“If your guns have ugly tattoos, I revoke your right to bare arms”
The Second Amendment "right to bear arms" has nothing to do with "bears" or "bare arms," but there are several tattoo jokes. "Going to the tattoo shop to forfeit…
Alphebetical for "i"
“If your hands don’t look like you just delivered a baby after eating wings…not enough hot sauce”
"If your hands don't look like you just delivered a baby when you finish eating wings....not enough hot sauce" is a jocular saying that has been popular on Twitter. The saying was…
“If your idea of helping others first requires taking someone’s property…”
"If your idea of helping others first requires taking someone’s property, then isn’t your idea morally bankrupt?" is an anti-government (anti-tax) saying that has been printed on…
“If your job comes with an ‘appreciation week,’ you’re probably not getting paid enough”
"If someone's job requires an 'appreciation week' it means they're not getting paid enough" (or "If your job comes with an 'appreciation week,' you’re…
“If your job requires an ‘appreciation week’ it means you’re not getting paid enough”
"If someone's job requires an 'appreciation week' it means they're not getting paid enough" (or "If your job comes with an 'appreciation week,' you’re…
“If your job requires an appreciation week,’ you are probably not getting paid enough”
"If someone's job requires an 'appreciation week' it means they're not getting paid enough" (or "If your job comes with an 'appreciation week,' you’re…
“If your kids want to learn to drive, don’t stand in their way”
"Don't stand in their way" usually means don't oppose, but a joke takes this literally. "Our friend, E. J. Canada, over in Luther, says that if your wife wants to learn to…
“If your mother says she loves you, check it out”
"If your mother says she loves you, check it out" is a newspaper adage, cautioning reporters to always check the facts. The saying (cited in print since at least 1974) became a slogan of…
“If your name is on the building, you’re rich”
American comedian Rich Hall said on the television show Late Night with Conan O'Brien on July 17, 1995: "When you go to work in the morning, if your name is on the building -- you're…
“If your only goal is to become rich, you will never achieve it”
"If your only goal is to become rich, you will never achieve it" is a said to be a famous quotation by American industrialist John D. Rockefeller (1839-1937). However, the quote seems to…
“If your outgo exceeds your income, then your upkeep will be your downfall”
"When/If your outgo exceeds your income (then) your upkeep is your downfall" is a common sense phrase for a person to live within his or her means. The phrase is cited in print from at…
“If your personal choices have a victim, it is no longer a personal choice”
"If your personal choices have a victim, it is no longer a personal choice" is a vegan saying that has been printed on many images. "If your personal choices have a victim, it is no…
“If your phone battery lasts all day, it’s because nobody likes you”
"If your phone battery lasts all day, it's because nobody likes you" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. That is, no one is calling you. "If your phone…
“If your problem can’t be fixed by coffee, sex, money or booze, you’re kinda fucked”
"If your problem can't be fixed by coffee, tequila or sex, then I'm out of advice" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "If your problem can't be…
“If your problem can’t be fixed by coffee, tequila or foreplay, then I’m out of advice”
"If your problem can't be fixed by coffee, tequila or sex, then I'm out of advice" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "If your problem can't be…
“If your problem can’t be fixed by coffee, tequila or sex, then I’m out of advice”
"If your problem can't be fixed by coffee, tequila or sex, then I'm out of advice" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "If your problem can't be…
“If your ship doesn’t come in, swim out to it”
"When my ship comes in" is an idiom meaning "when my fortune arrives." People who have bad luck (and who doubt that their ship ever will come in) have added an extra ending to…
“If your Sunday doesn’t involve wine and yoga pants, you’re doing it wrong”
"If your Sunday doesn't involve wine and yoga pants, you're doing it wrong" is a Sunday saying that has been printed on many images. "If your Sunday doesn't involve…
“If your Sunday doesn’t involve wine and yoga pants, you’re doing it wrong”
"If your Sunday doesn't involve wine and yoga pants, you're doing it wrong" is a Sunday saying that has been printed on many images. "If your Sunday doesn't involve…
“If your voice held no power, they wouldn’t try to silence you”
"If your voice held no power, they wouldn't try to silence you" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "If your voice held no power, they wouldn't try to silence…