“I bought my wig at a discount store. Didn’t want toupee full price”
"Toupee" sounds like "to pay." A joke was posted on Sickipedia on December 20, 2019: "I bought my wig at a discount store. Didn't want toupee full price."…
Food/Drink
“I bought one of those ‘smart’ light switches, but it was too clever for me..” (joke)
"Dimmer" switches aren't less intelligent than "smart" switches -- they're just less bright. A joke was posted on Twitter by TAYLOR (and others) on April 13, 2021:…
“I bought powdered water, but I don’t know what to add to it”
"Just add water" is a popular direction on simple recipes or product instructions. "I bought powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it" is a joke that has been…
“I bought some HP sauce the other day. It’s costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years”
HP Sauce is a brown sauce popular in the United Kingdom. British prop comedian and magician Tommy Cooper (1921-1984) was credited in 2001 for this joke: "I bought some HP sauce the other day.…
“I bought some pepper spray yesterday. What a terrible product! It made my bolognese taste awful”
Pepper spray is not a food product, but there are jokes. "On recommendation of a buddy I bought some pepper spray. Must say, it does not taste half as good as I would have hoped" was…
“I bought some rocket salad yesterday, but it went off before I could eat it”
"Rocket salad" doesn't contain rocketships, but there's a joke: "I bought some rocket salad yesterday, but it went off before I could eat it." The joke was posted on…
“I bought some serving spoons, but they haven’t made me any better at tennis”
"Serving spoons" don't have anything to do with tennis serves, but there are jokes. "I bought some serving spoons, but they haven't made me any better at tennis" was…
“I brake for butterflies” (bumper sticker)
"I brake for butterflies" is a bumper sticker saying that has been printed on many images. The bumper sticker has been cited in print since at least 1981. Newspapers.com 30 October 1981,…
“I brake for no reason” (bumper sticker)
"CAUTION: I brake for no apparent reason" (or "WARNING: I brake for no apparent reason") is a bumper sticker saying that has been printed on many images. "New Driver -- I…
“I broke up with my gym. We were not working out”
"I broke up with my gym; we were just not working out" is a jocular saying that has been printed on T-shirts. "I broke up with my Gym, we were not working out" was cited on…
“I brought a home pregnancy kit. Turns out my house is pregnant”
A "home pregnancy test" is a pregnancy test done at home. It is not a test to see if a home is pregnant, but there are jokes. "I see home pregnancy tests advertised, but I've…
“I build yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof”
"Sales/Profits are going through the roof” is an expression meaning that a business is generating a lot of money. One pun on "sales"/"sails" is: "I started a…
“I burnt my Hawaiian pizza. I should’ve put it on aloha setting”
A popular Hawaiian pizza pun is: "I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night... I should've put it on aloha setting." That is, "a lower" oven temperature setting. "I just…
“I buy fresh vegetables every day. I feed them to my pig and he converts them into bacon”
"I buy/pick fresh vegetables every day. I feed them to my pig and he converts them into bacon" is a jocular saying that has been printed on several images. "HEALTHY EATING #36 I BUY…
“I buy store brand Spanish rice, not name brands. As they say, ‘Arroz by any other name…’”
"Arroz" (the Spanish word for "rice") can sound like "a "rose." "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet" is a famous line from William…
“I call bravo sierra” (“I call bullshit”)
"Bravo sierra" means, using the phonetic alphabet, the letters "B" and "S," and stands for the words "bull shit" (or "bullshit"). "I think…
“I call myself terms and conditions because y’all keep ignoring me”
People often ignore reading terms and conditions. "RT @Abbyglasby: Being ignored so much I call myself Terms & Conditions" was posted on Twitter by سارة on October 3, 2012.…
“I called my stockbroker today and asked him, ‘What are you buying?’ He said, ‘Canned goods’”
"Called my stockbroker this morning and asked him what I should be buying? He said, "Canned goods and ammunition'" is a saying that has been printed on several images. That is,…
“I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up Fish and Chips” (joke)
A joke about "picking up fish and chips" has the food item as proper names. "I phoned my wife. 'Do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?' I think she still…
“I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…” (joke)
A group of crows is a "murder." "There was a murder on my front lawn this afternoon. Fortunately, it was just a lot of crows" was posted on Twitter by Glenn Peters on December…