“My grandfather makes his own cream cheese. It’s called Pap Schmear”
A "pap smear" has nothing to do with a "schmear" (or "shmear"), but there are jokes. Sometimes the "pap" stands for "papaya," "paprika"…
Alphebetical for "m"
“My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career. Amazing man. Horrible chef”
The expression to put "blood, sweat and tears" into something usually means "effort," but sometimes it is taken literally. "My father loved to say that he always put his…
“My grandfather was the best damn podium salesman. He always stood behind his product”
Several jokes state that a podium is a product that a salesman can stand behind. However, you stand on a podium, and you stand behind a lectern. "It must really suck to be a podium salesman.…
“My grandma is 80% Irish. People call her Iris”
"Hi I'm Iris & I'm 80% Irish heheheh u get it??" was posted on Twitter by iris on November 13, 2013, and frequently after this. "My grandmother Iris is 80% Irish"…
“My grandmother Eleanor gave me her seafood recipes, but nobody wants to try my Salmon Ella”
Salmonella (bacteria) has nothing to do with salmon (a fish) or anyone named Ella, but there are jokes. "I heard that Ella Fitzgerald and Sammy Davis Jr. are buying out the Jewel Food Store…
“My grandmother still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks straight from the bottle”
The word "glasses" can mean "eyeglasses" or "wine glasses." A popular joke has a comedian state that his mother (or grandmother) "still doesn't need glasses.…
“My Greek yogurt is expired. Does this make it Ancient Greek yogurt now?”
Does expired Greek yogurt acquire more culture and become Ancient Greek yogurt? "And the yogurt's so old it's officially Ancient Greek yogurt!" was posted on Twitter by Duncan…
“My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don’t run into anyone you know”
“@DarzieDAMN: My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don't run into anyone you know” was posted on Twitter by Melissa Schrade on October 7, 2013. "@DarzieDAMN" is no…
“My Grocery List: 1. Don’t run into anyone we know 2. Bread”
“@DarzieDAMN: My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don't run into anyone you know” was posted on Twitter by Melissa Schrade on October 7, 2013. "@DarzieDAMN" is no…
“My grocery list: 1. Don’t run into anyone you know 2. Eggs”
“@DarzieDAMN: My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don't run into anyone you know” was posted on Twitter by Melissa Schrade on October 7, 2013. "@DarzieDAMN" is no…
“My gun is not a threat unless you are”
"My gun is not a threat unless you are" is a pro-gun saying that has been printed on many images. "My gun is not a threat. Unless you are" was posted on Facebook by Joe Nicosia…
“My guns won’t be illegal. They will be ‘undocumented’”
"Undocumented" guns have been compared to "undocumented" Americans. "RT @frontalboundary: My #guns are not #illegal they are #undocumented. #NRA #Pelosi #Obama #Biden"…
“My head gets cold at the drop of a hat”
"At the drop of a hat" means without hesitation (instantly). The phrase usually does not literally involve a hat, but there are jokes. "My head gets cold at the drop of a hat"…
“My heart bleeds blue borscht”
"My heart bleeds blue borscht" ("My heart beats blue borscht" also has a few recorded citations) means that the speaker couldn't care less -- just the opposite of "my…
“My heart says chocolate and wine, but my jeans say, ‘eat a salad’”
"My heart says chocolate and wine, but my jeans say, "for the love of God, woman, eat a salad'" is a jocular food saying that has been printed on many images. "My heart…
“My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys”
"My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys" is the title of a Sharon Rice/Sharon Vaughn-written song that appeared on the 1976 album Wanted! The Outlaws by Waylon Jennings, Willie Nelson, Jessi…
“My high ass pausing the music to see if the siren is in the song or if it’s outside”
When a person is driving a vehicle and is listening to music, is the siren that is heard in the music or from another vehicle? "Me pausing the music to see the siren is in the Song or…
“My high school was so small we had driver’s ed and sex ed in the same car”
"My high school was so small we had driver's education and sex education in the same car" is a joke that has been told by many people. This was printed in the Philadelphia (PA) Daily…
“My HOA is two weeks away from developing a nuclear weapon”
In politics, some countries (like the United States) take action if it appears that a country is close to acquiring nuclear weapons. This devloped into a jocular meme against landlords and…
“My hobbies are breakfast, lunch and dinner”
"My hobbies are breakfast, lunch and dinner" is a jocular line that has been printed on shirts."My favourite hobbies are breakfast, lunch and dinner" was cited on Twitter on…