“I just bought a new answering machine. What should I ask it?”
A telephone "answering machine" does not answer questions, but there are jokes. "I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???" was posted on Twitter by Labyrinth…
Food/Drink
“I just bought a new television remote control with fifty buttons. I was quite surprised they allowed me to pay with buttons”
"I just bought a TV remote control with three buttons. I was surprised they let me pay with buttons" was posted on X/Twitter by Crap Jokes on July 8, 2015. The first line of the joke…
“I just bought a TV remote control with three buttons. I was surprised they let me pay with buttons”
"I just bought a TV remote control with three buttons. I was surprised they let me pay with buttons" was posted on X/Twitter by Crap Jokes on July 8, 2015. The first line of the joke…
“I just bought one of those real life sex dolls and she’s so realistic she just wants to be friends”
Some men are so unfortunate that they can't get lucky with a sex doll. "I'm terrible with women. Even my sex doll only wants to be friends" was posted on Twitter by Hasan LaLa…
“I just burned 1,200 calories. I forgot the pizza in the oven”
"I just burned 1,200 calories. I forgot the pizza in the oven" is a joke that has been printed on several ecards. "I just burned 800 calories! My microwave fried my Hot Pockets…
“I just can’t handle automatic doors”
Automatic doors open without touching them. "I just can’t handle automatic doors" was posted on Twitter by David Lamb on June 3, 2019. "I JUST CAN'T HANDLE AUTOMATIC…
“I just can’t see myself wearing camouflage”
"Can't ever see myself wearing camouflage" is a joke that was posted on Twitter by Doug on July 12, 2012. "I can't see myself wearing camouflage" was posted on Twitter…
“I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again”
Why do cats sometimes lick a bar of soap? Cats clean themselves, but they don't use soap for that. Is it because cats use swear words and have to "wash out the mouth with soap"?…
“I just cleared out some space in the freezer sounds much more productive than I had ice cream”
"I just cleared out some space in the freezer sounds much more productive than I just polished off a pint of ice cream" is a meme that has been cited since at least May 2, 2021. The…
“I just Clorox wiped a bottle of Purell and Purelled my hands cuz I touched the Clorox canister”
Entry in progress -- B.P. Wikipedia: 2019-20 coronavirus outbreakThe 2019–20 coronavirus pandemic is an ongoing global pandemic of coronavirus disease 2019 (COVID-19), caused by severe acute…
“I just crashed my Kia. Now I have Nokia”
Kia (a car) shouldn't be confused with Nokia (a phone), but there are jokes. "I drove my Kia into a river. Now i have Nokia" was posted on Twitter by Nick Bongston on August 27,…
“I just don’t want to look back and think, ‘I could’ve eaten that’”
"I just don't want to look back and think, 'I could've eaten that'" is a jocular line that has been printed on GIFs. "I just don’t want to look back and think,…
“I just donated $100 to a blind children’s charity, not that the kids will ever see any of it”
Many charities have high overhead, and the donated money doesn't reach the purpose of the charity. A joke was posted on Twitter by Sickipedia on January 3, 2012: "I just donated a…
“I just dropped a heavy box of berries on my foot. Now I cranberry walk”
"Cranberry" can sound like "can barely," and there are jokes. "I cranberry walk after this drink!!!!" was posted on X/Twitter by Cory Thielen on November 22, 2012.…
“I just fired myself from cleaning my house. I didn’t like my attitude and I got caught drinking”
"I just fired myself from cleaning my house. I didn’t/don't like my attitude and I got caught drinking on the job" is a joke that has been printed on many images. "Saw this on…
“I just fired myself from cleaning my house. I don’t like my attitude and I got caught drinking”
"I just fired myself from cleaning my house. I didn’t/don't like my attitude and I got caught drinking on the job" is a joke that has been printed on many images. "Saw this on…
“I just flew back from a Spaghetti-O’s convention and Boyardee’s arms tired”
“I just flew in and boy, are my arms tired!” is a very old joke (1940s). The arms are tired from flapping so much (like a bird's wings). Chef Boyardee is an American brand of canned pasta,…
“I just flew in and boy, are my arms tired!”
"I just flew in from (Chicago, Los Angeles, New York) and boy, are my arms tired!" is a classic joke told by American comedians. That is, the arms had been flapping like a bird's…
“I just flew in from a ravioli convention. Boyardees arms tired”
“I just flew in and boy, are my arms tired!” is a very old joke (1940s). The arms are tired from flapping so much (like a bird's wings). Chef Boyardee is an American brand of canned pasta,…
“I just flew in from a Transformers convention. And boy, my arms are tires”
“I just flew in and boy, are my arms tired!” is a very old joke (1940s). The arms are tired from flapping so much (like a bird's wings). Transformers arms are actual tires, and there are…