“I put ketchup in my eyes today. In Heinzsight, it was a bad idea”
"Hindsight" is sometimes joked as "Heinzsight" (involving Heinz ketchup). "Pouring ketchup in my eyes was a mistake in Heinz sight" was posted on Twitter by IVESGAGS…
Food/Drink
“I put my heart and soul into my work, and have lost my mind in the process”
"'I put my heart and soul into my work, and have half lost my mind in the process.' VINCENT VAN GOGH" was printed in the book Vincent Van Gogh, 1853-1890: Vision and Reality…
“I put my phone on airplane mode. Now it won’t stop calling me Shirley”
The comedy movie Airplane! (1980) has this classic joke: Striker: Surely you can't be serious?Rumack: I am serious. And don't call me Shirley. A joke on the term "airplane mode"…
“I put my phone on airplane mode. Now it won’t stop calling me Shirley”
The comedy movie Airplane! (1980) has this classic joke: Striker: Surely you can't be serious?Rumack: I am serious. And don't call me Shirley. A joke on the term "airplane mode"…
“I put my wife’s chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers. It gets her Snickers in a Twix”
The expression "get one's knickers in a twist" shouldn't be confused with "Snickers in a Twix," but there are jokes. Snickers and Twix are chocolate bars.…
“I put the thingamabob inside the whatchamacallit, turned the doohickey…”
Folksy "placeholder" words sound more ridiculous in the same sentence. "I've told them a hundred times 'Don't touch the whatchamacallit because it will make the…
“I question the timing” (IQTT)
"I question the timing" means that someone suspects political motivation behind an action. For example, a politician in New York City used to have high publicity porn busts right before…
“I quit as a taxi driver. Couldn’t stand all the people talking behind my back”
A taxi joke has the driver quit because people were talking behind his back. "(Mickey -- ed.) Finn crowd-pleases with some classic taxi humour like: 'That's what I hate about this…
“I quit my job crushing cans. It was soda pressing”
"Soda pressing" is a pun for "so depressing." A rock song titled "Soda Pressing" by the punk group Boys was released in 1977. "He had a soft drink while catching…
“I quit my job over religious differences. My boss thought he was God and I didn’t”
A popular marriage joke was posted on the newsgroup alt.humor.jewish on November 4, 2000: "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't."…
“I quit my job testing treadmills. I felt I wasn’t going anywhere”
"I bet testing treadmills is a great starter job. Seems like it could really get a career up and running..." is a joke that was posted on Twitter by Nancy on September 28, 2012. "My…
“I quit my job working at a helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice”
"I quit my job working at a helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice" is a joke that has been printed on several images. The joke has been cited in print since at…
“I quit smoking cold turkey” (joke)
"Cold turkey" is defined as a sudden stop to a dependency (such as smoking or drugs). A pun on the "cold turkey" term appeared in New York magazine on November 20, 1978: "I…
“I ran 5 miles for the first time. I didn’t think that ice cream truck would ever stop!”
Some people run...for ice cream? "I Ran Five Miles Today.....Damn Ice Cream Truck Still Didn't Stop...Even Though I Was Yellin & Wavin My Money At Him!!" was posted on Twitter on…
“I ran 5 miles for the first time. I didn’t think that ice cream truck would ever stop!”
Some people run...for ice cream? "I Ran Five Miles Today.....Damn Ice Cream Truck Still Didn't Stop...Even Though I Was Yellin & Wavin My Money At Him!!" was posted on Twitter on…
“I ran into a lamppost yesterday. Luckily, I only sustained light injuries”
"I ran into a lamppost. But I only have light injuries" is a pun that was posted on Reddit -- Dadjokes on July 18, 2020. "I ran into a lamppost yesterday. Luckily, I only sustained…
“I ran out of coffee this morning. Tequila seemed a reasonable replacement. Everyone is so pretty”
"I ran out of coffee this morning. Tequila seemed a reasonable replacement. Everyone is so pretty" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "I ran out of coffee this…
“I ran out of toilet paper, so have begun using old newspapers… The Times are rough”
The 2019–20 coronavirus pandemic resulted in toilet paper shortages -- and jokes. This was posted on Reddit -- Dadjokes on March 18, 2020: "I ran out of toilet paper, so have begun using old…
“I ran over 5 miles today. Like, what are the odds they were all named Miles? Crazy”
People named "Miles" should not be confused with actual "miles," but there are jokes. "I actually meant to say I ran over 4 people named Miles" was posted on Twitter…
“I ran twice today. First I ran out of beer, and then I ran to get some more”
"I ran twice today. First I ran out of beer, and then I ran to get some more" is a jocular saying about running that has been printed on many images. "I ran twice today, first i ran…