“If one door closes and another door opens, you’re probably in prison”
"When one door closes, another opens" is an old proverb about opportunity. A joke variation is: "If one door closes and another door opens, you’re probably in prison."…
Archive for 02/2017
“Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu, please?” (joke)
A restaurant joke is: MALE CUSTOMER: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu, please?WAITRESS: The men I please are none of your damn business! The joke was posted by "AnOnion"…
“What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine’s Day?”/“Cauliflowers.”
A popular Valentine's Day riddle is: Q: What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine's Day? A: Cauliflowers. The "flowers/cauliflowers" joke has been cited in print since…
“Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens”
"Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens" is a jocular one-line saying that has been printed on many images. The saying was posted on Twitter on August 18, 2012.…
“Since our Russian gymnast was deported, we don’t have Oleg to stand on”
"Oleg to stand on" is a pun for "a leg to stand on" and has been cited in print since at least 1946. A popular version was posted on Twitter on July 15, 2016: "One of the…
“I know you shouldn’t text and drive but I’ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay”
You shouldn't text while driving. Texting before driving is a different story. A joke is: "I know you shouldn't text and drive but I've only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I…
“Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, no one wants to hear about your workout”
"Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, no one wants to hear about your workout" is a jocular one-line saying that has been printed on many ecards. The saying was posted…
“I feel sorry for people who don’t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop”
"I feel sorry for people who don’t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor" is a jocular saying that has been prints on GIFs. The saying was posted by "A…
“Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less”
"Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less" is a saying that has been printed on many images It has frequently been credited to Irish author C. S. Lewis…
“What did the gangster’s son tell his dad when he failed his exams?” (joke)
There's a difference between a school examination and a criminal examination, but there's a joke: Q: What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his exams?A: "Dad,…
“What was Osama Bin Laden’s favorite drink?”/“A double Manhattan.”
Jokes about the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks on New York City's World Trade Center are numerous, although not politically correct. One such politically incorrect joke is: Q: What was…
“Why was the math book sad?”/“Because it had so many problems.”
A math riddle has been printed on several images: Q: Why was the math book sad?A: Because it had so many problems. The riddle was printed in many newspapers in 1987. “I’m not sure how many…
“You call them calories. I call them delicious points”
"Calories? You mean delicious points" is a jocular line that has been printed on many images. "You call them calories. I call them yummy points" has also been printed on many…
“Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet”
"Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet" is an unflattering one-line saying about Taco Bell Tex-Mex fast food restaurants. The line was posted on Twitter on…
“I drink coffee for your protection”
"I drink coffee for your protection" is a jocular one-line saying that has been printed on many gift items, such as coffee mugs and T-shirts. A person without coffee, the saying implies,…
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my food. I don’t even know where sandwiches live”
"I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my food. I don’t even know where sandwiches live" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "I'm glad I don't have to hunt…
“I like the part of the day when food happens”
"I like the part(s) of the day when food happens" is a jocular one-line saying that has been printed on GIFs. "I like the part of the day when food happens" was posted by…
“I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I’m not very good at it”
"I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it" is a funny one-liner. Scottish Jewish comedian Arnold Brown said it at the Edinburgh Festival…
“White rice or brown rice?”/“Both. I’m not a riceist.”
Is someone who discriminates between white rice and brown rice a "riceist" (rice + racist)? "I really like plain white rice, although I suppose that does make me a bit of a rice…
“When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?”
"When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it's for them?" is a jocular one-line saying that has been printed on many images. "Howcome when there is a knock at…