“When the enemy cannot destroy you, his job is to distract you”

“The enemy doesn’t have to defeat you. All he has to do is to distract you”

“If the devil can distract you, he can destroy you”

“I need some kind of cation…  vacation… staycation… relocation… medication…”

“I need some kinda cation… vacation… staycation… medication…”

“If the enemy can’t destroy you, he’ll distract you”

“I need some kind of cation… vacation… staycation… medication…”

“The enemy doesn’t have to defeat you. All they have to do is distract you”

“Around Christmas, the Fanta company should send out a ‘Fanta Claus’ who gives out free soda”

“What do you call someone who gives out soda at Christmas?”/“Fanta Clause.”

“In my family we don’t hide crazy—we have a bbq, give it a beer and wait for the show to start”

“Tonight, I’ll be having my favorite drink. It’s called a lot”

“Hell hath no fury like a vested interest scorned”

“I’m planning on having my favorite drink this weekend. It’s called a lot”

“Hell hath no fury like a vested interest parading as a moral principle”

“Hell hath no fury like a vested interest masquerading as a moral principle”

“Love everyone but hate the governments they live under”

“Whenever you give the government the power to disarm the mentally ill, you give the government…”

“If the enemy can’t destroy you, he’ll try and distract you”

“Love everyone, but hate the government they live under”

“If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church…”

“Dudes quick to say women don’t cook like grandma used to but y’all don’t pay bills like grandpa”

“No one owns the water. No one owns the land. No one owns the oceans. No one owns the sand”

“Stop saying women don’t cook like Grandma cause some of y’all men don’t pay bills like Granddad”

Happetite (happy + appetite)

“In my family we don’t hide crazy—we have a barbeque, give it a beer and wait for the show”

“I bet people who run marathons for fun haven’t heard about sex and alcohol”

“I guess that people who run marathons for fun haven’t heard about sex and booze”

“In my family we don’t hide the crazy. We give it a beer and wait for the show to start”

“The French restaurant served Napoleon Chicken. No meat—only the boneypart”

“Hey Siri, delete my belly”

“Ctrl + Alt + Delete my belly fat”

“Drop acid, not bombs”

“Drop taxes, not bombs”

“Alexa. delete my belly”

“Raise chickens, not taxes”

“It’s amazing that the thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing”

“Make Media Honest Again” (MMHA)

“Celebrate Holy Week. Flog a banker”

“Celebrate Holy Week by flogging a banker. It’s what Jesus would have done”

“There was Chop Suey all over my bed this morning. I’ve been sleep wokking again”

“Gun free zone = easy victim zone”

“Error 404: Democracy not found”

Sleep-wokking (sleepwalking + wokking)

“Hear about the narcoleptic Chinese cook? He was always sleep wokking”

“The human brain is a very sophisticated organ. It works day and night, until you turn on the news”

“Being hated for loving freedom has been the weirdest experience of my life”

“Gun-free zones are really ‘easy victim zones’”

“I found stir fry all over my bed this morning. I must have been sleep wokking again”

“Being hated for loving freedom has been the strangest experience of my life”

“If your food can go bad, it’s good for you. If it can’t, it’s probably not”

“You know what rhymes with Friday? Gin”

“You know what rhymes with Friday? Tequila”

“Welcome April! Wishing you a wonderful month filled with love & happiness”

“There is a saying about April: It is a wonderful month filled with love, happiness & various fools”

“404: Democracy not found”

“404: Freedom not found”

“Error 404: Freedom not found”

“Sometimes I feel like throwing in the towel, but you know what that means…more laundry”

“Sometimes I feel like throwing in the towel…but that would only make more laundry for me”

“I’m a dollarbetic because I don’t feel good when my money low”

Dollarbetic (dollar + diabetic)

“When my money low, I don’t feel good. I think I’m a dollarbetic”

“Woke (adj.): A state of awareness only achieved by those dumb enough to find injustice…”

“Whoa whoa whoa…. I’m all for freedom, if it’s done legally”

“Once weapons were manufactured to fight wars. Now wars are manufactured to sell weapons”

“Your purchase of $19.99 comes to $21.36 after theft”

“Two guys walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“I’m a time traveler. I travel in time at the rate of one second per second”

“I can time travel into the future at the rate of one second per second”

“If your food can go bad, it’s good for you. If your food can’t go bad, it’s not good for you”

“If your food can go bad, it’s good for you. If it can’t go bad, it’s bad for you”

“What does a vegetarian cannibal eat?”/“Vegetables.”

“If roosters can start the day by screaming then damn it, so can I”

“Wish I were king, so I could fix what’s wrong with democracy”

“How do you make a spring roll?”/“Push it.”

“What do you call a vegan cannibal?”/“Dead.”

“Once weapons were manufactured to fight war, but now war is manufactured to sell weapons”

“If roosters can start their day by screaming, then so can I”

“Marx failed to consider that workplace pizza parties can be kinda fun”

“How to eat Peeps: Throw them in the trash”

“Golf is just the adult version of an Easter egg hunt”

“Why did the baby chick cross the road?”/“Because it was Take-Your-Child-to-Work Day.”

“Why didn’t the chick cross the road?”/“Because it was a little chicken.”

“Golf: The adult version of an Easter egg hunt”

“Why did the baby chick cross the road?”/“To meet up with her Peeps.”

“My personal beliefs are somewhere between all violence is wrong and come try me”

“My political views are somewhere between all violence is wrong and f**k around and find out”

“The best way to eat Peeps is to throw them in the trash”

“Owning a gun isn’t small dick energy. SDE is relying on the government to keep you safe”

“You know what rhymes with Friday? Pie day”

“You know what rhymes with Friday? Vodka”

“You know what rhymes with Friday? Whiskey”

“Anyone who plays heavy metal at work is office rocker”

“Hello, April. Please, be a month of rebirth, regrowth and renewal”

“My colleague is playing heavy metal at work. He’s totally office rocker”

“This is your Monday morning reminder that you are powerful beyond measure…”

“This is your Monday morning reminder that you are amazing and you can handle anything”

“This is your Monday morning reminder that you can handle whatever life throws at you this week”

“There’s a man at work who plays heavy metal all day. He’s office rocker”