“I’m stuck between ‘I need to save money’ & ‘You only live once’”
The decision to spend money or to save money is sometimes a tough one. "I be like 'I need to save money' but then I be like f*k it,you only live once.." was posted on Twitter by…
Alphebetical for "i"
“I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it with the non-burned side up and crosses her fingers”
When making a grilled cheese sandwich, the bread on one side often burns. There are many jokes about this. "Is it even possible to make a grilled cheese without totally burning one side?"…
“I’m throwing a wine and cheese party tonight. Only for myself. And without the cheese”
A popular joke is about a person hosting a "wine and cheese party"...without cheese...and without guests. That is, the person is just drinking alcohol. "I'm hosting a cheese and…
“I’m tired of eating the same shit we need some new animals. I want a 6pc dragon tf..”
"I'm really tired of eating the same shit, but ain't no new animals coming out" was posted on X/Twitter by Musically_Inclined on March 28, 2017. "I'm really tired of…
“I’m tired of people saying ‘here’s my go to lazy meal’ and then they start chopping an onion”
When people want a simple "lazy meal," they really ant to be lazy. This was posted on X/Twitter by naledi on February 17, 2022, and it received over 628,000 likes: "I’m tired of…
“I’m traveling to Greenwich tomorrow. I’m not sure what to do in the Mean Time”
There have been several puns about Greenwich Mean Time. "Ok, so you go to the market in Greenwich then watch meteors in the park. What do you do in the MeanTime" was posted on Twitter on…
“I’m trying to pick a good film to have on in the background while I look at my phone all night”
Many people watch their phones while they are supposedly watching a movie. This joke was posted on Facebook and X/Twitter by Very British Problems on September 12, 2025 : "I’m trying to pick…
“I’m waiting for a reverse Hallmark Christmas Movie about a small town girl who realizes her community’s politics are terrible, moves to Manhattan…”
In a typical Hallmark Channel Christmas movie, the protagonist (a young woman) becomes disillusioned in the big city (such as New York City), and finds the true meaning of Christmas right in her…
“I’m well-prepared for a cashless society. Having kids already has me there”
The term "cashless society" means monetary forms other than physical banknotes -- such as credit cards or digital currencies (e.g., bitcoin). A popular joke is that, in a "cashless…
“I’m white but I use seasonings, so I’m cau-cajun”
"I'm white but I use seasonings, so I'm cau-cajun👨🏻🍳" was posted on Facebook by Jason Poindexter on October 25, 2022. "Cau-cajun" is a pun on…
“I’m wondering… What should I wear to the couch tonight?” (quarantine joke)
The 2019–20 coronavirus outbreak resulted in quarantines. "I wonder what pajama pants I’m gone wear to the couch tomorrow!!!!" was posted on Twitter by jessika glaude on March 16,…
“I’m writing a book about drinking beer. I’m currently on my 4th draft”
A joke about drinking beer was posted on X/Twitter by Ultimate Dad Jokes on February 29, 2024: "I'm writing a book about drinking beer. Currently on my 4th draft." X/Twitter Ultimate…
“I’ve been driving a Subaru for almost a month now, is someone supposed to send me my COEXIST bumper sticker…”
The Coexist image has been printed on many bumper stickers, and certain types of cars have more of these stickers. This was posted on Facebook and X/Twitter by Ret Ram (Everett Byram) on June 15,…
“I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands”
"Employees Must Wash Hands (or, in full, "Employees Must Wash Hands Before Returning to Work") is a popular sign at restaurants. A joke on this is, “The sign said, ‘Employees…
“I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over two hours, waiting for an employee to wash my hands”
"Employees Must Wash Hands (or, in full, "Employees Must Wash Hands Before Returning to Work") is a popular sign at restaurants. A joke on this is, “The sign said, ‘Employees…
“I’ve been trying to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but good players are hard to find”
"I'm having trouble organizing a Hide and Seek league. Good players are hard to find" is a joke that was posted on Reddit -- Jokes on November 4, 2015. "I’ve been trying to…
“I’ve combined a laxative and alphabet soup. I call it ‘Letter Rip’”
"I've combined alphabet soup and a laxative. I call it 'Letter Rip!'" was posted on Twitter by The Daily, Awful Pun (by Andy White) on April 26, 2011. "I've…
“I’ve cut down on my drinking and now only have one vodka before going to bed…”
"I’ve cut down on my drinking, and now only have one vodka before going to bed. Last night I went to bed eight times" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images.…
“I’ve cut down on my drinking and now only have one whiskey before going to bed…”
"I’ve cut down on my drinking, and now only have one vodka before going to bed. Last night I went to bed eight times" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images.…
“I’ve decided I’m gonna go on a second diet. There’s not nearly enough food on just the one”
Are two diets better than one? "I went on a diet once. Wasn't getting enough to eat so I went on two diets" was posted on the newsgroup rec.skydiving on January 13, 1998. "I had…