“I’ve got to stay home. I have a case of anal blindness…” (work joke)
A joke has an employee calling a boss and explaining that he/she is not feeling well and suffers from "anal blindness." What is anal blindness? "I can't see my ass/arse coming…
“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again”
"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again" is a joke that has been printed on many images. ""I've just been on a…
“I’ve just been on Trip Advisor. There’s no information about a twisted ankle and a skinned knee”
Trip Advisor is a website that offers online hotel reservations and transportation bookings. Trip Advisor does not advise about trips and falls, but there are jokes. "I've just been on…
“I’ve just lost my job as an ice cream tester. I couldn’t do sundaes”
"Sundae" sounds like "Sunday," and there are several jokes. "Just been sacked as an ice cream tester. I refused to do Sundaes" was posted on Twitter by 𝕸𝖆𝖙…
“I’ve just opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos”
To "open a can of worms" is to release chaos, like opening Pandora's box. If one opens a can of worms (for fishing), it is very difficult to close the can. "Commissioner Ed…
“I’ve just opened a shop selling telescopes. Business is looking up”
"'My business is looking up,' as the man with the 'Penny a peep' telescope told the policeman" was printed under "SAM WELLERISMS“ in Judy: The London…
“I’ve just started work as a human chess piece. The money’s good. I’m on knights this week”
People on a human chess board work as kings, queens, bishops, knights, rooks and pawns. A joke was posted on Twitter on September 8, 2014: "I've just started work as a human chess…
“I’ve learned so much from my mistakes, I’m thinking of making a few more”
"I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking of making a few more" is a one-line saying that has been printed on many images. "Great quote 'I’ve learned so…
“I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake”
"As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake" (or "Making everyone happy is impossible. Pissing them…
“I’ve officially reached the age where I consider running errands as going out”
"I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. The speaker is an adult who no longer goes out…
“I’ve set myself a five year plan to become more spontaneous”
Many people make plans to be more spontaneous, but do they make long term plans? "I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous" was posted on Twitter by Daveastated on August 27,…
“I’ll eat a bowl of water with a fork before I give a shit about your opinion of me”
"I will eat a bowl of water with a fork before I care what anyone thinks of me" (or "I will eat a bowl of water with a fork before I give a fuck about your opinion of me") is a…
“I’m always being forced to do things I’m not qualified for…like being nice to stupid people”
"The hardest part of my job is being nice to stupid people" and "I'm not qualified to be nice to stupid people" are jocular work sayings that have been printed on many…
“I’m an amateur crastinator, but I’m hoping to go pro eventually”
"I used to just crastinate. Then I decided to go pro" is a jocular procrastination saying that has been printed on many images. "I'm an amateur crastinator. Someday I'll…
“I’m anti-work but pro-paycheck so you see my dilemma”
Many people -- if not all -- like to get paid without doing any work. "I’m anti-work but pro-paycheck so you see my dilemma" was posted on Twitter by Tuesdays with Taca on January 17,…
“I’m aspirin’ to be a pharmacist”
"Aspiring" should not be confused with "aspirin," but there are jokes. "You see, I'm Aspirin' to become an agricultural tumour, sorry, a Farmer Cyst!" was…
“I’m at the place in my life where errands count as ‘going out’”
"I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. The speaker is an adult who no longer goes out…
“I’m at the place in my life where running errands counts as ‘going out’”
"I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. The speaker is an adult who no longer goes out…
“I’m done being a people pleaser, if everyone’s OK with that”
A "people-pleaser" joke was posted on Reddit -- Jokes on August 17, 2020: "I’m done being a people pleaser. If everyone’s ok with that." "I’m done being a people…
“I’m happy to announce that I’ve just about had it”
"I'm excited to announce that I've just about had it" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. The speaker is fed up with circumstances (such as at a job) and…