“My friend is a qualified greengrocer. He has lettuce after his name”
People with many degrees have many letters after their names. This shouldn't be confused with "lettuce" after a name, but there are jokes. "Q: Why was the rabbit called Peter…
Alphebetical for "m"
“My friend is making easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes…” (joke)
The idiom "like shooting fish in a barrel" (meaning something that is extremely easy) shouldn't be confused with "shooting fish in apparel," but there are jokes. "My…
“My friend is so vegan, he won’t even have his picture taken because he’d have to say ‘cheese’”
A photographer sometimes gets people to smile by getting subjects to say "cheese." A joke is: "My friend is so vegan, he won't even have his picture taken because he'd have…
“My friend just quit his job at BMW. He gave no indication he was leaving”
BMW drivers, it's often said, don't use their turn signals. A joke was posted on Sickipedia on February 11, 2023: "My mate quit his job at BMW. He of course gave no indication he was…
“My friend lost his job as a journalist at a classic rock magazine through musical differences. He was always giving rave reviews”
A "rave review" isn't necessarily a review of a rave, but there are jokes. "Friend of mine gave up his job at the classic rock magazine as he had musical differences with his…
“My friend phoned that he’s changing his name to ‘Spinal Column.’ I said, ‘Can I call you back?’”
To "call someone back" is usually not meant literally in those words, but there are jokes. This was posted on Twitter by Tom Fox on November 2, 2015: "My mate rang to say he's…
“My friend rang me and asked me what I was doing. I said, ‘Probably failing my driving test!’”
"RT @sickipediabot: My mate rang me and asked 'What're you doing at the moment?' I said 'Probably failing my driving test'" was posted on X/Twitter by Eve on…
“My friend said onions are the only food that make you cry—so I threw a coconut at his face”
"My friend thinks he's smart. He said onions are the only food that make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face" is a joke that has been printed on several posters. The joke has…
“My friend shouted, “You have a BA, a Masters and a PhD, but you still act like an idiot!’” (joke)
A "third degree burn" doesn't involve three college degrees, but a joke was posted on Reddit -- Dad Jokes on April 22, 2018: "My friend said, 'You have a BA, Masters and a…
“My friend swallowed some coins and was taken to the hospital” (joke)
People sometimes swallow coins, and it's one of the oldest of American puns: "My friend swallowed some coins and was taken to the hospital. I asked the nurse about his condition, but she…
“My friend told me a joke about a TV controller. It wasn’t remotely funny”
A popular pun about the tv remote is: "My friend told me a joke about a TV controller. It wasn't remotely funny." "I told my TV controller a joke. It wasn't remotely…
“My friend told me she wouldn’t eat beef tongue cause it came out of a cow’s mouth. So I gave her an egg”
An old joke has it that a restaurant diner is looking for something to eat, and the waiter (or another diner) suggests tongue. "Oh no, I could never eat anything that came out of an…
“My friend tried to convince me ‘whey’ is spelled ‘whfey.’ There’s no f in whey”
"There's no fucking way" is sometimes given a pun with the word "whey." "There's no 'F' in 'whey'" was posted on Twitter by James Jillson…
“My friend used my to-do list to roll a blunt. He’s high on my list of priorities”
Managers often make to-do lists. A joke was posted on Twitter on April 9, 2016: "My friend just used my to-do list to roll a joint... He's high on my list of priorities." "My…
“My friend was in a quiz and phoned me, ‘What’s the second largest state in the USA?’”
"Texas" should not be confused with "text us," but there are jokes. This was posted by Jokerswild on X/Twitter on June 24, 2019: My mate phoned me and said "I'm in a…
“My friend was in hospital recently. She’s doing okay and has been passing the time by playing board games…” (NHS joke)
The "NHS" (National Health Service in England) can sound like "any chess," and there are jokes. A popular hospital pun has been cited in print since at least March 2021. This…
“My friend William changed his name to Lawrence, and that’s how a Bill becomes a Law”
"How a bill becomes a law" has been explained by the website Kids in the House. A 1976 Schoolhouse Rock song, "I'm Just a Bill," also explained the process. The site…
“My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast”
To say that something is "toast" means that it's a failure. A popular pun is: "My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast." "Did you…
“My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes…” (joke)
The idiom "like shooting fish in a barrel" (meaning something that is extremely easy) shouldn't be confused with "shooting fish in apparel," but there are jokes. "My…
“My friends and I experimented with drugs and sex in high school. I was part of the control group”
"My friends and I experimented with drugs and sex in high school. I was part of the control group" is a popular joke. The control group consists of people who do not get the drugs and…