“If I had a penny for every time I said ‘diet starts tomorrow,’ I’d afford lipo”
People often tell themselves, "My diet starts tomorrow," but tomorrow never comes. "If I had a nickle for every time I said 'The Diet Starts Tomorrow', I'd have enough…
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“Tequila is just dream-flavored water”
"Beer/Tequila is just dream-flavored water" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "I love me some 'Dream-flavored water'!" -- tequila -- was posted on…
“What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?”/“He wiped his ass.”
A cannibalism riddle is: Q: What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?A: He wiped his ass. The joke was posted on the newsgroup rec.humor on October 1, 1993. Google Groups:…
“I bought a Jewish sports car. It not only stops on a dime, it picks it up”
American singer, songwriter and novelist Kinky Friedman joked on the Jewish reputation for being tight with money. "Y'know the definition of a Jewish Cadillac? It stops on a dime and…
“I get fatter and broker each time I don’t take my lunch to work”
People who forget to bring lunch from home to work often have to buy it. A saying was posted on Reddit -- Shower Thoughts on August 11, 2017: "I get fatter and broker each time I don't…
“It’s kind of funny how there’s never lines at water park restrooms”
Many have wondered about what kids do in the water at water parks. "How come there are really long lines at the water park, but no lines at the bathrooms...?" was posted on Twitter on…
“Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?”/“She wanted to lay it on the line.”
"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"To get to the other side" is a classic riddle from the 19th century. A jocular variation is: Q: Why did the chicken stop in the middle of…
“Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?”/“To get to the other side.”
"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"To get to the other side" is a classic riddle from the 19th century. A jocular variation is: Q: Why did the chicken stop in the middle of…
“Coffee is my morning wine”
"Coffee is my morning wine" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "Coffee is like my morning wine" was posted on Twitter on March 28, 2010. "Coffee is my…
“I bought a Jewish sports car. It not only stops on a dime, it picks it up”
American singer, songwriter and novelist Kinky Friedman joked on the Jewish reputation for being tight with money. "Y'know the definition of a Jewish Cadillac? It stops on a dime and…
Goolag (Google + gulag)
The American technology company Google has been called "Goolag" (Google + gulag) by those who believe that Google's corporate vision suppresses free speech on the internet. The…
“Why is a police dog called a K-9?”/“Because if it was higher it would be a cat.”
A police dog unit is called K-9 (canine). It's not called K-10 because -- according to the joke -- that would be a cat (kitten). "Police dog is K-9 (canine). If cats were trained they…
ButtFeed (butt + BuzzFeed)
BuzzFeed is a New York City-based internet media company. MTS's animated sitcom Beavis and Butt-Head did a BuzzFeed parody called "ButtFeed" on October 25, 2011. The BuzzFeed…
“A cat walks into a bar…” (bar joke)
"A guy walks into a bar..." is a typical form of what has been called the "bar joke." A cat version has a cat request a drink, knock it over, and then request another drink.…
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one with tacos”
American poet Robert Frost (1874-1963) wrote in the poem "The Road Not Taken" (1916): "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I — I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all…
“Any wine can be a ‘fine’ wine if you drink enough of it”
Entry in progress -- B.P. TwitterPaul Ludwig @paulludwigSeriously, any wine can be a "fine" wine if you drink enough of it9:16 PM - 17 Apr 2010 TwitterDavid Voth @SexCigarsBoozeAny…
“Butternut squash is a real let down. No butter. No nuts. Just squash”
"Butternut squash is a real let down. No butter. No nuts. Just squash" is a saying that has been printed on several images. "butternut squash is so dissappointing- no butter, no…
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one with a Starbucks drive-thru”
American poet Robert Frost (1874-1963) wrote in the poem "The Road Not Taken" (1916): "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I — I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all…
“I mostly use my driver’s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive”
There's an irony that people use a driver's license to buy alcohol. "I mostly use my driver's license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive" was posted on Reddit --…
“Apples are tastier when you cut them into slices”
Many people think apples taste best when they're cut into slices. "Apples taste so much better when you cut them into slices" was posted on Twitter on November 4, 2011. "Apples…