:20 PM - 4 Aug 2011 TwitterNegrito Cobblepot@tiptopstopWhy can't you trust stairs?…
“I don’t trust trees. They’re shady”
"I don't trust trees. They're shady" is a pun that has been printed on several images. "RT @LateUpdate You can't trust trees. Don't ask why; there's just…
“I don’t understand why bugs come inside when they got the WHOLE OUTSIDE”
"I don't understand why bugs come inside when they got the WHOLE OUTSIDE" is a saying that has been printed on many images "Bugs Have so much outside, why they so pressed to…
“I don’t like stairlifts. They drive me up the wall”
Do stairlifts drive people up a wall (an expression meaning "crazy")? "I don't think I would ever purchase a stairlift. They would drive me up the wall" was posted on…
“I don’t think I’ve ever cleaned my bathroom mirror, which reflects badly on me”
Something that "reflects badly" on someone is usually not meant literally, but there are jokes. "I need to look at cleaning my bathroom mirror its really dirty. It reflects badly on…
“I don’t understand why bugs come inside when they got a WHOLE outside!!”
"I don't understand why bugs come inside when they got the WHOLE OUTSIDE" is a saying that has been printed on many images "Bugs Have so much outside, why they so pressed to…
“I don’t understand why bugs come inside when they have a whole outside to themselves”
"I don't understand why bugs come inside when they got the WHOLE OUTSIDE" is a saying that has been printed on many images "Bugs Have so much outside, why they so pressed to…
“I dusted once. It came back. I’m not falling for that again”
"Dusted once. It came back. Not falling for that again" (or "I dusted once. It came back. I'm not falling for that again") is a jocular saying that has been printed on many…
“I farted in an elevator. It was wrong on so many levels”
"From Chris Purdy's Facebook Status: I farted in the lift at work this morning.... it was wrong on so many levels" was posted on Twitter on October 7, 2009. "I farted in an…