“I bet people who run marathons for fun haven’t heard about sex and alcohol”
"I guess that people who run marathons for fun haven’t heard about sex and booze" and "I bet people who run marathons for fun haven't heard about sex and alcohol" are…
Food/Drink
“I bet Spider-Man could make a lot of money putting up Christmas lights in New York”
The fictional comic superhero Spider-Man climbs buildings and shoots his spider webs across New York City, but perhaps he could have a second career hanging Christmas lights? "Dear spiderman…
“I bet when cannibals go on a diet they order the chef salad”
"Chef salad" is salad prepared by a chef (or according to a chef's directions). "Chef salad" doesn't contain any chefs as an ingredient, but there are several cannibal…
“I better get a good grade on my son’s science fair project”
Many parents do most of the work on a child's science fair project. "I hope I get an A on my daughter's science fair project" was posted on Twitter by Andie Johnson on January…
“I bought a 12 year old scotch. His parents weren’t pleased”
There's a difference between "buying a 12 year old (bottle of) scotch" and "buying a 12 year old (person) scotch." A joke was posted on Twitter on January 25, 2013:…
“I bought a book called ‘Mathematics for dummies.’ All the answers were wrong”
For Dummies is a series of instructional/reference books. A joke was posted on Twitter by Bob Kostic on June 17, 2012: "I bought a book called 'Mathematics for dummies'. All the…
“I bought a half-chicken at Whole Foods for 20% off and now all math is meaningless to me”
Can you buy a half chicken at Whole Foods? The joke was popularized by American stand-up comedian and actor Brody Stevens (1970-2019). "Whole Foods? Once bought a half-chicken there. Get it?…
“I bought a Jewish sports car. It not only stops on a dime, it picks it up”
American singer, songwriter and novelist Kinky Friedman joked on the Jewish reputation for being tight with money. "Y'know the definition of a Jewish Cadillac? It stops on a dime and…
“I bought a Jewish sports car. It not only stops on a dime, it picks it up”
American singer, songwriter and novelist Kinky Friedman joked on the Jewish reputation for being tight with money. "Y'know the definition of a Jewish Cadillac? It stops on a dime and…
“I bought a knife that can cut through four loaves of bread at once. It’s a four loaf cleaver”
"Four loaf cleaver" is a spoonerism for "four leaf clover." The jocular "four loaf cleaver" has been cited in print since at least 1948 and 1957. Newspapers.com25 June…
“I bought a new weed-whacker today. It’s cutting hedge technology”
"Cutting hedge technology" is a pun on "cutting-edge technology." "Christopher Lloyd treats his garden to cutting-hedge technology" was printed in i> The Guardian…
“I bought a pancake, but I was rather disappointed. It tasted nothing like a pan”
Pancakes aren't made of pans, but there are jokes. "I bought a pancake but had to take it back to the shops.... Didn't taste anything like a pan" was posted on Twitter by 3AM on…
“I bought a second-hand time machine next Tuesday…”
There are many time travel jokes. "MATT KING on THE STAND-UP SHOW: 'I bought a second-hand time machine about three weeks from now. It was useless, it broke down tomorrow'" is a…
“I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage, but I can park anywhere”
UPS delivery drivers get plenty of parking tickets, but the vehicles are still often parked where regular cars cannot. A joke is: "I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage, but I can…
“I bought an alcoholic ginger beer. He wasn’t happy about it”
"Buying an alcoholic ginger beer" can be interpreted as buying "alcoholic ginger beer," or as buying an alcoholic a "ginger beer" (usually non-alcoholic), or as buying…
“I bought an exercise machine, but when I assembled it, a message kept flashing up…” (joke)
A "cross-trainer" (elliptical trainer) is not the same thing as a "trainer who is cross," but there are jokes. This was posted on Twitter by Bob Kostic on January 10, 2018:…
“I bought an expensive ruler, just for good measure”
The expression "for good measure" usually doesn't involve actual measuring, but there are jokes. "I needed to buy a new ruler and they were 2 for 50p. I bought an extra one for…
“I bought bath salts, but my bath still tastes bland”
Bath salts are not for eating baths -- and there is no "bath peppers" -- but there are jokes. "For the woman you love, how about bath salts? And for the woman you hate how about bath…
“I bought cherries and cherry bombs. Bought a Bing, bought a boom”
"Bada bing, bada boom!" is an expression to emphasize something regarded as surprising, sudden, effortlessly achieved or impressive. There have been many puns on the expression, with a…
“I bought my mom a fridge for Christmas” (joke)
Faces "light up" when people receive gifts. Steve Toyne posted on Twitter on November 5, 2010 and reposted as a Christmas joke on December 22, 2014: "I bought my girlfriend a fridge…