“I’ve just opened a shop selling telescopes. Business is looking up”
"'My business is looking up,' as the man with the 'Penny a peep' telescope told the policeman" was printed under "SAM WELLERISMS“ in Judy: The London…
“I’ve just started work as a human chess piece. The money’s good. I’m on knights this week”
People on a human chess board work as kings, queens, bishops, knights, rooks and pawns. A joke was posted on Twitter on September 8, 2014: "I've just started work as a human chess…
“I’ve learned so much from my mistakes, I’m thinking of making a few more”
"I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking of making a few more" is a one-line saying that has been printed on many images. "Great quote 'I’ve learned so…
“I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake”
"As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake" (or "Making everyone happy is impossible. Pissing them…
“I’ve officially reached the age where I consider running errands as going out”
"I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. The speaker is an adult who no longer goes out…
“I’ve set myself a five year plan to become more spontaneous”
Many people make plans to be more spontaneous, but do they make long term plans? "I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous" was posted on Twitter by Daveastated on August 27,…
“I’ll eat a bowl of water with a fork before I give a shit about your opinion of me”
"I will eat a bowl of water with a fork before I care what anyone thinks of me" (or "I will eat a bowl of water with a fork before I give a fuck about your opinion of me") is a…
“I’m always being forced to do things I’m not qualified for…like being nice to stupid people”
"The hardest part of my job is being nice to stupid people" and "I'm not qualified to be nice to stupid people" are jocular work sayings that have been printed on many…
“I’m an amateur crastinator, but I’m hoping to go pro eventually”
"I used to just crastinate. Then I decided to go pro" is a jocular procrastination saying that has been printed on many images. "I'm an amateur crastinator. Someday I'll…
“I’m anti-work but pro-paycheck so you see my dilemma”
Many people -- if not all -- like to get paid without doing any work. "I’m anti-work but pro-paycheck so you see my dilemma" was posted on Twitter by Tuesdays with Taca on January 17,…
“I’m aspirin’ to be a pharmacist”
"Aspiring" should not be confused with "aspirin," but there are jokes. "You see, I'm Aspirin' to become an agricultural tumour, sorry, a Farmer Cyst!" was…
“I’m at the place in my life where errands count as ‘going out’”
"I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. The speaker is an adult who no longer goes out…
“I’m at the place in my life where running errands counts as ‘going out’”
"I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. The speaker is an adult who no longer goes out…
“I’m done being a people pleaser, if everyone’s OK with that”
A "people-pleaser" joke was posted on Reddit -- Jokes on August 17, 2020: "I’m done being a people pleaser. If everyone’s ok with that." "I’m done being a people…
“I’m happy to announce that I’ve just about had it”
"I'm excited to announce that I've just about had it" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. The speaker is fed up with circumstances (such as at a job) and…
“I’m here experiencing life at a rate of several WTFs per hour”
"I am currently experiencing life at a rate of several WTFS per hour" (WTF = What The Fuck) is a saying that has been printed on many images. There are several minor variations. "is…
“I’m inventing a website for unemployed people called linkedout”
LinkedIn is an American business and employment-oriented social networking service website. THere is no LinkedOut for unemployed or retired people, but there are jokes. "In these rough…
“I’m late for work because I got drunk last night and set my calculator for $5.30”
"I’m late for work because I got drunk last night and set my calculator for $5.30" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "Im Late For My studio session Because…
“I’m mad fake at work I be saying shit like ‘alrighty’”
Many people act fake at work, pretending to be pleasant and agreeable with co-workers. "I'm so fake at work. I honestly don't give two fucks about how your days been going smh"…
“I’m not a competitive person. I’m always the first to admit it”
"I'm not a competitive person... I'll be the first to admit it" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "I'm not a competitive person.... I'll…