“This is your Monday morning reminder that you can handle whatever this week throws at you”

“Cancel culture was created because the left cannot survive in a marketplace of free ideas”

“You know what rhymes with Friday? Beer”

“You know what rhymes with Friday? Champagne”

“You know what rhymes with Friday? Merlot”

“You know what rhymes with Friday? Margarita”

“You know what rhymes with Friday? Wine”

“You know what rhymes with Friday? Moscato”

“A life without memes is memingless”

“You know what rhymes with Friday? Liquor store”

“You know what rhymes with Friday? Martini”

“You know what rhymes with Friday? Cabernet”

“Life without memes is memingless”

“What do you call a vegan cannibal?”/“Hungry.”

“What do you call a vegan cannibal?”/“A disappointment.”

Cantibal (can’t + cannibal)

Canntibal (can’t + cannibal)

“Cannibal implies the existence of cantibal”

“Cannibal implies the existence of cannotibal”

“What do you call a toothless cannibal?”/“A can’tibal.”

“What do you call a vegan cannibal?”/“A cant-ibal.”

“What does a vegetarian cannibal eat?”/“Swedes.”

“What does a vegetarian cannibal eat?”/“Toe-fu.”

“What does a vegan cannibal eat?”/“Human beans.”

“What does a vegan cannibal eat?”/“Kurds.”

“What does a vegetarian cannibal eat?”/“Cabbage Patch Kids.”

“What does a vegetarian cannibal eat?”/“Cumin beans.”

“What does a vegetarian cannibal eat?”/“A greengrocer.”

“Although Jesus was known as a Carpenter, he never actually sang on any of the albums”

“They say Jesus was a Carpenter, but you never see his name on any of their albums”

“I have discovered the dark matter that holds life together… it’s called coffee”

“‘Dark matter’ which holds reality together finally identified as coffee”

“The ‘dark matter’ which holds the universe together has finally been identified as coffee”

“How’s the Italian food in this restaurant?”/“Good. Try the veal. It’s the best in the city.”

“If you have a wedding in Paris, does the best man give a French toast?”

“A group of dolphins is called a pod. And a group of falcons is called a cast…” (“podcast”)

“I was the best man for my brother’s wedding in Paris…” (French toast joke)

“I hope whatever bad thing happens is at least funny”

“I don’t say good morning until after my first coffee because before that, it isn’t”

BOAT (Bring Out Another Thousand)

“I am soo glad I don’t have to actually hunt. I have no fucking clue where gluten free tacos live”

BOAT (Blow Out Another Thousand)

“Baby Yoda implies the existence of a Sporty Yoda, Scary Yoda, Ginger Yoda, and Posh Yoda”

“Substack implies the existence of Domstack”

“I am so glad that I don’t have to actually hunt. I have no clue where gluten free tacos live”

“The existence of a rat czar implies the existence of a rat Lenin”

“A man walks into a Soviet shop and asks, ‘You don’t have any meat?’” (scarcity joke)

“The existence of a New York City rat czar implies the existence of a New York City Ratsputin”

BOAT (Bring Over Another Thousand)

BOAT (Bust Out Another Thousand)

“They say the food you eat can affect your sex life. Some people need to stop eating minute rice”

“They say the food you eat can affect your sex life. I have to stop eating Minute Rice”

“If you’re not fighting for the things you care about, you’re losing”

“What’s considered trashy if you’re poor, but classy if you’re rich?”/“Getting govt. money.”

“Ironically, the only people still scared of Covid are vaccinated against it”

“The government today is the direct result of your choosing the lesser of two evils for generations”

“We have identified the domestic terrorists. They are the federal government”

“How many Lowe’s would Rob Lowe rob if Rob Lowe could rob Lowe’s”

“Capitalism turns luxuries into necessities. Socialism turns necessities into luxuries”

“Free markets decentralize power. Big government concentrates it”

“Women’s sport is not a retirement plan for failed male athletes”

“Women’s sports should not be a retirement plan for failed male athletes”

“Women’s sports are not a retirement plan for failed male athletes”

“Women’s sport is now a retirement plan for failed male athletes”

“What’s classy if you’re rich, but trashy if you’re poor?”/“Getting money from the government.”

“Forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions”

“April is the kindest month. April gets you out of your head and out working in the garden”

“Give me coffee to change the things I can, and the beach to accept the things I can’t”

“The spring blossoms get you out of your head and out working in the garden”

“It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to remind yourself why you don’t”

“I like my coffee so strong that it wakes up the neighbors”

“I like my coffee so strong that it wakes my neighbors”

“The existence of the ‘dreamcatcher’ implies the existence of a dreampitcher and a dreambatter, too”

“I like my whiskey so strong it makes my neighbors drunk”

“Fighter jet implies the existence of rogue jet, wizard jet and cleric jet”

“Dream catchers imply the existence of dream pitchers, dream shortstops, an entire dream team”

“Dreamcatcher implies the existence of dreampitcher”

“Fighter jets imply the existence of lover jets”

“It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself why you don’t”

“The whole point of living in New York City is indoors. You want greenery? Order the spinach”

“Does this hotel have prayer rooms?”/“No, sir. But we do have other amen-ities.”

“Christian hotels be like—Amen-ities”

“The facilities in a church should be called amen-ities”

“Perhaps the greatest mistake made in American history was in allowing government to educate”

“One of the greatest mistakes in American history was allowing government to educate our children”

“Today’s Forecast: Sunrise, sunset and some stuff in between”

“Perhaps the greatest mistake made in American history was allowing government to educate”

“Today’s Forecast: Sunrise, sunset and some shit in between”

“I’m trying to teach my self cleaning oven how to do the rest of the house”

“I left my self cleaning oven open overnight to see if it would do the rest of the kitchen”

“It’s called Tuesday because I need two cups of coffee before tolerating humans”

“It’s called Tuesday because I need two cups of coffee before I can tolerate you”

“Bring back $10 Chinese food, $600 apartments & $20 full tanks”

“Cursing: There’s only one bad word: taxes. If any other word is good enough for sailors…”

“Getting infected? Just say no. Coronavirus cannot legally enter your body without your consent”

“Cursing: There is only one bad word, taxes. Any other word that is good enough for sailors…”

“The ones asking to be left alone aren’t the extremists. The ones demanding we comply…”

“There is only one bad word: taxes”

“Getting fat? Just say no. Calories cannot legally enter your body without your consent”

“Waffles are just pancakes with an Instagram filter”