“My Geography teacher died yesterday. Well, he is History now”
There's a difference between being a History teacher and being history. "That English teacher they sent up (into space and died -- ed.)? She is history now" was posted on Twitter on…
Alphebetical for "m"
“My girlfriend asked why I carry a gun around the house? I told her it was the Decepticons…”
A joke about surveillance was posted on Twitter by Joe Mama on April 23, 2014, and has been printed on many images: "My girlfriend asked me last night why I carry my gun around the house, what…
“My girlfriend broke up with me for being too ‘un-American.’ I saw it coming from a kilometre away”
To "see something coming from a mile away" is an expression meaning that something is very obvious. There is no European version involving kilometers, but there are jokes. "My wife…
“My girlfriend can’t wrestle, but you should see her box”
"My girlfriend can't wrestle, but you should see her box" is a jocular saying about wrestling and boxing -- with a sexual innuendo -- that has been printed on many images. The boxing…
“My girlfriend disliked my obsession with Japanese food, sushi left me”
"Sushi" sounds a little bit like "so she." A pun is: "My girlfriend disliked my obsession with Japanese food, sushi left me." The joke was posted on Twitter on…
“My girlfriend fell in an ice cream store. She’s now a sore bae”
A pun on "sorbet" is: "My girlfriend fell in an ice cream store. She's now a sore bae." The "sore bae" joke has had many forms. "My girlfriend is mad that I…
“My girlfriend just couldn’t accept my obsession with horoscopes. In the end it Taurus apart”
Many people are obsessed with newspaper/internet horoscopes. "Taurus" sounds like "tore us." "Before we split up, my wife was obsessed with horoscopes.I'm sure…
“My girlfriend just dumped me for talking about video games. What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4”
"My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games. What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4" was posted on Reddit -- Jokes on November 13, 2015. Fallout 4 is an action…
“My girlfriend said I wasn’t a true cockney, so I pushed her down the apples and oranges”
"Apples and pears" is cockney rhyming slang for "stairs." A joke was posted on Twitter by BarryNeaves on May 12, 2013: "My girlfriend said I was a rubbish cockney, so I…
“My girlfriend told me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter” (joke)
A joke about being a news reporter was posted on Twitter by Bob Kostic on December 25, 2015: "So my girlfriend told me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter. Well…
“My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I got drunk”
"My wife gave me £50 and said spend it on something that makes me look sexy. So I got drunk on Jack Daniels" was posted on Twitter on December 21, 2011. "Whilst out xmas shopping…
“My goal this weekend is to move just enough so people don’t think I’m dead”
"My goal this weekend is to move just enough so people don't think I'm dead" is a jocular weekend saying that has been printed on many images. "My goal this weekend is to…
“My goldfish are named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Blues, and Altered” (joke)
A music joke was posted by Ellynne Rey to Gigs from Hell (Funny Gig Stories) on Facebook on October 20, 2019: "My goldfish are named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Blues, and Altered. I…
“My government spent $1 trillion on the drug war and all I got was this lousy police state”
"My government spent $1 trillion on the drug war and all I got was this lousy police state" is a political statement that has been printed on bumper stickers. "I voted for obama and…
“My GPS just told me to turn around. Now I can’t see where I’m driving”
When a car's GPS says "turn around," it means the car -- not the driver. A joke was posted on Twitter on May 14, 2015: "My GPS just told me to turn around. Now I can’t see…
“My graffiti removal company went bust today, but the writing had been on the wall for some time”
Many employees see "the writing on the wall" at their places of employment, an idiom meaning that the employment situation might be ending soon. A joke takes the idiom literally. "my…
“My gran’s collection of antique gravy boats were Bistoed upon me”
Bisto is a well-known brand of gravy. It should not be confused with "bestow," but there are jokes. "My gran's collection of antique gravy boats were Bistoed upon me #1PUN"…
“My grandad asked me how to print on his computer. I told him it’s Ctrl-P” (joke)
Ctrl-P (print) sounds like "control pee." "Microsoft discriminates against incontinent people, with the continued insistence that they control pee to print" was posted on…
“My grandad committed suicide by eating the entire 88 keys on a piano. He didn’t leave a note”
A piano pun was posted on Reddit -- Jokes on September 23, 2019: "My grandad committed suicide by eating the entire 88 keys on a piano. He didn't leave a note," The joke is that it…
“My grandfather died peacefully in his sleep, not like his passengers”
"Like my grandfather, I wish to die peacefully in my sleep, not screaming like the passengers in his car" was posted to the newsgroup info.sun-managers on August 31, 1993. The joke soon…