“Cupcakes are just muffins that found the right Instagram filter”

“Eating too much spiritual junk food will give you chi zits”

“How do KFC get their popcorn chicken so shiny?”/“They use Kernel Sanders.”

“How do KFC get their popcorn chicken so smooth?”/“They use Kernel Sanders.”

“If a Shaolin monk had acne, would he have Chi zits?”

As Stoned As Possible (ASAP)

“Who invented popcorn chicken?”/“Kernel Sanders.”

“Awe shit man. I thought ASAP meant As Stoned As Possible”

Mount Vernon: Money Earnin’ Mount Vernon (nickname)

“If you fuck up a meal, just call it Chicago style and serve it anyway”

“Two nudists were discussing politics. One asks, ‘Have you read Marx?’” (“red marks” joke)

Spankopedia (jocular spelling of “spanakopita”)

“I just flew in from a Transformers convention. And boy, my arms are tires”

“Make Politicians Afraid Again” (MPAA)

“Most Effective Devil In America” (“media” backronym)

“Two sheep from Boston walk into a baaaaaaa” (bar joke)

“Frank Ocean is a large body of hot dog water”

“The Costco sample lady called spanikopita ‘spankopedia’ and I’m still disappointed…”

“Government: If you think the problems we create are bad, just wait until you see our solutions”

“Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo”

“Pulled pork is pulled apart, therefore, sausages are pushed pork”

“Did you hear Spider-Man made himself a winter jacket out of Greek bread? It was a Pita Parka”

“What do you call mayonnaise left out for a month?”/“Juneonnaise.”

“I couldn’t find the mayonnaise until I looked between the Aprilonnaise and Juneonnaise”

“Resist. Defy. Do not comply”

“Spiderman has a winter jacket made of Mediterranean flatbread. It’s called a Pita Parka”

“People who tell you the truth are trying to free you from a prison you don’t even know you’re in”

“There are conspiring satanic billionaires paying lying millionaires to keep telling brainwashed…”

“What was invented before mayonnaise?”/“Aprilonnaise.”

“What’s the mortician’s favorite workout?”/“Deadlift.”

Checkbro (chess word alternative to “checkmate”)

Checkfriend (chess word alternative to “checkmate”)

Checkbuddy (chess word alternative to “checkmate”)

“What does an American say when he wins at chess?”/“Checkbuddy.”

“I got kicked out of the coffee club just because I wore a tea shirt”

“Got thrown out of Coffee Club. I turned up wearing a tea shirt”

“I got booted from the coffee club because I wore a tea shirt”

“Why do ghosts use reddit?”/“Because they don’t have a life either.”

Checkpal (chess word alternative to “checkmate”)

“American chess players be like, ‘That’s a checkbro’”

“When playing chess in Australia it’s ‘checkmate.’ Everywhere else it’s ‘checkfriend’”

“Survival Tip: If you ever get lost in the woods, start talking about taxation…”

“Survival Tip: If you get lost in the woods, start talking about politics…”

“Survival Tip: If you get lost in the woods, start talking about the benefits of a vegan diet…”

“Give a weed an inch and it will take a yard”

“If you give a weed an inch, it will take a yard”

“The homework is due Monday.”/ “Can I get an extension?”/ “The homework is due Monday.png.”

“Zucchini sounds more like a pasta than a vegetable”

Gentleman’s Sweep (4-1 series win)

Gentlemen’s Sweep (4-1 series win)

Backdoor Sweep

Back Door Sweep

“I’m so single when they ask for an emergency contact, I’ve just been putting Jesus”

“Life’s too short to wake up in a bad mood. I save mine for when I get to work”

“The news is trauma based mind control. You’re not being informed, you’re being manipulated”

“Just had a Belgian waffle. Next, I’m going to make him dance”

“This morning, I made a Belgian waffle. This afternoon, I’m going to make a Frenchman talk bollocks”

“For breakfast today, I made a Belgian waffle. For lunch, I’m planning to make a French person…”

“Life is too short to wake up in a bad mood. I save mine until I go to work”

“Only an idiot disarms himself and expects criminals to do the same”

“Only an idiot disarms himself, and thinks criminals will do the same”

“Only an idiot disarms themselves, and thinks the criminal will do the same”

“Only a fool would give up a weapon in order for the government to protect them…”

“The world would be a better place if more things were wrapped in bacon”

“Maybe the world would be a better place if we just wrapped it up in bacon”

“Life would be better if more things were wrapped in bacon”

“All I’m saying is you’ve never seen me crying and drinking coffee at the same time”

“I will not be seen, until I have my caffeine”

“All I’m saying is you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time”

“There are two types of people in this world: People you want to drink with and people who make…”

“I’m fat because I’m full of experiences. And most of those experiences took place at restaurants”

“A digital ID is not to identify yourself. It is to track and trace your every move”

“Digital ID is not to identify yourself. Digital ID will track, limit & control every aspect…”

“Texas food groups in spring: BBQ, Tacos, Claritin”

“I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that crap up”

“I come from a town where a traffic jam is 4 cars behind a tractor”

“I come from a town where a traffic jam is 5 cars behind a tractor”

Bigger Apple (Manhattan Institute newsletter, 2020-present)

Bigger Apple (Manhattan Institute newsletter)

“I’m from a town where a traffic jam is 6 cars behind a tractor”

“My yoga instructor is from Jamaica. She teaches Pilates of the Caribbean”

“What do you call glass cookware from Jamaica?”/“Pyrex of the Caribbean.”

“I don’t have to respect your beliefs, I have to respect your right to hold those beliefs…”

“You’re not a civil-rights hero if you’re begging the State to take freedoms away”

“Libertarians when they discover they have a body part called the ‘prostate’ [screaming]”

“Make government officials afraid again”

“I don’t have to respect your beliefs. I’ll respect your right to hold those beliefs…”

“I hate people who use physically impossible metaphors. They make my blood boil”

“My wife and I met while studying to be opthalmologists. We were eye school sweethearts”

“Now that we’ve banned plastic straws, I guess I’ll just have to drink my frappucino through…”

“Anarchists when they realize there’s a part of their body called the ‘prostate’” (joke)

“Libertarians when they realize they have an organ called the prostate” (joke)

“Libertarians when they find out they have an organ named the prostate” (joke)

“Male libertarians when they find out they have a prostate” (joke)

“Weight loss goal: To be able to paint my toenails and breathe at the same time”

“Warning: Alcohol consumption will make you believe you’re whispering. I assure you, you are not”

“Don’t move in mysterious ways. Use your blinker”

“Weight loss goal: To be able to cut my toenails and breathe at the same time”

“Climate change happens four times a year. It’s called seasons”

“‘Climate change’ happens 4 times each year. My favorite is the ‘global warming’ in late April”