“I shot someone with a starting gun. I’ve been charged with race crime”
Is a crime at a running race a race crime? There's a joke: "I shot someone with a starting gun. I've been charged with race crime." The pun was cited on Twitter on October 7,…
Food/Drink
“I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I’m in whey over my head”
"I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk, I'm in whey over my head" is a joke with a popular whey/way pun. The oneliner was posted on Twitter by Tony Cowards on…
“I shouldn’t have had seafood because now I’m feeling a little eel”
"I knew I shouldn't have had the seafood because now I'm feeling a little eel" is a jocular one-liner that has been printed on many images. "You'll have to excuse me,…
“I signed up for Binary 101, but it turns out it’s a level 5 course”
Many introductory college courses end in "101." But what if the course is Binary 101? (101 is 5 in binary.) "I failed Binary 101.I said it was 6. http://bit.ly/1a78s7q via…
“I skip Black Friday because my hatred of mankind outweighs my love for stuff”
"I skip Black Friday because my hatred of mankind outweighs my love for stuff" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. Many people try to avoid the Black Friday shopping…
“I slapped a statue’s ass. I’ve officially hit rock bottom”
"Rock bottom" is the lowest level or point. A joke about stone statues is: "I slapped a statue's ass. I've officially hit rock bottom." "I slapped a statue on the…
“I sleep better naked. Why can’t the flight attendant understand this?”
"I sleep better naked. Why can't the flight attendant understand this?" is a jocular saying about sleeping on an airplane that has been printed on many images. "I always sleep…
“I sleep better naked. Why can’t the flight attendants understand this?”
"I sleep better naked. Why can't the flight attendant(s) understand this?" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. Authorship is uncertain. "I sleep better…
“I sleep in a castle once every two weeks. It’s my fort night”
A fortnight joke was posted on X/Twitter by FizzySnood on August 23, 2015: " I sleep in a castle once every two weeks. It's my fort night." Wikipedia: Fortnight A fortnight is a unit…
“I slept in a bed of rice last night. I was asleep as soon as my head hit the pilau”
"Pilaf" (U.S. spelling) is a rice dish that is spelled "pilau" in the United Kingdom, and, of course, there are "pillow" jokes. "I slept in a bed of rice last…
“I sold fake eclipse glasses. but those suckers will never see me again”
There was a solar eclipse on August 21, 2017. A joke was posted on Reddit -- Jokes on August 24, 2017: "This past week I made a couple bucks selling fake eclipse glasses. I'm not to…
“I sometimes wonder if Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima are married to each other”
Uncle Ben's is a brand name for rice products. Aunt Jemima is a brand name for pancake mixes and syrups. People sometimes joke that Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima are married, and this has been…
“I souport publik edukashun”
"Public education" is often jocularly misspelled "publik edukashun" to ridicule its quality. ""Another brilyunt mind diztroyed by the publik edukashun sistum" has…
“I speak fluent French (fries)”
"I speak French (fries)" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "I speak fluent French (fries)" has also been printed on many images. "I speak French…
“I speak French (fries)”
"I speak French (fries)" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "I speak fluent French (fries)" has also been printed on many images. "I speak French…
“I spend a lot of time holding the fridge door open looking for answers”
"I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer" is a one-line saying that has been printed on many images. The saying was posted on Twitter by Andy…
“I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer”
"I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer" is a one-line saying that has been printed on many images. The saying was posted on Twitter by Andy…
“I spent $1,000, but the limo had no driver. All that money with nothing to chauffeur it”
"Chauffeur" can sound like "show for." "I hate my job as a personal limo driver. A lot of long hours with nothing to chauffeur it..." was posted on Twitter by 🎗…
“I spent a year in that town, one Sunday”
"I spent a year in that town, one Sunday" is what someone from a big city might say about a small town. The quote has been cited in print since at least 1937 and has been credited to…
“I spent four years in college and didn’t learn anything. Double majored in psych & reverse psych”
American actor, writer and comedian B. J. Novak told this joke in his stand-up comedy act by at least 2003: "I learned nothing in college. It really was kind of my own fault. I had a double…