"Instead of John, I call my bathroom Jim. That way it sounds better when I say I went to the Jim first thing this morning" is a jocular gym saying that has been printed on many images.…
"I'VE DECIDED TO WRITE MY TWEETS IN CAPITALS. I WROTE THIS ONE IN PARIS" is a jocular saying that has been printed -- sometimes all in capitals, sometimes not -- about various…
"I've deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo" is a saying meaning that the speaker changes thoughts so often, something permanent (a tattoo on the…
"I've deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo" is a saying meaning that the speaker changes thoughts so often, something permanent (a tattoo on the…
"I've done some terrible things for money, like getting up early and going to work" (or "I have done terrible things for money, like getting up early to go to work") is a…
"I've failed math so many times I can't even count" is a jocular line that has been printed on T-shirts and ecards. "I failed maths so many times I can't even…
"I've found the key to happiness. Stay away from assholes" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "I have found the key to happiness... Stay away from…
A joke about working in the circus was posted on Twitter by Jem Brookes on February 11, 2012: "I've given up my job in the circus because it was too difficult to juggle work and…
Oxo stock cubes (a food brand) has been the subject of "Oxo moron" (oxymoron) jokes. "What do you call someone who can't make stock from a cube? An oxo moron!…
"Currant" (a dried berry) sounds like "current." "My currant girlfriend just dumped me. I guess everything happens for a raisin," English comedian Darren Walsh posted…
People on a human chess board work as kings, queens, bishops, knights, rooks and pawns. A joke was posted on Twitter on September 8, 2014: "I've just started work as a human chess…
"I've got a million of 'em" is what Manhattan-born actor and comedian Jimmy Durante (1893-1980) often said after telling a corny joke. The line probably originated in the…
U.S. President Barack Obama said on January 14, 2014, that if Congress didn't act on legislation, he would try to go around that legislative body: “I’ve got a pen and I’ve got a…
Entry in progress -- B.P. Wikipedia: Henny YoungmanHenry "Henny" Youngman (original Yiddish surname Yungman; 16 March 1906 – 24 February 1998) was an English-born American comedian and…
"I've got it all together. I just forgot where I put it" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "I Finally Got It All Together, But I Forgot Where I Put…
"I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate" (or "I got mood poisoning at work. It must be something I hate") -- a pun on "food poisoning" and…
A joke about genetically modified food is: "I don't know what all the fuss is about genetically modified food. I had a lovely leg of salmon the other day." The "leg of…
An Easter joke is: Wife: What are your plans for Easter?Husband: Same as Jesus..I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday. The joke was posted on Twitter by MAHLEKZA on April 3, 2015.…
Many airport jokes/puns involve the double meaning of the word "terminal." "Airport puns go! I'm trying not to contract any diseases while waiting to board my plane. I hear…
A joke has an employee calling a boss and explaining that he/she is not feeling well and suffers from "anal blindness." What is anal blindness? "I can't see my ass/arse coming…