“I am terrified of elevators. I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them”
"I am terrified of elevators. I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them" is an elevator pun that has been printed on many images. "In fact, I'm so opposed to space…
“My friend used my to-do list to roll a blunt. He’s high on my list of priorities”
Managers often make to-do lists. A joke was posted on Twitter on April 9, 2016: "My friend just used my to-do list to roll a joint... He's high on my list of priorities." "My…
“My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it” (joke)
Some people find spiders in their homes, but don't like to kill the spiders -- preferring to grab a spider and let it go free outside the house. A joke has been printed on many images:…
“What do you call a Chinese crab?”/“A crust-asian.”
The word "crustacean" has been the subject of a pun: Q: What do you call a Chinese crab?A: A crust-asian. "What do u call a chinese crab? A crustasian" was posted on Twitter on…
“Music with dinner is an insult both to the cook and violinist”
New York (NY) Times food journalist Craig Claiborne (1920-2000) wrote on November 16, 1967: "The Adrian Zorgniottis agree with G. K. Chesterton, who told a friend, 'Music with dinner is…
“Never put Nutella on salmon or you’ll get Salmonella”
"Never put Nutella on salmon or you'll get Salmonella" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. The joke Nutella recipe for "Salmonella" was printed on the…
“Wisdom is knowing what to do next, skill is knowing how to do it, and virtue is doing it”
"Wisdom is knowing what to do next, skill is knowing how to do it, and virtue is doing it" is a quotation from Stanford University President David Starr Jordan (1851-1931) that has been…
“I don’t need to ‘get a life.’ I’m a gamer. I have LOTS of lives”
"I don't need to 'get a life.' I'm a gamer. I have lots of lives" is a jocular one-line saying that has been printed on many images. "Get a life!" is a line…
“How do you get a grandmother to swear?”/“Have another say ‘Bingo!’”
A popular bingo joke is: Q: How do you get a grandmother to swear?A: Have another grandmother say "Bingo!" The joke has been cited in print since at least 1992. Google Groups:…
“Those who do not have goals are doomed forever to work for those who do”
Entry in progress -- B.P. Wikiquote: Brian TracyBrian Tracy (born 5 January 1944) is a motivational speaker and author. Google BooksMaximum Achievement: Strategies and Skills That Will Unlock Your…
“Put your diploma on the windshield so you can park in a handicap spot”
"Put your diploma on the windshield so you can park in a handicap spot" is a joke that has been said to deride many institutions of learning. "Why do (Texas A&M -- ed.) Aggies…
“... And all I got was this lousy T-shirt”
People often return home from vacation destinations with souvenir T-shirts. "My parents went to Florida and all I got was this lousy T-shirt" is a typical jocular saying. "Mom and…
“Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition” (joke)
Dr. Frankenstein is a character in Mary Shelley's novel Frankenstein; or, The Modern Prometheus (1823) who creates a monster. This "body building" is different from…
“A woman and a duck walk into a bar…” (bar joke)
"A guy walks into a bar..." is a typical form of what has been called the "bar joke." One duck version is: "A woman and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender says,…
“What do you call cows that don’t have a sense of humor?”/“Feminists.”
"What do you call cows with a sense of humor?"/"A laughing stock" is a joke from at least 1975 that was posted on Reddit on December 2, 2015. A slightly different joke was…
“I got voted ‘least likely to succeed’ by my high school class” (joke)
A teacher joke was posted by Jamie Tighe on Twitter on January 21, 2014: "I got voted 'Least Likely To Succeed' by my high school class. Christ I hate being a teacher." The joke…
“How do you get to Carnegie Deli?” (joke)
"How do you get to Carnegie Hall?"/"Practice!" is a classic New York City joke. The Carnegie Deli opened in 1937, adjacent to Carnegie Hall. Carnegie Deli announced in late 2016…
“The best band name is ‘Free Beer’”
The best band name is often said to be "Free Beer." Who wouldn't show up for a bar band called "Free Beer"? "Free Beer" was actually the name of a bar band in…
Waffle House Index (disaster recovery metric)
The Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) often looks to the Waffle House -- a popular restaurant chain in the South -- to evaluate a disaster (such as a hurricane). "Green" means…
“How can you tell when an engineer is an extrovert?”/“He stares at YOUR shoes when he talks to you.”
A popular joke told about engineers (and actuaries and probably many other professions) is: Q: How can you tell when an engineer is an extrovert?A: He stares at your shoes when he talks to you. The…