“My goal this weekend is to move just enough so people don’t think I’m dead”
"My goal this weekend is to move just enough so people don't think I'm dead" is a jocular weekend saying that has been printed on many images. "My goal this weekend is to…
Alphebetical for "m"
“My goldfish are named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Blues, and Altered” (joke)
A music joke was posted by Ellynne Rey to Gigs from Hell (Funny Gig Stories) on Facebook on October 20, 2019: "My goldfish are named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Blues, and Altered. I…
“My government spent $1 trillion on the drug war and all I got was this lousy police state”
"My government spent $1 trillion on the drug war and all I got was this lousy police state" is a political statement that has been printed on bumper stickers. "I voted for obama and…
“My GPS just told me to turn around. Now I can’t see where I’m driving”
When a car's GPS says "turn around," it means the car -- not the driver. A joke was posted on Twitter on May 14, 2015: "My GPS just told me to turn around. Now I can’t see…
“My graffiti removal company went bust today, but the writing had been on the wall for some time”
Many employees see "the writing on the wall" at their places of employment, an idiom meaning that the employment situation might be ending soon. A joke takes the idiom literally. "my…
“My gran’s collection of antique gravy boats were Bistoed upon me”
Bisto is a well-known brand of gravy. It should not be confused with "bestow," but there are jokes. "My gran's collection of antique gravy boats were Bistoed upon me #1PUN"…
“My grandad asked me how to print on his computer. I told him it’s Ctrl-P” (joke)
Ctrl-P (print) sounds like "control pee." "Microsoft discriminates against incontinent people, with the continued insistence that they control pee to print" was posted on…
“My grandad committed suicide by eating the entire 88 keys on a piano. He didn’t leave a note”
A piano pun was posted on Reddit -- Jokes on September 23, 2019: "My grandad committed suicide by eating the entire 88 keys on a piano. He didn't leave a note," The joke is that it…
“My grandfather died peacefully in his sleep, not like his passengers”
"Like my grandfather, I wish to die peacefully in my sleep, not screaming like the passengers in his car" was posted to the newsgroup info.sun-managers on August 31, 1993. The joke soon…
“My grandfather makes his own cream cheese. It’s called Pap Schmear”
A "pap smear" has nothing to do with a "schmear" (or "shmear"), but there are jokes. Sometimes the "pap" stands for "papaya," "paprika"…
“My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career. Amazing man. Horrible chef”
The expression to put "blood, sweat and tears" into something usually means "effort," but sometimes it is taken literally. "My father loved to say that he always put his…
“My grandfather was the best damn podium salesman. He always stood behind his product”
Several jokes state that a podium is a product that a salesman can stand behind. However, you stand on a podium, and you stand behind a lectern. "It must really suck to be a podium salesman.…
“My grandma is 80% Irish. People call her Iris”
"Hi I'm Iris & I'm 80% Irish heheheh u get it??" was posted on Twitter by iris on November 13, 2013, and frequently after this. "My grandmother Iris is 80% Irish"…
“My grandmother Eleanor gave me her seafood recipes, but nobody wants to try my Salmon Ella”
Salmonella (bacteria) has nothing to do with salmon (a fish) or anyone named Ella, but there are jokes. "I heard that Ella Fitzgerald and Sammy Davis Jr. are buying out the Jewel Food Store…
“My grandmother still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks straight from the bottle”
The word "glasses" can mean "eyeglasses" or "wine glasses." A popular joke has a comedian state that his mother (or grandmother) "still doesn't need glasses.…
“My Greek yogurt is expired. Does this make it Ancient Greek yogurt now?”
Does expired Greek yogurt acquire more culture and become Ancient Greek yogurt? "And the yogurt's so old it's officially Ancient Greek yogurt!" was posted on Twitter by Duncan…
“My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don’t run into anyone you know”
“@DarzieDAMN: My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don't run into anyone you know” was posted on Twitter by Melissa Schrade on October 7, 2013. "@DarzieDAMN" is no…
“My Grocery List: 1. Don’t run into anyone we know 2. Bread”
“@DarzieDAMN: My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don't run into anyone you know” was posted on Twitter by Melissa Schrade on October 7, 2013. "@DarzieDAMN" is no…
“My grocery list: 1. Don’t run into anyone you know 2. Eggs”
“@DarzieDAMN: My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don't run into anyone you know” was posted on Twitter by Melissa Schrade on October 7, 2013. "@DarzieDAMN" is no…
“My gun is not a threat unless you are”
"My gun is not a threat unless you are" is a pro-gun saying that has been printed on many images. "My gun is not a threat. Unless you are" was posted on Facebook by Joe Nicosia…