“I got so much procrastinating done today”
"I got so much procrastinating done today" is a jocular work saying that has been printed on many images. "Got up early so I could get more procrastinating done today. Only managed…
Food/Drink
“I got so pissed last night, I don’t remember getting home from the kitchen” (quarantine)
The 2019–20 coronavirus pandemic forced many people to stay at home in quarantine. "It's driving me crazy not going out. I was that pissed last night I don't remember getting home…
“I got stung by a bee yesterday. Twenty dollars for a jar of honey!”
A bee stings, but it usually doesn't have a sting operation -- that is, to catch suckers. "IT'S early evening in a south London pub and Robbie Williams -- for so long dubbed `the…
“I got thrown out of a strip club last night for using Monopoly money”
"Monopoly money" (from the board game Monopoly
“I got thrown out of the zoo for making a parrot laugh. Polly tickle correctness!”
"Politics" is sometimes jocularly written as "polly tics," and there's a "polly" joke about "political correctness." "@DanRebellato *starts car*…
“I got voted ‘least likely to succeed’ by my high school class” (joke)
A teacher joke was posted by Jamie Tighe on Twitter on January 21, 2014: "I got voted 'Least Likely To Succeed' by my high school class. Christ I hate being a teacher." The joke…
“I gotta get my life together. This damn heat made me realize I can’t go to hell”
"I gotta get my life together. This damn heat made me realize I can’t go to hell" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "It's hot af fam. This weather made…
“I grew up all my life believing I was Irish. But thanks to Ancestry, I now know I’m just a drunk”
AncestryDNA tests for ethnicity. A popular St. Patrick's Day joke is about a test for Irish roots. "I grew up all my life believing I was Irish. But thanks to http://ancestry.Com I now…
“I grew up surrounded by poverty—my maid was poor, my butler was poor ...” (joke)
An old joke describes a rich person who claims to have grown up surrounded by poverty -- the maid was poor, the butler was poor, the chauffeur was poor and the gardener was poor. The joke dates to…
“I grilled a chicken for two hours yesterday…” (joke)
"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"To get to the other side" is a classic riddle from the 19th century. A popular joke variation is: "I grilled a chicken for two hours…
“I guess that people who run marathons for fun haven’t heard about sex and booze”
"I guess that people who run marathons for fun haven’t heard about sex and booze" and "I bet people who run marathons for fun haven't heard about sex and alcohol" are…
“I Guess the Lord Must Be in New York City” (1969)
Harry Nilsson wrote "I Guess the Lord Must Be in New York City" for the movie Midnight Cowboy (1969), but the director used Nilsson's "Everybody's Talkin'"…
“I had a continental breakfast. Unfortunately, the continent was Africa”
Many hotels serve continental breakfasts. One joke is that some serve African continent breakfasts -- that is, not much food. "I'd forgotten how broadly interpreted Continental Breakfast…
“I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram! I was like, 0mg!”
"OMG" (Oh My God) shouldn't be confused with "0mg" (no milligrams), but there are jokes. "I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was,…
“I had a dream I was driving a Ferrari last night. I was fast, asleep”
This pun was posted on Reddit -- Jokes on April 28, 2022: "I had a dream I was driving a Ferrari last night... I was fast, asleep." A Ferrari is an Italian luxury sports car that can go…
“I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper—dicing with death”
English writer and comedian Tim Vine has a frequently told one-line joke about dicing carrots: "I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper -- dicing with…
“I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars. It was an auto body experience”
"Auto body experience" is a pun on "out-of-body-experience," and there are many jokes. "Did you hear about the clairvoyant who repaired his fender bender? He had an auto…
“I had a dream that I was drowning in orange soda. Turned out it was just a Fanta sea”
Fanta is a fruit-flavored carbonated drink (often orange flavor). "Fanta Sea" (fantasy) is a pun that has been printed on many images. "If Kel loves orange soda, swimming in it would…
“I had a dream that I was swimming in orange soda. Turned out it was just a Fanta sea”
Fanta is a fruit-flavored carbonated drink (often orange flavor). "Fanta Sea" (fantasy) is a pun that has been printed on many images. "If Kel loves orange soda, swimming in it would…
“I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda. It was a Fanta sea”
Fanta is a fruit-flavored carbonated drink (often orange flavor). "Fanta Sea" (fantasy) is a pun that has been printed on many images. "If Kel loves orange soda, swimming in it would…